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IN CAP AND GOWN
BY THE SAME AUTHOR
A BOOK OF SCOUNDRELS
Crown S'vo. buckram, Js. 6d.
STUDIES IN FRANKNESS
Croivn &VO, buckram , js. 6d.
LONDON: WILLIAM HEINEMANN
FROM A PAINTING BY PHILIP REINAGLE,
IN THE UNIVERSITY LI B RARY, CA M B Rl DG E.
IN CAP AND GOWN
THREE CENTURIES OF
CAMBRIDGE WIT
EDITED WITH AN INTRODUCTION
BY
CHARLES WHIBLEY
SOMETIME SCHOLAR OF JESUS COLLEGE. CAMBRIDGE
THIRD EDITION
WITH A NEW PREFACE
LONDON
WILLIAM HEINEMANN
1898
1 3
PREFACE
IT is my pleasant duty to express my sincere acknowledg-
ments to all those who have kindly allowed me to reprint
their pieces in the present volume. My warmest thanks
are also due to the Rev. H. R. Luard, who permitted
me to consult documents preserved in the University
Registry ; to Mr. R. Bowes, of whose collection of books
and pamphlets printed in Cambridge I have made con-
siderable use ; and, above all, to Mr. J. W. Clark, who,
with that generosity which he extends to all who are
interested in the history and antiquities of Cambridge, not
only placed at my disposal his unrivalled collection of
leaflets and pamphlets relating to the University, but also
read the proofs of the whole volume, and made many
valuable suggestious. To Canon Wordsworth's works on
the University of Cambridge I am indebted for much
information.
C. W,
May, 1889.
CONTENTS
PAGE
INTRODUCTION ... ... ... ... ... ... xiii
PREFACE TO THE THIRD EDITION ... ... ... xxxi
ON THE UNIVERSITY CARRIER ... ... ... ... i
ON THE FALL OF THE MITRE TAVERN IN CAMBRIDGE 4
THE TOWNSMEN'S PETITION OF CAMBRIDGE ... ... 7
ON THE UNIVERSITY OF CAMBRIDGE'S BURNING THE DUKE
OF MONMOUTH'S PICTURE, 1685, WHO WAS FORMERLY
THEIR CHANCELLOR ... ... ... ... 12
EPIGRAM ... ... ... ... ... ... 15
"ANGUSTAM AMICE PAUPERISM PATI" ... ... 16
UPON DR. BENTLEY, MASTER OF TRINITY COLLEGE, CAM-
BRIDGE ... ... ... ... ... ... 18
THE CANTAB ... ... ... ... ... 20
SPARROWS SELF-DOMESTICATED IN TRINITY COLLEGE, CAM-
BRIDGE ... ... ... ... ... ... 21
NEWTON'S PRINCIPIA ... ... ... ... 23
ON THE MASTERS OF CLARE HALL AND CAIUS (OR KEYS)
COLLEGE ... ... ... ... ... ... 24
A DIALOGUE IN THE SENATE HOUSE AT CAMBRIDGE ... 25
ON TAKING A BACHELOR'S DEGREE ... ... ... 31
ON AN EAGLE CONFINED IN A COLLEGE COURT ... 34
THE PRETTY BAR-KEEPER OF THE MITRE ... ... 36
via
i'AGE
THE HAPPINESS OF A GOOD ASSURANCE ... ... 39
THE LOUNGER ... ... ... ... ... ... 42
EPIGRAM ON DR. OGDEN ... ... ... ... 44
SATIRE UPON THE HEADS ; OR, NEVER A BARREL THE
BETTER HERRING ... ... ... ... ... 46
SQUARING THE CIRCLE ... ... ... ... 48
THE BARBER ... ... ... ... ... ... 49
DR. JOWETT'S GARDEN ... ... ... ... 54
ANONYMOUS VERSES AGAINST DR. PARR ... ... ... 55
EPITAPH ... ... ... ... ... ... 56
To DR. KIPLING ... ... ... ... ... 57
THE GERMAN PROFESSORS ... ... ... ... 58
THE GERMANS IN GREEK ... ... ... ... 59
IMITATION OF HORACE ... ... .. ... 60
IMITATION OF HORACE ... ... ... ... ... 62
IMITATION OF HORACE ... ... ... ... 65
HYMN TO THE CREATOR ... ... ... ... 68
ON THE POPULAR PLAY OF PIZARRO ... ... 74
ON DR. DOUGLAS' MARRIAGE WITH Miss MAIN WARING ... 76
THE RIVAL BISHOPS ... ... ... ... 78
ON SPRAY '.. ... ... ... ... ... 79
HELL'S HOLIDAY ... ... ... ... ... 80
"LAUGH AND BE FAT" ... ... ... ... 82
THE CAMBRIDGE COMMENCEMENT ... ... ... 84
ONE HUNDRED GUINEAS REWARD ... ... ... 86
MAPS ... ... ... ... ... ... 87
"TO THE SCHQLLERS OF SAINCT JOHN HIS COLLEGE" ... 88
ODE ON A COLLEGE FEAST-DAY ... ... .. 89
A BACCHANALIAN SONG ... ... ... ... 92
ON E. D. CLARKE ... ... ... ... ... 94
EPIGRAM ... ... ... ... ... ... 98
THE SOCIETY OF MATHEMATICIANS ... ... ... 99
DEDICATION ... ... ... ... ... ... 102
CONTENTS. ix
PAGE
JOHNIAN MELODIES ... 104
THOUGHTS SUGGESTED BY A COLLEGE EXAMINATION ... 105
THE SIZAR'S TABLE ... ... ... 108
A LETTER FROM M V , OF TRINITY COLLEGE, TO A
FRIEND AT OXFORD ... ... no
HOCK VERSUS FALERNIAN ... 113
THE COLLEGIAN AND THE PORTER ... ... ... 114
CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY ... ... ... ... 118
THE COUNTRY CLERGYMAN'S TRIP TO CAMBRIDGE ... 120
TIMBUCTOO ... ... ... ... 1.24
THE PROCTOR . ... ... ... ... ... 127
AN ELEGY ... ... ... ... ... ... 130
MODERN SONGS. — No. 5 ... ... ... ... 132
THE FRIEND OF VERACITY VERSUS THE LIE-GRINDER ... 135
THOUGHTS SUGGESTED BY THE NEW CAIUS GOWN ... 139
THE SNOBIAD, OR TOWN AND GOWN Row IN CAMBRIDGE 142
VICE-CHANCELLOR v. MAYOR ... ... ... 147
NUGAE BARTLOVIANAE ... ... ... ... ... 149
THE RAPE OF THE WHISKER ... ... ... 154
EXTRAORDINARY ASTRONOMICAL DISCOVERS ... ... 158
PROSPECTUS OF THE SOCIETY FOR THE TRANSLATION OF
CAMBRIDGE MATHEMATICAL BOOKS INTO INTELLIGIBLE
ENGLISH ... ... ... ... ... ... 161
SATURDAY EVENING ... ... ... ... 165
A (VERY) FREE IMITATION OF THE FIRST ECLOGUE OF
VERGIL ... ... ... ... ... ... 169
CHARACTERS OF FRESHMEN ... ... ... ... 175
THE VISION OF ST. BRAHAMUS ... ... ... ... 189
THE TRINITY JANUS ... ... ... ... 193
A DELEC.TABLE BALLAD OF THE JUDGE AND THE, MASTER 195
ON "THE PLURALITY OF WORLDS" BY DR. WHEWELL 198
THE FIGHT OF THE CRESCENT ... ... ... ... 199
TRINITY COLLEGE COMMEMORATION ... ... ... 205
x CONTENTS.
PAGE
THE RIGHT DIVINE ... ... ... ... ... 207
WHOM DO YOU VOTE FOR? ... ... ... ... 209
THE RIVAL CANDIDATES ... ... ... ... 210
THE ELECTION OF THE CHANCELLOR ... ... 211
PRINCIPLE AND PRACTICE ... ... ... ... 213
UNIVERSITY OF CAMBRIDGE ... ... ... ... 214
SPORTING INTELLIGENCE — UNIVERSITY SWEEPSTAKES, CAM-
BRIDGE ... ... ... ... ... ... 216
A FRAGMENT TOUCHING THE LYCEUM ... ... 218
MR. JEAMES'S SENTIMENTS ON THE CAMBRIDGE ELECTION 221
THE CAMBRIDGE ADDRESS TO PRINCE ALBERT ... 225
THE NEW TRIPOSES ... ... ... ... ... 228
A BOATING SONG ... ... ... ... ... 230
ON HEARING THE BELLS RING FOR THE NEW PROVOST OF
KING'S, DR. OKES ... ... ... ... ... 232
THE Two VOICES ... ... ... ... ... 233
EPIGRAM ... ... ... ... ... ... 237
THE SUMMER ASSIZES OF 1850 ... ... ... 238
A PARADOX ... ... ... ... ... ... 239
THE USELESS DON ... ... ... ... ... 240
THE DEATH-WARRANT ... ... ... ... ... 241
VALEDICTORY ADDRESS TO THE DEAN ... ... 242
RIGID BODY SINGS ... ... ... ... ... 245
THE RAPE OF THE LOCK ... ... ... ... 246
THE DEATH OF THE CAPUT ... ... ... ... 249
THE UNIVERSITY BOAT-RACE ... ... ... 251
YE MOST PLEASAUNTE DREAME OF COELEBS, YE CAMBRYDGE
FELLOWE ... ... ... ... ... ... 253
A SATIRE ... ... ... ... ... ... 257
TRINITY BOAT-SONG ... ... ... ... ... 262
ADVERTISEMENTS ... ... ... ... ... 264
THE CAMBRIDGE DIONYSIA ... ... ... ... 267
THE LAUREATE'S BUST AT TRINITY .. 282
CONTENTS.
XI
PAGE
THE CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY BOAT OF 1860 ... ... 285
YE CRUELLE COXWAYNE ... ... ... ... 289
Hie VIR, HIC EST ... ... ... ... ... 291
THE TATLER IN CAMBRIDGE ... ... ... 295
THE TATLER IN CAMBRIDGE ... ... ... ... 300
THE TATLER IN CAMBRIDGE ... ... ... 305
OCTOPUS ... ... ... ... .. ... 310
THE HEATHEN PASS-EE ... ... ... ... 312
THE VULTURE AND THE HUSBANDMAN ... ... ... 316
THINGS NOT GENERALLY KNOWN ... ... ... 320
EPISODE ... ... ... ... ... ... 321
IN MEMORIAM "... ... ... ... ... 323
THE BATTLE OF THE PONS TRIUM TROJANORUM ... ... 326
A BALLAD OF BOTHERS ... ... ... ... 333
TEN TRIOLETS ... ... ... ... ... ... 335
A VERY DOLOROUS BALLADE OF CAMBRIDGE ... ... 339
A GIRTONI AN FUNERAL ... ... ... ... ... 341
THE POETS AT TEA... ... ... ... ... 344
INDEX ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 349
INTRODUCTION.
THERE is much to encourage the production of ephemeral
literature in Oxford and Cambridge. Each University is
the home of a large number of men of literary tendencies,
to whom everything that happens within the limits of their
Alma Mater is of the utmost importance. The thousand
incidents of college life, the eccentricities of dons, the
political struggles of the Senate House, all afford themes
of interest to the University light horseman, and much
prose and verse is the result.
As there is no lack of material, so there is no lack of
energy. Youth is the age of literary experiment, and a
large number of those whose names have in later years
become famous have won their spurs in the field of litera-
ture as undergraduates. It has, besides, been the practice
of many a learned don to devote his leisure to castigating
the follies of his contemporaries in satiric verse. Unfortu-
nately, however, either from a pride in his learning, or in
the belief that satire gains in point from being written in
a dead language, he has too often hidden away his thoughts
in Latin or Greek. But, happily, English has not always
been despised, and even bishops and professors have con-
descended to write in their own tongue, and sometimes with
admirable effect.
xiv INTRODUCTION.
The present volume consists of pieces relating to the
University of Cambridge, or written by members of that
University. They have been collected from various sources,
which need not here be specially recorded. Many are now
printed for the first time from manuscripts preserved in
the University Registry or in the hands of private indi-
viduals ; others are reprinted from rare pamphlets, which
have long since been forgotten ; some few are taken from
the " Cambridge Tart " and " Facetiae Cantabrigienses,"
publications of small merit, which had a certain vogue in
the early decades of the present century. The numerous
University periodicals — of which more presently — Punch,
and several other London journals, have been laid under
contribution ; while not a little that is interesting has been
selected from the biographies, as well as from the collected
works, of many Cambridge men.
The journalistic fever seems to have laid hold upon Cam-
bridge at a very early period. From the year 1750 until the
present time there is an uninterrupted series of University
magazines. With few exceptions they have been short-lived.
The energy which called them into existence has soon
evaporated. Perhaps a financial crisis has intervened; or
their conductors have taken their degrees and entered
upon more serious pursuits. Some have languished for
a term or two, while of others only a solitary number
has appeared. Many of them, it must be acknowledged,
are depressing reading. Priggishness and ineptitude gene-
rally predominate over hilarity and humour ; and only here
and there does some bright parody or happy satire relieve
the gloom.
That rare little volume, called The Snob, which fetches
fabulous prices wherever it is met with, is, for example,
more curious than entertaining. Yet, although its wit
is forced and feeble, one lingers over it with interest, for
INTRODUCTION. xv
it contains what is probably Thackeray's first attempt at
literary expression. This boyish production of the great
novelist is a parody of a prize poem, entitled "Timbuctoo,"
which subject, grotesque enough in itself, was actually given
out by the adjudicators of the Chancellor's English Medal,
in 1829. As every one knows, the prize was carried off by
Alfred Tennyson, whose serious effort has been lost in
oblivion, while Thackeray's good-natured burlesque is still
remembered. Twenty years after the appearance of The
Snob, Thackeray published in " Pendennis " a fragment of
another parody of a prize poem. This gibe of his later
years is far more spirited than "Timbuctoo," and keeps far
closer to the model of undergraduate heroic verse. The
novelist, it will be remembered, gives an account of a volume
of old Oxbridge tracts, prize poems, and declamations, and
having described Jack's " despair and Byronic misanthropy,"
and Tom's " defence of suicide and republicanism generally,"
goes on : " Here is Bob, of the Circuit, who has made a
fortune in Railroad Committees, bellowing out with Tancred
and Godfrey, ' On to the breach, ye soldiers of the cross,
Scale the red wall and swim the choking foss. Ye daunt-
less archers, twang your cross-bows well; On, bill and battle-
axe and mangonel ! Ply battering-ram and hurtling catapult,
Jerusalem is ours, — id Deus vult.' After which comes a
mellifluous description of the gardens of Sharon and the
maids of Salem, and a prophecy that roses shall deck the
entire country of Syria, and a speedy reign of peace be
established — all in undeniably decasyllabic lines, and the
queerest aping of sense and sentiment and poetry."
But to return to our University periodicals. Close on
the heels of The Snob came The Gownsman, in the conduct
of which also Thackeray had a share. It is not more
exhilarating than The Snob, and contains little but may be
forgotten without care and without regret. The journals of
b
xvi INTRODUCTION.
the next ten years may be passed over in silence. Indeed,
it is not until 1839, when The Cambridge University Magazine
was published, that we find a print that is worthy of con-
sideration, G. Brimley, C. B. Wilcox, and W. M. W. Call
were among the contributors to this magazine, and in it
were published the " Characters of Freshmen," which are
reprinted in the present volume.
" The Oxford and Cambridge Magazine. Conducted by
Members of the Two Universities" which was published in
1856, was in some respects a memorable venture. It did
not reflect the tone of the University so much as embody
the tenets of a particular literary school, and we are there-
fore not immediately concerned with it. We cannot, how-
ever, leave it without a word, for Mr. William Morris was
its editor, and among those who wrote in its pages were
Messrs. Burne- Jones and D. G. Rossetti. Of a very
different character was The Lion University Magazine,
which appeared two years later. It was edited by H. R.
Haweis, of Trinity College, and in spite of its modest
outside its tone was almost as pretentious as its title. In
fact, it was, as its editor frankly confesses, "a preposter-
ous serial ; " yet, in calling forth The Bear and the inimit-
able Cambridge Dionysia, both from the pen of G. O.
Trevelyan, it more than justified its existence.
During the last thirty years journalistic energy has
seldom flagged at Cambridge. Nearly every one has had
its serial. They have not all displayed wit of the highest
order, but there are two among them which merit almost
unqualified praise. The Tatler in Cambridge contained an
excellent collection of essays, while a more brilliant series
of jeux d' esprit has rarely appeared than those which we
can still enjoy in The Light Green. What Cambridge man
is ignorant of "The Heathen Pass-ee"? Who does not
know " The Vulture and the Husbandman " ?
INTRODUCTION. xvli
Many of the most amusing contributions to the University
magazines are either imitations of the classics or parodies
of modern writers. The authors of the earliest journals
framed themselves on Addison and Steele. The Student
(1750-1), The Reformer (1776), and The Galvanist (1804)
contain much that is but a far-off echo of The Spectator or
The Tatler. The poet most popular with parodists of this
period was Gray, whose " Elegy " and whose tf Bard " were
distorted and perverted to innumerable uses. A typical
parody of the latter will be found in Erskine's "Ode to the
College Barber," which, however, was published in a
London, not a Cambridge, journal. In more modern times,
Lord Macaulay shares the honour with Tennyson and
Swinburne of having provided the poets of Cambridge with
the greatest amount of material for their burlesques. Of
the " Lay of Horatius " parody after parody has appeared.
Tom Taylor's spirited "Fight of the Crescent" and Mr.
Bowling's "Battle of the Pons Trium Trojanorum" are
perhaps the best.
Of the learned dons who have beguiled their leisure by
writing satiric verse, the most distinguished are Person,
Mansel, and Shilleto. For many years before his death,
which took place in 1808, Person, who was Professor of
Greek at Cambridge, enjoyed a unique reputation as a
sayer and writer of good things. And, as was and is inevi-
table, countless repartees and epigrams were fathered upon
him of which he was entirely guiltless. At this distance
of time it is a difficult matter to determine which of the
Porsoniana are real, especially as the author of " The Sexa-
genarian," and Mr. Barker, of Thetford, who made it their
business to collect them, have been incredibly loose and
inexact in their ascription. A considerable number of
poems, however, have been generally acknowledged to be
his, and of these the majority are reprinted in the present
xviii . INTRODUCTION.
volume. A series of imitations of Horace by him were
published in The Morning Chronicle, to which, says the
author of " The Pursuits of Literature," Person " gave up
what he owed to the world."
At the end of the last century and the beginning of the
present, the pen of William Lort Mansel, afterwards Master
of Trinity and Bishop of Bristol, was the terror of Cambridge.
Though he was Public Orator of the University, the holder
of a rich living, and a Doctor of Divinity, he lampooned
everybody, high or low, and that in such scurrilous and
indecent fashion, that he was obliged, for the most part,
to clothe his effusions in the decent obscurity of a learned
language, and, like Sir Benjamin Backbite, "to circulate
them in manuscript among the friends of the parties." He
was well described by a contemporary as
" The Churchman's shame, the Scholar's scorn,
Lampoon and epigram in lawn."
Many of his verses have been handed down in manuscript,
and may still be recovered, but the most of them are
unfit for modern print.
Richard Shilleto, perhaps the greatest Greek scholar of
the century, belongs to a later age than Person or
Mansel. Yet in some ways he may be regarded as the
representative of a class of dons long since extinct. For
many years it was his habit to throw off short poems in
English, Latin, or Greek on whatever was happening
in Cambridge. A large number of these epigrams he
sent to the Registrary, accompanying many of them with
a characteristic letter. Fortunately they have been pre-
served in the Registry, where they remain to testify to the wit
and humour, as well as to the calligraphy, of their author.
Of his handwriting, in fact, Shilleto was particularly proud,
and in that respect, as well as in scholarship, he could justly
lay claim to rival Person. He possessed an unrivalled
INTRODUCTION. xix
mastery over Greek, and his most brilliant productions are,
no doubt, imitations of Aristophanes. At the same time,
many epigrams, and his epitaph "In Memoriam Roberti
Bendall, Tonsorum Ultimi," are sufficient evidence of the
felicity of his English style.
The staff of Punch has often been recruited from Cam-
bridge. The consequence is, that in the pages of that
periodical are to be found many pieces of peculiar interest
to Cambridge men. It was in Punch that Tom Taylor
published his " Fight of the Crescent," as well as that
admirable parody of Tennyson, " The Laureate's Bust ; "
while in the same journal are to be found Thackeray's
"Sentiments on the Cambridge Election" and his
"Address to Prince Albert,"
The prevailing characteristic of all these is their shoppi-
ness. With1 few exceptions, their interest is purely local.
But this by no means detracts from their value. Taken
together, they throw a flood of light on the history of the
University during the last two centuries. Scarcely a single
great movement has taken place without suggesting a jocular
ballad to an undergraduate or a junior don. The eccentri-
cities of few have escaped the satiric eye. If a contest
takes place between dean and students on the chapel ques-
tion, or between Whigs and Tories at an election, it is in a
copy of verses that the memory of the struggle is perpetuated.
Similarly, when the introduction of the natural and moral
sciences into the university curriculum, the celibacy of
fellows, or the education of women, have been endlessly
discussed in speeches or reviews, and finally voted upon
in the Senate House, a contemporary parody remains our
best record of the whole matter. Many a don, too, whose
name would otherwise be only associated with, a dry
mathematical treatise, lives again in the kindly jestings of
the satirist ; while, if we want information as to the manners
xx INTRODUCTION-.
and customs of past generations of Cambridge men, it is
in the University jeux d' esprit that we shall find it And
so, quite apart from literary merit, which is not often of the
highest order, the present collection may be said to form
a light-hearted history of the University.
What strikes us most forcibly, in these records of
University life, is the persistence of the various types of
Cambridge men. Such external circumstances as the hour
of dinner in hall, the costume of undergraduates, the
studies prescribed by the University authorities, — all these
have been altered from time to time. The very aspect of
the town itself has undergone a complete transformation.
Nor has the social system of Cambridge remained uniform.
Since the time of Gunning, who gives a graphic picture of
University life at the end of the last and the beginning of
the present century, everything has marvellously changed.
When communication between Cambridge and the out-
side world was by coach only, the University existed
almost entirely for itself and by itself. The society
of the heads of houses and elderly dons was rigorously
exclusive, all students but a few favoured fellow-
commoners being kept without its pale. In fact, William
Frere, who was appointed master of Downing in 1812,
was the first to break down the reserve of donnishness,
and to admit undergraduates within the charmed circle
of what may be termed "University society." Notwith-
standing this severe system of caste, there was a good deal
that was primitive in Cambridge life at the beginning of
the present century. For instance, there were no public
conveyances in the place, and there was only one umbrella,
which was kept in a shop in Benet Street, and let out by
the hour ! The town was neither paved nor lighted, and
the proposal to place lamps in the streets met with the
fiercest opposition. Both dons and townspeople were
INTRODUCTION. xxi
apprehensive lest, if lamps were erected in the streets, the
undergraduates should mark their progress through the
town with broken glass, and that the fights between
the "town" and "gown" would recur, as persons would
easily recognize their enemies by the light of the lamps, and
would not pass by without quarrelling. Again, the majority
of dons were untouched by foreign influences, and eccen-
tricities of conduct or manner were by no means un-
common. George Pryme, in his " Recollections," says
that Dr. Glynn, a fellow of King's, " usually wore a scarlet
cloak and three-cornered hat, and carried a gold headed
cane. He also used pattens in rainy weather." Another
effect of secluded life was that the dons were uninfluenced
by any healthy public opinion ; and though they were ever
ready to punish the undergraduate for the slightest breach
of discipline, there are few vices in which they themselves
did not indulge. If we may believe Gunning, they were
not only uncouth, sottish, and immoral, but, what was in
Gunning's eyes a far worse sin, they did not scruple, "as
examiners, for the sake of making money, to assign the
highest honours in the power of the University to bestow,
not on the most deserving^ but on those who had been
fortunate enough to avail themselves of their instruction
as Private Tutors."
It will be seen, from what we have said, that a far-
reaching revolution has taken place in Cambridge, and
yet the men of to-day differ but little from their predecessors
of a century, or even two centuries, ago. Life is now lived
amid very different surroundings ; but, after all, the types
of "men," the characteristics of the various colleges, the
very slang of the place, are much the same as they always
have been. The same stories against the dons, which amused
our great-grandfathers in their first term, are told to the
freshmen of to-day as entirely modern. There is one apposite
xxii INTRODUCTION.
illustration of the recurrence of University myths which may
be quoted here. For some years a story has been told of a
certain don, to the effect that, coming home from dinner
one night, he fell into the " run " in Trumpington Street. A
passer-by hastened to help him on to his feet again, where-
upon he declined the proffered aid on the ground that he
could swim. A precisely similar occurrence is said to have
taken place in 1794 (Gunning's " Reminiscences," i. 320).
In those days it need scarcely be said the " run " was not in
existence. But along the front of Pembroke College,
between that building and the site now occupied by the Pitt
Press, ran a watercourse, which divided the street into two
very unequal parts. The sides of the channel were boarded,
and it was crossed by two very narrow bridges. " It was
reported of a senior wrangler" — so Gunning tells the tale —
" who became afterwards one of our most distinguished
Chancery lawyers, that, in crossing the bridge to sup with
a friend on the evening of taking his degree, he fell into
the stream, and would not suffer the passers-by to pull him
out, as 'he could swim.' He always pleaded guilty to the
charge of falling in, but stoutly denied he had ever thought
it necessary to swim in order to extricate himself."
The perpetuity of anecdotes is remarkable enough;
yet no less remarkable is the uniformity of the types of
undergraduates. The " rowing " man — who, by the way,
has nothing to do with the river — is still in existence,
though he has changed his name to "rowdy." Another
type, the " lounger," is thus sketched in The Student (pub-
lished 1750): "In every college there is a set of idle
persons called Loungers, whose whole business it is to
fly from the painful task of thinking. These are ready
to catch at every young fellow at his first admission, and
imperceptibly teach him to saunter away his time in the
same idle, spiritless manner with themselves. Whomsoever
INTRODUCTION. xxiii
these Remoras of a college adhere to, they instantly benumb
to all sense of reputation or desire of learning." In The
Spectator (No. 54), the " loungers " are said to be "a sect
of philosophers," and the following are quoted as some of
their maxims : " The fundamental maxim, upon which their
whole system is built, is this, viz. That Time being an
implacable enemy to and destroyer of all things, ought to
be paid in his own coin, and be destroyed and murdered
without mercy, by all the ways that can be invented.
Another favourite saying of theirs is, That business was
designed only for knaves, and study for blockheads. A
third seems to be a ludicrous one, but has a great effect
upon their lives ; and is this, That the devil is at home."
The class of " loungers " thus described is just as familiar to
us, though under another name, as it was to The Spectator
and to Christopher Smart. The modern fritterer differs in
some respects from his prototype. He strums the piano, while
his predecessor " blew a tune on his flute." His predecessor
amused himself by reading " plays," or the novels of Aphra
Behn, while he contents himself with inferior translations
from the French. The old-fashioned lounger "toped all
the night, as he trifled all day ; " the modern lounger is
"aesthetic," and discusses sonatas over cups of tea. With
these differences, the lounger is still among us and distinctly
recognizable. There is yet another type to be described,
and that is the ultra-Evangelical. For many years, in the
days of " T and B "— " Tea and Bible," the name given to
the Evangelical meetings by the opponents of the movement
— he was known as a Simeonite, or " Sim;" now he is called
a " Pi-man." He has changed his name ; but his character
endures for ever.
A similar incorruptibility is a quality in University slang.
The "Gradus ad Cantabrigiam " might still be found of
considerable service to the undergraduate, although it was
xxir INTR OD UCTION.
published as long ago as 1803. A writer in The Gentleman's
Magazine for 1794 complains of the prevalence of slang
in Cambridge. Then, as now, the undergraduate " sported
his oak," "kept his terms," or "cut his lecture."
Other points of similarity are to be noted. As far back
as our records extend, proctors and dons are considered the
natural enemies of undergraduates. Thomas Randolph's
"Fall of the Mitre Tavern," which was written in 1633,
the year before the author died, concludes with a reference
to " bugbear Proctors," and who shall say that their tradi-
tion has suffered change ? Another feud, that between
" town " and " gown," seems to be almost as old as Cam-
bridge itself, and it has given rise to many a well-fought
fight and many a stirring ballad. Of late years, how-
ever, the common sense of both parties has almost extin-
guished it.
The result of this conservatism of type and slang is that
in some respects our Cambridge poems seldom seem quite
out of date. In nearly every case they present some picture
or refer to some circumstance with which we of the nine-
teenth century are more or less in touch.
The various colleges in Cambridge, no less than the
undergraduates of which they are composed, have always
had distinct characteristics of their own. Some have
retained them generation after generation, while others
have at different times assumed different characters. A
fine sense of dignity has always pervaded the "tufts"
of Trinity. At every period of their history they have
been conscious, and no doubt justly so, of their, supremacy
in the University world. Nor is evidence of this proud
consciousness lacking.
" Yet weep not, Cains men, in your lowly den ;
Well may ye envy Trinity her men,"
writes the author of the "New Caius Gown" in 1835. In
INTRODUCTION. xxv
the "Extraordinary Mathematical Discovery" (1838) a still
more arrogant tone is adopted. The author of that leaflet
speaks of the " many small planetary bodies which revolve
at various distances round the glorious and brilliant sun of
Trinity College, and which are commonly known by the
name of minor establishments or smaller colleges." In
recent years the small colleges have done much to assert
themselves, and Trinity can scarcely lay claim to-day to
the unique position which it once occupied.
For some reason or other St. John's has never been
popular in the University world. The members of other
colleges have set forth their opinion of it in no measured
terms. Such expressions as "Johnian Sty," and " Johnian
Hogs," are the commor places of University poets. This
is the more strange, because one of the most familiar refer-
ences to the "Johnian" in English literature is in the
kindly verse of Praed :
" Sit in the Vicar's seat : you'll hear
The doctrine of a gentle Johnian,
Whose hand is white, whose tone is clear,
Whose phrase is very Ciceronian."
This passage, however, can scarcely be taken as an
apotheosis of the Johnians generally. It is probable that
Praed had in his mind one member of St. John's, whose
manners were gentle and speech refined, or was a slave to
the exigencies of his rhyme. On the other hand, we could
bring forward quotation after quotation to prove that the
Johnians have been known as the grex porcorum, "the herd
of swine," from time immemorial. Their college is con-
stantly termed "the sty," the bands of velvet which dis-
tinguish their gownare known as " crackling," while a piece
of ground between Trinity and St. John's has been called the
" Isthmus of Sues." The origin of these taunts is wrapt in
xxvi INTRODUCTION.
mystery, and though several explanations have been offered
none can be regarded as entirely satisfactory. "The
Johnian Hogs," says a writer in the Gentleman 's Magazine
for 1796, "were remarkable on account of the squalid
figures and low habits of the students, and especially the
sizars, of St. John's College." Another authority in the same
magazine indignantly rejects this suggestion. " Your Cantab
oracle," he says, " is toto coelo mistaken as to the appellation
of * Johnian Hogs ; ' his interpretation is, on the face of
it, improbable. It arose from the squalid figures of the
students, says he ! Lo ! on the contrary, it is proverbial
to be as fat as a hog. Forty years ago I was a scholar
of St. John's. A clergyman, who had thirty years before
that time been a fellow of that college, told me the real
story, which is ridiculous. A gateway opens into a bye-
road between that college and Trinity Chapel, that leads
to St. John's walks ; and in the corner of the first court,
facing the entrance to the chapel, is a passage leading out
to that bye-road. A young wag of that college saw a
countryman driving a sow and young pigs to market ; the
youth suddenly seized a little pig, whipt it under his gown,
ran down the bye-road, turned into the passage, and went
up to his chamber, where his chum was then at study.
The countryman pursued, and saw the youth enter the
passage, but, having lost him there, went through it into
the outer court of the college. The wag saw him gaping
and gazing in great amazement ; then opening his window,
held up the pig, and, pinching one ear, made it squeak.
Clodpate immediately made an outcry ; the servants of the
college assembled about him, and undertook to show him
the room ; but the youth muffled up the pig, ran up to the
top of the stairs, and, getting out upon the leads between
the roof and parapet wall, proceeded along quite round
to the bell-turret, and there observed the countryman's
INTRODUCTION. xxvii
motions. Clodpate in the interim entered the chamber,
but there found only the chum at his books. 'Where,'
says he, 'is the other young man with my pig?' 'What
pig?' says the student. 'There is no other person here
but myself.' The chamber was strictly searched, but quite
in vain. Clodpate in despair returned down into the court.
The wag, seeing this, went back to his chamber, exhibiting
the pig once more at the window, and then eloped as before ;
while hue-and-cry was again made, but still in vain. At
length the wag, espying Clodpate proceeding to the
master's lodge, descended the bell-turret, went out at the
gate, dropped down the pig unperceived, and retired quite
unconcerned into the Johnian coffee-house in the opposite
churchyard. Presently the pig was heard squeaking about
the street. But the college was ever afterwards denominated
the Circaean stye" (Gentleman's Magazine, vol. Ixv. p. 107).
This is somewhat far-fetched, and perhaps, after all, the
Johnians were only called " Hogs " because they were fond
of good living. We know that in Praed's times there were
" gourmands " at St. John's.
" And yet you think I'm growing thinner j
You'd stare to see me eat my dinner !
You know that I was held by all
The greatest epicure in Hall,
And that the voice of Granta's sons
Styled me the gourmand of St. John's. "
And the Johnians of to-day do not disguise the pride which
they take in the excellence of their " Hall."
Caius has always been known as a place of good eat-
ing. Innumerable passages might be quoted in support
of this assertion, but we will content ourselves with one or
two. Christopher Smart, writing in 1750, speaks of
"The sons of culinary Kays
Smoking from the eternal treat ; "
xxviii INTRODUCTION.
while in 1838 the author of the "New Caius Gown"
asks :
"Know ye the college where men never shine
In aught but in quaffing the juice of the vine ? "
Magdalene has undergone a strange revolution. At the
end of the eighteenth century it was full of Simeonites,
and was given over to prayer-meetings and other evan-
gelical pursuits. Its members, however, have by this time
succeeded in living down that reputation. And so it is
with the other colleges ; but the examples we have quoted
are enough to illustrate the fact that each institution has
a corporate life and character of its own.
This brings us to another point of no little interest and
some obscurity. It is a well-known fact that savage men
believe that there is a close kinship between themselves
and the lower animals. Many tribes, in fact, "regard
themselves as being descended from kangaroos, cockatoos,
emus, pelicans, and other animals." A similar belief seems
to have existed at Cambridge in what we may term its
savage period. At any rate, there are distinct traces of a
survival of it to-day. Trinity men were once known as
"bull-dogs," Johnians as "hogs," while the members of
Clare, St. Catharine's, and Sidney were called " greyhounds,"
" doves," and " owls," respectively. It must be admitted
that Cambridge is gradually outgrowing the condition of
totemism. With one exception these tribal names have
disappeared. The members of St. John's College are still
called "hogs," but commonplace appellations have now
replaced "bull-dogs," "greyhounds," and the rest It is
as difficult to discover the origin of these names as it
is to explain totemism itself. A philological explanation,
which would no doubt commend itself to the supporters
of the theory that "mythology is a disease of language,"
INTRODUCTION. xxix
but which we reject as trivial, has been suggested for the
"doves" of St. Catharine's. It is said that the members
of St. Catharine's Hall were first of all called " Puritans,"
from the derivation of the name of their patroness from
KaOatpeiv. The dove being the emblem of purity, to change
a name from "Puritans" to "doves" was but one short
step.
We have arranged our reprints in order of dates. Any
one who reads them consecutively will find the history of
the University referred to with tolerable completeness.
PREFACE TO THIRD EDITION
IN the decade of years that has passed since these informal
documents were gathered together, the history of Cam-
bridge has been more eventful than auspicious. Aroused
still farther back from an immemorial slumber by a Royal
Commission, the University had already contemplated with
equanimity the marriage of her fellows, and the destruction
of that monastic ideal which gave the worst of her vices
the semblance of an amiable virtue. Thenceforth she was
inclined for the discussion of every desperate reform ;
she harboured those within her precincts who, holding no
tradition sacred, were ready to sacrifice Greek or to convert
the colleges into so many playgrounds for the people, who
would put the gown on women's shoulders, and let the
graduates of Newnham and Girton control the Senate
House. Happily, resistance is strong enough to oppose
surrender ; but the danger is evident, when in an age of
c
xxxii PREFACE TO THE THIRD EDITION.
universal questioning a revolution is openly discussed, of
which it was once treasonable to whisper in secret.
The ancient comedy, in truth, morose at times, has
threatened to turn to tragedy, and the change of temper is
instantly noted in the records. For parochial humour,
which carries us farther than its own boundaries, has the
merit of historical truth. Narrow and obscure to the world
of larger interests, it is easily intelligible to the initiate ; and
it cannot lie, since it is established upon facts which are
as familiar as the creaking of the parish-pump. But until
lately the versifiers of Cambridge took count only of
trivialities, since happily there were no graver issues to
engross them. The tint of a gown, the shape of a cap, the
cut of a whisker, or perchance the conflict of a forgotten
election — these were enough to hold their fancy captive.
Or a scholar of Trinity might appear after the vacation in
all the insolence of a budding moustache. His tutor bade
him sacrifice his pride, or go down. And he, declining to
lose his cherished ornament, celebrated his discomfiture in
an admirable copy of elegiacs, and departed. Or the bad
wine of the Combination-room shocked the palate of a
junior fellow, whereon he protested in a set of verses and
with immediate effect. But to-day sterner themes perplex
the mind ; the politics, not the fiWity, of Cambridge
relieve the tedium of the lecture-room or the passion of
PREFACE TO THE THIRD EDITION.
research. "How shall we improve the University?"
asks one fervent don, heedless of his dinner. " How shall
we arrive by the shortest cut at the spirit of the age?"
demands another, forgetting the dangerous effect of this
intoxicant. And thus, with no better object than to confer
upon somebody else an imagined benefit or to further the
cause of abstract justice, reform is proposed and destruction
meditated.
In the old method there was less of risk and more of
dignity. The explanation of a trivial grievance is always
innocuous, and the frivolity of a serious scholar is inspired
by a taste and fancy peculiar to seclusion. But there
is no need to despair, since the most ardent prophet of
reform is but a passing danger; since change itself is
powerless against the tradition of seven hundred years and
the stern sobriety of cloistered courts. Nevertheless the
>imist is justified of his protest ; for, if no voice were
lised against the intruder, the citadel might be taken by
dth. Yet, in spite of the railroad, which has put an end
the magnificent isolation of ancient times, in spite of
mnumbered commissions, which have presumed to try
lediaeval Cambridge by the useful standard of modern
>ndon, the University defies revolution. The costume
iposed of necessity upon her sons is enough to retard the
jckless march of progress, and a Senate clothed in gowns
xxxiv PREFACE TO THE THIRD EDITION.
and mortar-boards will never be completely misled by the
voice of argument. But constant as she is, in nothing does
Cambridge display the fixity of her character so openly as in
the habit of reproach. From the beginning of time her
scholars have usurped the privilege of intimacy, and covered
with scurrilous abuse the University to which they confessed
their debt, and from whose precincts they seldom strayed.
This outspokenness is, in truth, the best proof of respect : it
is possible openly to rate a friend and keep his friendship ;
but the lightest word thrown at an enemy does but widen the
breach. So centuries of plain speech have not weakened
the bond which unites to Cambridge her censorious
admirers. " In my time," complains the jaded oldster,
"the undergraduate was taller, nobler, more learned than
to-day. A scholar of greater distinction, he was also better
skilled on the river and cricket-field; in brief, where his
successors are but schoolboys, he behaved himself like a
hero." Had the decadence been perpetual as its profession,
the human race would by this time have degenerated to
pigmies; but we look at the past through coloured
spectacles, and find enchantment in a blurred memory.
As early as the Sixth Edward the history of reproach
begins, and the Reverend Thomas Lever bewailed at Paul's
Cross the wisdom and generosity of the late king, who
is now no better esteemed than a constitutional Blue-
PREFACE TO THE THIRD EDITION. xxxv
beard. But, whatever were his other failings, Henry VIII.
encouraged learning with royal liberality, giving "two
hundred pounds yearly to the exhibition and finding of
five learned men to read and teach divinity, law, physick,
Greek and Hebrew." Yet, alas ! despite the king's muni-
ficence, the University declined. By 1550 the two hundred
students of Divinity, who made Cambridge illustrious, were
" all clean gone, house and man, young toward scholars,
and old fatherly Doctors, not one of them left." And with
them were vanished another hundred, rich, beneficed and
elegant students, who lived in hostelries at their own
charges, and doubtless followed the sports of the time with
a greater zeal than they attended the lectures of Cheke
or Erasmus. The handful that were left starved their
bellies and brains alike, and of them Lever paints a
sorry picture. How many undergraduates would be
content nowadays to follow their iron rule ? " There be
divers," says Lever, "'which rise daily betwixt four and
five of the clock in the morning, and from five until
six of the clock use common prayer with an exhortation
of God's word in a common chapel, and from six unto
ten of the clock use ever either private study or common
lectures. At ten of the clock they go to dinner, whereas
they be content with a penny piece of beef amongst four,
having a few porridge made of the broth of the same beef,
xxxvi PREFACE TO THE THIRD EDITION.
with salt, oatmeal and nothing else." Thus they dined
at ten, these poor hungry scholars, and thereafter studied or
taught till five, when they supped no better than they dined,
and so, having reasoned problems until nine, they would
walk or run " to get a heat upon their feet when they
go to bed." A sorry life, and ill becoming the dignity of
scholarship. But, doubtless, even in the happy reign of
Henry VIIL, the voice of criticism was shrewd and bitter
as Lever's own, since the inclination of the censor never
lacked its opportunity.
Under Elizabeth, Cambridge, even more gloriously than
England, enjoyed her golden age. Then there was a poet
on every staircase to herald the birth of literature, and the
drama was cradled on the banks of the Cam. From Benet
Hall came Marlowe to give a bias to Shakespeare's genius.
Chapman and Shirley sojourned at either University, while
Fletcher, too, went up to Benet Hall, where Marlowe must
still have been a brilliant memory. To Greene's " Menaphon "
Nash prefixed a brilliant panegyric of St. John's College,
that illustrious foundation, which has since become the
whetstone of University wit. But in Nash's day there was
no thought of " hogs " or " pigsties," and this faithful
Johnian finds courage to patronise the august College of
Trinity, which, says he, with an effrontery which might make
the boldest Johnian tremble, " the University Orator aptly
PREFACE TO THE THIRD EDITION. xxxvii
termed Colonia Didacta, from the suburbs of Saint John's. "
Thus are discounted the thousand insults of a later day, and
truly it needed not the advent of Bentley to emphasise
the triumph of St. John's, "that most fortunate Nurse of
all learning, shining so far above all other Houses,
Halls, and Hospitals whatsoever, that no College in the
town was able to compare with the title of her students."
Yet, for all the miraculous distinction of their fellows, for
all the panegyric of Nash, the scholars of Cambridge were
not content ; and The Return from Parnassus, which was
acted, while still Elizabeth sat upon the throne, is nothing
less than a violent attack upon the University. Ignorance,
venality and neglect — these are the charges brought against
a seat of learning then at the pinnacle of its fame. The
unknown author even assails the University's literary
pretensions, though within twenty years a dozen poets had
journeyed to London from the cloistered courts of Cambridge.
Yet these, complains the satirist, " smell too much of that
writer Ovid, and that writer Metamorphosis" and you forgive
the condemnation when you read in the next line, " Why
here's our fellow Shakespeare puts them all down." To be
sure he does, but not even Shakespeare's genius need
involve the Alma Mater of Fletcher and Spenser, of Marlowe
and Shirley in a general reproach. However, then as now,
the poor scholars of Cambridge forgot that learning was an
xxxviii PREFACE TO THE THIRD EDITION.
end in itself, and were indignant that a degree was not the
instant warranty of bread and cheese. " Banned be those
hours," sings Philomusus,
" Banned be those hours when 'mongst the learned throng
By Granta's muddy bank we whilom sung."
And, in another style, the complaint might have been uttered
yesterday.
Throughout the eighteenth century it was pedantry which
filled the scholar's mind with indignation. In all sincerity
does Smart deplore the fate of the eagle, that "imperial
bird," confined within the court of Trinity College. In all
sincerity does Gray write of Cambridge : "the wild beasts
of the deserts shall dwell there, and their houses shall be
full of doleful creatures, and owls shall build there, and
satyrs shall dance there." But this passing displeasure did
not drive him from the place, and he spent his life under
the shadow of the University, walking head in air along
Trumpington Street, and recording with a careful devotion the
growth of the flowers in the Pembroke Fellows' Garden. So,
too, Byron ridiculed his University, and yet loved it with a
constant affection. Though he brought a bear to Trinity, that
it should " sit for a fellowship," though he confessed that he
quitted Cambridge without regret, he cherished an un-
alterable friendship for his " set," and he visited his ancient
haunts with a boyish pleasure. You find him supping with
PREFACE TO THE THIRD EDITION. xxxix
zest in the company of " jockeys, gamblers, boxers, authors,
parsons and poets — a precious mixture, but they go well
together," and despite the fever of his life, despite the
scandals of London, and the Quixotism of Greece, he still
kept at heart something of the undergraduate.
Thus the chorus of dispraise is swelled, until it almost
stills the calm, more constant voice of admiration. And
strange it is that each generation has believed itself more
wisely justified in reproof than its predecessor. Mean-
while Cambridge has remained placidly imperturbable.
The charge of pedantry was never worth an answer, since
pedantry, the amiable defect of scholarship, is inevitable to
a seat of learning. When Byron declared that " the in-
tellects of her children were as stagnant as her Cam," he
meant no more than that tutors and professors lacked the
vigour of his own boyish temperament. Yet none recognised
more vividly than Byron the worth of Academic ties and
College friendships; none more eagerly delighted in the
memorable meetings which a sojourn at Cambridge ensures.
You pass a contemporary at the other end of the
world ; it is a chance encounter, but you are both back by
the bank of that same sluggish Cam, which has provided
the satirists with as much fun as Madrid's own river.
And while even reproof is a cloak to affection, Cambridge
has shown herself worthy of the universal regard; for,
xl PREFACE TO THE THIRD EDITION.
despite the clamour of reform, she has not yet lost her
mediaeval character. None the less it is impossible to forget
that the last twenty years have seen more change than the
four centuries which preceded them. Perhaps it is only the
ineradicable habit of reproach that persuades the devout to
foresee impending ruin ; doubtless another generation will
declare the fears of our own foolish and unjustified. But, in
the face of reckless improvement, the habit of censure may
well appear a duty; and though the proper perspective
is difficult of attainment, the Cambridge of to-day is not the
Cambridge of one's undergraduate memory.
For hundreds of years, in truth, it has been a reproach to
the University that she confers no practical benefit upon her
sons. The reproach, moreover, was honourably justified,
since there was a spirit abroad of dogged conservatism
which esteemed tradition far more highly than a passing
advantage. The merest attempt to pass useful measures
was sternly opposed, and the interference of the world out-
side was most properly resented. When Dr. Corrie, late
Master of Jesus College, was asked his opinion of reform :
" In the first place," he replied with excellent dignity, " I
trust the commissioners will excuse me for stating it to be
my opinion that the present chief want of the University is
exemption from the disturbing power of Royal or Parlia-
mentary Commissions." But the commission was appointed,
PREFACE TO THE THIRD EDITION. xli
and the University to-day is only too practical. She can
teach you medicine, if you will, or the homelier art of
carpentry. Every year fresh demands are made in the name
of chemistry or anatomy, where once Newton's "Principia"
and the dead languages were all-sufficient. Nor does Science
accept this complacency with gratitude ; she replies with a
demand for the extinction of Greek. And worse still, the
education once deemed the privilege of the few is extended
to the half-intelligent voter of the provinces. In this reason-
able atmosphere one cannot expect to find such a head of a
house as was honourably described as " not a folio bound
in vellum, but, consistent with local requirements, somewhat
alive to the delights of rat-catching." And though perhaps
at a proper distance, where the unessential differences are no
longer visible, the don of to-day may present a perfect re-
semblance to the don of yesterday, one is glad to remember
Cambridge untouched by commissions, when marriage was
prohibited, and when fellows were still found grunting a
bitter disapproval to the whole race of undergraduates.
The old don, as one recalls him, lived in a narrow world
of his own. Sometimes he was learned, oftener he was not.
But his life and experience had forced upon him a character
which could not be matched elsewhere in the world. He
had a wholesome loyalty to his college, and, if he interpreted
his loyalty without much wisdom, it was none the less
xlii PREFACE TO THE THIRD EDITION.
sincere and dignified. He would browbeat the under-
graduate in the traditional tone of intolerance, and withal
he would send him a bottle of excellent sherry, that he
might pay proper respect to the pious memory of benefactors.
He was indifferent to attendance at lectures, yet he sternly
insisted upon tranquillity within the college walls. A sports-
man, a pedant, a martinet, he knew so little of the outside
world, which he visited but seldom, that he was wont to
exaggerate his own importance. But the foible was amiable
and humorous, and it was so far justified that he belonged
to a class which could only exist in a proper atmosphere
and under exotic conditions. To admire him, you should
have encountered him in his own rooms, or at dinner in
hall, and you would have been rewarded by such a wealth
of scandal, anecdote, and reminiscence as live only by oral
tradition and die with the silence of the tongue.
The don of the future, as he appears to prejudiced and
imperfect vision, will preserve neither the qualities nor the
defects of his predecessor. No better learned, he will prove
far more zealous in the cause of examinations, and will
display his loyalty to the college in forcing as many
pupils as possible into the class-lists. With him prosperity
will seem a good balance-sheet, and if " the Backs " are in
the way of a new hostel, " the Backs " must be sacrificed.
So familiarly will he live with the outside world that, but
PREFACE TO THE THIRD EDITION. xliii
for a few mannerisms, you will never detect his profession.
But the wayward, brusque, unreasonable pedantry of the
ancient don will as easily elude his reach as the weighty
learning of Burton or Casaubon. So eagerly will he regard
the welfare of his pupils, so anxious will he profess himself
for their success in the Senate House, that he will sacrifice
to lectures the hours that were meant for research, and
it is scarcely in a busy University that you will look for
learning. Too often will he be persuaded to consecrate
his scanty leisure to politics ; and if haply he be an advocate
of reform, he cannot excuse himself on the plea that he is
defending his University against inapposite attacks. In
brief, he may degenerate into a practical, clever, accomplished
man of the world ; but, for the sake of picturesqueness, one
would prefer that a corner should be kept for such scholars
as Burton, who devoted a learned life to the composition
of the "Anatomy," and found solace from his study in a war
of words with the boatmen on Magdalen Bridge. Yet if the
march of progress be not stayed, Person or Shilleto would be
as completely out of place in the Cambridge of to-morrow as
a tutor who should dine in pink; and the ancient type may
exist no more save in biography and in the memory of the
devout.
When Bentley was Master of Trinity he led a campaign
against the ancient architecture. Had he been furnished with
xliv PREFACE TO THE THIRD EDITION.
money enough to support his opinion he would have removed
from Trinity every trace of the Gothic style. The infamy
of his project is proved by the hapless corner upon which
he laid an impious hand ; and a Great Court of grey stucco
might have been part of his contribution to the history of
Cambridge. And they who would wantonly chop and
change the existing laws and manners of the University
are guilty of precisely the same sin which Dr. Bentley
attempted to commit. The zealots who would throw
Cambridge open to the populace on the one hand, and to
the ladies of Girton and Newnham on the other, cannot
gauge the effect of their iconoclasm. They are as ignorant
of the future as was Dr. Bentley of architecture. He
believed that, if the whole of Cambridge were cut and
clipped to the Italian taste of Emmanuel, the world
would be refined by another model of perfection. We
know to-day that he was wickedly inspired, and we
thank the lack of means which rendered him harmless.
The modern party of reform is as reckless and harmful
as Dr. Bentley. It would lay an idle, unsparing hand upon
an institution which, with the imperfections of age thick
upon it, deserves as much reverence as an ancient building.
If once it be changed, no zeal on earth can restore its
former character. Experiment is as hopeless as destruction,
and nothing can preserve the world from an iron uniformity
PREFACE TO THE THIDR EDITION. xlv
except a loyal respect for the abuses as well as for the virtues
which characterise our ancient Universities.
And perhaps those who sojourn in Cambridge for a while,
and return but as birds of passage, see most clearly the
disgrace of modern reform. The resident don may grow
familiar even unto contempt ; he may believe himself so in-
timately a part of the institution which he helps to control that
he sees no harm in altering here and docking there. But he,
too, passes from the place which he holds in trust for genera-
tions yet to come, and he is not held guiltless if from care-
lessness or from love of reform he besmirches the face of
traditional solemnity. The Cambridge that centuries have
known has triumphed alike over universal censure and the
ineffective ambition of reformers. Its memory still holds
together hundreds who know no common sentiment but a
common gratitude; and there is not a better ambition than
to preserve the University near to the semblance which it
wore when the first stone of Peterhouse was laid. For
it is in the larger world outside, not in the cloister of an
imperious tradition, that we can best exercise the vague
aspirations of politics.
#% Sir George Young has been kind enough to point out
that the copy of verses on p. no, entitled "A Letter from
M — V — to a friend at Oxford," are indubitably from the
hand of Praed. Apart from the internal evidence, the initials
are conclusive, for M — V— obviously stand for " Marmaduke
Villars," the third with " Peregrine Courtenay " and " Vyvyan
Joyeuse" of Praed's contemporary signatures.
IN CAP AND GOWN,
ON THE UNIVERSITY CARRIER,
WHO SICKENED IN THE TlMR OF HIS VACANCY, BEING FORBID
TO GO TO LONDON, BY REASON OF THE PLAGUE.
Thomas Hobson, the carrier, to "whom Milton's two poems refer, was
born in 1544, and died in 1630. An account of him is given in the
" Spectator'1'' (No. 509), where he is said to have been" the first in this
island to let out hackney-horses" For many years he carried on this
trade, and was so persistent in declining to allow a horse to go out out of
its turn, that he gave rise to the proverb " Hobsods choice" His house
stood at the north end of the grove of St. Catherine's College, and the yard
and stables extended for some distance to the west over the site of the
present chapel. Of the several extant portraits of him, one by John
Payne represents him holding a money-bag, and has this inscription :
" Laugh not to see so plaine a man in print ;
The Shadow's homely, yet ther's something in't.
Witnes the Bagg he wears, (though seeming poore)
The fertile Mother of a thousand more ;
He was a thriving man, through lawfull Gain,
And wealthy grew by warrantable paine.
Then laugh at them that spend, not them that gather,
Like thriveing Sonnes of such a thrifty Father."
Milton, who was admitted to Christ's College in 1625, spent a good
many years at Cambridge. One curious tradition with regard to his
University career is preserved in Johnson's " Life of Milton." " There
is reason to believe,''' writes Johnson, "that Milton was regarded in his
college with no great fondness. That he obtained no fellowship is certain ;
B
2 IN CAP AND GOWN.
but the unkindness with -which he was treated was not only negative.
I am ashamed to relate what I fear is true, that Milton was one of the
last students in either University who suffered the public indignity of
corporal punishment. "
HERE lies old Hobson. Death hath broke his girt,
And here, alas ! hath laid him in the dirt ;
Or else, the ways being foul, twenty to one
He's here stuck in a slough, and overthrown.
'Twas such a shifter, that if truth were known,
Death was half glad when he had got him down ;
For he had, any time this ten years full,
Dodg'd with him betwixt Cambridge and The Bull.
And surely Death could never have prevail'd,
Had not his weekly course of carriage fail'd ;
But lately, finding him so long at home,
And thinking now his journey's end was come,
And that he had ta'en up his latest inn,
In the kind office of a chamberlin,
Show'd him his room where he must lodge that night,
Pull'd off his boots, and took away the light.
If any ask for him, it shall be said,
" Hobson has supp'd, and 's newly gone to bed."
ANOTHER ON THE SAME.
Here lieth one who did most truly prove
That he could never die while he could move ;
So hung his destiny, never to rot
While he might still jog on and keep his trot ;
Made of sphere-metal, never to decay
Until his revolution was at stay.
Time numbers motion, yet (without a crime
'Gainst old truth) motion number'd out his time ;
ON THE UNIVERSITY CARRIER. 3
And, like an engine moved with wheel and weight,
His principles being ceased, he ended straight.
Rest, that gives all men life, gave him his death,
And too much breathing put him out of breath ;
Nor were it contradiction to affirm
Too long vacation hasten'd on his term.
Merely to drive the time away he sicken'd,
Fainted, and died, nor would with ale be quicken'd.
" Nay," quoth he, on his swooning bed outstretch'd,
" If I mayn't carry, sure I'll ne'er be fetch'd ;
But vow, though the cross doctors all stood hearers,
For one carrier put down to make six bearers."
Ease was his chief disease ; and to judge right,
He died for heaviness that his cart went light ;
His leisure told him that his time was come,
And lack of load made his life burdensome,
That e'en to his last breath (there be that say 't),
As he were press'd to death, he cried, " More weight ! "
But had his doings lasted as they were,
He had been an immortal carrier.
Obedient to the moon he spent his date
In course reciprocal, and had his fate
Link'd to the mutual flowing of the seas ;
Yet, strange to think, his wain was his increase.
His letters are deliver'd all, and gone ;
Only remains this superscription.
JOHN MILTON.
CAP AND GOWN:
ON THE FALL OF THE MITRE TA VERN
IN CAMBRIDGE.
Thomas Randolph, the author of this and the following poem , entered
Trinity College in 1623, at the age of nineteen. He afterwards obtained
a fellowship and commenced Master of Arts, in which degree he was
incorporated at Oxford. He died in 1634. The two poems given here
were first printed in "A Crew of Kind London Gossips " (1663). The
Mitre Tavern stood at the south end of the site now occupied by the
screen of Kings College. This fact is referred to in the tenth stanza ;
Eton's "own College" of course, being King's. The fire took place in
1633, but the house was shortly after rebuilt, and was a popular resort
of undergraduates in the time of Smart. Randolph, in " Aristippus and
the Conceited Pedlar," makes the following reference to the alehouses of
Cambridge: " Generous gentlemen, such is my affection to Phoebus, and the
ninetie-nine Muses, that for the benefit of this Royal Universitie, I have
strodled over three terrestriall globes with my geometricall rambling, viz.
the Asia of the Dolphin, the Afrique of the Rose, the America of the
Mitre, besides the terra incognita of many an Alehouse. " In another
passage he calls Hamon, Wolfe, and Farlowe, the landlords of the
Dolphin, Rose, and Mitre, respectively, "the three best Tutors in the
Universities."
LAMENT, lament, ye Scholars all,
Each wear his blackest Gown,
The Mitre, that held up your wits,
Is now itself fain down.
The dismal fire on London Bridge
Can move no heart of mine :
For that but o'er the water stood,
But this stood o'er the wine.
ON THE FALL OF THE MITRE TAVERN. 5
It needs must melt each Christian heart
That this sad newes but hears,
To think how the good Hogsheads wept
Good Sack, and Claret tears.
The zealous students of the place
Change of Religion fear,
That this mischance may soon bring in
A heresie of beer.
Unhappy Mitre ! I would know
The cause of this sad hap :
Came it by making legs too low
To Pembroke's Cardinal Cap?1
Then know thyself, and cringe no more,
Since Popery went down,
That Cap should vail to thee, for now
The Mitre's next the Crown !
Or was't because our company
Did not frequent your Cell,
As we were wont, to cure these cares
Thou fox'dst thyself, and fell ?
No, sure, the Devil was adry,
And caus'd this fatal blow ;
Twas he that made the Cellar sink,
That he might drink below !
1 The Cardinal's Cap was the sign of a tavern which stood opposite
Pembroke College, where the Pitt Press now is, and was still in exist-
ence at the end of the eighteenth century.
IN CAP AND GOWN.
Yet, though some say, the Devil did it,
That he might drink up all ;
I rather think the Pope was drunk,
And let his Mitre fall.
Lament, ye Eton conjurers,
The want of skill acknowledge :
To let your Tavern fall, which stood
At th' walls of your own College.
Let the Rose with the Falcon molt,
While Sam * enjoy es his wishes ;
The Dolphin too must cast her Crown :
Wine was not made for Fishes.
That Sign a Tavern best becomes,
That shows who loves Wine best;
The Mitre's then the only Sign,
For that's the scholar's Crest.
Then drink sack, Sam, and cheer thy heart :
Be not dismay'd at all :
For we will drink it up again,
Though ourselves do catch a fall.
We'll be thy workmen day and night,
In spite of bugbear Proctors :
We drank like freshmen all before,
But now we'll drink like doctors.
THOMAS RANDOLPH.
1 The landlord.
( 7
THE TOWNSMEN'S PETITION OF
CAMBRIDGE.
We have been unable to discover the date of the dispute betzveen the
Town and Gown referred to in the " Townsmen's Petition" nor do
we know the precise ground of q^^arreL There is, however, no doubt that,
in the early part of the seventeenth century, the townsmen of Cambridge
thoiight they had a grievance, and were anxious, by adding to their own
dignity, to cope with the arrogance (stipposedor real} of the undergraduates.
Another poem of Randolph's, which, like the one given here, is printed in
"A Crew of Kind London Gossips" (1663), begins:
" The Town of Cambridge now
They say shall be a City."
Now Scholars look unto it,
For you will all be undon ;
For the last week, you know it,
The Towns-men rid to London :
The Mayor, if he thrives,
Hath promised, on his word,
The King a pair of Knives,
If he'll give him a Sword ;
That he may put the Beadles down,
And walk in worship here,
And kill all Scholars in the town
That thus do domineer.
And then unto the Court
They do themselves repair,
To make the King some sport,
And all his Nobles there.
IN CAP AND GOWN.
He down upon his knee,
Both he and they together ;
A Sword, he cryes, good King give me,
That I may cut a feather.
There's none at all I have at home,
Will fit my hand, I swear ;
But one of yours will best become
A Sword to domineer.
These Scholars keep such wreaks.
As makes us all afeard,
That if to them a Towns-man speaks,
They will pull off his beard :
But if your Grace such licence gives,
Then let us all be dead,
If each of us had not as lieve
He should pull off his head.
They call us silly drunkards too,
We know not why, nor where ;
All this, and more than this, they do,
'Cause they will domineer.
A speech if I do make,
That hath much learning in't,
A Scholar comes to take,
And sets it out in print ;
We dare not touch them for our lives,
Good King, have pity on us,
For first they play upon our Wives,
And then make songs upon us.
Would we had power to put,
And turn on them the jeer ;
Then we would do the best we could,
But we would domineer.
They stand much on their wit,
We know not what it is,
THE TOWNSMEN'S PETITION OF CAMBRIDGE. 9
But surely, had we liked it,
We had got some of this.
But since it will no better be,
We are constrain'd to frame
Petitions to your Majesty,
These witty ones to tame.
A sword would scare them all, I say,
And put them in great fear ;
A sword of you, good King, we pray,
That we may domineer.
Which if your Grace permits,
We'll make them look about 'em ;
But yet they have such pleasant wits,
We cannot live without 'em.
They have such pretty arguments,
i To run upon our score ;
They say fair words, and good intents
Are worth twice as much more.
And that a clown is highly grac't,
To sit a Scholar near ;
And thus we are like fools out-fac't,
And they do domineer.
Now if you will renew
To us your Grace's Charter,
We'll give a ribbon blew
To some Knight of the Garter.
A Cap also we want,
And Maintenance much more ;
And yet these Scholars brag and vaunt,
As if they had good store.
But not a penny we can see,
Save once in twice 7 year :
They say it is no policy,
Drunkards should domineer.
io IN CAP AND GOWN.
Now reason, reason cries, Alas,
Good Lord-lings, mark it well,
A Scholar told me that it was
A perfect parallel.
Their case and ours so equal stand
As in a way-scale true,
A pound of Candles on each hand,
Will neither higher shew.
Then prithee listen to my speech,
As thou shalt after hear :
And then I doubt it not, my Liege,
But we shall domineer.
Vice-Chancellors they have,
And we have Mayors wise,
With Proctors and with Taskers grave,
Our Bayliffs you may size :
Their silver Staves keep much adoe,
Much more our silver Maces ;
And some think that our Serjeant too,
Their Beadle-Squires out-faces.
And if we had a Sword I think
Along the street to bear,
'Twould make the proudest of them shrink,
And we should domineer :
They've Patrons of Nobility,
And we have our partakers ;
They've Doctors of Divinity,
And we have Basket-makers :
Their Heads, our brethren dear,
Their Fellows, our householders
Shall match them, and we think to bear
Them down by head and shoulders.
A sword give us, O King, we pray,
That we may top them there ;
THE TOWNSMEN'S PETITION OF CAMBRIDGE, n
Since every Dog must have its day,
Let us once domineer.
When they had made the King to laugh,
And see one kiss his hand ;
Then little mirth they make, as if
His mind they understand.
Avoid the room, an Usher cryes,
The King will private sup ;
And so they all came down like fools,
As they before went up.
They cry'd, God bless his Majesty;
And then no doubt they sware,
They'l have the Town made a City,
And here so domineer.
But wot ye what the King did think,
And what his meaning was ;
I vow unto you by this drink,
A rare device he has :
His Majesty hath pen'd it,
That they'l be ne're the better ;
And so he means to send it,
All in a Latine Letter,
Which when it comes for to be read,
It plainly will appear,
The Townsmen they must hang the head,
And the Scholars must domineer.
THOMAS RANDOLPH.
12 IN CAP AND GOWN.
ON THE UNIVERSITY OF CAMBRIDGE'S
BURNING THE DUKE OF MONMOUTH'S
PICTURE, 1685, WHO WAS FORMERLY
THEIR CHANCELLOR.
IN ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION —
" Sed quid
Turba Remi ? sequitur fortunam et semper et odit
Damnatos."
On July 3, 1685, it was ordered, by a grace of the Senate, that the picture
of the Duke of Monmouth, which had been taken down from the Senate
House on his being deprived of the Chancellorship in 1682, should
be burnt by the Yeoman Bedel; and on the nth of the same month
another grace zvas passed^ ordering that the dukJs name should be taken
out of all catalogues of University officers. This action on the part of
the Senate suggested the following verses, which were written by George
Stepney, and published in the " State Poems" (1697). George Stepney
was educated at Westminster and Trinity College, Cambridge, where he
took his degree as B.A. in 1685. After leaving Cambridge he deserted
the muses for politics, and died in 1 707. The Vice- Chancellor referred
to in the poem was Dr. Blythe, Master of Clare Hall, while Tite Tillet
is Titus Tillet, the Yeoman Bedel. In the University accounts for the
year ending Michaelmas, 1685, is found the following entry , " To Titus
Tillet, for porterage and faggots to burne Monmouttts picture in the
Schooles, I or. od."
YES, fickle Cambridge, Perkins found this true,
Both from your Rabble and your Doctors too,
With what applause you once receiv'd his Grace,
And begg'd a Copy of his Godlike Face ;
But when the sage Vice-Chancellor was sure
THE DUKE OF MONMOUTffS PICTURE. 13
The Original in Limbo lay secure,
As greasy as himself he sends a Lictor
To vent his Loyal Malice on the Picture.
The Beadle's Wife endeavours all she can
To save the Image of the tall young man,
Which she so oft when pregnant did embrace.
That with strong thoughts she might improve her race ;
But all in vain, since the wise House conspire
To damn the Canvas Tray tor to the Fire,
Lest it, like Bones of Scanderbeg, incite
Scythe-men next Harvest to renew the fight.
Then in comes Mayor Eagle, and does gravely alledge,
He'll subscribe (if he can) for a bundle of Sedge ;
But the man of Clare-hall that proffer refuses,
'Snigs, he'll be beholden to none but the Muses :
And orders ten Porters to bring the dull Reams
On the Death of good Charles, and Crowning of James ;
And swears he will borrow of the Provost more stuff
On the Marriage of Ann, if that ben't enough.
The Heads lest he get all the profit t' himself
(Too greedy of honour, too lavish of pelf)
This motion deny, and vote that Tite Tillet
Should gather from each noble Doctor a Billet.
The Kindness was common, and so they'd return it,
The Gift was to all, all therefore would burn it :
Thus joining their Stocks for a Bonfire together,
As they club for a Cheese in the Parish of Chedder ;
Confusedly crowd on the Sophs and the Doctors,
The Hangman, the Townsmen, their Wives and the Proctors,
While the Troops from each part of the Countries in all,
Come to quaff his Confusion in Bumpers of stale.
But Rosalin, never unkind to a Duke,
Does by her absence their folly rebuke,
The tender Creature could not see his fate,
14 IN CAP AND GOWN.
With whom she 'ad danc'd a Minuet so late.
The Heads, who never could hope for such frames,
Out of envy condemn'd Sixscore pounds to the flames,
Then his Air was too proud, and his Features amiss,
As if being a Traytor had alter'd his Phiz :
So the Rabble of Rome, whose favour ne'er settles,
Melt down their Sejanus to Pots and Brass Kettles.
GEORGE STEPNEY.
C 15 )
EPIGRAM.
In 171=; George I. purchased from Dr. Moore, Bishop of Ely, a collec-
tion of thirty thousand volumes, and presented them to the University
of Cambridge. By this munificent gift the number of books in the
University Library was more than doubled. About the same time a
troop of horse was sent to Oxford to arrest Colonel Owen and some other
Jacobites. When the king 's present was sent to Cambridge, the following
epigram appeared from the pen of an Oxford man, probably Dr. Joseph
Trapp, or Tom Wharton the elder.
KING GEORGE, observing with judicious eyes
The state of both his Universities,
To Oxford sent a troop of horse ; and why ?
That learned body wanted loyalty.
To Cambridge books he sent, as well discerning
How much that loyal body wanted learning.
Sir Thomas Browne, of St. Peter's College, a Whig, and the founder
of the Epigram medals, retorted with these lines, which, according to
Mrs. Thrale3 were improvised in answer to Dr. Johnson's glorification
of Oxford:'
The king to Oxford sent a troop of horse,
For Tories know no argument but force ;
With equal skill to Cambridge books he sent,
For Whigs admit no force but argument.
16 JN CAP AND GOWN.
"ANGUSTAM AMICE PA UPERIEM PA 77.".
Dr. Richard Bentley (1662-1742), classical scholar and critic, came of
a family of Yorkshire yeomen. In 1676, when only fourteen years of age,
he entered St. John's College, Cambridge, and graduated as B. A. in 1680.
For some years he acted as tutor to the son of Bishop Stilling fleet, whose
chaplain he became, on his ordination, in 1690. In 1697 he published
his famous "Dissertation" on the letters of Phalaris, which concluded
a controversy of some years' duration with the Hen. Charles Boyle.
In 1699 he was appointed Master of Trinity College, on which occasion
he is said to have quoted the text, " By the help of my God have I
leaped over the wall," alluding to the proximity of Trinity and St.
John's Colleges. For the next thirty-eight years he was engaged in an
acrimonious warfare with the fellows of his college, into the merits
of which we need not here enter.
We give the solitary specimen of his poetical composition, praised by
Dr. Johnson as " the forcible verses of a man of a strong mind, but not
accustomed to write verse ; for there is some uncouthness in the expres-
sion." The verses were written in 1722, as a parody on an under-
graduated imitation of Horace's ode, "Angustam amice pauperiem pati"
in which the happiness of a student's career was extolled. The poem
was originally printed in " The Grove," %vo, London, 1721.
Woodward, referred to in line 8, is Dr. Woodward, who by his will,
dated 1727, founded and endowed the Woodwardian professorship of
geology. Whiston, who is chosen by Bentley as a typical theologian,
had, when these verses were written, been recently expelled from the
University for holding Arian views.
WHO strives to mount Parnassus' hill,
And thence poetic laurels bring,
Must first acquire due force and skill,
Must fly with swan's, or eagle's, wing.
" ANGUSTAM AMICE PAUPERISM PATJ." 17
Who Nature's treasures would explore
Her mysteries and arcana know,
Must high, as lofty NEWTON, soar,
Must stoop, as delving WOODWARD, low.
Who studies ancient laws and rites,
Tongues, arts, and arms, all history,
Must drudge, like SELDEN, days and nights,
And in the endless labour die.
Who travels in religious jars,
Truth mixed with errors, shade with rays,
Like WHISTON, wanting pyx and stars,
In ocean wide or sinks, or strays.
But grant, our hero's hopes, long toil,
And comprehensive genius, crown,
All sciences, all arts, his spoil,
Yet what reward, or what renown ?
ENVY innate in vulgar souls,
Envy steps in, and stops his rise ;
Envy with poison'd tarnish fouls
His lustre, and his worth decries.
Inglorious, or by wants enthrall'd,
To college, and old books, confin'd ;
A pedant from his learning call'd,
Dunces advanc'd, he's left behind :
Yet left content, a genuine Stoic he,
Great without patron, rich without South-Sea.
RICHARD BENTLEY.
1 8 IN CAP AND GOWN.
UPON DR. BENT LEY, MASTER OF
TRINITY COLLEGE, CAMBRIDGE.
It is said that, in 1724, Bentley, on going to chapel, found the lock
of the master's stall so rusty that it would not open. This incident
lent colour to the charge, broitght against him some years later, that jor
a long time he had never once attended chapel. The verses here quoted,
•which were written at the time the incident happened, are printed in
Granger and Noble's "Biographical History of England" -vol. Hi.
(1806). A soph, or, to be more precise, a senior soph, is an under-
graduate in his last year.
ZOILUS, tir'd with turning o'er
Dull indexes, a precious store,
For ease to chapel took his way,
Resolv'd to take a nap or pray.
Proceeding slow in solemn state,
Forward he marches to his seat.
But, oh ! the lock, long since disus'd,
T' admit the holy man refus'd !
The virger tugs with fruitless pains,
The rust invincible remains.
Who can describe his woful plight,
Plac'd thus in view, in fullest light,
A spectacle of mirth, expos'd
To sneering friends and giggling foes.
Then first, as 'tis from fame receiv'd,
(But fame can't always be believed,)
UPON DR. BENTLEY.
A blush, the sign of new-born grace,
Gleamed through the horrors of his face.
He held it shameful to retreat,
And worse, to take a lower seat.
The virger soon, with nimble round,
At once vaults o'er the wooden mound,
And gives the door a furious knock,
Which forced the disobedient lock.
Then Zoilus ent'ring in confusion,
His elbows placing on a cushion,
Devoutly loll'd in musing deep,
Unable now to pray or sleep,
Some words imperfect mumbled o'er :
The wicked Sophs declare he swore,
That none should e'er for seven years' space
Again behold him in that place.
What then ? 'tis plain, in strictest truth,
Religiously he kept his oath.
20 IN CAP AND GOWN.
THE CANTAB.
Vincent Bourne, who, as a writer of Latin verse, had no rival among
his contemporaries, was educated at Westminster and Trinity College,
Cambridge, where he took his B.A. degree in 1717. He was afterwards
Cowper's master at Westminster ; and Cowper, who, as he said, "had
an affection for the memory of Vinny Bourne," translated a considerable
number of his poems into English. Charles Lamb, too, had a sincere
admiration for Bourne, and Englished some of the most polished of his
verses. We reprint here two of Cowper's translations, and one of
LamUs*.
WITH two spurs or one, and no great matter which,
Boots bought, or boots borrow'd, a whip or a switch,
Five shillings or less for the hire of his beast,
Paid part into hand : — you must wait for the rest.
Thus equipt, Academicus climbs up his horse,
And out they both sally for better or worse ;
His heart void of fear, and as light as a feather ;
And in violent haste to go not knowing whither :
Through the fields and the towns (see !) he scampers along,
And is look'd at and laugh'd at by old and by young.
Till at length overspent, and his sides smear'd with blood,
Down tumbles his horse, man and all in the mud.
In a waggon or chaise shall he finish his route ?
Oh ! scandalous fate ! he must do it on foot.
Young gentlemen, hear ! — I am older than you !
The advice that I give I have proved to be true :
Wherever your journey may be, never doubt it,
The faster you ride, you're the longer about it.
VINCENT BOURNE (translated by W. COWPER).
SPA RR 0 WS SELF - D OMES TIC A TED IN
TRINITY COLLEGE, CAMBRIDGE.
NONE ever shared the social feast,
Or as an inmate or a guest,
Beneath the celebrated dome
Where once Sir Isaac had his home,
Who saw not (and with some delight
Perhaps he view'd the novel sight)
How numerous, at the tables there,
The sparrows beg their daily fare.
For there, in every nook and cell
Where such a family may dwell,
Sure as the vernal season comes
Their nest they weave in hopes of crumbs,
Which kindly given, may serve with food
Convenient their unfeather'd brood ;
And oft as with its summons clear
The warning bell salutes their ear,
Sagacious listeners to the sound,
They flock from all the fields around,
To reach the hospitable hall,
None more attentive to the call.
Arrived, the pensionary band,
Hopping and chirping, close at hand,
Solicit what they soon receive,
The sprinkled, plenteous donative.
22 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Thus is a multitude, though large,
Supported at a trivial charge ;
A single doit would overpay
The expenditure of every day ;
And who can grudge so small a grace
To suppliants, natives of the place ?
VINCENT BOURNE (translated by W. COWPER).
NEWTON'S PRINCIPIA.
GREAT Newton's self, to whom the world's in debt,
Owed to School Mistress sage his Alphabet ;
But quickly wiser. than his Teacher grown,
Discovered properties to her unknown j
Of A plus B, or minus, learn'd the use,
Known Quantities from unknown to educe ;
And made — no doubt to that old dame's surprise—
The Christ- Cross-Row his Ladder to the skies.
Yet, whatsoe'er Geometricians say,
Her Lessons were his true PRINCIPIA !
VINCENT BOURNE (translated by CHARLES LAMB).
24 IN CAP AND GOWN.
ON THE MASTERS OF CLARE HALL AND
CAIUS (OR KEYS) COLLEGE.
Sir Thomas Gooch, Bart., and Bishop successively of Bristol, A'orwich,
and Ely, was Master of Gonville and Caius College from 1716 to 1754.
John Wikox was Master of Clare from 1736 to 1762. 7 his epigram is
printed in Nichols" "Select Collection of Poems" (1780-82), vol. vii.
p. 226.
SAYS Gooch to old Wilcox, " Come take t'other bout."
"'Tis late," says the Master, "I'll not be lock'd out."
" Mere stuff," cries the Bishop, " stay as long as you please ;
What signify gates ? Arn't 1 master of Keys ? "
A DIALOGUE IN THE SENATE HOUSE
AT CAMBRIDGE.
In 1745 Mr. Burrell, afterwards Baron Gwydir, presented a statue to
the University, which he called ' ' Academic Glory. " It was the work of an
Italian sculptor, named Baratta, and was executed in 1715. It had stood
at Canons, near the Duke of Marlboroiigh1 s figure, in honour of his
military victories. It was placed on the soiith side of the Senate House,
opposite the statue of George I. After it had stood there about three
years a grace was proposed:
" That whereas the statue called ' Glory* had been put up without any
decree of the senate first had, that the thanks of the University should be
given to Peter Burrell, Esq., for the said statue, and that it should be
removed out of the Senate House and placed where the syndics for the
library should think proper ;"
7 his grace was rejected, and two days later a grace to return thanks
to Mr. Burrell was passed. Thus the statue remained in the Senate
House. The dispute was dtte to political considerations. It was said
that the statue did not represent " Glory," but was a portrait of Queen
Anne, and on this ground strenuous opposition was offered by the Whigs
to its remaining in the Senate House. The statue is now in the Fitz-
william Museum.
The "Dialogue in the Senate House" is printed in Nichols1 "Illustra-
tions of Literature," vol. i. pp. 66, 67, where it is ascribed to the father
of Mr. Jiistice Hardmge.
" Anne si ey's friend, who Learning's Giant slew" is the Sir Thomas
Gooch mentioned in the last poem, "Learning's Giant''1 bang Dr.
Bent ley. In the year 1718, when Sir Thomas was Vice- Chancellor,
Bentley was deprived of all his degrees. On the occasion of a visit of
George /. to Cambridge, the honorary degree of D.D. was conferred on
several members of the University. Bentley, the Regius Professor of
Divinity, demanded from each of them the additional fee of £$. Conyers
Middleton, one of those on whom the degree was conferred, paid his
26 IN CAP AND GOWN.
.£4, and then sued Bentley for it in the Vice- Chancellor's Court.
Bentley declined to refund the money, and though bail was given for
his appearartce, he did not answer the summons. Bentley *s degrees were
then taken away from him, and thotigh this was an illegal act, they were
not recovered for six years.
Daniel Wray, referred to in the latter part of 'the poem , was supposed
to have been the chief advocate for the expulsion of the statue from
the Senate House. Yet, in a letter to his friend, Mr. Yorke, he disclaims
the "Iconoclasts."
Stranger. Whose is this image ? — Beadle. ACADEMIC
GLORY.
S. Is she a maid or matron ? Whig, or Tory ?
What quarry could produce so huge a block ?
What engines heave her from her native rock ?
What vehicle the pond'rous marble bear ?
Who bought her, who transform'd, who plac'd her there ?
JB. Who plac'd her there ? A mason. — S. Whose design
Contriv'd her statue's architecture ? — B. Mine.
S. Who thus her pedestal with Latin grac'd ?
Who taught her thus to speak in words unchaste ?
" Come all, come all, partake my ample treasure,
Who best deserve the palm ! M1 Is that her pleasure ?
Her youths invites she thus ? — B. The line, they say,
Is borrow'd, word for word, from Virgil's lay.
Poems I study not ; I seek, I own,
Vitruvian art, Vitruvian style alone ;
But to myjohnian friends I give due credit,
And they in Virgil or in Maro read it.
Virgil unchaste ! Is your's a true translation ?
You differ surely from the congregation !
S. The congregation, Sir ! Did Alma Mater
A deity by solemn grace create her ?
And place her opposite to George's view,
Fix'd in the place to George the Second due ?
1 " Cuncti adsunt, meritaeque expectant praemia palmae.
A DIALOGUE IN THE SENATE HOUSE. 27
B. Some mysteries, from anxious eyes conceal'd,
To Clerks alone and Churchmen are reveal'd.
Though Whigs and Wits her origin suspected,
And still enquire by whom she's thus erected,
Faction, to shake her base, conspires in vain ;
A deity she is and must remain.
What though, her brawny limbs and stately size,
Taste, and vertu, and elegance despise,
To us her shape unzoned, unclasped with boddice,
And more than Virgin stride, proclaim the Goddess.1
S. To Diaris image thus, with pomp array'd,
Their glowing vows Ephesian zealots paid ;
Though conscious whence the fusile ore was brought,
What craftsman's skill the ductile figure wrought,
The work divine with transport they commended,
Which, as they feign'd, from Jove himself descended.
B. What Glory was, why seek her sons to know ?
See what alluring gifts she offers now /
Caps to the learn'd, a mitre to the sleek,
And white-glov'd Chaplain, who forgets his Greek ;
To Heads, repose : to Bards, Parnassian bays ;
To all, or worthy or unworthy, praise.
6". What mean those types that lurk beneath her feet,
Emblems ill-hid by ignorant deceit ?
What means that civic crown ? Are these, rewards
For sage Divines, Philosophers, and Bards ?
B. Nor smiles on these alone the Goddess ; she,
Propitious Queen ! some boon reserves for me.
If Anneslefs friend, who Learning's Giant slew,
A convert deem'd, preferred to honours new,
Laughs in his sleeve of lawn, and shakes his sides,
Eats, drinks, and marries, age and care derides,
1 " Vera incessu patuit Dea" (Virgil).
28 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Why may not I, by her caress inspir'd,
By jovial port, and just ambition fir'd,
Claim from her patroness an equal grace,
And for a Headship change the Beadle's mace ?
S. Her gifts I envy not ; but wonder more
So partially she deals her bounty's store ;
HARDiNGE,1 whose merit friends and foes confess'd,
By her repulse defeated, sinks oppress'd.
B. So perish all, who insolently dare,
Snatch'd from our champion's crest, a plume to wear !
Those frantic foes, who late, with towering pride,
The Church, the Prince, and Rutherforth defied,
Now in luxurious ease supinely sleep,
Nor discipline retain, nor vigils keep :
We, in firm phalanx join'd, a chosen few,
With scattered troops successful war renew ;
Rise by defeat, and, from the victor's brow,
Steal the fresh garland of his Delphic bough,
Triumphal wreaths around our temples twine,
And consecrate our spoils at Glory's shrine.
S. And what if Granta, rous'd by honest shame,
Should haply wake, and vindicate her fame ;
Precipitate this Demon from her throne,
And vengefully eject this load of stone !
B. Urg'd by unjust reproof, I shall unfold
A tale, perhaps not lawful to be told.
Her from the solid substance, vast and rude,
First into Fame a painful sculptor hew'd ;
Her head a trumpet, wings her shoulders bore,
This wrinkled robe thus channel'd then she wore ;
Deck'd with fit attributes in front and rear,
1 The author of this poem, and in jest the hero of his own eloge, had
a dispute at this time with the University respecting the non-performance
of a divinity exercise.
A DIALOGUE IN THE SENATE HOUSE. 29
Expos'd to view, she charm'd a gazing Peer ; l
Who only disapprov'd her wings and trump,
And made some small objections to the rump.
These faults corrected, straight at Canons rear'd,
Mix'd in a grove of statues she appear'd;
There MarlborougKs form she lovingly beheld,
And, wreathed for him, a civic chaplet held :
But when, invoked by Cocks' 2 enchanting tone,
As at Amphiorfs call, each sculptur'd stone
Obsequious trembled at his hammer's sound,
And fled, so summon'd, that unhappy ground,
A youth,8 to Phoebus, and the Muses dear,
At Grantds voice who lent the filial ear ;
To her the destin'd gift this idol bought,
And at her feet his votive image brought,
In doubt at first, what Nymph's, what Heroine's name,
What Queen's was best adapted to the Dame ;
At length, by vote unanimous, we made her
A Sovereign Goddess, and as such display'd her :
But, fearing lest the Senate should disown,
As George's friends, his Adversary's stone,
Inscribed with bits of verse and scraps of prose,
(The verse at least is classical) we chose
To make and call her ACADEMIC GLORY,
Still in disguise a Queen, and still a Tory.
S. Approved the Senate this transfiguration,
Or licens'd by decree the consecration ?
B. Not by decree ; but when malignant WRAY,*
1 Duke of Chandos.
2 Cocks, the celebrated auctioneer of his day, was employed in the
sale of Canons and its superb furniture, in the dilapidation of that mag-
nificent mansion.
3 Peter Burrell, Esq., of St. John's.
4 Daniel Wray entered Queen's College as a fellow-commoner in
30 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Eager in hope, impatient of delay,
A dapper, pert, loquacious, busy elf,
More active for the public than himself,
Ran to and fro with anxious looks, and prated,
And mov'd she might from hence be soon translated,
Dissenting from their friends, a wise majority
Supported us, and her, by their authority :
And who shall now remove her from the scene,
Or dare to drive her from the Muses ? — S. Keened
So when the father of his country fled,
By fear of tribunitial rage misled,
On exil'd Cicero's devoted floor
Clodius upraised his Tanagraean whore :
Th' indignant Senate saw, with patriot eyes,
A harlot cloath'd in Liberty's disguise :
But, when again to Latian skies restor'd,
Her joy and guardian grateful Rome ador'd,
Their ancient seat, by her abode profaned,
His household gods with dignity regained.
NICHOLAS HARDINGE.
1718, graduated as M.A. in 1728, and for many years resided in Cam-
bridge.
1 Vice-Chancellor in 1750, aftei wards successively Bishop of Chester
and of Ely.
ON TAKING A BACHELOR'S DEGREE.
IN ALLUSION TO HORACE, BK. in. OD. 30 —
"Exegi monumentum acre perennius."
Christopher Smart (i7'22-i77o) was admitted to Pembroke Hall in
1739, graduated as J5.A. in 1743, and two years later was elected to a
fellowship at his college. In 1753 he qititted Cambridge, having previously
married Miss Carman. While at the University, in addition to many
sacred poems, written for the Seatonian Prize, Smart wrote a good deal of
occasional verse, contributing to " The Student, or Oxford and Cambridge
Miscellany," and editing, with Newbery> " The Midwife, or the Old
Woman 's Magazine. n
The former periodical first appeared on Jamiary 31, 1750, and came
to an end in the July of the next year. In addition to Smart, Bonnel
Thornton and Thomas Wharton contributed to it, while a "Life of
Dr. Francis Cheynell" was from the hand of Dr. Johnson. 7 he five
toems which follow appeared in it.
The second stanza of the poem, " On taking a Bachelor's Degree,"
has, curiously enough, proved to be prophetic, for it is not much more
than a year ago that Mr. Gosse successfully searched the buttery books of
Pembroke College for records of Christopher Smart's University career.
In order to qualify for a bachelor's degree in former times, under-
gi-aduates had to dispute, or "keep acts," in the schools. The official
who presided at these disputations was termed a " moderator"
'Tis done : I tow'r to that degree,
And catch such heav'nly fire,
That Horace ne'er could rank like me,
Nor is King's chapel higher.'-'
1 "Kegali situ pyramidum altius."
32 /-V CAP AND GOWN'.
My name in sure recording page
Shall time itself o'erpow'r,1
If no rude mice with envious rage
The buttery books devour.
A title,2 too, with added grace,
My name shall now attend,
Till to the church with silent pace
A nymph and priest ascend.3
Ev'n in the schools I now rejoice,
Where late I shook with fear,
Nor heed the Moderator's voice
Loud thundering in my ear.4
Then with ^Eolian flute I blow
A soft Italian lay,5
Or where Cam's scanty waters flow,8
Releas'd from lectures stray.
Meanwhile, friend Banks,7 my merits claim
Their just reward from you,
For Horace bids us challenge fame,
When once that fame's our due.8
1 " Quod non . . . innumerabilis
Annorum series."
2 Bachelor.
3 " Dum Capitolium
Scandet cum tacita virgine pontifex."
4 " Qua violens obstrepit Aufidus."
" Aeolium carmen ad Italos
Deduxisse modos."
6 " Qua pauper aquae Daunus," etc.
7 A celebrated tailor.
8 " Sume superbiam
Quaesitam meritis. "
ON TAKING A BACHELOR'S DEGREE. 33
Invest me with a graduate's gown,
Midst shouts of all beholders,
My head with ample square-cap crown,1
And deck with hood my shoulders.
B.A.
(C. SMART.)
CAMBRIDGE.
1 "Mihi Delphic^.
Lauro cinge volens . . . comain."
34 W CAP AND
ON AN EAGLE CONFINED IN A COLLEGE
COURT.
Christopher Smart is scarcely more kindly in his references to college
life than Gray, whose condemnation of his University is to be found on
4>. 46. The Bursar's accounts at 7rinify College for 1744-45, 1745-46,
during which years Smart was residing in Cambridge, record expenses
for a trough and chain "/or the eagle" This entry gives an unexpected
actuality to Smart's verses.
IMPERIAL bird, who wont to soar
High o'er the rolling cloud,
Where Hyperborean mountains hoar
Their heads in ether shroud ;
Thou servant of almighty Jove,
Who, free and swift as thought, could'st rove
To the bleak north's extremest goal ;
Thou, who magnanimous could'st bear
The sovereign thund'rer's arms in air,
And shake thy native pole !
Oh, cruel fate ! what barbarous hand,
What more than Gothic ire,
At some fierce tyrant's dread command,
To check thy daring fire,
Has plac'd thee in this servile cell,
Where Discipline and Dulness dwell,
ON AN EAGLE CONFINED IN A COLLEGE COUR7. 35
Where Genius ne'er was seen to roam ;
Where ev'ry selfish soul's at rest,
Nor ever quits the carnal breast,
But lurks and sneaks at home !
Tho' dim'd thy eye, and clipt thy wing,
So grov'ling ! once so great !
The grief-inspired Muse shall sing
In tend'rest lays thy fate.
What time by thee scholastic Pride
Takes his precise, pedantic stride,
Nor on thy mis'ry casts a care,
The stream of love ne'er from his heart
Hows out, to act fair pity's part ;
But stinks, and stagnates there.
Yet useful still, hold to the throng —
Hold the reflecting glass, —
That not untutor'd at thy wrong
The passenger may pass.
Thou type of wit and sense confm'd,
Cramp'd by the oppressors of the mind,
Born to look downward on the ground ;
Type of the fall of Greece and Rome ;
While more than mathematic gloom
Envelopes all around.
C. SMART,
36 IN CAP AND GOWN.
THE PRETTY BAR-KEEPER OF THE
MITRE.
This poem -was written at college in 1741, and published in " The Oxford
and Cambridge Miscellany" An explanation of the Johniarts " snout "
will be found in the Introduction. For the Mitre 'lavern^ see p. 4.
" RELAX, sweet girl, your wearied mind,
And to hear the poet talk,
Gentlest creature of your kind,
Lay aside your sponge and chalk ;
Cease, cease the bar bell, nor refuse
To hear the jingle of the Muse.
" Hear your numerous vot'ries' prayers,
Come, O come, and bring with thee
Giddy whimsies, wanton airs,
And all love's soft artillery ;
Smiles and throbs, and frowns and tears,
With all the little hopes and fears."
She heard — she came — and e'er she spoke,
Not unravish'd you might see
Her wanton eyes that wink'd the joke,
Ere her tongue could set it free.
"While a forc'd blush her cheeks inflam'd,
And seemed to say she was asham'd.
THE PRETTY BAR-KEEPER OF THE MITRE. 37
No handkerchief her bosom hid,
No tippet from our sight debars
Her heaving breasts with moles o'erspread,
Mark'd, little hemispheres, with stars ;
While on them all our eyes we move,
Our eyes that meant immoderate love.
In every gesture, every air,
Th' imperfect lisp, the languid eye,
In every motion of the fair
We awkward imitators vie,
And, forming our own from her face,
Strive to look pretty as we gaze.
If e'er she sneer'd, the mimic crowd
Sneer'd too, and all their pipes laid down ;
If she but stoop'd, we lowly bow'd,
And sullen if she 'gan to frown,
In solemn silence sat profound —
But did she laugh? — the laugh went round.
Her snuff-box if the nymph pulled out,
Each Johnian in responsive airs
Fed with the tickling dust his snout,
With all the politesse of bears.
Dropt she her fan beneath her hoop ?
Ev'n stake-stuck Clarians strove to stoop.
The sons of culinary Kays
Smoking from the eternal treat,
Lost in ecstatic transport gaze,
As though the fair was good to eat ;
Ev'n gloomiest King's men, pleased a while,
" Grin horribly a ghastly smile."
IN CAP AND GOWN.
" But hark," she cries, e< my mama calls,"
And straight she's vanish'd from our sight ;
'Twas then we saw the empty bowls,
'Twas then we first perceiv'd it night ;
While all, sad svnod, silent moan,
Both that she went, and went alone.
C. SMART.
C 39 >
THE HAPPINESS OF A GOOD
ASSURANCE.
(Horace, Bk. i. Od. 22. Imitated and moderniz'd. )
In the following poem reference is made throughout to a code of " Orders
and Regulations" ' which the Duke of Newcastle, the Chancellor of the
University, submitted to the Senate on May II, 1750. On that date
some of tliem were rejected, but the whole eighteen were passed on the
zbth of June.
They prescribed the costume in which undergraduates ^vere invariably
to appear ; they prohibited the keeping of horses or dogs ; they ordered
undergraduates not to go to coffee-house, tennis-court, or cricket-ground
between 9 and 12 a.m., and to leave taverns at n p.m. Respect /or
superiors in standing as well as for those in authority was inculcated,
and evil company, dicing, and rioting were forbidden in the strictest
terms.
The sophs are called "tattered" in the third stanza, because their
gowns, having seen three years'1 service, were naturally "things of shreds
and patches ," as the " Gradus ad Cantabrigiam " calls them. " Gilded
tossils " are, of course, fellow-commoners. Rusticate (line 29) is defined
by Dr. Johnson in his Dictionary as "to banish into the country."
Wish, whose claret is alluded to in the fourth stanza, was the landlord
of the Tuns. At the time this poem was written, his tavern had attained
an tinenviable notoriety. It had been entered by the proctor when a
dinner of the old " Westminsters" was being held, with the Professor
of Greek in the chair. The proctor's foolish interference on this occasion
led to a great deal of tinpleasant feeling, and finally to an action before
the Vice-Chancellor's Court.
4o IN CAP AND GOWN.
WHOE'ER with frontless phiz is blest,
Still in a blue or scarlet vest
May saunter through the town,
Or strut regardless of the rules,
Even to St. Mary's or the schools^
In hat or poplin gown.
A dog he unconcern'd maintains,
And seeks with gun the sportful plains
Which ancient Cam divides ;
Or to the hills on horseback strays
(Unask'd his tutor), or his chaise
To fam'd Newmarket guides.
For in his sight (whose brow severe
Each morn the coffee-houses fear,
Each night the taverns dread ;
To whom the tatter'd Sophs bend low,
To whom the gilded tossils bow,
And graduates nod the head ;)
Ev'n in the proctor's awful sight,
On Regent-walk at twelve last night
Unheedingly I came ;
And though with Wish's claret fir'd,
I brush'd his side, he ne'er enquir'd
My college or my name.
Were I oblig'd whole terms to keep,
And haste to chapel rous'd from sleep,
At five each frosty morning ;
Or for a riot should my ear
Of hated rustication hear
The first or second warning ;
THE HAPPINESS OF A GOOD ASSURANCE. 41
Ev'n tho' my friends with careless looks
Beheld unpitying all my books
At Thurlbourris auction selling ;
Or (of all evils most severe ! )
Were I at Barnwell for a year
Condemn'd to fix my dwelling ;
Yet there I never would repine,
But, Horace-like, with generous wine
Be mirthful still and jolly ;
And still in uncorrupted lays
Thro' BarnwelFs grove resound the praise
Of distant, virtuous Polly.
SOPHISTA.
CAMBRIDGE, August i, 1750.
CAP AND GOWN.
THE LOUNGER.
For a description of the " Lounger" who was defined by Dr. Johnson
as an " ambulatory student," the reader is referred to the* Introduction.
The poem we give here was first published in " The Ox ford and Cambridge
Miscellany" in 1751, and afterwards appeared, with a slight alteration,
in the " Oxford Sausage" (1764). It is interesting to note that dinner
was at this time served in the college halls at twelve o'clock. The
Tindergraduates were thus able to attend the disputations in the schools,
which opened at two. At the end of the eighteenth century the dinner-
hottr was shifted to one, and ever since has been getting later and later.
We have already referred to the Mitre on p. 4. For the Tuns, see
note on the last poem.
I RISE about nine, get to breakfast by ten,
Blow a tune on my flute, or perhaps make a pen ;
Read a play till eleven, or cock my lac'd hat ;
Then step to my neighbour's, till dinner, to chat.
Dinner over to Tom's, or to Claphairis x I go,
The news of the town so impatient to know ;
While Law, Locke, and Newton and all the rum race,
That talk of their modes, their ellipses and space,
The seat of the soul, and new systems on high,
In holes, as abstruse as their mysteries, lie.
From the Coffee-House then I to Tennis away,
And at six I post back to my college, to pray :
I sup before eight, and secure from all duns,
Undauntedly march to the Mitre or Tuns ;
1 Noted coffee-houses in Cambridge.
THE LOUXGER.
Where in punch or good claret my sorrows I drown,
And toss off a bowl, to the best in the town :
At one in the morning, I call what's to pay,
Then home to my chambers I stagger away,
Thus I tope all the night, as I trirle all day.
44 /#" CAP AND GOIVN.
EPIGRAM ON DR. OGDEN,
ST. JOHN'S COLLEGE, WOODWARDIAN PROFESSOR, PERPETUAL
CURATE OF ST. SEPULCHRE'S.
Samuel Ogden (B.A. 1737, D.D. 1753), who is referred to in the
following verses, was one of the most eccentric characters of his time.
He was said to be remarkably wealthy, and it was only this reptita-
tion that rendered tolerable his roiigh manners and blunt method of
speech. He was a popular preacher •, and always managed to fill the
Round Church. He was elected Wood^vardian Professor in 1764. The
following anecdote from Gunning 's ' ' Reminiscences " will give some idea
of the doctor's character :
" When my father was in college, he freqttently went to see the doctor
on a Sunday afternoon, and took coffee with him. Invariably the first
question was, ' Hast any news to tell ? ' Upon one occasion my father
replied, '/ have just heard that Dr. is dead.' * Art sure?
WJiafs thy aiithority ? ' My father replied he had heard it from James
Bullman, the scholar's butler. ' Shabby authority y go and try if thou
canst not mend it ! ' On my father's return, he said he had by chance
met the confidential servant of the deceased, who had confirmed the news.
' That will do,' said he ; ' and now let me see. He had a stall at
Canterbury, and two livings, all in the gift of the Crown — let's try what
we can lay our hands upon — take a pen, and write as I dictate.' He
dictated as follows : * The great are always liable to importunity ; those
who are both good and great are liable to a double portion.'
" / have frequently heard my father repeat the rest of the letter, but I
can only call to mind the two short sentences with which it began ; the
remaining part was written in the same peculiar style, and was addressed
to the Prime Minister. However, he was always unsuccessful in his
application for preferment. "
The following verses are preserved in the Cole MSS. They refer to
three sets of congratulatory vene written by Ogden. The first, in Latin,
EPIGRAM ON DR. OGDEN. 45
appeared in 1760, upon the death of George //. and the accession of
George III. ; the second, in English, on the marriage of George HI.
•with Queen Charlotte, was written in 1761 ; and the third, in Arabic,
upon the birth of George, Prince of Wales, in 1762. Cole ascribes the
epigram to R. Pepper Arden, of Trinity College (B.A. 1766), who was
created Baron Alvanley in 1801.
WHEN Ogden his prosaic verse
In Latin numbers drest,
The Roman language proved too weak
To stand the critic's test.
To English Rhime he next essay'd
To shew he'd some pretence ;
But ah ! Rhime only would not do :
They still expected sense.
Enraged the Doctor swore he'd place
On critics no reliance ;
So wrapt his thoughts in Arabic
And bid 'em all defiance.
R. PEPPER ARDEN.
45 IN CAP AND GOWN.
SATIRE UPON THE HEADS; OR, NEVER
A BARREL THE BETTER HERRING.
Thomas Gray, the poet, was one of those who despised the University
which pretended to give him his education. He entered Peterhouse
College in 1734, and two years later wrote to his friend, Mr. West, the
following scathing description of Cambridge: "Surely it was of this
place, now Cambridge, but formerly known by the name of Babylon, that
the prophet spoke when he said, ' The wild beasts of the desert shall d^ivell
there, and their houses shall be full of doleful creatiires, and owls shall
build there, and satyrs shall dance there ; their forts and towers shall be
a den for ever, and a joy of wild asses ; there shall the great owl make
her nest, and lay, and hatch, and gather under her shadow ; it shall be
a court of dragons ; the screech owl also shall rest there, and find for
herself a place of rest. '" In 1756 Gray migrated to Pembroke Hall,
because at Peterhouse ' ' the rooms were noisy, and the people of the house
imcivil" This incivilitv consisted in some tindergraduates inducing
Gray by an alarm of fire to descend by a rope ladder inlo a tub of
water beneath his window. His " Satire ^tpon the Heads " was written
about 1765, and first printed in Mr. Cossets edition of the poet's works,
from the manuscript in Lord Houghtorfs possession.
O CAMBRIDGE, attend
To the Satire I've pen'd
On the Heads of thy Houses,
Thou Seat of the Muses !
Know the Master of Jesus
Does hugely displease us ;
The Master of Maudlin
In the same dirt is dawdling;
SATIRE UPON 7 HE HEADS. 47
The Master of Sidney
Is of the same kidney ;
The Master of Trinity
To him bears affinity ;
As the Master of Keys
Is as like as two pease,
So the Master of Queen's
Is as like as two beans ;
The Master of King's
Copies them in all things ;
The Master of Catherine
Takes them all for his pattern ;
The Master of Clare
Hits them all to a hair ;
The Master of Christ
By the rest is enticed ;
But the Master of Emmanuel
Follows them like a spaniel ;
The Master of Benet
Is of the like tenet ;
The Master of Pembroke
Has from them his system took ;
The Master of Peter's
Has all the same features ;
The Master of St. John's
Like the rest of the Dons.
P.S.— As to Trinity Hall
We say nothing at all.
THOMAS GRAY.
48 ;N CAP AND GO WAI
SQUARING THE CIRCLE,
In June, 1769, a petition was offered to the Duke of Graf ton, Chan-
cellor of the University, by the undergraduates of Cambridge to alter
their statutable dress, and to adopt a square cap, such as was worn by
the higher degrees at the University.
Hitherto they had worn " round caps or bonnets of black cloth, lined
with black silk or canvass, with a brim of black velvet for the pensioner ,
and of prunella or silk for the sizars"
This change suggested the following epigram, which was published
in the " Cambridge Chronicle" for Juty I, 1769, and is reprinted in
Hart shame's *' Book Rarities of the University of Cambridge"
The square cap had previously been worn by Doctors and Masters of
Arts, and is said by a writer in " Notes and Queries" 1st series, vol. vi.
p. 579, to resemble the head-gear worn by the ancient kings of China.
" Mutantque rotunda
Quadratis."
YE learn' d cf every age and climate yield,
And to illustrious Cambridge quit the field,
What sage Professors never yet could teach,
Nor Archimedes, nor our Newton reach ;
What ancients and what moderns vainly sought,
Cambridge with ease hath both attain'd and taught :
This truth even envy must herself allow,
For all her scholars Square the Circle now.
( 49
THE BARBER.
A FRAGMENT OF A PINDARIC ODE FROM AN OLD MANUSCRIPT IN
THE MUSEUM, WHICH MR. GRAY CERTAINLY HAD IN HIS EYE
WHEN HE WROTE THE "BARD."
This parody was written by Hon. Thomas Erskine, at Trinity College,
Cambridge, between 1776 and 1778, and arose from the circumstance of
the authors barber coming too late to dress his hair at his lodgings, at the
shop of Mr. Jackson, an apothecary at Cambridge. By this delay he lost
his dinner in hall; when, in imitation of the despairing bard who pro-
phesied the destruction of King Edward's race, he poured forth his curses
on the whole race of barbers, predicting their ruin in the simplicity of a
future generation. Erskine, after a brilliant career as a barrister,
became Lord Chancellor in 1806. On the important and dignified
position held by the college barber, see note on p. 323.
" RUIN seize thee, scoundrel Coe !
Confusion on thy frizzing wait !
Hads't thou the only comb below,
Thou never more shoulds't touch my pate.
Club nor queue, nor twisted tail,
Nor e'en thy chatt'ring, barber ! shall avail
To save thy horsewhipped back from daily fears ;
From Cantab's curse, from Cantab's tears ! "
Such were the sounds that o'er the powdered pride
Of Coe the Barber scattered wild dismay,
As down the steep of Jackson's slippery lane
He wound with puffing march his toilsome, tardy, way.
£
50 AV CAP AND GOWN'.
In a room where Cambridge town
Frowns o'er the kennels' stinking flood,
Rob'd in a flannel powd'ring-gown,
With haggard eyes poor Erskine stood ;
(Long his beard, and blouzy hair
Streamed like an old wig to the troubled air ;)
And with clung guts, and face than razor thinner,
Swore the loud sorrows of his dinner.
" Hark ! how each striking clock and tolling bell
With awful sounds the hour of eating tell !
O'er thee, oh Coe ! their dreaded noes they wave,
Soon shall such sounds proclaim thy yawning grave j
Vocal in vain, through all this lingering day,
The grace already said, the plates all swept away.
" Cold is Beau * *'s tongue
That soothed each virgin's pain ;
Bright perfumed M * * has cropped his head :
Almack's ! you moan in vain :
Each youth whose high toupee
Made huge Plinlimmon bow his cloud-capt head
In humble Tyburn-top we see,
Esplashed with dirt and sun-burnt face ;
Far on before the ladies mend their pace,
The Macaroni sneers, and will not see. •
Dear lost companions of the coxcomb's art,
Dear as a turkey to these famished eyes,
Dear as the ruddy port which warms my heart,
Ye sunk amidst the fainting Misses' cries —
No more I weep,— they do not sleep :
At yonder ball, a sturdy band,
I see them sit ; they linger yet,
Avengers of fair Nature's hand :
With me in dreadful resolution join,
To crop with one accord, and starve their cursed line.
THE BARBER. 51
"Weave the warp, and weave the woof,
The winding sheet of barbers' race ;
Give ample room and verge enough
Their lengthened lantern jaws to trace.
Mark the year and mark the night,
When all their shops shall echo with affright ;
Loud screams shall through St. James's turrets ring,
To see, like Eton boy, the King !
Puppies of France, with unrelenting paws,
That scrape the foretops of our aching heads ;
No longer England owns thy fribblish laws,
No more her folly Gallia's vermin feeds.
They wait at Dover for the first fair wind,
Soup-meagre in the van, and snuff; roast-beef behind.
" Mighty barbers, mighty lords,
Low on a greasy bench they lie !
No pitying heart or purse affords
A sixpence for a mutton-pye !
Is the mealy prentice fled ?
Poor Coe is gone, all supperless to bed.
The swarm that in thy shop each morning sat
Comb their lank hair on forehead flat :
Fair laughs the morn, when all the world are beaux,
While vainly strutting through a silly land,
In foppish train the puppy Barber goes ;
Lace on his shirt, and money at command,
Regardless of the skulking bailiff's sway,
That, hid in some dark court, expects his evening prey.
" The porter-mug fill high,
Bak'd curls and locks prepare ;
Reft of our heads, they yet by wigs may live :
Close by the greasy chair
52 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Fell thirst and famine lie,
No more to Art will beauteous Nature give.
Heard ye the gang of Fielding say,
Sir John,1 at last we've found their haunt ;
To desperation driven by hungry want,
Through the crammed laughing Pit they steal their way ?
Ye towers of Newgate ! London's lasting shame,
By many a foul and midnight murder fed,
Revere poor Mr. Coe 2 the blacksmith's fame
And spare the grinning Barber's chuckle head.
" Rascals ! we tread thee underfoot,
(Weave we the woof ; the thread is spun :)
Our beards we pull out by the root ;
(The web is wove — your work is done.) "
" Stay, oh stay ! nor thus forlorn
Leave me uncurled, undinnered, here to mourn.
Through the broad gate that leads to College Hall
They melt, they fly, they vanish all.
But oh ! what happy scenes of pure delight,
Slow moving on, their simple charms unroll !
Ye rapt'rous visions, spare my aching sight ;
Ye unborn beauties, crowd not on my soul !
No more our long-lost Coventry we wail :
All hail, ye genuine forms ; fair Nature's issue, hail !
" Not frizzed and frittered, pinned and rolled,
Sublime their artless locks they wear,
And gorgeous dames and judges old,
Without their tetes and wigs appear.
In the midst a form divine,
Her dress bespeaks the Pennsylvanian line,
1 Sir John Fielding, police magistrate.
2 Coe's father, blacksmith at Cambridge.
THE BARBER. 53
Her port demure, her grave, religious face,
Attempered sweet to virgin grace.
What sylphs and spirits wanton through the air !
What crowds of little angels round her play !
Hear from thy sepulchre, great Penn ! oh hear !
A scene like this might animate thy clay.
Simplicity, now soaring as she sings,
Waves in the eye of Heaven her quaker-coloured wings.
" No more toupees are seen
That mock at Alpine height,
And queues with many a yard of riband bound,
All now are vanished quite.
No tongs or torturing pin,
But every head is trimmed quite snug around :
Like boys of the cathedral choir,
Curls, such as Adam wore, we wear,
Each simpler generation blooms more fair,
Till all that's artificial shall expire.
Vain puppy boy ! thinks't thou yon essenced cloud,
Raised by thy puff can vie with Natures hue ?
To-morrow see the variegated crowd
With ringlets shining like the morning dew.
Enough for me : with joy I see
The different dooms our fates assign ;
Be thine to love thy trade and starve ;
To wear what Heaven bestowed be mine."
He said, and headlong from the trap-stair's height
Quick through the frozen street he ran in shabby plight.
THOMAS ERSKINE.
IN CAP AND GOWN.
DR. JOWETTS GARDEN.
The following epigram was written in the year 1790, and was attri-
buted to Francis Wrangham, of Trinity Hall, afterwards Archdeacon of
Cleveland. Wrangham repudiated it, but, in conjunction with his Whig
opinions, it probably caused him to be passed over when a fellowship was
vacant. Professor Pry me says that the verses were also ascribed to Parson,
as composed extempore ; while a writer in the " Gentleman *s Magazine"
for 1792 states that they were by Mr. Horry, an American fellow-
commoner of Trinity. Joseph Jowett, LL.D., then Ttitor of Trinity
Hall, had fenced in the space next Trinity Hall Lane, between the north
and south ranges of the building, and converted it into a garden. He
afterwards turned the garden into a gravel walk, and this gave rise to
the P.S. Several versions of this epigram are extant.
A LITTLE garden little Jowett made,
And fenced it with a little palisade ;
A little taste hath little Dr. Jowett,
This little garden doth a little show it.
P.S. — Because his garden made a little talk,
He changed it to a little gravel walk.
( 55 )
ANONYMOUS VERSES AGAINST DR.
PARR,
FOUND BY CRABB ROBINSON AMONG MR. ROOFER'S MANUSCRIPT
LETTERS BELONGING TO MALONE.
Dr. Samuel Parr, the subject of this epigram, attained considerable
reputation, as a man of wit and learning, in the latter half of the eighteenth
century. Though for some time in residence at Emmanuel, he left the
University -without taking a degree, and had an honorary A.M. presented
to him in 1771. For several years he was a schoolmaster, and did not
receive his first piece of ecclesiastical preferment until 1780. In 1785 he
obtained the perpetual curacy of Hatton, which he held till his death in
1825. He was a man of bearish habits, and was seldom seen without his
tobacco-pipe.
In the portrait which hangs in the Combination Room of St. Jokn'st
Parr was originally represented with a long clay pipe in his hand ; butt
for some reason or other, the pipe was afterwards painted out.
To half of Busby's skill in mood and tense
Add Bentley's pedantry without his sense ;
Of Warburton take all the spleen you find,
And leave his genius and his wit behind ;
Squeeze Churchill's rancour from the verse it flows in,
And knead it stiff with Johnson's heavy prosing,
And all the piety of St. Voltaire :
Mix the gross compound, P'iat Dr. Parr.
56 IN CAP AND GOWN.
EPITAPH
ON A DOCTOR OF DIVINITY.
Richard Parson, perhaps the most distinguished writer of satiric verse
that Cambridge has produced, was born at East Ruston, in Norfolk, on
Christmas Day, 1759, and was the eldest son of Huggin Person, parish
clerk of that village. He was sent to Eton on the foundation in 1774,
and in 1778 entered Trinity College, Cambridge. After a brilliant
career as an -undergraduate, he was elected to a fellowship in 1782. In
1792, rather than take orders, he resigned his felloivship and took up his
abode in London. In the same year he was elected Professor of Greek.
The longer and more important of his poems which we print here are
political in intent, and were contribttted to the columns of the "Morning
Chronicle" the editor of which paper was the professor's brother-in-law.
It is true they have no reference to Cambridge, but in consideration of the
fact that they wei-e written by one of the most distinguished of Cambridge
men, and that they are not easily accessible, they are inserted here. Person,
who was exceedingly well known as a wit and genial companion both in
London and Cambridge, died, after a brief illness, on September 25, 1808.
HERE lies a Doctor of Divinity,
He was a fellow of Trinity ;
He knew as much about Divinity
As other fellows do of Trinity.
RICHARD PORSON.
C 57 )
TO DR. KIPLING.
AN IMPROMPTU COMPOSED ONE CHRISTMAS EVE IN THE COM-
BINATION ROOM OF TRINITY COLLEGE.
Dr. Thomas Kipling, of St. John 's College, was a pedantic theologian,
no less remarkable for his ignorance than for his bigotry. In Professor
Watsoris absence he used to act as deputy professor of Divinity. His
greatest literary achievement was the publication in facsimile of the Codex
Bezae, the famous manuscript of a part of the New Testament in the
University Library. The title of his work, " Codex Bezae Canta-
brigiensis," 'which can be construed to mean the " Codex of Beza, the
Cambridge man," exposed him to much ridicule ; while in his preface he
committed so many solecisms that a " Kiplingism" was long a proverbial
expression for a blunder in Latin. For Bishop Watson, see below, p. 78,
ORTHODOXY'S staunch adherent,
Bishop Watson's great vice-gerent,
Sub- Professor Dr. Kipling,
Leave off your Yorkshire trick of tippling :
For while thy Beza is in hand,
Man's salvation's at a stand.
RICHARD PORSON.
58 2N CAP AND GOWN.
THE GERMAN PROFESSORS.
I WENT to Strasburg, where I got drunk
With that most learn'd Professor Brunck :
I went to Wortz, where I got more drunken
With that more learn'd Professor Ruhnken.
RICHARD PORSON.
( 59 )
THE GERMANS TN GREEK.
In a letter from Person to Andrew Dalzel, dated September 3, 1803,
the following occurs : —
" It may perhaps divert you to insert an epigram, made by an
Etonian, a friend of mine, upon the said Herman, in imitation of
Fhocylides's saw (Strabo, x. p. 487).
Nryt'Ses eo-re /xerpoov, w Teirroi/es' ou;^ o fup os S'ov,
Dai/res, TrX^j/ "EPMANNO2- o& "EPMANNO^ a-^oSpa Te^roov.
Which I thus endeavoured to do into English —
THE Germans in Greek
Are sadly to seek ;
Not five in five score,
But ninety-five more :
All, save only HERMAN,
And HERMAN'S a German."
RICHARD PORSON.
60 IN CAP AND GOWN.
IMITATION OF HORACE.
LIP. i. OD. 14.
THE ARGUMENT.
The poet makes a voyage to Britain, in pursuance of his promise — lib.
iii. od. iv. line 33 — " Visam Britannos hospitibus feros " — " I will visit
the Britons inhospitable to strangers." The vessel in which he sailed
was called the Britannia^ whether from the place of its destination, or
from the circumstance of being built of British wood, I cannot deter-
mine ; but, I believe, for both reasons. After a tedious voyage, at last
he arrived safe at Portsmouth. — The ship was grievously shattered ; but
the Captain determined to. go out immediately, before she was well
refitted, and while the weather was very unpromising. — Several of the
crew were heard to mutter, in consequence of this proceeding ; upon
which the captain, by advice of the pilot, put them in irons. — But the
most curious incident was (if we may believe Quintilian), that Horace
was indicted for a libel, as if, under the allegory of a ship, he had
intended to paint the dangers and distresses of the commonwealth. —
Whoever peruses my version will see how groundless and absurd this
accusation was. — The reader need only keep in mind that the poet,
more safe at shore, makes this pathetic address to the vessel, in which
his life and fortune were so lately risked.
BRITANNIA, while fresh storms are brewing,
I wonder what the devil you're doing !
Put back to harbour, might and main,
Nor venture out to sea again :
Your hull's too tender long to last,
You're fain to try a jury-mast ;
IMITATION OF HORACE. 61
Your tackle's old. your timber's crazy,
The winds are high, the weather's hazy ;
Your anchor's lost, you've sprung a leak ;
Hark how the ropes and cordage creak !
A rag of canvas scarce remains ;
Your pilot idly beats his brains —
A cub that knows not stem from stern,
Too high t' obey, too proud to learn —
In vain you worry Heav'n with pray'rs ;
Think you that Heaven one farthing cares
Whether a sailor prays or swears ?
In vain you sport your threadbare joke,
And call yourself " Old Heart of Oak."
No seaman, that can box his compass,
Trusts to your daubs, or titles pompous.
Take heed, lest Boreas play the mocker,
And cry — "'Tis snug in Davy's locker."
Though while on board as sick as hell,
At shore, old girl, I wish you well.
Beware of shoals — of wind and weather,
And try to keep your planks together ;
Or else the ravenous sea will gorge
And lodge you next the Royal George.
RICHARD PORSON.
62 IN CAP AND GOWN.
IMITATION OF HORACE.
LIB. T. On. 34.
MR. EDITOR,1
Understanding that my last translation of an ode of Horace
did not displease the best judges, I have taken the liberty to send you
a second attempt, which I submit to your candour. It may seem
matter of wonder to you, as it does to me, that neither Quintilian, nor
Will Baxter, nor any other hunter of allegories, should find out the
real drift of this ode, which is so very easy to be discovered. The case,
in short, is as follows. — Augustus, in the midst of peace and tran-
quillity, felt, or feigned, an alarm, on account of some books written by
persons suspected of an attachment to the party of Cato and Brutus,
and recommending republican principles. Now, Horace, having been
a colonel in Brutus's army, and being rather too free in professing his
religious sentiments, naturally passed for an atheist and a republican
Augustus published an edict to tell his subjects how happy they all were
in spite of the suggestions of malcontents ; commanding them to sthk
close to their old religions ; and threatening, that whoever was not
active in assisting the government, should be treated as an enemy to
Church and State. Upon this occasion Horace read — or affected to
read, for I will not take my oath to his sincerity — a recantation. In
one part of the ode he says — ''Jupiter, who generally thunders and
lightens in cloudy weather, now has driven his chariot through the
serene air." This is so plain an emblem of Augustus fulminating his
censures in a time of perfect tranquillity, that it needs no further com-
ment. Our author refers to this circumstance again (carm. vii. 5) :
" Caelo tonantem credidimus govern regnare: praesens Divus habebitur
1 This letter and translation allude, with great delicacy, ingenuity,
andjfinesse, to the visionary alarm about republican principles raised at
the beginning of the present war.
IMITATION OF HORACE. 63
Augustus " — " We have believed that Jupiter reigns thundering from
heaven : Augustus shall be esteemed a present God." In another place
he expressly calls Augustus Jupiter (Epist. i. xix. 43) : "Rides, ait, et
Jovis atiribus ista servos" — "You joke," says he, "and reserve your
verses for the ear of Jove."
For all sovereigns, while they are in power, are compared to the
Sovereign of the Gods, however weak, wicked, or worthless they
may be —
Nihil est quod credere de se,
Non possit, cum laudatur Dis aeque potentas.
I must not forget to add that this edict of the Emperor was followed
with numerous addresses from large bodies of the men who were once
called Romans, allowing the reality of the plots, lamenting the decay
of piety, and promising to resist all innovation, and to defend his sacred
Caesarean Majesty with their lives and fortunes.
TILL now I held free-thinking notions,
Gave little heed to my devotions ;
Scarce went to church four times a year,
And then slept more than prayed, I fear :
But now I'm quite an altered man —
I quit the course I lately ran ;
And giving heterodoxy o'er,
Unlearn my irreligious lore.
Yet lest you entertain a doubt,
I'll tell you how it came about.
Jove seldom lets his lightnings fly,
Except when clouds obscure the sky,
As well you know ; but t'other morning,
He thundered without previous warning,
And flashed in such a perfect calm,
It gave me a religious qualm :
Nor me alone— the frightful sound
Reached to the country's utmost bound ;
And every river in the nation,
From concave shores made replication.1
1 Shakespeare's " Julius Caesar," act. i. sc. I.
64 IN CAP AND GOWN.
The brutish clods, in shape of cits,
Were almost frightened into fits.
Henceforth I bow to every altar,
And wish all infidels a halter.
I see what power your Gods can show,
Change low with high, and high with low;
Pull down the lofty from his place,
And in his stead exalt the base ;
Thus Fortune's gifts some lose, some gain,
While mortals gaze, and guess in vain.
RICHARD PORSON.
IMITATION OF HORACE.
LIB. i. OD. 27.
MR. EDITOR,
We have several translations of Horace ; but none that I
have seen appear to do the author justice. There is in Horace a grace,
a delicacy, a liveliness, a fulness of expression, and a harmony of
versification, that at once captivate the ear and the heart. I need not
explain to you how far short of these excellences our translators in
general have fallen. Having myself studied this poet with uncommon
attention, I have, with all my might, endeavoured to preserve these
qualities in my version, of which I send you the inclosed ode as a
specimen. If you judge it to have less merit than the partial parent
believes, you will still allow it, I hope, to soar above the common
flights of modern poetry. It is not heavy as lead, like Mr. ; nor
dull as ditch-water, like Anna Matilda ; nor mad as a March hare, like
our present excellent Laureat ; nor stupid but I should never make
an end, if I went on with my comparisons. If this sample takes, 1
mean to publish a translation of the whole by subscription : it will
be printed on wire-wove paper, and hot-pressed — not to exceed two
volumes quarto. A great number of engravings will be added by the
most eminent artists. The obscenities will be left out of the common
copies ; but printed separately for the use of the curious and critical
readers. The passages which have an improper political tendency
will be carefully omitted ; such as —
Sed magis
Pugnas et exactos tyrannos
Densum humeris bibit aure vulgus.
" The clustering mob is more delighted to hear of battles and the
expulsion of tyrants."
F
66 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Or that address to Fortune —
Purpurei metuunt tyranni,
Injurioso ne pede proruas
Stantem columnam ; neu populus frequens
Ad arma cessantes, ad arma
Concitet, imperiumque frangat.
" Purple tyrants dread thee, O Fortune, lest thou shouldst kick
down the standing pillar [of existing circumstances] ; lest the thronging
populace should summon the loiterers To ARMS ! TO ARMS ; — and
demolish the empire."
But these passages, thank God ! are very few, and shall be studiously
suppressed. Luckily, Horace is full of loyal effusions, which I shall
endeavour to render with spirit as well as fidelity. What, for instance,
can be more applicable than the following passage to the present
holy war ? —
Diu
Lateque victrices catervae,
Consiliis Juvenis repressae,
Sensere, quid mens rite, quid indoles
Nutrita faustis sub penetralibus
Posset, quid Augusti paternus
In pueros animus Nerones.
"The armies, so long and so far victorious, were checked by the
conduct of a young prince, and became sensible what could be done
by a mind and a disposition nurtured under an auspicious roof — what
could be achieved by the paternal affection of Augustus to his young
Neroes."
But it is time to release you from this tedious preface, and give you
my specimen. — Why, thus it runs, then —
FYE, friends ! were glasses made for fighting,
And not your hearts and heads to lighten ?
Quit, quit, for shame, the savage fashion,
Nor fall in such a bloody passion.
" Pistols and ball for six ! " what sport !
How distant from — " Fresh lights and Port ! "
Get rid of this ungodly rancour :
And bring your — elbows to an anchor.
IMITATION OF HORACE. 67
Why, though your stuff is plaguy heady,
I'll try to hold one bumper steady,
Let Ned but say, what wench's eyes
Gave him the wound, of Which he dies.
You won't ? — then, damme if I drink !
A proper question this to blink !
Come, come ; for whomsoe'er you feel
Those pains, you always sin genteel.
And were your girl the dirtiest drab —
(You know I never was a blab)
Out with it ; whisper soft and low ; —
What ! is it she ? The filthy frow !
You've got a roaring sea to tame,
Boy, worthy of a better flame !
What Lapland witch, what cunning man,
Can free you from this harridan ?
St. George himself who slew the dragon
Would idly waste himself this hag on.
RICHARD PORSON.
68 IN CAP AND GOWN.
HYMN TO THE CREATOR.
BY A NEW-MADE PEER.
To THE EDITOR OF THE "MORNING CHRONICLE."
'O TOV KpaTL&TOV Trot TIocret8a)i/os ®eou
Xcupe K 'A(£/>o8irr7S.
"AAAoi /X€V V) fJLCLKpaV JJLaX* OLTT^OVCTLV ®€CH,
*H OVK e^ovonv wra,
"H OVK ctortv, f] ov Trpoa-^ovcnv rffuv ov8e ei/,
^e Se 7rapbv6* opco/xev,
Ou ^vXti/ov ovSe Xt^t^ov, olAA.'
Eu^o/xecr^a ST^ o^ot,
IIpcoTOV /xev etprjvrjv Troirjcrov,
Kvptos yap .ct crv.
ATHENAEUS, vi. p. 253. D.
SIR,
We were discoursing the other day on the fashion once so
prevalent in Rome of deifying those benefactors of mankind, the
Emperors. A person in company observed, that it was not original, or
peculiar to Rome j that many instances of it might be found in the
Greek history ; at the same time he mentioned Alexander the Great
and Demetrius Poliorceta. The latter example not being quite so well
known as the other, he informed us that the Athenians, besides paying
other compliments to Demetrius, sang an hymn to him at his entrance
to Athens, from which this gentleman repeated the verses above quoted.
Being requested by the unlearned part of the company to explain the
verses, he gave the following translation : " Hail, O son of the most
powerful God Neptune, and of Venus 1 "
HYMN TO THE CREATOR. 6>
(N.B. — " Son of Neptune," in poetry, we know, signifies a king with
a mighty naval power, and " Son of Venus " denotes that air of grace
and dignity mixed, which is inseparable from royalty.)
" For all other gods are either at a great distance from us, or have
no ears, or exist not at all, or pay not the least attention to us : but
thee we behold a present Deity, made neither of wood nor of stone,,
but a real God. We therefore pray thee, first of all, to give peace in
our time, O dearest ; because thou only fightest for us."
Another observed that there was something in the general spirit of
this address extremely like a late composition that had been much
handed about in manuscript. The poem was read, of which I send you
a copy, if it can be of any use to your paper. We all agreed, however,
that the author had, with great judgment, avoided the pacific conclusion
of the Greek verses, which shows that the Athenians were sorry cravens
in comparison, with true British Hearts of Oak.
T. STERNHOLD.
HAIL, gracious Sire ! to thee belong
My morning pray'r, my evensong ;
My heart and soul are thine :
Inspire me, while I chaunt thy praise,
In zealous, tho' in feeble lays —
And show thy power divine !
Late, while I lay a senseless mass,
As dull as peasant, ox, or ass,
Unworthy note and name,
Methought thy fiat reached my ear—
" Let Mr. SCRUB be made a peer 1 "
And Scrub a peer became.
Of such a change in Nature's laws
What pow'r could be th' efficient cause^.
Inferior to a God ?
All public virtue, private worth,
Conspicuous talents, splendid birth,.
Attend the sovereign's nod.1
1 In Latin, nujnen.
70 2N CAP AND GOWN'.
I'm now a Member of that Court
That settles, in the last resort,
The business of the nation ;
Where, since I'm kicked upstairs by thee,
I'll clearly prove my pedigree
As old as the creation^
But not omnipotence alone
Adorns the owner of the throne,
His attributes pass counting :
Of justice, when he hangs poor knaves,
Of mercy, when rich rogues he saves,
He's rightly called the fountain.
In part of payment for thy favours,
I tender thee my best endeavours,
If haply thou shalt need 'em ;
Nor shall I grudge thy shirt to air,
For all the bed-room Lords declare
Thy service perfect freedom.
The Devils of old, as Milton sings,
Were angry with the King of Kings,
And thought he'd reigned too long :
Of late the herd of Gallic swine
Dar'd to deny the right Divine
Of Kings to govern wrong.
" Go," said the Lord, " my son, pursue
This factious, diabolic crew,
And on them pour my ire :
1 " Clown. You were best say these robes are not gentlemen born.
Give me the lie, do ; and try whether I am not now a gentleman born.
Autolycus. I know you are now, sir, a gentleman born.
Clown. Ay, and have been so any time these four hours." —
•' Winter's Tale," act. v. sc. 2.
HYMN TO THE CREATOR. 71
In hell, then, let them count their gains,
There dwell in adamantine chains,
And roast in penal fire ! "
So didst thou send thy chosen son,
With sword and bayonet and gun,
French Atheism up to root ;
He fought, he beat, the rebels fell ;
He sent their armies all to hell^-
Or tried at least to do't
Yield never to such fiends accursed ;
Fight on, and bid them do their worst,
And if thy Commons still
Shall vote thee cash, to subsidize
Our trusty, firm, sincere allies,
We'll not reject the bill.
These truths, when first we rise to speak,
With voice irresolute and weak,
As is the mode, we utter ;
But, in the progress of th' oration,
Enflairied with lordlike indignation
At Jacobins I sputter : —
" My Luds, you've heard a noble Lud
Wisely advise to shed more blood ;
For who that wears a star,
While honour in this house survives,
Values a rush plebeian lives ?
I therefore vote for war.
" What, leave Religion in the lurch !
NO : — sink our commerce — save the Church,
Nor spare men, money, nor ship.
72 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Fresh millions after millions fling — •
For if we lose our Church and King,
What will be left to worship ?
" My Luds, the reverend Peers in lawn
Have laid their precious souls in pawn
Upon the war's success.
These wizards know a curious spell,
Which, rightly used, will Heaven compel
The British arms to bless.
" Let every soul forbear to treat
His hungry maw with drink or meat,
On We'n'sday next till e'en ;
The grumbling of our famish'd inwards
(So 'tis decreed by holy Synods)
Cures God Almighty's spleen."
But I digress — whoever wishes l
To share the treat of loaves and fishes
The courtier's faith must cherish ;
Which faith, unless each mother's child
Keep pure and whole, and undefiled,,
He shall most surely perish 1
All epithets of God to thee
Belong in th' infinite degree,
Just, powerful, good and wise;
And, what behoved me first to sing,
As God's eternal, so the King J
Of England never dies.
1 Quicunque vult.
HYMN' TO THE CREATOR. 73
Then hymn his praise, ye chosen few,
Whom he vouchsafes a nearer view
Of his effulgent glory ;
Avaunt, ye Whigs ! no peace expect,
For none is numbered with th' Elect,
Except an arrant Tory.
This faith like Vicar erst of Bray
I'll hold until my dying day
And persevere steadfast in ;
And whoso dare gainsay or scoff
The smallest particle thereof,
Be damned to everlasting.
ATHANASII SYMBOLUS.
(RICHARD PORSON.)
74 /Ar CAP AND GOWN.
ON THE POPULAR PLAY OF PIZARRO.
Sheridan's adaptation of Kotzebue's stilted tragedy, "Die Spanien in
Pent," was produced at Drury Lane on May 24, 1799. 2t ran for
thirty-one nights in its first season, and the king went to see it, though
he had not been to Drury Lane for some years. Jt was admirably acted
by Mrs. Siddons and her brother, but its success was mainly occasioned
by the audience applying the passages referring to the woes of Montezuma
to George III. and his supposed ill-treatment. The poem appeared in
the " Morning Chronicle," over the signature " Brogue"
As I walked through the Strand so careless and gay,
I met a young girl who was wheeling a barrow :
"Choice fruit, Sir," said she — "and a bill of the play;"
So my apples I bought, and set off for Pizarro.
When I got to the door I was squeez'd, and cried, " Dear
me,
I wonder they made the entrance so narrow ! "
At last I got in, and found every one near me
Was busily talking of Mr. Pizarro.
Lo ! the hero appears — (what a strut and a stride !)
He might easily pass for a marshal Suwarrow !
And Elvira so tall, neither virgin nor bride —
The loving companion of gallant Pizarro.
OAr THE POPULAR PLAY OF PIZARRO. 7$
But Elvira, alas ! turn'd so dull and so prosy
That I longed for a hornpipe by little Del Caro :
Had I been 'mong the gods I had surely cried, " Nosy,
" Come, play up a jig ; and a fig for Pizarro ! "
On his wife and his child his affection to pay,
Alonzo stood gazing, and straight as an arrow :
Of him I have only this little to say —
His boots were much neater than those of Pizarro.
Then the priestess and virgins, in robes white and flowing,
Walked solemnly on — like a sow and her farrow,
And politely inform'd. the whole house they were going
To entreat Heaven's curses on noble Pizarro.
Then at it they went. How they made us all stare ! —
One growl'd like a bear, and one chirp'd like a sparrow :
I listen'd ; but all I could learn, I declare,
Was, that vengeance would certainly fall on Pizarro.
Rolla made a fine speech with much logic and grammar,
As must sure rouse the envy of Counsellor Garrow —
It would sell for five pounds, were it brought to the hammer ;
.For it rais'd all Peru against valiant Pizarro.
Four acts are tol-lol — but the fifth's my delight,
'Where hist'ry's traced with the pen of a Varro;
And Elvira in black and Alonzo in white,
Put an end to the piece by killing Pizarro.
I have finished my song; if it had but a tune
(Nancy Dawson won't do, nor the Sweet Banks of Yarrow)
I vow I would sing it from morning till noon —
So much am I charmed with the play of Pizarro.
BROGUE.
(RICHARD PORSON.)
76 IN CAP AND GOWN.
ON DR. DOUGLAS MARRIAGE WITH MISS
MAINWARING.
William Lort Mansel (1752-1820) entered Trinity College in
graduated as B.A. in 1774. In 1788 he was appointed Public Orator of
the University, in 1798 Master of Trinity, and in 1808 Bishop of Bristol.
However, he never resided in his diocese, and continued to make Trinity
Lodge his home until his death. In the early part of his career he gained
an immense reputation as a writer of epigrams, and never lost his quickness
of repartee. In a scurrilous poem written in 1.793, and called " An
Irregular Hymn in Praise of the Illustrious Twenty-Seven" Mansel is
referred to as a "dead-hand at a dark lampoon" At a time when the
Heads of Houses led a jealously exclusive life, Bishop Mansel was genial
and affable, and when a dance was improvised at the Lodge would himself
turn an organ. This affability, said the envious, was dtie to the fact that
he had three marriageable dattghters. The next six pieces are from his
hand.
Philip Douglas entered Corpiis Christi College in 1776, and tvok the
degrees of B.A. , M^A., and D.D., respectively, in 1781, 1784, and 1795.
/;/ 1795 he was elected master of his college. Miss Maimvaring was
the daughter of the Lady Margaret Professor of Theology. It is curious
to notice how completely the title " Bene't College" has died out. It is
said to have come into use as early as the fourteenth century, Corpus
Christi College being in the parish of St. Bene't, and using the parish
church as its chapel. The name lasted until about sixty years ago, when
the correct name of the college came once more into general tise.
ST. PAUL has declared that persons though twain,
In marriage united one flesh shall remain ;
DR. DOUGLAS? MARRIAGE. 77
But, had he been by when, like Pharaoh's kine pairing,
Dr. Douglas of Bene't espoused Miss Mainwaring,
The Apostle no doubt would have altered his tone,
And cried, " these two splinters shall make but one bone."
W. L. MANSEL.
78 IN CAP AND GOWN.
THE RIVAL BISHOPS.
Bishop Watson built a house on the west side of St. Andrew's Street,
which is still known as Llandaff House. It was built on the site of an
inn called the " Bishop Blaise," and these facts were commemorated in
an epigram by W. L. Manse/. Richard Watson, of Trinity College,
was Second Wrangler in 1759, and shortly afterwards became Tutor
of Trinity and Professor of Chemistry. The Regius Professorship of
Divinity falling vacant in 1771, Watson, although, as he acknowledges
himself, "with this curta supellex in theology to take possession of the first
professional chair in Europe seemed too daring an attempt even for my
intrepidity '," obtained it. If we may judge from his own ingenuous "Anec-
dotes," Watson was an admirable man of business, and he particularly
plumed himself on the fact that although he "found the Professorship not
worth ^330 a year," he left it "worth ^1000 at the least." He appointed
Kipling, and afterwards Ramsden, his depttty in the Professorship, and
although he was thirty -four years Bishop of Llandaff, he is said never to
have visited his diocese. Professor Pryme says he had thirteen pieces of
preferment, and did not live within a hundred miles of any of them.
Two of a trade can ne'er agree —
No proverb can be juster ;
They've ta'en down Bishop Blaise, you see,
And put up Bishop Bluster.
W. L. HANSEL.
C 79 >
ON SPRA Y,
A WRETCHEDLY BAD SINGING-MAN IN TRINITY COLLEGE CHAPEL,
APPOINTED BY JOHN HlNCHCLIFFE, MASTER 1768-89, AND
BISHOP OF PETERBOROUGH, BECAUSE HE HAD A VOTE FOR
THE COUNTY OF NORTHAMPTON.
A SINGER and not sing !
How justify your patron's bounty ?
Excuse me — you mistake the thing :
My voice is in another county.
W. L. MANSEL.
8o IN CAP AND GOWN.
HELUS HOLIDAY.
Henry Gordon, butler to Trinity College, served the fellows' table with
such execrable wine, that the junior fellows exerted themselves to get him
removed. The seniors with great reluctance consented, and he was dis-
missed; but before long contrived to get himself back into his old place
again. Bishop Mansel then wrote the following lines. They were given
to me by Mr. J. W. Clark, to whom they were repeated by the Rev. A'.
Allott (B.A. 1805), one of the senior Fellows of Trinity College.
WHEN news was brought down to the sulphurous lake
That old Harry was whitewashed again and restored ;
The Devils huzzaed, and got drunk for his sake,
And brimstone and brandy were pushed round the board.
Old Satan himself, in a voice that shook Hell,
In a rapture of congratulation to all,
Cried, " Courage, my lads ! since things turn out so well,
I've hopes now myself of recovering my fall.
" But come, — on base bumpers we've trifled too long,
A liquor congenial our revels require :
A liquor dark, turbulent, heady and strong,
With a twang of our Styx, and our Phlegethon's fire.
"Such a ferment I've by me— behold the dark juice ;
It will burn thro' our ichor, new madden our veins :
Tho' poison to mortals, it's cordial to us :
To the children of sorrow damnation and pains.
HELVS HOLIDAY. 81
" Behold the full hamper, in yon dusky cell :
There's a liquor congenial to these dark abodes,
A liquor well suiting the genius of Hell,
As distant from nectar as we are from Gods."
So they opened the store : it was Harry's own wine.
The Devils drank deeply : grew raving, and swore
That tho' used to the stench of flames, brimstone, and brine,
They had ne'er tasted liquor so hellish before.
W. L. MANSEL.
32 2N CAP AND GOWN.
"LAUGH AND BE FAT"
The following is an extract from a letter from W. L. Mansel to
Mathias (author of "Runic Odes, imitated from the Norse Tongue, in
the manner of Mr. Gray" and of the "Pursuits of Literature"), dated
October 12, 1782.
" You have heard of our Emmanuel Jubilee, no doubt. All I can say is,
that I was not invited ; so do not ask me any particulars thereof. One
circumstance, however, is droll enough. During the very midst of the
celebration of the jubilee, that is, while they were at the noon of eating,
proposals were circulated round the table for having an engraving of the
Master (Dr. Richard Farmer] struck off as soon as possible. That cir-
cumstance gave rise to the following little waggery."
From 1775 t° *797 Richard Farmer was Master of Emmanuel
College. He had a great reputation for geniality, and the hospitalities
of Emmanuel parlour were justly celebrated. As a conversationalist he
had scarcely a rival in Cambridge ; and when Pitt came to visit his
constituents, Farmer's presence was considered indispensable. He belonged
to what Dr. Barnes called the "Shakespeare gang," and never failed to
be present at the performances at the Stourbridge Theatre.
Stevens, referred to in line 17, is the celebrated scholar and editor of
Shakespeare's works.
Ax feasts of yore, the sumptuous lord,
To please the pamper'd guest,
Plac'd drolls and antics at his board,
Whose business was to jest.
Farmer, of antiquarian flower,
At Mildmay's x late repast,
1 Sir Walter Mildmay was the founder of Emmanuel College,
A.D. 1584,
" LAUGH AND BE FAT." 83
To cheer the hospitable hour,
Renew'd the good ol'd taste.
To make men laugh as well as eat,
The merry master knew,
Was doubling the luxurious treat
And heartier welcome too.
As to the eating part, of that
Good plenty was at hand ;
Twelve bucks in larder, firm and fat
From good Lord Westmoreland.
Melons and pines from Stevens came,
(Stevens himself a feast !)
Huge hampers of outlandish game,
And turtles ready drest.
To crown the whole with one good laugh,
The master, merry elf,
Hands round proposals to engrave
A likeness of — himself.
W. L. MANSEL.
84 IN CAP AND GOWN.
THE CAMBRIDGE COMMENCEMENT.
The Public Commencement was held in Great St. Mary's Church, until
the completion of the Senate House in 1730. It corresponded to the
Oxford Commemoration. Sometimes on the occasion of the commencement
a speech, called a music speech, in which a good deal of licence was
allowed, was delivered. But this was not the invariable custom. This
poem is printed in Barker's " Anecdotes" ii. 39. A " pensioner" is one
who paid a " pensio," or rent, for rooms in college. He does not differ
from the Oxford commoner. Dr. Randall was Professor of Music from
1755 to 1799. For an explanation of sizar, see p. 108.
A CAMBRIDGE Commencement's the time
When gentlemen come for degrees ;
And with wild-looking cousins and wives
Through a smart mob of Pensioners squeeze.
The music, that plays in the church,
Attracts them, though boiling the weather ;
Like the good folks by Orpheus of old,
Who sat list'ning and steaming together.
Dr. Randal stuck up in the front
(With the gay London fiddlers behind)
Like a fine paper-punch, pulled by strings,
Throws his arms and his legs to the wind.
THE CAMBRIDGE COMMENCEMENT.
The pretty town misses have each
Some Sizar their humble beholder,
While the nymphs of the Lodge think there's nought
Like a bit of gold lace on the shoulder.
O'er the poor country curate that's near,
How their eyes (in fine language called " killers ")
They carelessly glance, till they rest
On the silk gown and long nose of Villiers !
But now to the Senate in troops
They perspiring and panting repair,
Where the good lady President sits,
Like a lobster that's boil'd, in a chair.
And there the gruff doctor of physic,
And the dark little father of law,
Stretch their hands o'er their children, and there,
Divinity's Lion his paw.
With kisses, with rings, and with hugs,
The old gentlemen treat one another,
Till by magic of hugs they become
From a son in a moment a brother.
W. L. MANSEL.
86 IN CAP AND GOWN.
ONE HUNDRED GUINEAS REWARD.
On. the $th of March , 1793, many of the young trees in the fellows'
garden at St. John's College were destroyed, and much damage done to the
bridges and walks. This being a capital crime under the Black Act,
Geo. /. c. 22, the culprits -were advertised for, and a hundred guineas
offered for their apprehension. Whereupon Francis Wrangham, of
Trinity Hall, wrote the following, which is here printed for the first
time from a manuscript in the important collection of University papers
bequeathed to the Library by William Webb, D.D., Master of Clare Hall
1815-1856.
WHEN Brunswick's proud duke, in his errand to France,
Led the Austrians and Prussians and Russians a dance,
He thought to win over the stout sans-culottes
By kindly engaging to cut all their throats ;
So the Johnians their bridges most wickedly mangled,
And delicate sucklings atrociously strangled,
Invite the sly culprit who did the Black Act
To swing on a gallows by owning the fact.
FRANCIS WRANGHAM.
MAPS.
"Maps " was a Cambridge bookseller, who was justly celebrated at the
end of the last century. He originally had an open stall in the street ',
but this he exchanged for a shop in Trumpington Street, on the site now
occupied by the screen of Kings ; he afterwards moved to Trinity Street.
He was a most industrious man, and was to be seen every day going from
room to room with a load of books, and shotting " Maps I " to herald
his arrival. He is said to have died in the year 1796, and was siic-
ceeded in his business by his son, who gave up the name of Maps for the
more prosaic appellation "Nicholson." His portrait was placed in
the University Library, at the suggestion of Dr. Farmer. He was the
subject of the Tripos verses for 1781. The lines we quote below can
pretend to no sort of literary merit ; but they are interesting^ as they recall
to mind one of the eccentric characters of the last centurv*
MOITTS avrov KaAeovcri 0eoi, ai/Spes Se
SNOBS call him Nicholson ! Plebeian name,
Which ne'er would hand a Snobite down to fame ;
But to posterity he'll go, — perhaps
Since Granta's classic sons have dubbed him Maps.
CAP AND GOWN.
" TO THE SCHOLLERS OF SAINCT JOHN
HIS COLLEGE?
The following appeared in the " Gentleman's Magazine" for 1796.
An attempted explanation of the expression ' ' Johnian Swine " will be
found in the Introduction.
Chelsea, January 3.
MR. URBAN,
Perusing a very old and, I believe, also a very scarce little
book of epigrams, written by one Master James Johnstone, clerk,
printed anno 1613, I, the other day, found the following jeu a? esprit
against the Cambridge Johnian hogs. If you approve of its insertion,
your university readers may perhaps be pleased with perceiving your
judicious correspondent W. Williams's assertion corroborated with
regard to the antiquity of the appellation.
ANTHONY Hus.
YE Johnishe men, that have no other care,
Save onelie for such foode as ye prepare,
To gorge your foule polluted trunks withall ;
Meere SWINE ye bee, and such your actyons all ;
Like themme ye runne, such be youre leaden pace,
Nor soule, nor reasonne, shynethe in your face.
C 89
ODE ON A COLLEGE FEAST-DA Y.
The following ode is reprinted from the " Spirit of the Public
Journals" (1799). In every college Commemoration Day, on which
prayers and thanks are offered to the pious founders and benefactors,
concludes with a " feast " in Hall. The term " gyp" to denote a college
servant, is said to be derived from yty, a vulture.
HARK ! heard ye not yon footsteps dread,
That shook the hall, with thund'ring tread ?
With eager haste
The Fellows pass'd ;
Each, intent on direful work,
High lifts his mighty blade, and points his deadly fork.
ii.
But hark ! the portals sound, and pacing forth,
With steps, alas, too slow,
The College Gyps, of high illustrious worth,
With all the dishes, in long order go :
In the midst a form divine
Appears, the fam'd Sirloin ;
And soon, with plums and glory crown'd,
Almighty pudding sheds its sweets around.
Heard ye the din of dinner bray ?
Knife to fork, and fork to knife ;
Unnumber'd heroes in the glorious strife,
Thro' fish, flesh, pies and puddings, cut their destin'd way.
90 IN CAP AND GOWN.
III.
See, beneath the mighty blade,
Gor'd with many a ghastly wound,
Low the fam'd sirloin is laid,
And sinks in many a gulph profound.
Arise, arise, ye sons of glory !
Pies and puddings stand before ye.
See the ghost of hungry bellies
Point at yonder stand of jellies ;
While such dainties are beside ye,
Snatch the goods the gods provide ye ;
Mighty rulers of the state,
Snatch before it is too late ;
For, swift as thought, the puddings, jellies, pies,
Contract their giant bulk, and shrink to pigmy size.
IV.
From the table now retreating,
All around the fire they meet,
And, with wine, the sons of eating '
Crown at length their mighty treat.
Triumphant Plenty's rosy graces
Sparkle in their jolly faces ;
And mirth and cheerfulness is seen
In each countenance serene.
Fill high the sparkling glass
And drink th' accustomed toast ;
Drink deep, ye mighty host,
And let the bottle pass.
Begin, begin the jovial strain ;
Fill, fill the mystic bowl,
And drink, and drink, and drink again ;
For drinking fires the soul.
ODE ON A COLLEGE FEAST-DAY. 91
But soon, too soon, with one accord they reel;
Bach on his seat begins to nod ;
All-conquering Bacchus' pow'r they feel,
And pour libations to the jolly god.
At length, with dinner and with wine oppress'd,
Down in their chairs they sink and give themselves to rest.
92 /A CAP AND GOWN.
A BACCHANALIAN SONG.
The following song appeared in the " Morning Chronicle" in 1800,
and may be from the hand of Person, of 'whom , with the exception of the
last verse, if is by no means unworthy.
I.
COME, ye good college lads, and attend to my lays,
I'll show you the folly of poring o'er books ;
For all you get by it is mere empty praise,
Or a poor meagre fellowship and sallow looks.
Chorus.
Then lay by your books, lads, and never repine ;
And cram not your attics
With dry mathematics,
But moisten your clay with a bumper of wine !
ii.
The first of mechanics was old Archimedes
Who played with Rome's ships as he'd play cup-and-ball ;
To play the same game, I can't see where the need is —
Or why we should fag mathematics at all !
Chorus — Then lay by your books, lads, etc.
A BACCHANALIAN SONG. 93
III.
Great Newton found out the Binomial Law,
To raise oc-\-y to the power of b ;
Found the distance of planets that he never saw,
And what we most probably never shall see.
Chorus — Then lay by your books, lads, etc.
IV.
Let Whiston and Ditton star-gazing enjoy,
And taste all the sweets mathematics can give ;
Let us for our time find. a better employ —
And knowing life's sweets let us learn how to live.
Chorus — Then lay by your books, lads, etc.
These men ex dbsurdo conclusions may draw ;
Perpetual motion they never could find :
Not one of the set, lads, could balance a straw —
And longitude-seeking is hunting the wind.
Chorus — Then lay by your books, lads, etc.
VI.
If we study at all, let us study the means
To make ourselves friends, and keep them when made ;
Learn to value the blessings kind Heaven ordains —
To make other men happy, let that be our trade.
Chorus.
Let each day be better than each day before ;
Without pain or sorrow
To-day or to-morrow,
May we live, my good lads, to see many days more !
94 IN CAP AND GOWN.
ON E. D. CLARKE.
Edward Daniel Clarke, fellow and tutor of Jesus College, took his B.A.
degree in 1790, and that of M.A. in 1794. While an undergraduate he
failed to distinguish himself, and it was only after several years had been
spent \by him as a travelling tutor that the powers of his mind became
recognized. Between 1799 and 1802 he travelled through Scandinavia,
Russia, Greece, and Palestine, and returned to Cambridge with an
immense reputation and a vast collection of plants, manuscripts, minerals,
and statues, among which was the so-called Ceres, referred to in the
epigram on p. 98. In 1808 he was made Professor of Mineralogy, and
became at once the most popular of lecturers. Though those among his
listeners who had studied the subject often found him tripping, his enthu-
siasm and eloquence placed him out of the reach of criticism. He was
never a profound scholar or an accurate observer, but he had an ardour
for miscellaneous knowledge'. which amounted to "literary heroism," and
a faculty for being interested in all topics which, though dangerous, was
at least fascinating. On one occasion he purchased and exhibited at the
University Library a picture, which he asserted to be a portrait of Shake-
speare, but which connoisseurs at once decided to be a forgery. On another
occasion he constructed, out of the bones of mice and rats which he found
at the bottom of a well, an animal which he said was a " Jerboa mouse"
but which never existed outside his imagination. The folloiving lines
sufficiently hit off his brilliant style of lecturing and his schoolboy
passion for any odds and ends which could be denominated " curiosities."
They are frequently attributed to William Smyth, of Peterhouse, who
from 1807 to 1849 was Professor of Modern History. They are printed
here from a manuscript in the possession of Mr. J. W. Clark.
Of the statue of Ceres referred to in the ninth stanza, something is said
in the next poem. The * ' Corps " was a volunteer corps, consisting oj
•members of the University, which was established in Cambridge in 1802,
in consequence of the scare caused by the French war. Captain Bircham,
of the 30/7* Foot, was appointed to drill it. Clarke displayed much
enthusiasm in organizing the Jesus contingent.
ON E. D. CLARKE. 95
I SING of a Tutor renowned,
Who went roving and raving for knowledge,
And gathered it all the world round,
And brought it in boxes to College.
And because Mathematics was clear,—
Too clear for our Metaphysicians — -
Introduced Dr. Gall, as I hear,
To enlighten his Academicians.
Tol de rol, etc.
His pupils flocked eagerly round
When they heard there was nothing to. bore 'em,
But guess their surprise when they found
A lot of old skulls placed before 'em !
Astonished, confused, and perplext,
They stared at their lecturer able,
And the Freshmen expected that next
Old Nick would pop up through the table.
"Come round me, Sophs, Freshmen, and all,"
Cried the Doctor, and sprang from his chair ;
" You shall hear of the wonderful Gall,
And of skulls and their mysteries rare.
Of Thought, how it comes and it goes,
And of Life in the marrow descending ;
And I'll tell you what nobody knows,
And you'll see me begin at the ending.
" First there's life that must fashion and warm,
And when figure and form have begun,
The skull is the seat of the charm ;
'Tis there you must look for the fun.
And you've only to peep in the brain
Just to see how it bumps and it bends ;
And when the whole matter is plain,
Why — 'tis plain the whole mystery ends.
96 IN CAP AND GOWN.
" Observe now this skull I pick out ;
'Tis hard ; see how slowly it moulders ;
And hence I conclude without doubt
'Twas on some Fellow Commoner's shoulders.
And this, by the lines on the face,
Belonged to some famed Rhetorician ;
And this, by this little soft place,
Was the head of a Metaphysician."
Then he talked in a capital strain
Of the Lion, the Bear, and the Fox,
Of Parrots with musical brain,
And of men with mechanical blocks ;
That the Organ of Courage was clear
To the test of an Investigation ;
And he talked till his pupils looked queer,
Of an organ of assassination.
Next he showed how the Organ of Thought
Was developed, as easy as may be ;
How Man to perfection was brought
By tinkering the nob of the Baby.
The Doctor grew more and more able,
And his eloquence clearer and clearer,
Till he knocked round the skulls on the table,
And knocked up the skull of each hearer.
But alas ! while the Doctor was prosing
Of Brains, and their wonderful parts,
In entered a German imposing
To sell him a lump of Red Quartz.
Red Quartz ! There was no standing that ;
Besides, he had within a gander
Which he swore had grown jolly and fat
At the tomb of the Great Alexander.
ON E. D. CLARKE. 97
And Flaxman was now at the door
To talk of the Ceres divine,
And Bircham to settle the corps,
And Caldwell to sell him bad wine.
In the court were five Lions from town,
And a message came hot from the master,
So that round about up-stairs and down
The plot thickened faster and faster.
" Oh me ! " cried poor Clarke in a stew,
And to lecture no longer was able.
Off, whizz ! like a rocket he flew,
Overturning the skulls and the table.
And he cried in a whiff as, he went
That now nothing was more expedient,
That in short they all knew what he meant,
And that now he must be their obedient.
So huzza for all Tutors and Lectures
And our able promoters of knowledge,
And the rest of our learned protectors,
Not forgetting the Cooks of the College.
And long may a Tutor be found
To explain Dr. Gall's lucubrations,
And his humbugging system profound
Of prancing and proud botherations.
WILLIAM SMYTH (Professor of History).
98 IN CAP AND GOWN.
EPIGRAM.
THE STATUE OF CERES SPEAKS.
The following epigram, reprinted from Professor Prymis " Recotte<-
tions," was written on the statue of Ceres ; which E. D. Clarke, of
Jesus, brought from Eleusis, and confidently asserted to be " the known
work of Pheidias and the gift of Pericles." Of this work, which is now
generally acknowledged to be a Cistophorus, not a Ceres, the entire face is
worn away. James Lambert, the author of the epigram, was Tenth
Wrangler and Senior Medallist in 1764. From 1771 to 1780 he was
Professor of Greek. He was one of the few senior fellows of Trinity
whose moral character escapes condemnation in Gunnings " Remini-
scences. "
NAY, flout not, girls ; 'tis not more strange than true,
I once was lovely and admired as you.
Transported now to Beauty's happier shore,
I feel abashed, and show my face no more.
JAMES LAMBERT.
C 99 )
THE SOCIETY OF MATHEMATICIANS.
This paper on the Society of Mathematicians appeared in a periodical
called the " Galvanist," which was published in Cambridge in the year
1804. It -was conducted chiefly by small college men, the principal con-
tributor being William Downing Whittington, of Pembroke Hall. The
editor called himself " Hydra Pdycephalus, Esq." and justified the title
of the " Galvanist" by stating that the purpose of his periodical was "by
forming the basis of conversation, at length, by a Promethean touch, to
shoot life through the university at large. " The specimen of the magazine
which we print here was written by R. Morritt, of St. Catharine's Hall.
" Curvo dignoscere rectum."
HOR., Epist. ii.
To HYDRA POLYCEPHALUS, ESQ.
SIR,
Impressed with the liveliest sentiments of admi-
ration, permit me most humbly to address you. I am
Secretary to an Undergraduate Society of Mathematicians,
which office I recently gained, after a long, but interesting
examination ; by throwing a few of the first definitions of
Euclid into verse.1 I understand that you are of a benevolent
disposition, and therefore conclude, you will never shrink
1 N.B. — I alluded to the success my Poetry had met with, permit me
to enclose a specimen :
A point no parts, or magnitude can boast ;
A line all claim to depth, and breadth has lost !
When straight, where'er protracted it is seen,
It still lies evenly its points between.
ioo IN CAP AND GOWN.
from, or decline any situation, where your exertions will be
essentially useful to any of your fellow-creatures. Indeed,
should you lend a favourable ear to this petition, you will
render the Society, on whose behalf I have the honour to
address you, a most important service.
Finding, Sir, no one among us worthy of being elected
President, we humbly beseech you to accept the vacant
chair. Two weighty reasons determined our choice ; — first,
the facility your number of heads must afford you of solving
Problems ; and secondly, the quantity of tea, which, in a
given time, you must be able to imbibe. These are perfec-
tions, which no one, but yourself, possesses, by the aid of
which, I doubt not, at the expiration of three years, to see
elevated to the grand pre-eminence of Incomparabilis.
We have, Sir, hastily thrown together a few rules and
regulations, which, should they not coincide with your ideas,
we shall be very happy to correct.
At a general meeting of the members of the Under-
graduate Mathematicians, the following resolutions were
unanimously agreed to.
Resolved —
I. That no beverage be allowed but tea, excepting on our Anniver-
sary, when coffee will be added ; it being our fixed and unalterable
opinion, that these, properly speaking, are the only exhilarating
liquors.
Resolved —
II. That each Member wear, on the days of assembly, a coat at least
3 years old, adorned with white metal buttons having the letters
Q.E.D. engraved on them, as that is ultimately the Focus to which all
our labours converge.
Resolved —
III. If it can be clearly demonstrated, that any Member has his
coat made in Bond -street, he shall be immediately considered an
evanescent quantity, and no longer accounted a member of our body.
Resolved —
IV. Any Member, who shall be seen too frequently disguised in
THE SOCIETY OF MATHEMATICIANS. 101
clean linen, shall, for each separate offence, be prohibited the use of
scribbling paper for one week.
Resolved —
V. That we shall be called the circle .of mathematicians of which
all the Members are equal radii, and the President the Periphery ; it
being his office to circumscribe, and keep within due bounds, the other
Members.
Resolved —
VI. That the Members shall be called, A. B. C., etc., beginning from
the right hand of the Chair ; the President always remaining P. for
reasons specified in regulation the 5th.
Resolved —
VII. That the Armorial Bearing be, on a field argent, Proposition
the 47 of the ist book of Euclid rampant.
Resolved —
VIII. That no Member shall be excused attendance, unless it can be
clearly proved, that he is actually engaged in scholastic avocations.
Resolved —
IX. That the Secretary do submit the above to Mr. Hydra Poly-
cephalus for his inspection, humbly beseeching him to accept the vacant
chair, and to receive us under his protection.
Should our good stars so befriend us, as to enroll us
beneath your banner ; should we be so favoured, as to be
placed under the same vinculum with you ; I, Sir, together
with my brethren, should consider it, as the greatest blessing
in our existence. What a satisfaction will it be, what an
infinite series of delight, to pore over your problems, to
attend your solutions, and to attempt to imitate, as far as
lies in our power, that luddus ordo, which doubtless must
diverge from the author of the Galvanist.
I am, Sir, with every sentiment of esteem and respect,
Your most obedient
X. SECRETARY.
An unknown, though if you please, a constant quantity.
102 IN CAP AND GOWN.
DEDICA TION.
"Phaebe fave, novus ingreditur tua templa sacerdos."
This bitterly satiric dedication to Mansel,for whom see above, p. 76,
is taken from " A Few Verses, English and Latin" %vo, London, 1812.
They were written by Edward Smedley, M.A., of Trinity College,
B.A. 1809. He was afterwards elected to a fellowship at Sidney College,
and died young.
HAIL ! arbiters profound of knowledge,
All-sapient autocrats of college !
Hail each ! but chiefly hail to thee,
Model of mitred dignity !
Hail ! " God-knows-most-unworthy Peer,"
Right-reverend lover of small beer ;
The churchman's shame, the scholar's scorn,
Lampoon, and Epigram in lawn !
Ne'er was by silken apron hidden
More precious stock of fruit forbidden,
Ne'er lurk'd the pious robe within
More full epitome of sin.
Proceed, great patron of us all,
In virtues right episcopal :
Friendship, a play of words with thee,
Sincerity, &jeu d? esprit ;
Thy love of God, the love of siller,
Thy daily manual, Joe Miller.
„ DEDICATION. 103
Proceed, and may your glories close
On the same stage where first they rose ;
Feel, ere you yield your parting breath,
The ruling passion strong in death ;
And, mindful of your speeches past,
Make from a cart your best and last !
EDWARD SMEDLEY.
104 *N CAP AND GOWN.
JOHNIAN MELODIES.
About 1814 there were current in Cambridge a number of jeux (Tesprit
called Johnian Melodies ', "written in imitation of Tom Moore. The follow*
ing is quoted in " Notes and Queries? 1st series, xii. 319. It is addressed
to a fellow-commoner, who would, of course, dine at the high table. The
president referred to is Rev. James Wood, afterwards master (1815-39),
a position in which he was succeeded by Ralph Tatham. Sir Isaac is
Sir Isaac Pennington, one of the senior fellows and Regius Professor of
Medicine (1793-1817) ; and Hopper the bed-maker.
WHEN in hall you go to dine,
O take your seat by the President's chair \
Tell him I'm going to Tatham's wine,
And hope to meet Sir Isaac there.
Bid him not set me an imposition,
For cutting his lectures this morning at eight ;
For Hopper swears with deep contrition,
She called me half an hour too late*
c 105
THOUGHTS SUGGESTED BY A COLLEGE
EXAMINATION.
Lord Byron entered Trinity in 1805, and having been absent from his
college for a year, finally' left in 1808. He did not pay much attention to
the studies of the University ', and was chiefly notable for the irregularities
of his conduct. He seems to hcve had as great a contempt for the University
to which he belonged as Gray or Smart. " Magnus" referred to in the
following poem, is Dr. Mansel, Master of Trinity. Dr. Hooper " left
three silver goblets for the three best English declamations." These prizes
are ridiculed below.
HIGH in the midst, surrounded by his peers,
Magnus his ample front sublime uprears :
Placed in his chair of state he seems a god,
While Sophs and Freshmen tremble at his nod.
As all around sit wrapt in speechless gloom,
His voice in thunder shakes the sounding dome ;
Denouncing dire reproach to luckless fools,
Unskilled to plod in Mathematic rules.
Happy the youth in Euclid's axioms tried,
Though little versed in any art beside ;
Who scarcely skilled an English line to pen,
Scans Attic metres with a critic's ken.
What though he knows not how his fathers bled,
Where civil discord piled the fields with dead,
When Edward bade his conquering bands advance,
Or Henry trampled on the crest of France :
106 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Though marvelling at the name of Magna Charta,
Yet well he recollects the laws of Sparta :
Can tell what edicts sage Lycurgus made,
While Blackstone's on the shelf neglected laid ;
Of Grecian dramas vaunts the deathless fame,
Of Avon's bard remembering scarce the name.
Such is the youth whose scientific pate
Class-honours, medals, fellowships await ;
Or even perhaps the declamation prize,
If to such glorious heights he lifts his eyes.
But lo ! no common orator can hope
The envied silver cup within his scope.
Not that our heads much eloquence require,
Th' Athenian's glowing style, or Tully's fire.
A manner clear or warm is useless, since
We do not try by speaking to convince.
Be other orators of pleasing proud :
We speak to please ourselves, not move the crowd
Our gravity prefers the muttering tone,
A proper mixture of the squeak or groan :
No borrowed grace of action must be seen,
The slightest motion would displease the Dean ;
Whilst every staring graduate would prate
Against what he could never imitate.
The man who hopes to obtain the promised cup,
Must in one posture stand, and ne'er look up,
Nor stop, but rattle over every word —
No matter what, so it can not be heard.
Thus let him hurry on, nor think to rest ;
Who speaks the fastest's sure to speak the best ;
Who utters most within the shortest space
May safely hope to win the wordy race.
A COLLEGE EXAMINATION. 107
The sons of science these, who, thus repaid,
Linger in ease in Granta's sluggish shade ;
Where on Cam's sedgy bank supine they lie
Unknown, unhonoured live, unwept for, die.
Dull as the pictures which adorn their halls,
They think all learning fix'd within their walls ;
In manners rude, in foolish forms precise,
All modern arts affecting to despise ;
Yet prizing Bentley's, Brunck's, or Person's note,
More than the verse on which the critic wrote j
Vain as their honours, heavy as their ale,
Sad as their wit and tedious as their tale ;
To friendship dead, though not untaught to feel
When Self and Church demand a bigot zeal.
With eager haste they court the lord of power,
Whether 'tis Pitt or Petty rules the hour ;
To him, with suppliant smiles, they bend the head,
While distant mitres to their eyes are spread.
But should a storm o'erwhelm him with disgrace,
They'd fly to seek the next who filled his place.
Such are the men who learning's treasures guard !
Such is their practise, such is their reward !
This much at least we may presume to say —
The premium can't exceed the price they pay.
LORD BYRON.
1806.
io8 IN CAP AND GOWN.
THE SIZAR'S TABLE.
The following verses are said to have been written by William Wilson
Todd, of St. John's, between 1 822 and 1 826. Todd was a sizar at the time.
Charles Simeon, of King's College (B.A. 1783), who is referred to in
line 8, was Vicar of Trinity Church, Cambridge. When first appointed
to the living he met with a storm of opposition, on account of his
evangelical tendencies. For many years his church, and the streets in
its neighbourhood, were the scene of the utmost disorder. The ultra-
pious members of the University who supported him were called
" Simeonites," or " Sims"
A sizar is a student who is admitted to the University at lower fees
than a pensioner. He got his name from "size," an allowance of pro-
visions. In earlier times some indignity was connected with the position
of a sizar, but this has long ceased to be the case.
The description of a sizar, given in Fawkes* translation from Smarfs
Tripos verses on " Yawning," is gloomy enough :
" Thus the lank Sizar views, with gaze aghast,
The harpy tutor at his noon's repast ;
In vain his teeth he grinds — oft checks a sigh,
And dusts a silent censure from his eye :
Now he prepares, officious, to convey
The lessening relics of the meal away —
In vain, no morsel 'scapes the greedy jaw,
All, all is gorg'd in magisterial maw ;
Till at the last observant of his word,
The lamentable waiter clears the board,
And inly murmuring miserably groans
To see the empty dish, and hear the rattling bones."
SUCH comical characters honour our table,
As never were heard of since Adam and Abel ;
THE SIZARS TABLE. 109
Some wondrous witty — some poor silly elves,
Who are witty and learned alone to themselves ;
Some full of politeness, some rough as a boar,
In their outward appearance and manners much more ;
Some carnally given to women and wine,
Some apostles of Simeon all pure and divine —
Some poets whose brains are most vacantly wise,
Suspended halfway 'tween the earth and the skies.
Some stiff as a poker, some crooked as a pin,
And some like a skeleton, shamefully thin ;
Some fair as the cedars of Lebanon, some
As yellow and pale as the great China Chum ;
Some perfumed and scented — some dirty in knowledge,
As the gyps are with cooking the meat of the college.
All characters scramble like dogs in the street,
To snarl at the half-plundered relics of meat,
Which fall from the table of wealthier Dons,
While we, like poor Lazarus, pick up the crumbs.
WILLIAM W. TODD.
I io IN CAP AND GOWN.
A LETTER FROM M V , OF TRINITY
COLLEGE, TO A FRIEND AT OXFORD.
On Tuesday the ceremony of laying the first stone of the new buildings
of Trinity College was performed. About a hundred and fifty gentle-
men afterwards sat down to a most splendid banquet in the noble Hall
of the college. The hilarity of this most interesting part of the ceremony
was, however, interrupted by one unfortunate proceeding. It has been
the custom upon previous occasions of a like nature for the fellows to
take their wine and make their speeches without removing from the
Hall, and the younger members of the college have been uniformly
invited to remain and participate in the conviviality and kindly feeling
of the event. Upon the present occasion the master and seniors deter-
mined to exclude all members in statu pupillari immediately that the
cloth was drawn from the table and the cork from the claret ; and the
bachelors, scholars, pensioners, and sizars, naturally indignant at this
encroachment of prerogative, resolved unanimously to absent themselves
altogether from the Hall. The lower end of the Hall presented a very
ludicrous appearance — venison in plenty, and none to eat ; beer in
abundance, and none to drink ; gyps in crowds, and none to require
their services.
The folio wing jeu cT esprit was handed about the next morning —
" Outspoke the Rover
To his gallant crew ;
Up with the black flag
And down with the blue."
This account, together with the poem, appeared in the " Cambridge
Independent Press," August 1 6, 1823.
THERE was a feast, a mighty feast,
For science and the gown ;
The college buildings were increased,
The Speaker was come down ;
A LETTER FROM M-
And men of war and men of prayer
And men of every sort were there,
Peer and professor, monk and mayor,
And Simeonite and sinner :
Sweating and swearing, fretting and frying,
Bowing and bustling, crowding and eyeing,
And very fond of speechifying,
And very fond of dinner.
Then, looking big and looking blue,
Outspoke unto his gallant crew
The gracious king of Trinity ;
" 'Tis contrary to rule and right
That we, the Seniors, shoulpl invite,
To see us drink and hear us speak,
The beardless bunglers in bad Greek,
The learners of Latinity.
We will not make the striplings sick
With claret and with rhetoric ;
The streams of eloquence and liquor
Shall only flow for vice and vicar,
The Court and Caput sweetly blent,
And members of the Parliament,
And doctors of Divinity.
'Tis proper for young men to pay
And keep the peace, and keep away !
They'll find the dinner quite a treat,
And hear the band, and eat the meat ;
But to stay drinking, strange vagary
For men in statu pupillari ! "
All undergraduates are vermin ;
The conclave did that day determine,
For fear of noise and squeeze,
ii2 IN CAP AND GOWN.
The master should remove at once
The emptiness of dish and dunce,
Thick beer and thirsty bachelor,
Plum pudding and pert Pensioner,
Young scholar and old cheese ;
That all unseen and all unheard
The ancient ones might be absurd ;
That all might join in port and pranks,
In reasoning and returning thanks ;
That none might note the trifling slips
Of roaring oaths from reverend lips ;
That medallists might praise the haunches,
And wranglers fight about the branches,
And sober Tutors drain the bottle,
And pedants quote from Aristotle.
A child might see how this would end.
Hot were our passions, O my friend,
And very hot the weather ;
We all resolved in either court
To cut the business very short,
And cut it altogether.
Was it a most atrocious sin
To hurry to the Eagle Inn,
And there to fret, and there to fume
In a great passion and small room ?
Perhaps it was ! I only know
I sat me down at five or so
And dined upon a charming plan,
Clean cloth, stewed eels, and Mary Anne.
I am egregiously witty ;
And Mary Anne is rather pretty
And so we grew immensely merry,
And drank the Doctor's health in sherry 1
HOCK VERSUS FALERNIAN.
The following lines are to be found in the " Facetiae Cantabrigienses,
published 1825.
As some Peter-house fellows, one day, as I have heard,
Were disputing which liquor old Horace preferred,
While some were for this sort, and others for that,
And backed their belief with quotations quite pat ;
Whilst, in spite of their joking, the contest ran high,
And some would have quarrell'd, but couldn't tell why :
Old P — ne, who till now had not moved tongue or breech,
Put an end to the war by this comical speech : —
" You may talk of your wines, with a name purely classic,
Such as Chian, Falernian, Lesbian, and Massic ;
But of this I am sure, and it worthy of note is,
Hock, hock was his liquor, — ' Hoc erat in votis ! ' " z
1 Vide Hor., Sat. lib. 2, 6.
II4 IN CAP AND GOWN.
THE COLLEGIAN AND THE PORTER.
The following poem, which, was founded upon fact, and tells its own
story, has been attributed to J. R. Planche. It is printed in the
" Facetiae Cantabrigienses" (1825).
AT Trin. Coll. Cam. — which means, in proper spelling,
Trinity College, Cambridge — there resided
One Harry Dashington ; a youth excelling
In all the learning commonly provided
For those who choose that classic station
For finishing their education.
That is — he understood computing
The odds at any race or match ;
Was a dead hand at pigeon-shooting :
Could kick up rows, knock down the watch,
Play truant and the rake at random,
Drink, tie cravats, and drive a tandem.
Remonstrance, fine, and rustication,
So far from working reformation,
Seemed but to make his lapses greater
Till he was warned that next offence
Would have this certain consequence, —
Expulsion from his Alma Mater.
THE COLLEGIAN AND THE PORTER. 115
One need not be a necromancer
To guess that, with so wild a wight,
The next offence occurr'd next night ;
When our incurable came rolling
Home as the midnight chimes were tolling,
And rang the college bell. — No answer.
The second peal was vain— the third
Made the street echo its alarum ;
When, to his great delight, he heard
The sordid Janitor, old Ben,
Rousing and growling in his den.
"Who's there? — I 'spose young Harum-scarum."
"Tis I, my worthy Ben — 'tis Harry."
" Aye, so I thought, and there you'll tarry.
" Tis past the hour — the gates are closed ;
You know my orders — I shall lose
My place if I undo the door."
" And I " (young hopeful interposed)
" Shall be expelled if you refuse ;
So prythee " — Ben began to snore.
" I'm wet," cried Harry, " to the skin ;
Hip ! hallo ! Ben ! don't be a ninny ;
Beneath the gate I've thrust a guinea,
So tumble out, and let me in."
" Humph ! " growled the greedy old curmudgeon,
Half overjoyed, and half in dudgeon,
" Now you may pass ; but make no fuss,
On tiptoe walk, and hold your prate."
" Look on the stones, old Cerberus,"
Cried Harry, as he passed the gate ;
" I've dropped a shilling — take the light ;
You'll find it just outside — good night."
n6 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Behold the porter in his shirt,
Cursing the rain, which never stopped,
Groping and raking in the dirt,
And all without success ; but that
Is hardly to be wondered at,
Because no shilling had been dropped ;
So he gave o'er the search at last,
Regained the door and found it fast !
With sundry oaths and growls and groans,
He rang once — twice — and thrice ; and then,
Mingled with giggling, heard the tones
Of Harry mimicking old Ben.
" Who's there ?— Tis really a disgrace
To ring so loud — I've locked the gate —
I know my duty — 'tis too late —
You wouldn't have me lose my place ? "
" Pshaw ! Mr. Dashington ; remember
This is the middle of November ;
I'm stripped; 'tis raining cats and dogs."
" Hush, hush ! " quoth Hal ; " I'm fast asleep ; "
And then he snored as loud and deep
As a whole company of hogs.
" But hark ye, Ben, I'll grant admittance
At the same rate I paid myself."
" Nay, master, leave me half the pittance,"
Replied the avaricious elf.
" No ; all or none — a full acquittance ; —
The terms, I know, are somewhat high ;
But you have fixed the price, not I.
I won't take less— I can't afford it;"
So, finding all his haggling vain,
Ben, with an oath and groan of pain,
Drew out the guinea and restored it.
THE COLLEGIAN AND THE PORTER. 117
"Surely you'll give me," growled th' outwitted
Porter when again admitted,
" Something, now you've done your joking,
For all this trouble, time, and soaking."
" Oh ! surely, surely," Harry said,
" Since, as you urge, I broke your rest,
And you're half-drowned and quite undress'd,
I'll give you — leave to go to bed ! "
N. M. M.
n8 IN CAP AND GOWN.
CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY.
UTRUM HOKUM. A CAMBRIDGE BALLAD.
In 1826 Sir J. Singleton Copley and Viscount Palmers ton were opposed
by IV. y. Bankes and H. Goulburn in the election of members to represent
the University in Parliament. It was thought that, if either Bankes or
Goulburn retired from the contest ', the chances of the one who retained the
confidence of his party would be the stronger. Goulburn, however, declined
to come to terms, and the result was that Copley and Palmerston were
returned. The following appeared in the " Times" for June 16, 1826.
"I authorized my committee to take the step which they did, of
proposing a fair comparison of strength, upon the understanding that
whichever of the two should prove to be the weakest, should give way
to the other." (Extract from Mr. W. J. Bankes's letter to Mr.
Goulburn.)
Nt/co /tow ou5' oAAos, av A22aroi b"eyfvovTO.
THEOCRITUS.
B— NKES is weak, and G— Ib— rn too,
No one e'er the fact denied ; —
Which is "weakest" of the two
Cambridge can alone decide.
Choose between them, Cambridge, pray;
Which is weakest, Cambridge, say.
G — Ib — rn of the Pope afraid is,
B — nkes as much afraid as he ;
Never yet did two old ladies
On this point so well agree.
Choose between them, Cambridge, pray ;
Which is weakest, Cambridge, say.
CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY. 119
Each a different mode pursues,
Each the same conclusion reaches ;
B — nkes is foolish in Reviews,
G — lb — rn foolish in his speeches.
Choose between them, Cambridge, pray ;
Which is weakest, Cambridge, say.
Each a different foe doth damn,
When his own affairs have gone ill ;
B — nkes he damneth Buckingham,
G — lb — rn damneth Dan O'Connel.
Choose between them, Cambridge, pray ;
Which is weakest, Cambridge, say.
B — nkes, accustomed much to roam,
1 Plays with Truth a traveller's pranks ;
G — lb — rn, though he stays at home,
Travels thus as much as B — nkes.
Choose between them, Cambridge, pray ;
Which is weakest, Cambridge, say.
Once, we know, a horse's neigh
Fix'd th' election to a throne ;
So, whichever first shall bray,
Choose him, Cambridge, for thy own.
Choose him, choose him by his bray ;
Thus elect him, Cambridge, pray.
120 IN CAP AND GOWN*
THE COUNTRY CLERGYMAN'S TRIP TO
CAMBRIDGE.
AN ELECTION BALLAD. (1827.)
In 1827 Mr. W. J. Bankes, who had already been the University's
representative in one Parliament, came forward again as the champion of
Protestantism, avowing his " full concurrence with those who apprehend
danger to the Protestant Establishment by any further concessions to the
Catholics" He was opposed by Sir Nicholas Tindal, afterwards Chief
Justice of the Common Pleas, by. whom he was defeated by 101 votes.
Apropos of this election, T. B. Macaulay, who two years previously
had graduated as M.A., wrote " The Country Clergyman's Trip to
Cambridge. "
As I sate down to breakfast in state,
At my living of Tithing-cum-Boring,
With Betty beside me to wait,
Came a rap that almost beat the door in.
I laid down my basin of tea,
And Betty ceased spreading the toast,
" As sure as a gun, sir," said she,
" That must be the knock of the post"
A letter — and free — bring it here —
I have no correspondent who franks.
No ! Yes ! Can it be ? Why, my dear,
Tis our glorious, our Protestant Bankes.
THE COUNTRY CLERGYMAN'S TRIP. 121
" Dear sir, as I know you desire
That the Church should receive due protection,
I humbly presume to require
Your aid at the Cambridge election.
" It has lately been brought to my knowledge,
That the Ministers fully design
To suppress each cathedral and college,
And eject every learned divine.
To assist this detestable scheme
Three nuncios from Rome are come over ;
They left Calais on Monday by steam,
And landed to dinner at Dover.
<f An army of grim Cordeliers,
Well furnished with relics and vermin,
Will follow, Lord Westmoreland fears,
To effect what their chiefs may determine.
Lollards' Tower, good authorities say,
Is again fitting up for a prison ;
And a wood-merchant told me to-day
'Tis a wonder how faggots have risen.
" The finance scheme of Canning contains
A new Easter-offering tax ;
And he means to devote all the gains
To a bounty on thumb-screws and racks.
Your living, so neat and compact —
Pray, don't let the news give you pain ! —
Is promised, I know for a fact,
To an olive-faced Padre from Spain."
I read, and I felt my heart bleed,
Sore wounded with horror and pity ;
122 IN CAP AND GOWN.
So I flew, with all possible speed,
To our Protestant champion's committee.
True gentlemen, kind and well-bred !
No fleeing ! no distance ! no scorn !
They asked after my wife who is dead,
And my children who never were born.
They then, like high-principled Tories,
Called our sovereign unjust and unsteady,
And assailed him with scandalous stories,
Till the coach for the voters was ready.
That coach might be well called a casket
Of learning and brotherly love :
There were parsons in boot and in basket,
There were parsons below and above.
There were Sneaker and Griper, a pair
Who stick to Lord Mulesby like leeches ;
A smug chaplain of plausible air,
Who writes my Lord Goslingham's speeches.
Dr. Buzz, who alone is a host,
Who, with arguments weighty as lead,
Proves six times a week in the Post
That flesh somehow differs from bread.
Dr. Nimrod, whose orthodox toes
Are seldom withdrawn from the stirrup;
Dr. Humdrum, whose eloquence flows,
Like droppings of sweet poppy syrup ;
Dr. Rosygill puffing and fanning,
And wiping away perspiration ;
Dr. Humbug, who proved Mr. Canning
The beast in St. John's Revelation.
A layman can scarce form a notion
Of our wonderful talk on the road ;
THE COUNTRY CLERGYMAN'S TRIP. 123
Of the learning, the wit, and devotion
Which almost each syllable showed :
Why divided allegiance agrees
So ill with our free constitution ;
How Catholics swear as they please,
In hope of the priest's absolution.
How the Bishop of Norwich had bartered
His faith for a legate's commission ;
How Lyndhurst, afraid to be martyr'd,
Had stooped to a base coalition ;
How Papists are cased from compassion
By bigotry, stronger than steel ;
How burning would soon come in fashion,
. And how very bad it must feel.
We were all so much touched and excited
By a subject so direly sublime,
That the rules of politeness were slighted,
And we all of us talked at a time ;
And in tones, which each moment grew louder,
Told how we should dress for the show,
And where we should fasten the powder,
And if we should bellow or no.
Thus from subject to subject we ran,
And the journey passed pleasantly o'er,
Till at last Dr. Humdrum began ;
From that time I remember no more.
At Ware he commenced his prelection,
In the dullest of clerical drones ;
And when next I regained recollection
We were rumbling o'er Trumpington stones.
LORD MACAULAY.
124 IN CAP AND GOWN.
TIMBUCTOO.
W. M. Thackeray's connection with " The Snob" of which eleven
numbers were published in Cambridge in 1829, constituted his first literary
venture. According to the " Tatler in Cambridge" (1871), " The Snob "
was written by Thackeray, Letsom, and perhaps Brookfield. Thackeray
probably wrote nothing before " Timbuctoo" a good-humoured ridicule
of Alfred Tennysorfs poem, which gained the Chancellor's English Medal
in 1829. In the first edition of " The Snob " this was signed T., and in
the next number, among the "Replies to Correspondents" we read these
words, " We shall be glad to hear from T. again" pointing, perhaps, to
the fact that Thackeray was a new contributor. To the later numbers of
the same periodical he contributed much. " To Genevieve" he acknow-
ledges ; while he claims for himself the credit of the jocular advertisement,
" Sidney Sussex College. — Wanted, a few freshmen ; please apply at the
buttery." With the editor's aid, he wrote the whole of No. 8 in five
hours.
To THE EDITOR OF THE "SNOB."
SIR, — Though your name be " Snob," I trust you will not refuse this
tiny " Poem of a Gownsman," which was unluckily not finished on the
day appointed for delivery of the several copies of verses on Timbuctoo.
I thought, Sir, it would be a pity that such a poem should be lost to
the world ; and conceiving the Snob to be the most widely circulated
periodical in Europe, I have taken the liberty of submitting it for inser-
tion or approbation.
I am, Sir, yours, etc., etc., etc.
T.
TIMBUCTOO. PART I.
The IN Africa (a quarter of the world)
m* Men's skins are black, their hair is crisp and curl'd ;
And somewhere there, unknown to public view,
A mighty city lies, called Timbuctoo.
TIMBUCTOO.
125
The
natural
history.
The lion
hunt.
Their
lives at
home.
Abroad.
Reflec-
tions on
the fore-
going.
There stalks the tiger, — there the lion roars, — 5
Who sometimes eat the luckless blackamoors •
All that he leaves of them the monster throws
To jackals, vultures, dogs, cats, kites, and crows :
His hunger thus the forest monster gluts,
And then lies down 'neath trees called cocoa-nuts. 10
Quick issue out, with musket, torch, and brand,
The sturdy blackamoors, a dusky band !
The beast is found, — pop goes the musketoons, —
The lion falls, covered with horrid wounds.
At home their lives in pleasure always flow, 1 5
But many have a different lot to know !
They're often caught and sold as slaves, alas
Thus men from highest joys to sorrow pass.
Yet though thy monarchs and thy nobles boil
Rack and molasses in Jamaica's isle ! 20
Desolate Afric, thou art lovely yet ! !
One heart yet beats, that ne'er shall thee forget.
What though thy maidens are a blackish brown,
Does virtue dwell in whiter breasts alone ?
Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no ! 25
It shall not, must not, cannot, e'er be so.
The day shall come when Albion's self shall feel
Stern Afric's wrath, and writhe 'neath Afric's steel.
I see her tribes the hill of glory mount,
And sell their sugars on their own account ; 30
While round her throne the prostrate nations come,
Sue for her rice and barter for her rum. 32
W. M. THACKERAY.
Lines i, 2. See Guthrie's Geography.
The site of Timbuctoo is doubtful ; the author has neatly expressed
this in the poem, at the same time giving us some slight hints relative
to its situation.
Line 5. So Horace— " leonum arida nutrix."
126 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Line 8. Thus Apollo —
fXcapia Teu
Otcavotffi re Tra<ri.
Lines 5-10. How skilfully introduced are the animal and vegetable
productions of Africa ! It is worthy to remark the various garments in
which the poet hath clothed the lion. He is called, first, the lion ;
second, the monster (for he is very large) ; and third, the forest monarch,
which undoubtedly he is.
Lines 11-14. Thfi author confesses himself under peculiar obliga-
tions to Denham's and Clapperton's travels, as they suggested to him
the spirited description contained in these lines.
Line 13. "Pop goes the musketoons." A learned friend suggested
"bang, "as a stronger expression; but, as African gunpowder is noto-
riously bad, the author thought ' ' pop " the better word.
Lines 15-18. A concise but affecting description is here given of the
domestic habits of the people — the infamous manner in which they are
entrapped and sold as slaves is described — and the whole ends with an
appropriate moral sentiment. The poem might here finish, but the
spirit of the bard penetrates the veil of futurity, and from it cuts oft
a bright piece for the hitherto unfortunate Africans, as the following
beautiful lines amply exemplify.
It may, perhaps, be remarked that the author has here " changed his
hand ; " he answers that it was his intention so to do. Before it was
his endeavour to be elegant and concise ; it is now his wish to be
enthusiastic and magnificent. He trusts the reader will perceive the
aptness with which he hath changed his style ; when he narrated the
facts he was calm, when he enters on prophecy he is fervid.
The enthusiasm which he feels is beautifully expressed in lines 25, 26.
He thinks he has very successfully imitated, in the last six lines, the best
manner of Mr. Pope, and in lines 12-26 the pathetic elegance of the
author of "Australasia" and "Athens."
The author cannot conclude without declaring that his aim in writing
this poem will be fully accomplished, if he can infuse into the breasts of
Englishmen a sense of the danger in which they lie. Yes — Africa ! If
he can awaken one particle of sympathy for thy sorrows, of love for thy
land, of admiration for thy virtue, he shall sink into the grave with the
proud consciousness that he has raised esteem where before there was
contempt, and has kindled the flame of hope on the mouldering ashes of
despair.
I27
THE PROCTOR.
" The Snob" was succeeded by " The Gownsman," of which seventeen
numbers were issued between November 5, 1829, and February 25, 1830.
In the conduct of this journal, too, Thackeray is said to have had a con-
siderable share. A writer In the " Athenaeum" for January I, ^1887,
states that his contributions were signed 6. If this be the case, the majority
of them are^of little merit. The best, " Pd be a Tadpole" is printed below.
Anthony Trollope seems half inclined to attribute the dedication of " The
Gownsman " to Thackeray. It runs as follows :— '
" To all Proctors, past, present, and future,
Whose taste it is our privilege to follow,
Whose virtue it is our duty to imitate,
Whose presence it is our interest to avoid."
The authorship of " The Proctor" which appeared in No. 9, is un-
known.
" Parmeno. At non novi hominus faciem.
Pamphilus. At faciam ut noveris :
Magnus, rubicundus, crispus, crassus, caesius *
Cadaverosa facie.
Parmeno. Dii ilium perduint."
TER.
WHO is it, that with bull-dogs two,
With brass-bound book, and cloak of blue,
Is capped on Sundays by a few ?
The Proctor.
1 Quasi felis oculos habeas.
128 Itf CAP AND GOWN.
Who is't in bands and silk so fine,
Is seen about soon after nine,
Like glow-worm doomed at night to shine ?
The Proctor.
Who was it when I doused a glim,
Dispatched to catch me bull-dog Jem,
And begged that I would call on him ?
The Proctor.
Who was it too, when sporting hat
On Queen's bridge rails one night I sat,
Just asked my name — no more than that ?
The Proctor.
Who was it, when a row began,
Between the Snobs and Gownsmen ran,
And seized me, as I floored a man ?
The Proctor.
And when I bribed with half-a-dollar
The bull-dog to let go my collar,
Who was it run and beat me hollow ?
The Proctor.
And when he caught me, — asked my name, —
Who was it found I could die game ?
(For I kicked his shins and made him lame,)
The Proctor.
Who was it of this aggravation
Before the Vice laid accusation,
Who kindly sentenced rustication ?
The Proctor.
THE PROCTOR. 129
Who was it, when Degree was near,
By frowning looks taught me to fear
He meant to harass me ? — oh dear !
The Proctor.
Who was it said, " Sir, if you please,
I'll trouble you to pay your fees,
We never trust for no degrees " ?
The Proctor.
Who after all this long delay,
Examination, lots to pay,
Declined to make me a B.A.
— And then got licked that very day ?
The Proctor.
£
*3° IN CAP AND GOWN.
AN ELEGY.
WRITTEN IN THE LONG VACATION.
This poem appeared in No. nof" The Gownsman"
THE vacant streets proclaim the "parting day,"
The loaded coaches setting off, you see,
The gownsman homeward bends his joyous way,
And leaves the college and the town to me.
No wine, no supper-parties glad the sight ;
O'er all the court a solemn stillness reigns ;
Save where some gambling Gyps o'er skittles fight.
When Fortune robs them of their easy gains.
Save that at intervals from yonder tow'r
You hear some moping questionist complain,
Condemned to toil thro' many a weary hour
O'er Newton, Smith and " Calculus " again.
(Haply the Porter or some Gyp may say,
" Oft have we seen him at the break of dawn,
Brushing with hasty steps the dew away,
And take his seedy walk across the lawn.")
AN ELEGY. ,31
All else is hushed ! — the spider here has made
His web o'er books in many a mould'ring heap ;
And on the shelf till next October laid,
Euclid and Wood and Aristotle sleep !
TOGATUS.
32 IN CAP AND GOWN.
MODERN SONGS.—No. 5.
Air—" I'd be a butterHy."
I'D be a tadpole, born in a puddle,
Where dead cats, and drains, and water-rats meet ;
There under a stone I so snugly would cuddle,
With some other tad which was pretty and sweet
I'd never seek my poor brains for to muddle,
With thinking why I had no toes to my feet ;
But under a stone I so snugly would cuddle
With some other tad as was pretty and sweet.
If I could borrow the wand of a fairy,
I'd be a fish and have beautiful fins —
But yet in this puddle I'm cleanly and airy,
I'm washed by the waters and cool'd by the winds !
Fish in a pond must be watchful and' wary,
Or boys will catch them with worms and hooked pins.
I'll be a tadpole, cleanly and airy,
Washed by the waters and wiped by the winds.
What though you tell me each black little rover
Dies in the sun when the puddle is dry, —
Do you not think that when it's all over
With my best friends I'll be happy to die ?
MODERN SONGS. 133
Some may turn toads with great speckled bellies,
Swim in the gutter, or spit in the road ;
I'll stay a tadpole, and not, like them fellers,
Be one day a tad and another a toad.
0.
W. M. THACKERAY.
134 IN CAP AND GOWN.
An Anglo-Sapphic Ode,
dedicated
(with French leave)
to
Robert Mackintosh Beverley, Esq.,
entitled
The Friend of Veracity
versus
The Lie-Grinder,
being
a Burlesque Imitation of Mr. Canning's Stanzas,
"The Friend of Humanity and the Knife-Grinder."
Not by a Can-ning, but a Can-tab.
Cambridge.
1833-
In 1833, the notorious Mr. JR. M. Beverley wrote a letter to H.R.ff.
the Duke of Gloucester, then Chancellor of the University, in which he
made a vigorous attack on the morals and learning of the University
of Cambridge. The letter occasioned the utmost indignation in Cambridge,
and the writer was finally silenced by Professor SedgwicKs "Four Letters
to the Editor of the Leeds Mercury." The following lines appeared in
the form of a pamphlet.
PREFACE.
IN the ensuing stanzas, the writer is fully aware that he has
fallen far short of the elegant example which he has
AN ANGLO-SAPPHIC ODE. 135
attempted to copy, but he nevertheless hopes that the
reader will make all possible allowances for the attempt.
He has not made the Lie-grinder answer the Friend of
Veracity, because he did- not exactly see what the former
could say in his defence, considering that the poor man's
conscience must be by this time, or at least ought to be,
sufficiently burdened by ruminating on his bouncing hyper-
boles. We must suppose that the sharpness of his cuts at
the university is all owing to the goodness of his grindstone.
THE FRIEND OF VERACITY VERSUS
THE LIE-GRINDER.
Friend of Veracity.
SILLY Lie-grinder, what have you been doing?
Great is the scrape your pen has got you into,
Deep are our threats ; — your head has got a crack in't>
So have your brains, Sir.
Dirty Lie-grinder, — little thought the Cantabs,
. Who in their gowns walk for a Constitution-
al, that a biped in the human form could
Write such a pamphlet.
Tell me, Lie-grinder, how came you to write such
Lies against Cambridge ? was it out of spite ? or
Was it in hopes of shar*"j "!7* the Uni-
versity plunder?1
1 Perhaps Mr. Beverley hopes to have a slice of University property,
if he can prevail on the people of England to put an end to those never -
to-be-praised-enough institutions.
136 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Was it from spite ? or sense of unrevenged wrongs ?
Did some old Don tyrannically use you ?
Master or Tutor, Moderator or Vice-
Chancellor? Eh, Sir?
Was it the Dean, for not attending chapel ?
Or the Pro-proctor finding you in mischief?
Or did your Tutor put you out of Sizings,
Absent at Lecture ?
Did you the night-capped citizens awaken,
Night after night drunk, did you break the lamps, and
Hope to escape (you votary of Liber 1)
Proctorization ?
Mack ! I maintain immaculate* we are, for
No Robert Whig Mack Beverley, Esquire, now
Kicks up a row, gets drunk, or flanks a tandem —
Whip out of window.
Be not deceived by Beverley 's aspersions ;
Send all your sons to Eton or to Rugby ;
Afterwards, parents, pray take my advice, and
Send them to Cambridge.3
1 We must suppose Mr. Beverley thought that because Bacchus's
name is also "Liber," that if he made free with a little wine, that god
would keep him free from Proctors.
2 We may, we hope, by poetical licence, for once step aside from the
proper derivation of the word immaculate, and suppose it to be derived
from in, not,- and maculate — from Mack, the Lie-Grinder; therefore we
are immaculate if we have not Alack. Certainly he is not a " macte
puer."
3 See what Mr. Beverley says against Eton, etc. He has also these
memorable words of advice "to parents who value the religion of their
sons — send them not to Cambridge."
AN ANGLO-SAPPHIC ODE. 137
Few the Newmarket races have attracted,
London in term time seldom sees a Cantab ;
Balls are but scarce, we'll Bury them in silence :
Rarely frequented.
How can you talk of mummery and mass,1 Sir ?
. " Massa, me no like such a buckra fellow ; "
White though your skin, your principles are black as
Ink in a bottle.
Surely you read the Rights of Man, to write such
Lies, Sir ; a stick now trembles in my hand, quite
Ready to fall, as soon as I may see your
Rascally worship.
Bobby,2 you've told a multitude of stories,
Lies without end, Sir ; chequered is your pamphlet,
As the world sees and knows, I hope, with acrid
Radical humbug !
Constables ought, indeed, to take you into
Custody ; they should walk you to a justice,
Who, if he's wise, should put you in the Cambridge
Stocks for a rascal.
1 See what Mr. Beverley says about mass, etc. , which he proposes to
be restored in the college chapels, by its own proper name, for he says
it is now adopted in all but the name. N.B. — This is the individual
who, it may be remembered, proposed to the Archbishop of York to
convert York Minster into a Catholic church, asserting that that
cathedral was founded and endowed by Roman Catholics, and there-
fore it would be but just to restore it to the priests of that religion for
which it was originally built. See his "Anti-Church Letter to the
Archbishop of York."
2 Some of the emendators propose "Booby;" but I imagine it is
perfectly optional, as the Trinity porter said to the freshman who
asked what church he was to go to on Sundays. " Perfectly hoptional,
sir, I assure you," was the answer.
138 IN CAP AND GOWN.
I should be glad to break your honour's head with
One stick or two, if ever I may see you ;
But, for my part, I never like with such to
Dirty my fingers.
Libelling Bob Mack Beverley, Esquire, you
Wretch, whom no sense of shame can keep from lying,
Sordid, unfeeling reprobate, degraded
Radical outcast !
C 139
THOUGHTS SUGGESTED BY THE NEW
CAIUS GOWN.
Previously to the year 1835 the undergraduates of Trinity were dis-
tinguished from other members of the university by wearing a blue gown.
In this year, however, the Caius men discarded their short goivn of sable
hue for one which somewhat resembled that of Trinity. This called forth
the following protest from an indignant Trinity man.
AWAKE, my Muse ! and leave all meaner things
To humble Queen's Men, or to men of King's ;
To mightier themes my daring strains aspire,
Touch thou my pen with thy celestial fire.
I sing the deeds of those, who think Renown
Dwells in the folds of our caerulean gown.
Unhappy youths ! whom nature ne'er endowed
With aught to raise them from the vulgar crowd,
Yet eager too to fill the rolls of fame,
And gain the empty honour of a name,
Have vainly tried the paths which science shews,
And Alma Mater with her prizes strews.
Their feeble minds, unable to contend
With those where genius and where learning blend,
Th' unequal contest shunned, and sought to gain
By readier means the object of their pain.
List then, my friends, while I in haste describe
The dwelling-place of this eccentric tribe.
140 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Know ye the spot where the cross-spikes and bars
Are emblems of those who attempted to climb,
But not being nimble or active as tars
Fell — and suffered the lasting effects of their crime ?
Know ye the College where men never shine
In aught but in quaffing the juice of the vine ;
Where clouds of tobacco send forth a perfume,
That is plainly perceived pouring out from each room ?
The sounds that ye hear there are not like the lute,
For the voice of the "rowing-man" seldom is mute;
But the ale that they sell there, — I own it will vie
With any that's made — or sold — under the sky ;
And the hue of their copus is brightest in dye.
'Tis the College of Caius — 'tis the land where the " bum-
curtain " lately was sported by each jolly chum,
But now black and blue are the gowns that they wear,
Like the eye of a drunkard, returned from a fair.
Grief long had worn these hapless men,
The cause I need not say again ;
With one consent they then agreed —
'Tis said — their general cause to plead.
The sapient conclave having met,
With pipes and bakky duly set,
A youth with not too much of wisdom blessed
Th' assembled brethren in these words addressed :
f 'Shall we alone, my friends, alone shall we,
(Spurned though we are by lofty Trinity,)
Contented wear this odious curtailed gown,
Laughed at by each pert puppy of the town ;
While round us stalk in haughty grandeur all,
Men of each other college, and each hall ?
No ; since, alas ! no other road their lies
By which ourselves we can immortalize,
THE NEW CAWS GOWN. 141
With one loud voice the Master let us sue —
Oh ! let us wear a beauteous gown of blue ! "
With cheers full loud this wise proposal came,
And their fond wish was wafted into flame ;
The Master heard ; he smiled and gave assent.
To Creeke and Ratnett straight the orders went
For gowns of blue, with sable patches pied,
One at the back, and one at either side.
Vain fools !— and have ye then so soon forgot,
In Aesop's tales, the unhappy ass's lot ;
How in the lion's hide the creature brayed,
And by his voice his witless self betrayed ?
So will your hopes as signally be wrecked,
Though in your gowns of slaty hue bedecked.
If ye desire the name of Caius to raise,
And reap at least some honourable praise,
'Tis not our gowns that can exalt your name.
In learning — strive to emulate our fame,
Though vain, I fear, the tedious task you'd find ;
You'd still be left so very far behind.
Sport if ye will our robes of purple hue,
Ye guiltless freshmen,— we laugh not at you ;
Our only aim has here been to disclose
The idle plot, that wrought your early woes.
Yet weep not, Caius Men, in your lowly den ;
Well may ye envy Trinity her men.
Their bright examples ever yet have stood
Foremost in all we deem most wise and good,
And till the world in hapless ruin fade
Still shall their memories be undecayed ;
In vain assailed by Envy's cankering breath,
Their names remain unperishing in death.
A.
142 IN CAP AND GOWN,
THE SNOB TAD, OR TOWN AND GOWN
ROW IN CAMBRIDGE.
November 5, 1835.
This poem was written down, from the dictation of the Hon. and Rev.
P. Y. Savile, by the late Dr. Potts, in 1881, and a copy of it is now pre-
served in the Registry at Cambridge. Another town and gown row is
described on p. 199.
IN college rooms a crowded conclave sat,
November five just dusk, in close debate ;
A steaming punch-bowl purified the room,
And fragrant pipes distilled a blue perfume.
As the curled smoke ascended to the ceiling,
So up curvetted each heroic feeling ;
And loud the menaces and dire the works
Vowed against Snobs in memory of Fawkes.
High and yet higher the discussion rose,
Who should be leader, where attack the foes,
How armed each youth, how every troop arrayed ;
Some lay the bet, and some the ambuscade.
Deep in the liquid realms of Cam with fright
For the forthcoming horrors of the night,
The guardian Sprite inflitted as they spoke,
And straightway hovered o'er a pipe of smoke.
Just then a youth of most undoubted worth
Had blown a cloud of weedy vapour forth,
And as he oped his mouth to puff again,
The Sprite flew in and settled on his brain —
THE SNOB I AD. 143
A vacant spot, where, sitting at her ease,
She might dictate such sentiments as these :
"Permit me, gentlemen, if in submitting
A trifling word or two (excuse my spitting)
I should admit what ill becomes my college ;
But, sirs, remember that I speak from knowledge.
This night six hundred foes are in the town,
We scarce can reckon on a hundred gown ;
Six hundred blackguards armed with stones and bricks,
While we can lean on nothing but our sticks ;
On jagged missiles all their strength reposes,
And, ere we reach them, we have lost our noses.
Now list ; to-morrow night you'll all confess
Their force will be considerably less.
With quite as much excitement, fun, and noise,
Six hundred Snobs will fall on sixty boys,
And from the moment that we sally out
We shall enjoy a long victorious rout.
Now, oft of yore have I and my two cousins
By such prudential measures slaughtered dozens —
Caught with our toes the miscreants as they fled,
And made the pavement answer to their head."
His boasting words mere windy sounds disclose,
While tumorous buzzings of applause arose.
The chairman puffed in silence for a minute,
Then softly murmured, " there was something in it."
One only from the central mass of smoke —
A wildly fierce deluded freshman — spoke :
" My sentence is for war without distinction —
For thorough, signal, absolute extinction.
Turn, then, false comrades, blench ye from the fight,
I — I at least will have a mill to-night ! "
He said, and rushing to the streets pell-mell,
Flourished his furious fist, and fighting fell !
14* IN CAP AND GOWN.
Ah ! valiant youth, of generous noble spirit,
Strange that the fates should so reward thy merit.
One eye bunged out, both nostrils battered wide,
With two ribs fractured on the dexter side,
Of cap and gown bereft, his coat uptorn,
Back to his college is the hero borne.
Two Proctors, kindly holding either arm,
Staunch the dark blood, and gate him for the term.
The Sprite of Camus sought the top of King's,
And calmly lighting, slowly closed her wings;
She then, with anxious forethought looking down,
Surveys each hole and corner of the town,
Where it is best to lead the headstrong host,
What places favour, what endanger most.
Oh for a throat of brass and blacksmith's bellows,
To tell the mustering of these gallant fellows ;
To say what college, fired by thirst of fame,
On-led by fancied wrongs, to battle came !
See ! they advance from every college door ;
With waving caps and flowing gowns outpour.
These are the Tufts of Trinity, and these
The Sons of Queen's and all the Bunch of Caius.
Saint John's sends forth a Bacchanalian train,
Corpus peeps forth and skelters back again,
And little Sidney issues all she can,
Her force concentred in a single man.
Six Donning men had promised their assistance,
But, like poor Blucher, could not save their distance
Four had at early morn their march begun,
But reached not Cambridge ere the fight was done ;
. The other two, while slipping on their garters,
Their wives had threatened and detained in quarters.
Rough, bluff, and sturdy, though in numbers few,
The Aulites muster, one united crew;
THE SNOB IAD. M5
Their gowns with care around their bodies tied,
For fear the Snobs should claim them for their side.
Far in another quarter of the town
A togaed phalanx bear their foemen down
In combat close ; they wage it hand to hand,
Each for himself, regardless of command ;
Only one Magdalene youth withheld the blow,
Bent o'er the body of a prostrate foe,
Parting his locks, beneath a lighted lamp,
To trace the features of his forehead damp.
Heard ye that shriek ? " Yes, yes ! 'tis he, 'tis he !
I've slain, I've massacred our own Bargee !
Oh, Bargee, Bargee, wherefore could you fight us ? "
Here Alexander lost another Clitus.
The Bargee deeply groaned, and loudly cried
Belching forth one foul word, and then he died.
The Sprite of Cam now leaves the battle-field,
A gentle youth of valiant Caius to shield,
Wending his homeward way at half-past nine
To get his tea and save the Porter's fine.
A youth was he, on study all intent,
With swipes and College commons quite content.
His friend he left in Pembroke College attics,
Deeply engaged in mixed mathematics.
Scarce had he left the college in his rear,
When three fell Snobians were seen drawing near.
Two slashing hits first bend his body double ;
The third then floors him, and saves further trouble.
With eyes impatient starting from their sockets,
In vain the conquerors dive into his pockets ;
No chinking gold, no watch nor jewels rare,
Answer their feelings or repay their care —
Naught but some sheets of scribbling paper there.
" Oh, curse the mongrel, he's not worth a groat ! "
L
146 IN CAP AND GOWN.
They cry ; " we'll stuff the papers down his throat."
In vain the youth resists the doughty three ;
They force into his mouth the Laws of Gravity ;
And, what was far more difficult and cruel,
They try to make him bolt Magister Whewell.
But soon the angry Sprite relieved him from it,
Soothing his pains by a most timely vomit.
The fight is o'er, and well it was no worse !
Each party claims the victory, of course.
While beer and baccy calm the Snobian soul,
The gownsman revels in the purple bowl.
And many a vaunt and many a boast goes round.
One shows his body whole, one boasts his wound ;
This thought it humbug, and that thought it fun,
But every man a thousand deeds had done.
First, Hobbs of Trinity had fought his way
Alone, unaided through the thickest fray,
And challenged every gentleman to tell
A feat of chivalry performed so well.
But Dobbs of John's, his back against a wall,
Daring full sixty Snobians one and all,
Floored every man, and on their bodies jumped ;
So the First Trinity was fairly bumped.
The Sprite of Cam had sunk beneath her river,
To paint her lance and to renew her quiver ;
And as Aurora gilds the eastern morn,
By playful zephyrs on each sunbeam borne,
Leaps to the water-lilies' perfumed bud,
Waves her bright wand, and reassumes the flood.
C 147 )
VICE-CHANCELLOR V. MAYOR.
On February 22, 1837, a grace was offered to the Senate " To authorize
the Vice-Chancellor,— proceedings at Law having been instituted against the
late V.C. with a view to try the right, which the University has for so long
a period claimed and exercised, of licensing persons to keep Piiblic Houses
within its limits — to take and act upon the advice of the University Counsel,
assisted by sttch other Counsel as the V. C. may deem it expedient to consult,
for the purpose of protecting the University in the enjoyment of its privilege"
7'he question was decided in 1838 in favour of the University.
MASTERS of Arts ! who value independence,
And cannot brook tyrannical proceedings,
What's the excuse that you did not attend the
Late Congregation?
Had you been true, we could have struck a blow, which
Would have put down Vice-Chancellors for ever,
Disannulled all their privilege and made them
Just what they should be,
Servants, to wit, depending on the town, and
Armed with no more authority than seemeth
Fit to the most Right Worshipful the Mayor and
New Corporation.
When the Dissenters volunteer to help you
To degrade your chief Magistrate, and sinking
Minor disputes, make common cause for this de-
sirable object,
148 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Who that would crave the favour of O'Connell,
Morpeth and Russeil, hesitates to vote that
Privilege, right, immunity and all our
Liberties are not
Worth the defending ? When the Camp's in danger
Surely there is discretion in surrender,
And he that first capitulates ensures re-
ward for his service.
Masters of Arts, then, rally round " the Mayor," and
Help him to send Vice-Chancellors and Proctors,
Taxers, etc. (all but Liberal Professors)
Into the Town Jail.
c 149
NUGAE BARTLOVIANAE.
The two barrows on Bartlow Hills -were -opened tn 1835 and 1838
respectively. On both occasions Whewell, Sedgwick, and others were present ',
and the following verses by Whewell -were published for private circulation
in 1838. They were afterwards inchtded in the volume of his poems,
called "Sunday Thoughts and Other Verses'* (1847). The following is
a contemporary account of the opening of the second barrow : ' ' Lodge, and
Sedgwick. and Whewell, and Henslow went from Audley End with a large
party. They found a box (some four feet long, three broad, and three high],
in which were sundry Roman glass bottles, pateras, bronze jugs, and a
lamp, also some small bones (siipposed to be chicken-bones} ; the urn con-
taining the dead man's bones was not yet found. Sedgwick exhibited to the
mob a pot, which he declared had belonged to Julius C<zsar. Wheivell
wrote a copy of humorous verses on the occasion (viz. a complaint of the
dead man for being disturbed}"
DEDICATION.
NOBLES and learned Clerks, and Ladies gay,
Who all, in fair assembly ranged, were by
When antiquarian pickaxe broke its way
Through Bartlow's old mysterious tumuli ;
Would you indeed the tinkling still retain
Of bells that jingled for your disport then ?
Take here the moment's rhyme ; the trifling strain
(Secure with you from churlish critic's ken)
May bring some pleasant days back to your thoughts again.
W. W.
AUDLEY END, April 17, 1838.
150 IN CAP AND GOWN.
BARTLOW HILLS.
AN ECLOGUE.
April 21, 1835.
Mr. Gage. My antiquarian bosom burns to explore
These relics of the art of men of yore.
Professor Sedgwick. Stay, my good sir ; control your zeal
or lose it.
This is no work of art ; 'tis a deposit.
Gage. Geologist, avaunt ! and hide your head ;
Ne'er was deposit thus deposited.
Sedgwick. I hold, despite your antiquarian pride,
That Bartlow's tallest hill is stratified.
G. Your theory of strata, sir, is rickety :
'Tis a Romano-Dano-Celt antiquity.
.& Sir, your antiquity's a joke to me :
'Twas left here by " the last catastrophe."
G. I tell you, sir, that Queen Boadicea
Killed fifty thousand men, and put them here.
S. Sir, throw your queens and battles to the dogs :
''Twas when the Deluge made the Gogmagogs.
Lady Braybrooke. O gentle swains ! be for a moment
mute,
For here is that will settle your dispute.
The spade proceeds, the earth is outward thrown,
And now at last we find a bit of bone.
G. Ha ! give it me. It is, upon my word,
A British heel chopped by a Roman sword.
S. No ; with your idle tales no longer weary 'em ;
'Tis a new fossil beast — the Bartlotherium.
NUCAE BARTLOVIANAE. 151
Dr. X. Now, gentlemen, since bones are my affair,
I, -as anatomist, the truth declare :
The bone is a heel-bone — observe it thus —
The beast, the Asinus domesticus.
No theorist is safe from trifling ills :
So the Lord and Lady of these hills
Pay, as becomes you, thanks and reverence due,
And then proceed to theorize anew.
April 17, 1838.
Where Bartlow's barrows of wondrous size
Stand side by -side to puzzle the wise,
In a certain year, on a certain day,
A voice was heard in the morning grey :
'Twas a grumbling, growling, muttering din,
Like a man who talks a box within ;
And it seemed to come, to the standers by,
From the center of one of the tumuli.
The language, as well as the ear could take it,
Was Latin — but such as a Briton would make it.
And this is a close translation penn'd
For Carolus Neville of Audley End : —
" Brother Icenius Crispus Caius ! —
Close together our friends did lay us,
Seventeen hundred years ago,
And our two cousins, all in a row ;
Tell me, Caius, how do you lie ?
Do you find any change as the years go by ?
Are you still in your quarters narrow,
Snug in the mould of the tall green barrow,
With the tears of your friends around you lying
In tiny jars to console you for dying ?
I've an awkward feel that the awkward air
Is making its way to my bones so bare ;
152 IN CAP AND GOWN.
It seems as if the sharp north-west
Were somehow getting within my chest ,
And if the cold very much increases,
I shall sneeze my barrow all to pieces.
Are you cold too ? I feel, by Bacchus !
An epidemic disease attacks us ;
And I really fear, as learned men say,
* A touch of a tumular influenza.' "
And another voice, from another hill,
Replied in a hoarser grumble still : —
" What ! O Jupiter !— Cousin Verus,
Haven't you heard what pass'd so near us ?
Poor Icenius, don't you know
They carried him off three years ago ?
Certain robbers, call'd antiquaries,
Came and disturbed his quiet Lares ;
Bored his barrow, and stole, alas !
His urns and bottles, his bronze and glass ;
His worship's chair, that he used to sit in
At the quarter sessions for Eastern Britain ;
His handsome funeral praefericulum ;
His wife's new-fashion'd enamel ridiculum ; *
Bagg'd the whole ! — it did not matter a
Pin whether vase, or lamp, or patera.
Even his bones, though stript of their clothing,
They took away, and left him nothing.
All are gone, — and the world may see 'em
Making a show in the Maynard Museum.
" And now I fear these folk intend
To rob you too, my respected friend ;
1 Resembling the modern reticule.
NUGAE BARTLOVIANAE. 153
And, following up their barbarous custom,
They've dug a hole to your very bustum ;
And that's the reason, or I'm mistaken,
You feel so bored, and so sadly shaken.
" It is really hard that one's very great age
Can't save one from prying Fellows like Gage ; *
When one comes to one's teens of centuries, clearly
One sliould not be treated so cavalierly.
" But since it is so, and the move's begun,
I trust we shall meet when all is done.
So, when near Caius you're set on the shelf,
Tell him I hope to be there myself;
And say that the thing which I doubt the least on
Is our coming together again at Easton" 2
WILLIAM WHEWELL.
1 John Gage, Esq., F.S.A.
2 Easton Lodge, the seat of Viscount Maynard, the proprietor of the
Bartlow Hills.
154 M CAP AND GOWN.
THE RAPE OF THE WHISKER.
In 1837, Temple Frere (who was unfortunately drowned in the Cain
three years later) cut off the whiskers of C. S. Stokes, of Trinity, under
circumstances which the following poem will render clear. In another
lampoon on the subject, called " Fuzwkiskiana," the names of the actors
in the tragedy are very thinly veiled, as these lines will show —
" Why didst thou close thy eyes, confiding S s?
A Cambridge man and yet not up to jokes !
None will deny, altho' his name I've hid it,
Free was his weapon, * freer ' he who did it ! "
WINE and the man I sing, who woke at morn,
And found, by some stern fate, his whisker shorn.
Say, muse divine, what unrelenting Fate
Pursued so fair a youth with such dark hate ?
Were not the common ills of life enough,
The blunted razor, and the beard too tough ?
WThy this last stroke, " the unkindest cut of all,'
Which bade the duly-cherished whiskers fall ?
Those whiskers, once> alas ! the boast of Trinity
On which their owner doated to infinity.
Say, O ye gyps, and ye too, ladies fair,
Whose gossip dwelt on " Mister Stiggins' hair,'
Did great Apollo, with his unshorn grace,
Envy the honours of that blooming face ?
Or wise Minerva, frowning at such vanity,
Lay low the darling pride of his insanity ?
THE RAPE OF THE WHISKER. 155
And came there as of old, from realms of air,
Some hostile Sylph, to violate the hair ?
Alas ! the bitter truth I would have shrunk
From telling, but — in fact, the youth was drunk.
For, who in sober mood, not over-bold,
Would seek a lion's den, a giant's hold?
Yet this youth ventured — oh, fit theme for bards —
To taunt the giant while he played at cards.
'Tis true, the giant was an infant still,
But yet no common Jack could such a giant kill ;
In mind and manner — scarce a three-months' child,
In bulk — a Pelion on Olympus piled.
Like bull at bay, while baiting bull-dogs bark,
Like crouching tiger, or like hungry shark,
Like dark volcano smouldering till the hour
Arrive to shew the world its hidden power,
So dark — so stern — so sullen sat the giant,
Quite silent, yet in temper far from pliant.
Meanwhile friend Stiggins never dreamt of battle,
But joked the Baby-giant on " his rattle."
But Fate impended, big with retribution,
And Sleep brought Stiggins into destitution.
Buried in wine and sleep — so Virgil sung —
So Stiggins lay, with snore-resounding lung.
Now, all good tipplers, take a timely warning ;
Remember that Repentance comes with morning.
For morning came, and sadly from his bed
Poor Stiggins crawled, and cursed his aching head.
But still he stept, as usual, to the glass
To see the whiskers, but a loud "Alas !"
Was all he uttered, as he looked again,
And yet once more he looked, and looked in vain.
Where was the whisker ? Perished was the grace,
156 IN CAP AND GOWN,
The nicely-balanced beauty of the face :
One side remained; but what could profit One?
'Twere better if together both had gone.
So reasoned Stiggins, feeling no slight wonder
To find his brother whiskers set asunder.
Sadly he mused on all the anxious toil,
The frequent shaving, and the fragrant oil,
Now all bestowed in vain. What precious plaster
Would quickest serve to heal the sore disaster ?
Not all Macassar could prevent alarm,
Nor all Circassia's cream, Columbia's palm.
Two sores were now to heal — the wounded face,
And wounded honour. For the first disgrace
Sad remedy was found, to send the other —
" His sole remaining joy " — to seek its brother.
'Twas hence the streets beheld, with wild affright,
Our ravished Hero (while he shunned the light)
Wandering, with covered head, and seeking harbour
He could not trim his locks without a barber !
The doctor came too, found no need of pill,
Yet pledged his written word, the Youth was ill.
A slight " Aegrotat" healed the injured face,
And saved the Youth from shewing his disgrace.
He next, as seems most proper, wrote a letter,
But People say he should have written better.
They may be right, or wrong — it might be clever,
Or might be stupid ; but it seems, however,
Its object, when he read it, did not cool-
Still less, when Stiggins came to call him Fool.
Great was the clamour, bitter was the wail,
When Stiggins dared at length to tell his tale :
The sons of John's and Trinity deplore,
And all the Union echoes with the roar.
For all who hoped for whiskers, dreamt of beard
THE RAPE OF THE WHISKER.
Listened, and while they listened, sadly feared :
Then each Adonis felt his cheek in pain,
And smiled to find the embryo hairs remain.
O gallant band of youths ! O noble Few !
Who can feed whiskers with Macassar dew,
O hear my counsel ; don't get drunk at night,
And don't provoke young giants to the fight ;
So shall you sleep at night, and wake at morn
Without an aching head, without a whisker shorn.
158 IN CAP AND GOWN.
EXTRA ORDINAR Y A STRONOMICAL
DISCOVERY.
A REMARKABLE and interesting discovery has just been made
at the Cambridge Observatory, by means of the splendid
telescope recently fitted up there, the liberal gift of a noble
and munificent Duke ; nor is the ingenious method pursued
in bringing this wonderful phenomenon to light less remark-
able than the novelty of the appearance of a body, whose
existence, though frequently suspected, had never been satis-
factorily established. It had long been supposed, that in
addition to the many small planetary bodies which revolve
at various distances round the glorious and brilliant sun of
Trinity College, and which are commonly known by the
name of minor establishments, or small colleges, there might
be some so small that their existence had never become
known to any member of Trinity. This idea received great
support from thejearned researches of the talented astro-
nomical observer, Professor Challis. In his paper " On the
True Law of Collegiate Distances," published in the Trans-
actions of the Cambridge Philosophical Society, he had
demonstrated the numerical law which regulates the distances
of the small colleges from the centre of the system. At the
same time he found that this law was in default in one place,
as the distance between Sidney and Jesus was greater than
that assigned by calculation. He conceived, therefore, that
it was highly probable that another college would be found
EXTRAORDINARY ASTRONOMICAL DISCOVERY. 159
somewhere in the interval. He had accordingly searched
long and carefully with the instruments which he then
possessed, but always without success, as their strength was
not sufficient to exhibit a body which now is known to be of
so small a size, and to shine with so feeble a light. But as
soon as the magnificent gift of the noble Duke was in a state
fit for working, he employed it with indefatigable zeal in the
search of this long suspected body. His efforts have now
been crowned with success ; and no greater proof need be
given of the excellence of this wonderful telescope, than the
fact of its having been able to detect a body so small that it
had eluded the observation of all previous astronomers.
This new body, which the researches of Professor Challis
have added to our system, is by far the smallest known,
being about one-half of the size of Sidney. The ratio of its
mass to that of Trinity, considered as unity, is '0000000012.
It has a dull leaden colour somewhat like St. John's, and
though its inhabitants have not yet been distinctly seen, from
sundry considerations they are conjectured to be of less size
than even those men of Emmanuel who have been seen.
These are all the particulars the learned Professor has as yet
been able to determine, but he is now employed in investi-
gating the latitude and longitude of its Hall and Chapel, if
indeed it do possess the latter. He conceived at one time
that he heard the sound of an organ, but as this is an
appendage unknown in any of the existing small colleges, it
is conjectured that so remarkable a deviation from the usual
nature of these bodies has no foundation in fact.
Never since the discovery of Olbers was there so great an
excitement among astronomers, as when the learned Professor
announced his discovery; and they are all now diligently
employed in searching the whole heavens in expectation
of finding another of these bodies, but as yet without
success. The highest credit is due to Professor Challis
ifio IN CAP AND GOWN.
for the ingenuity of reasoning by which he arrived at the
conclusion that such a body did exist, and the dexterity
by which he verified his suspicions ; and his name will be
handed down to posterity with those of Herschel, Olbers,
and Piazzi, as one of those who have done most for astro-
nomical science.
1838.
PROSPECTUS OF THE SOCIETY FOR THE
T RAN SLA TION OF CAMBRIDGE MA THE-
MATICAL BOOKS INTO INTELLIGIBLE
ENGLISH.
This "prospectus" which is said to have been written by D. F. Gregory,
Fellow of Trinity, will speak for itself. The only passage which calls
for comment is that in which the Society returns its "thanks to Mr.
Hopkins for the kindness with which he has favoured it with the use of
his private mamiscripts, from which so many of the works recently published
have been taken.'1'1 Mr. Hopkins was the Routh of his time, and from
1828 to 1849 inclusive, i.e. in twenty-two years, had among his pupils 175
wranglers. Of these 108 were in the first ten, 44 in the first three, and
1 7 were senior wranglers. Naturally, therefore, the manuscripts of Mr.
Hopkins would throw considerable light upon the mathematical works
published in Cambridge during the second quarter of the present century.
AT a time like the present, when the extension of scientific
education has created so great a demand for mathematical
works in the English language, the expectations of the public
were naturally directed towards the University of Cambridge,
as the fountain from which the stream of knowledge was to
be supplied ; and, from the scientific reputation of so many
of its members, the highest anticipation has been formed.
Considerable disappointment, however, has ensued, on its
being found that, from the singularity of dialect which pre-
vails among the works published at this University, together
with other sources of studied obscurity, these works are
M
162 IN CAP AND GOWN.
wholly unintelligible to people at large unconnected with
Cambridge. Fear has even been entertained that the
imperishable works of a Miller, a Hymers, an Earnshaw,
a Phelps, an Ottley, and a Hall, may be obscured in the
eyes of posterity, by the language in which they are written
being no longer understood. Animated by these con-
siderations, and anxious to rescue the University from the
opprobrium which must fall upon her, should the produc-
tions of her illustrious offspring be allowed to fall into
oblivion, a Society has been formed, for the purpose of
endeavouring to put these works within the reach of
ordinary comprehensions, by translating the most admired
of them into the vernacular tongue. These translations it
is proposed to bring out at no stated intervals, but as rapidly
as the difficulty of the task will allow, and the following
will be the principal objects kept in view in the Society's
publications.
I. To translate the letter-press into the English language.
In performing which task, the Society will not consider
itself restricted to the ordinary proportion of one line of
explanation to seven pages of symbols.
II. To correct the numerous errata which disfigure the
fair pages of these works, and in particular to collate them
carefully with the original authors from whom they have
been copied, either with or without acknowledgment The
Society begs to return its sincere thanks to Mr. Hopkins,
for the kindness with which for this purpose he has favoured
it with the use of his private manuscripts, from which so many
of the works recently published have been taken. The
Society hopes that, by paying particular attention to the
printing department, the list of errata will be so small,
that it shall not require more than four supplementary sheets
of small type for each volume.
III. Where possible, to discover and explain the author's
THE TRANSLATION OF MATHEMATICAL BOOKS. 163
meaning in those passages where he does not seem to have
fully comprehended it himself.
IV. To correct errors in analysis, and to supply those
omissions which appear to have arisen from the accident
of the author, in copying, having turned over two pages
instead of one. In connection with this, the Society much
regrets that persons ignorant of a foreign language should
attempt to copy from the works of Continental writers, as
they have thereby been reduced to the necessity of copying
the analysis alone, without the accompaniment of the corre-
sponding explanation.
V. Inasmuch as, from the language used in these works
being ill-adapted for continuous prose, they are never accom-
panied by prefaces, the Society in the translations (where
the same difficulty will not occur) will take care to have
suitable prefaces prepared by competent persons, who may
have read through the various works, and have been able,
so far as possible, to understand them.
The Society will be happy to receive offers of literary
assistance (with the terms), and any communications which
may tend to further the objects of the Society. In particular,
authors are invited to give their opinions as to the inter-
pretation of difficult passages in their own works, but the
Society does not pledge itself to be always guided by their
views.
The first number of the Society's publications will contain
" Miller's Differential Calculus." It will appear some time
within the next ten or twenty years ; and when the difficulty
of the task is considered, and when it is remembered, that
for the accurate execution of the work the Society will have
to examine one hundred and seventy-three works on the
same subject, which have issued from the Cambridge Press,
besides some minor works of Trench and other writers ; and
164 IN CAP AND GOWN.
moreover, since from the statistical tables of the last five
years it appears that seventeen treatises per annum on the
" Differential Calculus " may be expected, all of which must
also be examined, this time will not be deemed excessive.
The Society prefers this plain statement to the modern
practice of announcing works for ten years in the Cambridge
Calendar, as " in the press, and shortly will be published."
A future object of the Society will be, the translation
of these works into other modern languages, that foreign
nations may be able to participate in the rapid progress
which Mathematical Science is making in this University.
CAMBRIDGE, November 2 1, 1838.
C 105
SA TURD A Y EVENING.
In the Lent Term, 1838, the masters and seniors of Trinity College
issued a new regulation, to the effect "that all undergraduates, scholars •,
and foundation scholars do' attend chapel eight times at least in every week,
that is twice on Sunday and once on every other day," and that after three
reprimands from the dean, tutcr, and master, ' ' the offender shall, ipso
facto, be removed from the college either entirely or for one or more terms"
In self-defence the undergraduates established a club, which they called
"The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Undergraduates" the
primary object of which was to mark the attendance of the dons in chapel.
The results, issued in tabular form with printed comments, were published
weekly, and though they attained a wide circulation, all attempts at fixing
the authorship on individuals failed. The Society claimed to be as
"anxious to reward merit as to punish immorality" and it therefore
proposed a prize to be given to that one among the fellows who was most
regular in his attendance at chapel. At the end of the term a class-list
was issued, in which the junior and senior deans stood first. They,
however, were disqualified from receiving the prize, as attendance at
chapel was obviously their duty. It was, therefore, given to the third
on the list, C. Perry, afterwards Bishop of Melbourne. After the
publication of the papers for six weeks, the master and seniors with-
drew the most obnoxious of the regulations. There can be no doubt that
the dons were exceeding their right in imposing the penalties they did
for non-attendance at chapel. The statute of the college is quite
explicit on the subject. It required all members of the college to attend
every statrrtable service, i.e. every morning in the week as well as the
evenings of Sundays and saints' days. The following penalties are
set down as attaching to non-attendance. Fellows are to be fined three
halfpence for every absence, bachelor scholars one penny, undergraduates
above eighteen one halfpenny, while undergraduates under eighteen are
to suffer corporal punishment at the hands of the dean in the college
hall. The scale of punishment proposed in the present year was entirely
166 IN CAP AND GOWN.
different. From the mass of squibs, for the most part disgracefully
scurrilous, which the dispute called forth, we print " Saturday Evening"
which was published in the form of a leaflet.
Air — "If you're waking, call me early."
A Trinity man You must mind and call me early — call me early, d'ye hear?
gypHwdfgives For I in morning chapel to-morrow must appear :
Sued5 for chapel. 'Twill be the first on Sunday morning that ever I did keep ;
Then I'll run to bed again, and try once more to sleep.
The Master's notice came to me — it came and took away
My breath when first I read it, and my spirits all the day ;
New rules are now in force, my gyp, and we for ever lose
The Sunday morning breakfast, and the Sunday morning
snooze.
He dwells with Time was we did just as we liked ; we lay in bed all day,
state of happf-st And Sunday made a day of rest, as who denies we may ?
And Saturday night we played at whist, and we sat playing on
Till the stars had ceased their twinkling, and the day began
to dawn.
and pours out There's scarce a Don that ever goes; the Master lies in
the vials of his hi=>rl •
wrath on those
rurbedaavneddde- X onty wish * had him here— by Jove, I'd break his head !
stroyedit. j wjsn Lmxl Radnor 'd see and get a commission from the
Queen ;
I long so much to see 'em here to worry well the Dean.
it now strikes Small college men will crow at us from each obscure
him on a sudden
that dishonour retreat,
will come upon 1111 t i •» i i i'i ••
his college j and And e en sleek snobs make bold to sneer while passing in
he becomes in a ,
moment a hero, tnC Street j
anactyto0rthesnew And Trinity's great glories will fly, never to return—
order of things, -g^ j ^ ^^ alone> mv gypj tnese cmel rules to SpUrru
SATURDAY EVENING. 167 .
And when I'm rusticated, and when snug at home I sleep, and prepared to
The poor, poor Devils will, I hope, each Sunday chapel
keep;
Before the clock strikes eight, be seen early at the door,
When B - s is warm asleep and Dons most comfortably
snore.
*****
A train of reason-
You'll come to call me, mind you, some time before 'tis nf
show is not com-
municated to thq
And you'll look in once afterwards, for fear I should be late ;
You needn't pull the clothes off— I shall hear you as you
tread, resistance. Ha
' reverts to his
With that big heavy foot of yours all round about my bed. original intention
3 J J of being called
in the morning ;
I've been six times and more this week, but that won't and having be-
nevolently sug-
answer now : gested to the gyp
a source of con-
If I m not there to-morrow, I shall get into a row. soiation, in the
Well, well; you needn't care, though rustication be my doom, come 'impro-
bable, of his own
Yorfll get another master when another takes my room. rustication,
" Get up, get up," when you have cried, — " get up, the bell's
begun,"
And when, unwashed, unshaved, half-dressed, to chapel I
have run,
Don't let Mrs. Newcome make my bed before I have come
out;
For I shall want to sleep again, there cannot be a doubt.
he proceeds to
You'll find some trousers lying at the bottom of the drawer ;
You may take 'em ; they are yours ; I shall never wear 'em re^t
more. robe. Meanwhile
the excitement
But wait — before you go — don't for goodness' sake forget under which he
J . 3 . . ,. ° at first laboured
To air my shirt and stockings, which came in to-day so wet. seems to subside,
and his indigna-
tion to evaporate.
1 68 IN CAP AND GOWN.
You may go : you'll come and call me, mind, some time
before 'tis eight;
I sleep so sound, that of myself I never wake till late,
But I in morning chapel to-morrow must appear,
So mind and call me early — call me early, d'ye hear ?
169
A (VERY) FREE IMITATION OF THE
FIRST ECLOGUE OF VERGIL*
The following poem, as well as the sketches entitled " Characters of Fresh-
men" appeared in theil Cambridge University Magazine," vol. i., 1840 — a
periodical which, under the title of " The Symposium" came out first in
March, 1839. // was published twice a term, No. XII. , the last issue,
appearing in October, 1842. G. Brimley, C. B. Wilcox, and W. M. W.
Call -were among the contributors. The term " giilfd" in line 27, is
equivalent to the more modern "ploughed y " while the " wooden spoon"
which was and still is presented to the last of the " jtmior ops" who
form the third class of the Mathematical Tripos, is too well known to
need explanation.
DIALOGUE BETWEEN SMART AND WALKER, Two CANTABS,
B.A. OF A FEW MONTHS' STANDING.
SCENE.— The Walks.
WALKER.
You lie reclined, friend Smart, at ease
Beneath these old wide-spreading trees,
And calmly sum, embowVd in shade,
Your profits from your pupils made :
But I, poor dog, obliged to start
To-morrow from fair Learning's mart,
1 The precise date of this translation is uncertain. Consequently it
is unknown to which year's Tripos Mr. Walker belongs.
170 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Forth from my college studies hurl'd,
Am turn'd adrift upon the world,
While you in literary leisure
Can in these gardens take your pleasure,
And con with cool untroubled eye
The mysteries of x and y.
SMART.
E'en so, friend Walker, as you see,
Thanks to my capital degree !
To mathematics, as you know,
My fame and fellowship I owe ;
(And long shall shine my glory's taper,
Lit by the Cambridge Tripos paper) —
Hence with the Dons I daily dine,
In Combination-room sip wine.
W.
I trust to keep all envy under,
And yet must own you raise my wonder ;
So many of the men I know
Were "flummox'd" at the last great-go;
E'en I, the young hope of my college,
In spite of all my skill and knowledge,
Was well-nigh gulf d, unlucky loon,
And lighted on the wooden spoon.
I might have look'd for this disaster,
Remembering how my cross old master
Said, "You'll do better when you're older,"
And wish'd it — over his left shoulder,
Winking the while with malice sly : —
But how came you to stand so high ?
IMITATION OF THE FIRST ECLOGUE. 171
S.
I used to fancy, like a fool,
Cambridge was like the country school
Where I long since spent many a day,
In boyish tasks and boyish play. .
I thought the University
Of course must somewhat larger be ;
A dog is large, a puppy small —
In size they differ — that is all ! —
So till I hither came — no later —
I thought ! — but with great Alma Mater,
Blessing and glory of our nation,
The minor seats of education
Can no more stand comparison
Than can a Whig with Wellington.
W.
True, Smart — but say (you won't refuse)
What first to college turn'd your views.
S.
When my first pair of whiskers curl'd,
I thought 'twas time to see the world,
So left my master in the lurch,
And took my leave of tasks and birch ;
For I was eager to be free
From school and all its drudgery,
Where, plod however I might plod,
I work'd for nothing but the rod.
W.
And so you bade to school adieu,
Although the master's fruit for you
172 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Hung on the trees, a tempting prey :
To school — where your initials may,
Carved by your pocket-knife, I ween,
On desks and benches still be seen.
S.
What could I better, O my friend,
Than hitherward my footsteps bend ?
Here first to Optics, Hydrostatics,
And the whole range of Mathematics,
In earnest I gave up my mind,
And now the rich reward I find :
At yearly audit I my share
May claim, and feast on Fellows' fare..
W.
Ah, lucky dog ! in learned pride,
In college you may still reside,
Unplagued by what your friend befals,
Far exiled from old Granta's walls :
Of beef and mutton you your fill
May eat, and dread no butcher's bill.
Ah, lucky dog ! you still may dream
Nigh sluggish Cam's familiar stream —
Still nigh the shaded ditch that bounds
The Trinity and Johnian grounds,
The bawling hear of hoarse bargees,
Or blackbirds whistling in the trees.
IMITATION OF THE FIRST ECLOGUE. 173
s
Sooner shall King's men1 wranglers be,
Or Hobson's Conduit run with tea,
Or Downing College be transferr'd
To Magd'len bridge, " which is absurd,"
Than I become so base a traitor
As to forget dear Alma Mater.
W.
But we unable here to stay,
Must each begone his sev'ral way.
Confined in schools to fag and sweat,
As ushers some their bread will get ;
Some with advent'rous daring fired,
Will emigrate, — and some retired
Far from the world, as country curates,
Will learn to talk of beeves and poor-rates.
Ah, Granta ! shall it ever be
That I once more shall visit thee ?
Once more admire King's turrets tall
Down-looking upon fair Clare Hall ?
Must a new undergraduate race
Of Sophs and Freshmen fill my place,
To all my haunts and toil succeed —
In College keep — for honours read ? —
Now, Walker, on your Newton pore,
Now scrawl your scribbling paper o'er !
1 For the information of country friends, it may be right' to state that
no satire is here intended. King's College men do not try for mathe-
matical honours, because, owing to a peculiar composition between their
college and the university, they are admitted to their B.A. degree with-
out any university examination.
174- W CAP AND GOWN.
Alas ! the labour now were vain —
I cannot run my course again !
No more in Senate-house shall I
My skill in solving problems try :
No more, by glory onward beckon'd,
Hope 'mongst the wranglers to be reckon'd !
Now farewell, pupils ! farewell, fame !
I off the boards have ta'en my name.
Yet come what will hereafter, stay,
And dine with me in hall to-day ;
Then at my rooms your evening spend,
And sup on college fare, old friend-
Cold lamb and sallad, bread and cheese,
And ale and grog, so if you please. —
But hark ! the welcome bell I hear
Proclaims that dinner-time is near ;
The walks are emptied at the call,
And hungry loungers flock to hall.
J.G.
CHARACTERS OF FRESHMEN.
BY THEOPHRASTUS THINGEMBOB.
No. I. — THE STUDIOUS FRESHMAN.
THE Studious Freshman cometh up red-hot from school, and
thinketh much of astonishing the cosines. He considereth
himself now decidedly a man ; and hath lurking desires that
he is also a great man. He calleth with the governor upon
the College Tutor, who inhumanly throweth cold water
upon the governor's confident prediction that his son will
be senior wrangler. He hieth forth with the College Tutor,
and getteth him becapped and begowned. He getteth a
very long gown, vainly supposing that it betokeneth a very
long head. He putteth on his gown inside out, and his
cap back foremost. Nevertheless, he paradeth the streets
considerably that day, nothing doubting that all are admir-
ing him, though he wondereth not a little that the people
laugh so at him. He goeth to hall, and requesteth his neigh-
bour to carve for him. He purloineth his neighbour's pota-
toes. He drinketh small beer and sizeth not. He repaireth
to — — 's, and spendeth the five pounds his uncle gave him
in books. He buyeth one dozen of Cambridge port, half
a dozen of Cambridge sherry, and wondereth he cannot
prevail on the wine-merchant to let him pay. He keepeth
fourteen chapels a-week. He beginneth to read at seven in
the morning, and leaveth off at eleven at night ; and findeth
176 IN CAP AND GOWN.
that he knoweth not what he hath been reading about. He
taketh ferocious constitutional walks. He writeth for all
the University and College Prizes, and sitteth for all the
University and College Scholarships, but getteth none. He
pulverizeth the ass's bridge in lecture, and thinketh him-
self a genius. He respondeth to and argueth with the
'ecturer familiarly. He goeth to a small bitch-party,1 and
findeth his new gown taken " by mistake." He calleth it
stealing, and is laughed at. He seeth not the lions of
Cambridge for the first term. He maketh no acquaintance,
readeth atrociously, goeth home ill, and ultimately turneth
out a Junior Op.
No. II— THE FLAT FRESHMAN.
The Flat Freshman asketh the Boots at the Hoop to
recommend him a good college to go to.2 He appeareth
in a white choaker, aspiring shirt-collars, penurious breeches,
and antediluvian cut-away coat. He goeth to Hall in
his surplice. He sitteth in the Fellows' seats at Chapel.
He putteth his cap on the wrong way. He receiveth a note
asking him to wine with his Tutor, and going, findeth it a
hoax. He sendeth a present of a Yorkshire ham to the
Master of his College.3 He cappeth every big-wig and
Fellow-Commoner whom he chanceth to meet. He speaketh
deferentially unto his bedmaker. He taketh his walking-
stick out when becapped and begowned. He walketh out
ten miles into the country in his academical toggery. He
calleth his private tutor " Sir." He goeth out by himself
on the fifth of November. He buyeth much wine on the
recommendation of a Cambridge wine-merchant, who
assureth him he hath very little left of such prime brew.
He hangeth out a box of cigars. He biddeth high for
1 A Jtea-party. 2 Fact. 3 Fact.
CHARACTERS OF FRESHMEN. 177
books at sales, and findeth he could have got them for half
the money at shops. He subscribeth to the " Symposium."
He ordereth supper whenever his friends require him, and
findeth he hath a nice little bill to pay the college cook.
He standeth up during the singing at St. Mary's, and dis-
covereth not his error till the rest rise, when he sitteth down
in confusion. He getteth cheated much, but suspecteth it
not. He considereth the whigs a very respectable kind of
people, and Saint John's a very bigoted college. He goeth
to sign a petition for the admission of dissenters, and findeth
he hath signed one for their exclusion, by mistake. He
playeth at cards, and loseth not a little. He thinketh his
own College the best in the University, and himself the
sharpest fellow in it. He goeth home in the vacation, and
taketh his gown with him in a blue bundle,1 to show mamma
how he looketh therein (which is flatter than he suspecteth).
He walketh about the town with only his cap on. He
buyeth him a dog, of a gentleman in top-boots and game-
keeper's garb, who warneth him not to let it be 'ticed away.
Nevertheless he loseth it in a day or two, and is not a
little astonished at seeing the runaway brought home by his
brother from Oxford, whither he supposeth it must have
migrated from a desire to see the world. Being acciden-
tally surprised by a row in the street, he getteth knocked
down by a snob, and immediately seized upon by the
Proctor and rusticated, sine die, as a disorderly character.
And so the Flat Freshman goeth home in disgrace.
No. III. — THE CONCEITED FRESHMAN.
The Conceited Freshman may be known by his pea-coat,
long greasy hair, eye-glass, and ante-meridian cigar, these
being the accoutrements wherewith he astonisheth the weak
1 Fact.
1 78 IN CAP AND GOWN.
minds of the snobs and snobesses daily on the King's
Parade. He nourisheth moustaches, and pretendeth that
he really hath not had time to shave that day. He gesticu-
lateth incessantly with an ebony walking-stick, having a
large silk tassel appended thereunto. He cocketh his hat
over his right eyebrow, and twisteth the hair on each side of
his face into ropes, wherewith to draw the belles. He goeth
to King's Chapel during the service, and strutteth up and
down the middle of the ante-chapel, with his gown hanging
from his elbows, and fully believing that he is universally
admired. In Hall he endeavoureth to attract notice by
talking loud, standing up to carve, wearing an obsolete
gown, swearing at the waiters, and smashing plates. On
Sunday evenings he walketh alone along Trumpington road,
facing the crowd, and mistaketh their laugh of contempt for
a smile of admiration. He telleth all his friends how he is
really very clever, though they may possibly not perceive it ;
and hinteth that were it not for the mathematics, he should
surprise some persons by his place in the Classical Tripos.
He hangeth his room with sundry domestic experiments in
painting, and throweth out insinuations that the fair artist
thereof was hopelessly enamoured of his own sweet self.
He thinketh it a capital joke to finish the "tail of his
cigar " in the ante-chapel, and then to walk into chapel with
his surplice unbuttoned. He hath at all times a great
antipathy to the toga, the same being incompatible with the
display of his figure and cut-away coat. In Lectures he
committeth very atrocious blunders, and desireth to make
his friends believe that he did so on purpose. Being too
clever to do like the rest at the first College Examination,
he getteth posted, and so posteth off home, looking rather
smaller than he did when he first came up.
CHARACTERS OF FRESHMEN. 179
No. IV. — THE FAST FRESHMAN.
The Fast Freshman buyeth a gig and a boat the first
week of his arrival, and calleth them his rattle-traps. He
ordereth a cut-away coat on a new principle, which he
setteth off with a scarlet choaker (overwhelming his shirt-
collars), pea-green Dutch slacks, thin-soled Wellingtons,
two gold rings, and a shocking bad cap and gown. He
swaggereth past the Master of his College with a cigar in his
mouth, and without capping him — and getteth a swingeing
imposition for his pains. He rideth to Newmarket, regard-
less of hall, during race week. He keepeth nine chapels
the first week ; and only two the next, finding it considered
as a slow thing. Being asked his name and college by
the Proctor, he answereth, "Snooks of All Saints." He
engageth a private tutor, but only visiteth him twice in the
term. He getteth through little reading and much wine.
He becometh a member of his College Boat Club, being
partial to "a hoar." He fighteth lustily on the fifth of
November, though he knoweth not for why, and telleth the
Proctor to be d — d. He maketh a point of being " gated "
nightly. He rejoiceth in surmounting his brain-pan with a
very small piece of cap, the " timber " of which he smasheth
and extracteth piece-meal, thinking, no doubt, that there is
enough wood already in the upper works. He keepeth
a large dog. He contracteth debts with all the wine-
merchants and none of the booksellers in the town. He
never goeth to church on Sunday. He never dineth in
hall. He getteth rebuked for his expenses by the College
Tutor, and taken from the University by his father at the
end of his first term. He prideth himself in assuring his
governor that he knew half the men in every college, and
facetiously narrateth how that he made a false start in
i8o IN CAP AND GOWN.
reading when he first came up, but will never do so again
on any consideration, — to which determination he most
meritoriously adhereth.
No. V. — THE POOR FRESHMAN.
The Poor Freshman buyeth a second-hand gown when
he arriveth. He taketh the furniture of his apartment at
a valuation, and contenteth himself therewith. He sizeth
not in hall. He weareth blue worsted stockings and
hob-nailed shoes. He appeareth in a chocolate-coloured
coat and drab trousers. He subscribeth to Stevenson's
library. He always walketh out in cap and gown, having
no hat. He adverttseth for pupils on very moderate terms,
but getteth none. He drinketh no wine, and taketh in only
one butter per diem. He writeth his mathematics on a
slate, to save paper. He hath tea directly after chapel.
He recommendeth himself by his diligence to his College
Tutor, who procureth him an exhibition. He standeth high
in his college examinations, and getteth a scholarship. He
is despised and caricatured by the men of his college, and
unknown to the rest. He maketh few, but attached and
kind friends. He getteth washed, booked, clothed, grubbed,
breaded, buttered, beered, and pocket-monied at the ex-
pense of his College, to the great benefit of the governor's
purse, and the relief of a poor sister, to whom he manageth
to despatch an odd ten-pound out of his savings every
Christmas. He always appeareth healthy, light-hearted,
and happy, to the astonishment of the "fast birds." He
persevereth in his studies silently unto the end, and turneth
out Senior Wrangler — by which both he and his family are
rich to the end of their lives.
CHARACTERS OF FRESHMEN. 181
No. VI. — THE HOME-BRED FRESHMAN.
The Home-bred Freshman, being suddenly emancipated
from small nursery thraldom, plungeth headlong into college
life much as a raw beef-steak doth into the frying-pan. He
is bewildered with the transition from the pinafore to the
toga, and looketh upon his recent elevation in the world in
somewhat the same light that a butterfly regardeth its elope-
ment from the chrysalis. He immediately contracteth a
furious friendship with the unhappy second-year man, whom
the Tutor hath considerately saddled with the green-horn
(besides about twenty others) ; and can hardly credit the
catalogue of liberties which he hath recited unto him, par-
ticularly touching the late hour of ten for closing the gates,
and the delightful privilege of going to bed whenever he
liketh. Having now more pounds in his pocket than ever
he had halfpence before, he exhibiteth a marvellous ignorance
of the ratio which a pound doth bear unto a halfpenny, and
an inclination to disencumber himself of his first allowance
with a brave celerity quite enchanting to certain flat-catchers
of his College. He ordereth him a superfluity of smart
clothes, handsome furniture, and costly books ; not as yet
sufficiently discriminating between ordinary prices and
Cambridge prices. He is entranced at the obliging con-
fidence of tradesmen in allowing tick, and hesitateth not
to run up many pretty little bills, all of which he directeth
with delectable nonchalance to be sent in to the Tutor.
Being peculiarly innocent in the ways of the world, he getteth
readily entrapped by a clique of " deuced pleasant fellows,"
who kindly press upon him their services in teaching him
" the right sort of thing," merely requesting, in return, his
frequent company at agreeable card-parties, where they
playfully relieve him of his superfluous cash. Being invited
1 82 IN CAP AND GOWN.
to " champagne and loo " at the Pigeon and Fleece, he
findeth, with a feeling of shame, that to be fuddled with
three glasses is considered a very slow thing ; and resolveth
to practise drinking daily in private, by which magnanimous
determination he soon learneth to " stand " as much Cam-
bridge alcohol as the most approved red-no§ed topers in the
University. He now swaggereth about the horrid tyranny
of "the governor," and protesteth that the nursery is de-
cidedly unfit for a man of spirit. He escheweth all books
(except novels) after the first fortnight, and becometh, in
that short space, transformed from an interesting specimen
of the " flat freshman " into a fine sample of the genus " fast
freshman " (both which animals we did accurately delineate
in Number Three of our popular Periodical). In fine, the
Home-bred Freshman, never having met with temptations in
life, seldom knoweth how to resist the numerous allurements
to vice, which are presented all at once unto his irresolute
mind, (and which indeed have not been far overdrawn by
the unpopular Mister Beverley x) : so that he eventually
getteth into such a scrape as can only be atoned for by
immediate rustication ; at the intelligence of which mamma
and sisters turn white, the governor looketh black, and the
culprit himself, however green he may have been at first,
now findeth it high time to begin to look decidedly " blue. :3
No. VII. — THE PESTILENT FRESHMAN.
The Pestilent Freshman is a kind of practical amplifica-
tion of the school pickle — a sort of locomotive pepper-box,
whose delight is in bespattering the Dons with pungent jokes,
and tickling them with unseasonable waggery. He is only
a modification of the " Fast Freshman ; " the chief difference
1 See above, p. 134.
CHARACTERS OF FRESHMEN. 183
being that while the latter maketh a fool of himself, the former
maketh fools of others. He is the dread and annoyance
of all the College authorities, against whom he is constantly
engaged in discharging a battery of unwarrantable wit. If
of St. John's (which hath had the honour of nurturing several
excellent specimens of Pestilent Freshmen), he investeth the
stone eagle over the new gateway with a surplice, and poketh
a walking-stick into his claw ; he tieth spectacles on to the
swans' beaks, and setteth them adrift on the river to enjoy
the benefit of their " new light ; " he twisteth a Conservative
flag on an inaccessible pinnacle, and laugheth hugely at the
ineffectual efforts of the porter to tear down the same. He
putteth a night-cap on Lady Margaret, and chamber-pots on
the lamp-posts; with numerous other funny pranks, very
amusing to himself, but equally offensive to the gravity of
the Dons. He goeth to the market and selecteth sundry large
tea services of yellow pottery-ware, desiring them to be sent
immediately to the Rev. Mr. A. of St. John's, or the Rev.
Mr. B. of Trinity, as it may be, (giving the names of certain
College Tutors), to be paid for on delivery ; by which suc-
cessful joke half the Dons of his College are agreeably sur-
prised to find their doors barricadoed with extensive assort-
ments of vulgar crockery, all domestic appurtenances duly
included. He delighteth in sending other Freshmen to the
top of Castle Hill to see the term divide at midnight. He
taketh lessons from other pestilent practitioners in " screwing
in " the Deans, and painting the doors of the Lecturers' rooms
red. He is very pugnacious, and walking in the streets
suddenly turneth and asketh a huge snob " what the deuce
he meant by that?" Whereat the snob (having done
nothing at all) coolly answereth (as the Pestilent Freshman
intended he should), "Hooky Walker," provocative of a
combat, of which the snob soon getteth a bellyfull, being
no match for his practised antagonist. He goeth into
1 84 IN CAP AND GOWN.
chapel with a white sheet over his shoulders instead of a
surplice, and substituted sundry popular songs for the
anthem-books of the choristers. He taketh much credit
unto himself for making the organ-blower drunk, and other-
wise discomposing the service. He is constantly lounging
about the College in a pea-coat, with his hands buried in the
pockets thereof, staring in the face of the Dons whom he
meeteth (and he meeteth them purposely), and whistling an
insubordinate kind of ditty, to indicate his defiance of them.
He procureth him a fiddle and goeth round in the dead of
night, tweaking the catgut in every staircase of the College,
by which he bringeth a very unpleasant scrape upon himself
as well as his somnolent hearers. He delighteth in incurring
the displeasure of the College authorities, and setteth at
nought the penalties imposed. When " gated to six o'clock "
for a week, he systematically absenteth himself from College
until one, and when asked for his imposition, coolly sendeth
word to the Dean that he hath not yet received it from his
amanuensis. And the Pestilent Freshman continueth his
obnoxious career until he either findeth that College is not
the place wherein to display school tricks, or getteth a
serious warning from the Master and Seniors, or taketh more
to his books and less to his jokes, or groweth grave by dis-
covering that College Examinations are " no jokes," or, in
fine (which is usually the case), findeth it expedient to post
off to Oxford, to kick his heels there, and practise waggery
upon the Dean of Christ Church, or similar deserving
objects.
CHARACTERS OF FRESHMEN. 18=
No. VIII. — THE MUSICAL FRESHMAN.
The Musical Freshman we do incline to classify a<, a
distinct species, although considered by, most Freshman-
ologists as perfectly identical with the Pestilent Freshman.
Moreover, we do deem it vastly essential to pourtray the
genuine Musical Freshman accurately, seeing that there be
no small number of pretenders as sham Musical Freshmen ;
for verily most Freshmen, if asked, will arrogate unto them-
selves that popular appellation. The genuine Musical
Freshman, then, is generally likewise a home-bred as well
as a pestilent freshman; music being an "extra" rarely
taught (except by the birch rod) in schools. He may be
known by having his rooms crammed like an Egyptian
catacomb with a peculiar kind of lumber, strongly resembling
mummy cases, and containing the bodies of defunct fiddles
and superannuated wind-instruments. He always sporteth a
pianoforte, and seldom less than four flutes, wherewith he
keepeth up such a perpetual " pother o'er the heads " of the
unhappy students underneath, as to compel them two or three
times a week to fire pistols up their chimneys as a counter-
blast to the hideous annoyance. He never goeth to hear
the sacred music in the college chapels (pronouncing it
"execrable"); but invariably payeth his seven-and-sixpence
to hear Italian ditties squalled, and slip-shod fantasias
attempted, at concerts, upon which he delivereth elaborate
critiques to his admiring friends for a month afterwards.
He is perpetually humming and whistling tunes, at the end
of which he ejaculateth, " splendid thing that ! " or " sweet
air this ! " He hath a whole library of obsolete music, which
he palmeth off as a " glorious collection," though he knoweth
not the contents of one-tenth, he having purchased them
great bargains at sales. He ordereth coffee and fiddles for
i86 IN CAP AND GOWN.
four, for the purpose of favouring the whole court with what
he is pleased to dignify by the name of a " quartett ; " after
which he inflicteth on the company an " original " com-
position of his own, which (albeit it smelleth strongly of
plagiarisms from Jem Crow and the Dead March in Saul)
is nevertheless highly applauded. In his second term
the Musical Freshman becometh emboldened to hang out
a "septett" in the same style; wherein No. i puffeth the
flute, No. 2 punisheth the pianoforte, No. 3 tweaketh the
fiddle, No. 4 pummelleth the drum, No. 5 murdereth
the violoncello, No. 6 grunteth on the bassoon, and No. 7
playeth variations with his closed hand in imitation of the
French horn ; when the Dean unhappily breaketh in upon
them, and gateth the drummer as a public nuisance for
a month, and the rest for a week each, desiring them
severally not to be so unpleasantly musical in future.
No. IX. — THE SPORTING FRESHMAN.
Of Sporting Freshmen there be annually imported many
from the country into the University. They being usually
high-breds we do therefore incline to consider them as
a cross-breed between the Fast Freshman and the Home
Freshman, though partaking mostly of the former character.
The genuine Sporting Freshman doth of necessity keep
him one horse at the least, with the paraphernalia, or rattle-
traps whereof he not unfrequently garnisheth the walls of
his room, thereby assimilating it as far as possible into a
stable; which interesting illusion he heighteneth by a
judicious disposition of whips, spurs, hunting pictures, racing
cards and similar miscellaneous knick-knackery pertaining
unto horsemanship, besides many guns, fishing-rods, and
other rural vanities. Indeed, we did personally know one
CHARACTERS OF FRESHMEN. 187
very Sporting Freshman, who kept his hunting-saddle and
leather breeches constantly on his book-shelf. The Sporting
Freshman knoweth the pedigree of every horse and the
name of every black-leg at Newmarket, — of the latter,
indeed, he sometimes knoweth to his cost more than the
mere names. He never toucheth a book of any kind by
any chance or under any circumstances ; his governor, the
Squire, having assured him that he never learned how to
worm a dog', or sit in a saddle from Arrian or Xenophon,
and therefore opineth that his hopeful son will not feel the
want of them either, — indeed, he rather questioneth whether
those worthies knew too much about the matter. As to Euclid,
he shrewdly abjureth it ; most wisely concluding that a man
of spirit wanteth no straight lines except those which he
cutteth across country, and no circles beyond such as are
described round a race-course. For divinity — why, he never
so much as goeth near a church except in a steeple-chase.
He is constantly talking vociferously at dinner-time, to a
party of " sporting birds " about the old mare, or the bay
colt, or the grey filly, or the chestnut something; and re-
counteth to them what and who he met in his ride that
morning, with every particular (saving and excepting the
precise number of posts he ran against, or of tumbles he got).
He is soon well known at all the livery stables, where he
runneth many bills up and many horses down. He in-
dulgeth likewise in shooting in a small way, going out and
scaring the blackbirds most magnanimously, but not as yet
venturing to pop at more aspiring game, lest he should
himself be popped upon by certain obnoxious keepers in the
neighbourhood, which verily would be no game at all. He
always weareth a cut-away coat, and red or green shawl
by way of choaker. He even sporteth a red coat in his
second term, which unlawful vestment being quickly pounced
upon by .the Tutor, is sent home to the governor as a
1 88 IN CAP AND GOWN.
notification that the owner is afflicted with a severe scarlet
fever, and as a proof of his advancement in polite letters ;
whereupon the said governor immediately sendeth it back
to the son, commending his good taste, and telling him
that health, air, and exercise are worth all musty, fusty Greek
books and rubbishing mathematics in the University, or
the universe either, — in which old-fashioned opinion of the
governor's we assuredly do most particularly coincide.
OHE, JAM SATIS.
( 189 )
THE VISION OF ST. BRAHAMUS.
TOUCHING THE RESTORATION OF MONASTERIES.
"Cujus velut aegri somnia vanae
Fingentur species."
In 1843, J* Brame, of St. John's, brought forward a motion at the
Union, " That the suppression of monasteries by Henry VIII* has been
most injurious to the country, and the circumstances of the present
time imperatively demand the restoration of similar institutions.'1'' The
motion was carried, after a debate which lasted three nights, by 88 to 60.
Mr. Charles Bagot Cayley, of Trinity (B.A. 1845), wote the following
jeu d'esprit upon the subject.
ST. BRAHAMUS had fasted st. Braha-
From ten o'clock till four,
pious exer-
LVJVJtt.
I'm told he took no more.
Then a little slice of pork he took— cises.
He took a little Audit Ale
For his poor stomach's sake ;
He sat him down in his armchair,
And strove to keep awake.
He yielded unto no light thoughts
That rose his mind within ;
But fought the Devil in his doze,
And sorrowed for his sin.
190
IN CAP AND GOWN.
St. John
bringeth
unto him the
Ladye Mar-
garet, and
reproveth
him for giv-
ing place to
the infirmity
of his flesh,
St. John unto the sleeper came,
That by the fire was set ;
And he led in his hand a saintly maid-
The Ladye Margaret.
" Rise, sluggish spirit, look upon
Her countenance divine ;
I lead her to thee, sinful man,
A pearl thrown unto swine."
St. Brahamus bestirred himself
(For his saintly zeal was rare) ;
But he could not shake away his sleep,
Nor rise from his arm-chair.
"We thought to find thee combating,
With spirit strong and fresh,
The world's temptation manifold,
The Devil and the flesh.
while the
sins of his
country are
unatonedfor.
" But since thou'rt grown less vigilant
To purge thy country's sin,
Thou shalt bear all the weight thereof
Till thou canst rescue win."
St. Brahamus bestirred himself
(Yea, with unwonted zeal),
And it seemed he did a monstrous weight
Upon his body feel :
St. Braha-
mus beareth
the burden
of the con-
vents that
were sacri-
legiously
defaced.
As if the Cross of Waltham Cross
Were on him suddenly thrown,
And Grinstead Abbey's walls and roof
Were added thereupon.
THE VISION OF ST. BRAHAMUS.
And crash came goodly convents,
And churches fall'n to bits,
And buried him deep in his troubled sleep,
And fluttered his five wits.
191
And still the tempest thickened,
And higher grew the pile,
But ever he'd a wink of the lady through a chink,
And the light of her bright smile.
St. Brahamus within him groaned,
For he was sore dismayed,
And thus to tne blessed Margaret
His orison he made.
St. Braha-
mus con-
verseth with
the Ladye de
Profundis.
" O Margaret, bright Margaret,
What may all this betide ?
How long must I be buried thus,
All sick and squashed inside ? "
Then said the clerkly Margaret —
*' Donee templa refeceris,
Atque ordines monasticos ;
Delicta majorum luis."
" O Margaret, bright Margaret,
Don't lay it on so thick ;
I'll get up a joint-stock company,
And I'll do it like a brick.
St. Braha-
oius maketh
a. proposi-
tion.
" I'll get up a joint-stock company,
And found a Convent here,
And a Nunnery fair in Barn well town,
And I'll be all night there."
192 IN CAP AND GOWN.
" Now hold thy peace, thou monk unclean,
Or thy door I ne'er shall enter ;
For a Johnian is ever a Cretan in soul ;
Prava bestia, tardus venter.
The Ladye " But I'll have monks throughout the land,
Margaret's . , MV ,
prophecy. And veiled sisters too,
Who shall spend their lives in charity,
With nothing else to do.
" And because this people is gone astray,
Like sheep on a precipice,
Our friars shall instruct them every one
After his own device."
She leaveth So she left him a parchment sealed fair,
a token with -iin • i i T-» • -r»i TJ
St. Braha- Which the Bramian Rule did state,
mus.
Likewise a speech made ready for him,
To speak at our debate.
C. B. CAYLE/.
TRINITY COLLEGE, November, 1843.
C 193 )
THE TRINITY JANUS.
"Matutine pater, seu Jane libentius audis,
Unde homines operum primes 1 vitaeque labores
Instituunt (sic dis placitum,) tu carminis esto
Principium ! "
HOR.
The following -verses, which were published as a leaflet in 1846, were
written bv Mr. William Knox Wigram, of Trinity, who took his B .A.
degree in 1845.
SAID the laughing Hyaena,
While mouthing a man,
" My civil demeanour
Deny if you can !
' In modo suaviter,'
Gaily I grin ;
But, * in re fortiter '
Tickle your skin."
So smiles Billy Janus,
As friendly and warm
As willing to gain us,
As loath to alarm ;
But, once in his power,
And, lo, the black Fates
Descend in a shower
Of chapels and gates.
1 Scil.t morning chapels.
I94 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Then we catch t'other side
Of the duplicate phiz ;
Nor wonder he hide
One as ugly as HIS !
STERNHOLD REDIVIVUS.
TRINITY COLLEGE, 1846.
C 195
A DELECTABLE BALLAD OF THE JUDGE
AND THE MASTER.
This ballad, -which was ptiblished in " Bent ley's Miscellany" for
1843, was occasioned by th: back gate of Trinity College being closed
when the judge's carriage came to it. Dr. IVhewell, the master, over-
looked a clause in the charter ; granted to the College by Henry VI II.,
which constituted the Lodge the judge's quarters diiring the assizes.
THE stout Master of Trinitie
A vow to God did make,
Ne Judge, ne Sheriff through his back-door
Their way from court should take.
And syne he hath closed his big, big book,
And syne laid down his pen,
And dour and grimly was his look,
As he called his serving men : —
" Come hither, come hither, my porter Watts !
Come hither, Moonshine, to me !
If he be Judge in the Justice Hall,
I'll be Master in Trinitie.
"And Sheriff Green is a lordly man
In his coat of the velvet fine ;
But he'll rue the day that he took his way
Thorough back-gate of mine !
196 IN CAP AND GOWN.
" Now bolt and bar, my flunkies true,
Good need is ours, I ween ;
By the trumpet so clear, the Judge is near,
And eke bold Sheriff Green."
Oh, a proud, proud man was the Master to see,
With his serving men behind,
As he strode down the stair, with his nose in the air,
Like a pig that smells the wind.
And they have barred the bigger gate,
And they have barred the small,
And soon they espy the Sheriff's coach,
And the Sheriff so comely and tall.
And the Sheriff straight hath knocked at the gate
And tirled at the pin :
" Now open, open, thou proud porter,
And let my Lord Judge in ! "
" Nay, Sheriff Green," quoth the proud porter,
" For this thing may not be ;
The Judge is Lord in the Justice Hall,
But the Master in Trinitie."
Then the Master smiled on Porter Watts,
And gave him a silver joe ;
And, as he came there with his nose in the air,
So back to the lodge did go.
Then out spoke the grave Lord Justice—" Ho !
Sheriff Green, what aileth thee ?
Bid the trumpets blow, that the folk may know,
And the gate be opened free."
THE JUDGE AND THE MASTER. 197
But a troubled man was the Sheriff Green,
And he sweated as he did stand ;
And in silken stock each knee did knock,
And the white wand shook in his hand.
Then black grew the brow of the Judge, I trow,
And his voice was stern to hear ;
As he almost swore at Sheriff Green,
Who wrung his hands in fear.
" Now, out and alas, my Lord High Judge,
That I this day should see !
When I did knock from behind the lock,
The porter thus answered me,
That thou wert Lord in the Justice Hall,
And the Master in Trinitie.
" And the Master hath bid them bar the gate
'Gainst kaiser or 'gainst king."
" Now by my wig ! " quoth the Judge in wrath,
" Such answer is not the thing.
11 Break down the gate, and tell the knave
That would stop my way so free,
That the wood of his skull is as thick to the full
As the wood of the gate may be ! "
That voice so clear when the porter did hear,
He trembled exceedingly ;
Then soon and straight he flung open the gate,
And the Judge and his train rode by.
TOM TAYLOR.
AV CAP AND GOWN.
ON "THE PLURALITY OF WORLDS" BY
DR. WHEW ELL.
IF you through the regions of space should have travelled,
And of nebular films the remotest unravelled,
You'll find as you tread on the bounds of infinity,
That God's greatest work is — the Master of Trinity.
SIR FRANCIS DOYLE.
( 199 )
THE FIGHT OF THE CRESCENT.
A LAY OF MODERN CAMBRIDGE.
On March 6, 1846, a disturbance took place at the Toivn Hall, where
General Tom Thumb was being exhibited, and terminated in what was
called the Tom Thumb Riot. For several days severe fights took place in
the neighbourhood of the market-place and Rose Crescent. " Fierce Free-
stone," one of the constables mentioned in the following poem, was too
fierce in his attacks on the undergraduates, and for his conduct on this
occasion was dismissed from the force, and sentenced to fourteen days'
imprisonment. There never was a time when a feud did not exist between
the townsmen of Cambridge and the members of the University. To find
the origin of this hostility would be a difficult matter. Perhaps tinreason-
able contempt on the one hand, and ill-founded jealousy on the other, is
sufficient to account for it. But whatever is their cause, frequent conflicts
have taken place between the town and the gown from earliest times. In
a letter written by William Soone (afterwards professor of civil law},
and dated I575> we rea'^ °f serious fights between the opposing parties.
In 1597 a strong feeling of animosity prevailed, and the undergraduates
hit upon a most ingenious device by which to revenge themselves on the
townspeople. A play called " Club Law " was performed in Clare Hall,
and the townspeople were invited to witness it. The " Phihster," as the
modern German student woiild call them, were mercilessly caricatured in
the play, but once in the hall they were obliged io sit it out. On pp. 7
and 147 will be found descriptions of qiiarrels between the town and
"•own, which wsre settled without force. Btit peaceful methods were not
always followed. Gunning tells us that in 1788 a drayman was killed
by «' Turk" Taylor, of Trinity. The University aiithorities naturally
looked with disapproval upon disturbances in the street, but on one occa-
sion the tindergraduates were publicly thanked for their prowess in resist-
in0' an attack from the town. This was in 1833, when the townsmen
fell ^lpon the anatomy schools, alleging that Dr. Clark had improperly
200 IN CAP AND GOWN.
taken a body for dissection. The attack being repulsed by the gownsmen,
the anatomy schools were saved, and the charge against Dr. Clark was
afterwards proved to be entirely without foundation. The Battle of Peas
Hill) the fight described in the present poem, which was published in
Punch, vol. x. p. 163, and that which took place in 1835 (seep. 142), are
justly celebrated. The last serious conflict of the kind was the " Death
fiiot," in 1875, in which the undergraduates testified their dislike of
John Death, who in that year was mayor.
THE sturdy undergraduates
Are pouring in amain,
Up thro' the fair Rose Crescent,
The Market-place to gain —
From many a wild wine-party,
From many a sober tea,
From the distant halls of Downing,
And the Courts of Trinity.
From lowly Queen's Quadrangle,
Where muffins are the go ;
From Magd'lene, famed for fast men,
From Cath'rine, famed for slow ;
From Caius, where anxious proctors
To keep the gates shut try ;
From Clare, where Dons chivalrous
Unlock them on the sly.
There be twenty chosen gownsmen,
The foremost of the band,
Pupils of Sambo Sutton,
To keep the Crescent stand.
They can't run if they wish'd it ;
Perforce they bear the brunt,
For the gownsmen in the rear-rank
Push the gownsmen in the front.
THE FIGHT OF THE CRESCENT. 201
And all within the Market-place,
And Market Hill along,
The townsmen, far as words can go,
Come it uncommon strong.
But as yet no nose is bleeding,
As yet no man is down ;
For the gownsmen funk the townsmen,
And the townsmen funk the gown.
When lo ! a cad comes brimful
Of bravery and beer —
" To arms ! to arms ! The Borough
Police will soon be here ! "
Thro' Market Street, to eastward,
Each townsman turn'd his eye,
And saw the hats and truncheons
Rise fast along the sky.
And plainly and more plainly,
Now may each gownsman know,
By form and face, by port and pace,
Each big blue-coated foe.
There in the front, fierce Freestone,
Be-whiskered, may be seen,
And stalwart Serjeant Seabrook,
With buttons bright and sheen ;
And Buggins of the mutton fist ;
And Muggins with the fearful twist ;
And Hobbs, famed for his waving curls ;
And Dobbs, adored by servant girls ;
And gruff Inspector Greene.
202 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Then out spake a fellow-commoner,
In voice both sad and low,
And darkly looked he on his friends,
And darkly on his foe :
" They'll be too many for us ;
Ten to one against the gown :
Unless we get to Trinity
We'll be walloped by the town."
Then out spake brave Fitz-Wiggins,
Though a small college man :
" To keep the Crescent 'gainst the cads
I'll do the best I can !
And if none will stand beside me,
Alone I'll face the snobs,
Despite fierce Freestone's truncheon
And the staves of Hobbs or Dobbs !
Then out spake Sir Tom Noddy,
A son of Trinity,
" Lo, I will stand at thy right hand,
And the Crescent keep with thee."
And out spake Merrypebbles —
A Johnian was he —
" I will abide at thy left side,
And the Crescent keep with thee."
A great shout of defiance
From all the snobs arose,
But the three stand calm and silent—
A thumb to every nose !
And forth three Peelers rushing,
Attempt to storm the Pass ;
Truncheons are thick, but fists are quick,
And down they go to grass !
THE FIGHT OF THE CRESCENT. 203
Fitz-Wiggins floor'd fierce Freestone,
Tom Noddy levell'd Hobbs,
And cheerful Merrypebbles
Black'd both the eyes of Dobbs
And the aggravated townsmen
Stand all appalled to see
On the flags the unconscious Peelers —
In the Pass the dauntless Three !
And on the leaguer'd Crescent
Was none would brave attack ;
But those behind cried " Forward ! "
And those in front cried " Back ! "
Meanwhile their legs the gownsmen
Right manfully have plied ;
And now they've got to Trinity,
And the gates are open wide.
" Come back, come back, Fitz-Wiggins,"
Loud cried they from the gate ;
"Back, Noddy, Merrypebbles,
Back, or you'll be too late ! "
But the police are on them,
And their truncheons fierce they ply ;
Now the Fates save brave Fitz-Wiggins —
What a terrible black eye ! —
Though Merrypebbles' head be
The thickest in the ring,
It scarce can 'scape unbroken ;
Such staves must make it sing.
Alone stood Sir Tom Noddy,
But constant still in mind,
Policemen pitching in before
And Trinity behind.
204 W CAP AND GOWN.
" Down with him ! " cried false Seabrook,
As he mopped his bloody face ;
" Now yield thee," cried the Inspector ;
" Now yield thee, to our grace ! "
But brave Tom Noddy never deigned
An answer ; no, not he ;
But he floored the Inspector neatly
As a man could wish to see :
And through the storming townsmen
And the irate police,
He fights his passage manfully,
And he wins the gate in peace.
And now, his gown in ribbands,
In the crowded court he stands,
And " to call upon the next day,"
Receives the Dean's commands.
And then with shouts and clapping,
And hip, hip, hurrah, loud,
He passes on unto his rooms,
Borne by the admiring crowd.
But he was rusticated
By the Dons that very night ;
And when he showed them his black eye,
They said, " It served him right."
But long at our wine- parties,
We'll remember how, like bricks,
Stout Noddy kept the Crescent,
In Eighteen-forty-six !
TOM TAYLOR.
2C5
TRINITY COLLEGE COMMEMORATION.
The following verses were sent to the li Cambridge Chronicle," on the
occasion of the tercentenary of Trinity College, by Charles Le Grice, of
Trinity •, who graduated a^ B.A. in 1796. At Cambridge he was a
contemporary and friend of S. T. Coleridge, with whom he established
a literary society, and under the pseudonym of" Cergiel" he published
a considerable number of poems.
January 7, 1847.
SIR,
In a remote corner of the kingdom I have been perusing, with
pleasure, the history of the grand doings at Trinity College on Com-
memoration Day. As trifles in verse as well as trifles of pastry seem to
have been the order of the day, perhaps your readers (Mr. Vansittart
especially) will be gratified if I pull out from the corner of an old scrap-
book a song (never before printed) which was sung at Mr. Young's
Rooms on Commemoration Day, 1793, who had won the first cup.
The subject of his declamation was to the effect that "Oliver Crom-
well's character had been much misrepresented by historians."
I am, yours,
CERGIEL.
(LE GRICE.)
A SONG SUNG AT MR. YOUNG'S ROOMS, TRINITY
COLLEGE, ON COMMEMORATION DAY, 1793.
THE Mantuan Bard set a pair of dry souls
To challenge in verse for a pair of beech bowls ;
But Hooper, a foe to such jingling vexation,
Gave this splendid prize for some speechification.
206 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Ulysses and Nestor, speech-makers of old,
Without a good cup could not gammon or scold ;
But Hooper's no Nestor, and thought when athirst
A man might speak better, so had the speech first.
And rightly he reasoned, for ofttimes we know
Their liquor was muddy, their speeches so so :
Nay, these orators oft were so deep in their cups,
That instead of fine language you had nought but hickups.
The Declaimer at Athens was blamed for his toil ;
His orations were said to smell strong of the oil :
At such nasal critics, Young, never repine ;
For, if you smell at all, it will be of good wine.
The sorcerer's cup magic wonders would work —
Make a Jew turn a Christian, a Christian a Turk ;
So if once with a draught from this cup you are mellow,
Even Cromwell you'd swear was a good kind of fellow.
'Tis a magical cup ; come, then, fill it, my boy ;
The gloom of dull sorrow 'twill light into joy;
'Twill heal every strife of affliction's harsh rod, —
If you're never made Fellow, 'twill make you a God.
Fill, fill, and drink on ! see, its silvery light
Sheds the sunshine of triumph, whose beams are delight !
Fill,*- fill, and drink on, till at length you resign
The dregs of your life with the dregs of your wine !
CHARLES LE GRICE.
THE RIGHT DIVINE.
In 1847 the Chancellorship of the University was rendered vacant by
the death of the Duke of Northumberland. His Royal Highness the
Prince Consort was requested to allow his name to be offered to the Senate
as a candidate. This he declined to do, as the nomination of Lord Fowls
by others in the university convinced him that there did not exist ' ' that
degree of unanimity which would leave him at liberty to consent to be put
in nomination.'1'' The committee, however, which had been formed to
further his candidature, convinced that he would be supported by a
majority of the Senate, decided to carry the matter to the test of an election,
and the result was that the Prince Consort was elected, after an exciting
poll, by a majority of 1 1 7.
Dr. Whewell was Chairman of the Princes committee, and Dr.
Tatham, Master of St. Johrts, was Lord Fowls' s Chairman. 7 he elec-
tion was conducted with a great deal of acrimony on both sides, and the
Prince lost some supporters on Dr. WheweWs insisting to carry the matter
to a poll in spite of the Prince's expressed intention not to stand. Of these
seceders the most prominent was Dr. Webb, of Clare Hall. It was said by
Professor Sedgwick that Powis was patronized by three Ps — Punch,
Piiseyites, and Pigs.
7 he Prince got the better of the election, but the following jeux d'esprit
will show that the wit was decidedly on the other side.
To win the Court in many a flimsy line,
Tractarians prattled of the right divine ;
They said 'twere godless work to contravene
A holy Bishop or anointed Queen.
But when, their vain vagaries to retrench,
A sovereign moved the Apostolic Bench,
208 IN CAP AND GOWN.
There was an end to meek obedience then,
The Crown was nought, the Bishops were but men ;
And so they left their prelates in the lurch,
To seek a vague Morgana of a Church ;
And now, revengeful, play the dastard's part,
To wound their sovereign in her woman's heart :
From whence I learn their creed, which is not mine
That a Tractarian is the right Divine.
( 209 )
WHOM DO YOU VOTE FOR ?
The Tractarian.
WHOM do you vote for? My Lord Powis.
Why ? Because I hope,
When the time comes, he will help us
To bring back the Pope.
The Johnian.
Whom do you vote for ? My Lord Powis.
Why ? Because I read
Punch — and, like all godless noodles,
Only know his creed.
Country clergyman.
Whom do you vote for ? My Lord Powis.
Why ? Because he's done
Russell out of five new Bishops —
And I may be one.
Loyalist.
Whom do you vote for ? For Prince Albert
Why ? Because I ween
He's the noble-hearted husband
Of our noble-hearted Queen.
zio IN CAP AND GOWN.
THE RIVAL CANDIDATES.
The military hat invented by Prince Albert is well known. Lord
Powis had " rescued a mitre" by strenuously opposing the amalgamation
of the sees of Bangor and St. Asaph.
PRINCE ALBERT on this side, Lord Powis on that,
Have claims than which none can be slighter ;
The Prince's consist in inventing a hat,
The Peer's in preserving a mitre.
Then why, ye Collegiate Heads, do you run
Into all this Senate-House bother?
Can it be that the youth who invented the one
Has a share in dispensing the other ?
A GLOSS.
SINCE Albert's refusal is plain to be seen,
Your conduct, O Dons, is unwary :
Do you think he means what we know you would mean
If you said " Nolo Episcopari " ?
STAFFORD O'BRIEN, M.A.
TRINITY COLLEGE.
THE ELECTION OF THE CHANCELLOR.
SCENE — LORD Powis's Committee Room.
Time — Night, February 25.
Enter POWISITE, PUNCH, PUSEYITE.
Powisite. ONCE the Prince hath gained the day,
Punch. Once has Punch reviled in vain ;
Puseyite. Popedom faints — bestir ! bestir !
All. Round about the country run ;
Stir, ye Johnians, Sire and Son.
Lord P. Promise to the Churchmen sees,
To the Welshman toasted cheese,
To the Radical the sport
Springing from an humbled Court.
Threaten these and these cajole,
Anything to swell the Poll.
AIL Be the burden of our song,
Wrong is right and right is wrong.
Punch. Punchite scribblers ! Impish brood !
Dip your pens in cobra's blood !
Dignities, oh ! spare not one,
Spare ye least of all the throne ;
Gather still and still repeat
Shallow pun and crude conceit ;
212 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Con and learn and get by rote
Every low-born anecdote,
Then with the assassin-knife
Stab alike the Queen and wife.
Puseyite. Puseyites, the hour is come ;
Up and strike a blow for Rome ;
Queen and Peers and Commons fall,
So our Church is lord of all.
Grant us, Fortune, but a day
Of the Torquemada's sway,
Rack and fire soon should be
Arbiters of victory.
Though with ire the heart be sick
'Gainst the hated heretic,
Needs must be we pause a while,
Hide it with the gracious smile,
Pliant tongue, and Jesuit wile.
AIL Be the burden of our song,
Wrong is right and right is wrong.
PRINCIPLE AND PRACTICE.
BY moral force a threatened Church to save,
You once your virtuous loves to Lyndhurst gave ;
But now, that danger o'er, a statesman needed,
To your affections Powis has succeeded.
Thrice happy Johnians ! equally discerning
In Church and State, in Morals and in Learning.
214 2N CAP AND GOWN.
UNIVERSITY OF CAMBRIDGE.
WHENE'ER, with loathing eyes, I view
The building which they're polling in,
I honour those heroic few
Who're fighting nobly for the U-
niversities of Englishmen.
Fair Freedom, maid of heavenly hue !
Whose form we once delighted in —
Alas ! our Senate then was true !
We loved her as becomes an U-
niversity o£ Englishmen.
Her faded form ! how swift she flew !
A royal chariot riding in,
Borne on the courtly breeze that blew
One gloomy day on this our U-
niversity of Englishmen.
What ! spurn we one who's proved him true
(The blood my veins is clotting in !)
To God, the State, to Churchmen too ?
And would we have a Lutheran U-
niversity of Englishmen.
UNIVERSITY OF CAMBRIDGE. 215
What ! are our honoured peers so few,
So sunk the rank of Englishmen,
That we must dog-like fawn and sue
A foreign Chancellor for the U-
niversity of Englishmen ?
Sun, moon, and thou vain world, adieu,
That priests and such are plotting in !
Avaunt ! I'll never live to view
A German reigning in the U-
niversit} of Englishmen.
216
IN CAP AND GOWN.
SPORTING INTELLIGENCE— UNIVERSITY
SWEEPSTAKES, CAMBRIDGE.
The subjoined list will, we believe, as iar as it goes, be found sub
stantially correct : —
Prince Albert's
Lord Powis's ....
Dr. Tatham's .
Professor Sedgwick's
Dr. Graham's .
Dr. French's .
Mr. Hope's
Mr. R. Williams's .
Mr. P. Allix's .
Mr. Arlett's .
The Vice-Chancellor's
Sir F. Pollock's . "
The Public Orator's
Mr. Bateson's .
Dr. Wordsworth's .
Mr. Hildyard's
Mr. Legh's .
The Chancellor.
First Fault.
Dilemma.
Robin Goodfellow.
Balm of Gilead, out
of Etiquette.
Polish.
Pope of Rome.
Presumption.
Top-boots.
Pluck.
Senior Wrangler, by
First Class.
Provisional Director.
Jaw-bone.
The Bagman.
Mistake, out of Birch
Rod.
Cantankerous.
Puseyite (late Pro-
testant Colt).
SPORTING INTELLIGENCE. 217
Dr. Webb's Zig-zag.
The Marquis of Granby's . . Manners !!!!!!!
Dr. F. Thackeray's .... Alterative.
Mr. Hopkins's .... Head-Coachman.
Dr. Hawtrey's ..... Whipper-in.
Lord Clive's Riquet with the Tuft.
Mr. R. Birkett's .... King of Trumps.
Duke of Buccleugh's . . . Scott's Lot
Dr. Archdall's .... Mrs. Gamp.
Bishop of London's . . . Canterbury Pilgrim.
Mr. Justice Patteson's . . . King's Bench.
Mr. Williamson's .... Lady-bird.
Mr. Snowball's .... Melting-day.
Lord Nelson's . E Nilo nihil fit.
Dr. WhewelPs ..... Rough Diamond.
Mr. W. H. Thompson's . . . A-don-is.
Mr. Adams's Airey-nothing — by
Chalice out of
Planet.
Mr. H. Mansfield's . . . Bottom the Weaver.
218 IN CAP AND GOWN.
A FRAGMENT TOUCHING THE LYCEUM.
This letter is said, with what truth I know not, to have been sent to
the " Standard," when the contest for the Chancellorship was at its height,
and to have been inserted by the editor in total ignorance of its meaning.
A few points require elucidation. The crown of theLycetim is, of course,
the " Chancellorship" Phocion is Lord Powis, aud the defence of the
"tomb of Aristotle" refers to his rescue of the diocese of St. Asaph.
Phrancinus and Hyperboreus are Drs. French and Whewell, the Masters
of Jesus and Trinity respectively ; Anonetus is the Prince Consort ; and
Artemisia, the Queen.
To THE EDITOR OF THE " STANDARD."
SIR,
In an old English author, who (like Burton, in his "Anatomy
of Melancholy " ) abounds in passages of which the diction is cast in so
antique a mould, that it is difficult to tell whether they were originally
English, or were literally translated from the Greek, I find the following
curious fragment. A learned friend has conjectured it to be a transla-
tion from Theophrastus, but it seems to myself to savour more of the
style of Eudemus, and it looks exceedingly like a passage from one of
the lost books of the Eudemian Ethics. Altogether, if the pressure of
contemporary politics will allow you to insert it, I think it would be
found full of interest to the learned world. The author might seem to
be of the Cynical School, but the names of persons all nearly con-
temporary seem to fix it clearly on a Peripatetic teacher.
I am, Sir, your obedient servant,
RUBITER CANTABRIGIENSIS.
" Concerning literary men, why they should evermore be
mercenary, and whether they be so, or whether this be a
calumny of the multitude, it follows to inquire. Is it that,
A FRAGMENT TOUCHING THE LYCEUM. 219
while they say excellent things of the nobleness of virtue
and the dignity of science, they do not believe in themselves,
but repeat what is set down like actors in the mimes ? This
were altogether base. Or is it that, being poor, and not
having a sufficiency of daily , things, neither gold in their
souls, as Plato said, they are dragged away, like the incon-
tinent, to act against their will the part of servile flatterers ?
This, again, were pitiable. Or is it rather that, where virtue
and science are studied, not for the sake of good living,
but for a livelihood, they make the intellect sharp, but leave
the practical part of the soul no whit the better ? Now we
see this both in other cases and especially in academies,
where men talk like philosophers, but live like sycophants,
bowing down greatly to princes. Though some have thought
this was rather the fault of the elder and craftier masters,
who wheedle or compel the more generous and simpler
sort. As in truth was seen in the crown of the Lyceum,
which was by common consent to be given to the most
worthy citizen. For this the larger and better part would
fain have offered to Phocion, who was both in other respects
worthy, and had defended the tomb of Aristotle against
Demades and his rabble.
" But some of the elder and more worldly wise, among
whom were Phrancinus and Hyperboreus, said among
themselves, 'Will it not be better to give the crown to
Anonetus, who, being rich, and the friend of Artemisia,
will procure us much good ? Did not Artemisia give a prize
to Theodectes, and if we choose Anonetus, will she not send
us trees for our grove, and chairs for our old men, and also
Persian mitres? Contrariwise, if we give the crown to
Phocion, we shall do what is right indeed, but utterly un-
profitable, and be praised only of the simpler sort of men.'
"Thus saying, the elder men appeared to themselves
wise, and told the scholars it was seemly to be unanimous ;
220 IN CAP AND GOWN.
so that many consented in the evening to that which in the
morning they had grievously condemned. So the cunning-
ness of the few prevailed against the simplicity of the many
which loveth mostly to be generous. Some, however, mur-
mured and thought it base; for this Anonetus, though
eminent in wealth, and in the favour of Artemisia, was, in
the matters of the Lyceum, that which his name declares."
[Caetera desunt.]
( 221
MR. JE AMES'S SENTIMENTS ON THE
CAMBRIDGE ELECTION.
The following letter, from the hand of Mr. Thackeray, appeared in
" Punch," vol. xii.
" Anti-Junius" A lon^ letter over this signature appeared in the
" Times" "while the election was in progress. In it the Master of
Trinity was defended against the charges of self-interest which had been
freely brought against him, but which his subsequent refusal of a
bishopric by no means justified.
" If he doesrft allow young gentlemen to sit down in his presents"
In 'forbidding undergraduates to sit down in his presence, Dr. Whewell
was carrying on the tradition of his office. The heads of houses had
for generations let it be understood that between themselves and the
iinder graduates a great gulf was fixed. Thackeray is never tired of
satirizing this foolish donnishness.- The following passage is taken from
his essay on "University Snobs:" — " As for us undergraduates, we
scarcely knew more about Crump than about the Grand Llama. A few
favoured youths are asked occasionally to tea at the lodge ; but they do
not speak unless first addressed by the Doctor ; and if they venture to sit
down, Crump's follower, Mr. Toady, whispers, ' Gentlemen, will you
have the kindness to get up ? the President is passing ; ' or, * Gentle-
men, the President prefers that undergraduates should not sit down,' or
words to a similar effect.""
To MR. PUNCH.
DEAR MR. P.,
Some vulgar and raddicle igspreshns in the last
number of your mislany injuice me to edress you — I mean
those in which you indulch in mean snears at the conduck
of the Donns ofCambritch Unavussaty.
Being ony an individgl, and not a Unavussaty mann, it
222 IN CAP AND GOWN.
ill becomes me, I know, to put in my or in the dispute about
the Cambritch Chanslor. My vote (did I pesess that
facklty) would be — where, I needn say. Art and sole with
my Prins and Roil Concert of my Ground.
My sentimence is those of Doctor Whyouwewyouwhewell.
I've stood behind his chair in fommer days, where I instantly
reckonised his elygnt urbannaty, " his retiring modesty, his
unfained umillaty, and his genuin cuttisy " — jest as " Anti-
Junius," in the Times, igspresses 'em — and I've no doubt his
pupils was his absobbing care. I've heerd say, by gents
who were at Cambridg College, that his love for the young
fellers was ackshly affecting to see ; that one of 'em was
never ill, but he sor him take his medsan and put his feet
in hot water ; that he wrote to the Mars of every i of them
every mawning ; that he used to weap when they went ome
for the oladays ; and that he ruined himself in making 'em
presents, and giving 'em parties ; in a wud there was no end
to his kindness and femilliar regard for 'em.
If he doesn't allow young gentlemen to sit down in his
presents now : you must remember, Mr. Punch, that the
purshoots of these Schudents is already sednterry : and it's
unwholesome for 'em to be too long in a sittn postar.
This however is not the pint which I wish at present to
udj. What I like, is the bust of loilty which has placed my
Prints at the head of the pole : and that manly exabition
of indipendns which has caused Masters of Arts & Brittns
to rally round him. Manly a Brittn always is — there's no
truckling about us — we never kiss a great man's shoestrings;
and if the Unavussaty chooses a Young Jumman Prince of
sixntwenty for its Chanslor depend on it it ad its reasns.
Depend on it he'll be an honor to his Halmymater. He
was chose not on account of his exalted rank, but on
account of his " admirable virtues " — it was them that made
him Chanslor, and no mistake.
MR. JEAMES ON THE CAMBRIDGE ELECTION. 223
Y — you've only to read his Roil Highness own roil note
in reply to the Cambridge requisishn to convints you he's
not a common man — I think it beats everythink in pint of
style, in neatness of erangemint, and felissaty of igspreshn.
" The expression of the wish upon the part of so numerous
and influential a portion of the Senate of the U. of C, in-
cluding so many eminent names, that I should allow myself
to be proposed for election into the vacant office of C. of
the U. cannot be otherwise than highly gratifying to my
feelings. Did it not appear from proceedings entered into
by others in the university that there does not exist that
unanimity which alone would leave me at liberty to consent
to be put in nomination, I should have felt both the greatest
pleasure and pride in acceding to the desire expressed in
this address, and so personally connecting myself with your
ancient and renouned seat of learning."
There's a stile for you, Mr. P. " The expression of the
wish upon the part of a portion of the senate including so
many eminent names " — there's writing ; see how the pre-
posishns back up that sentns ! " The wish upon the part of a
portion of the senate " — isn't that neat ? — and " including so
many eminent names " — how plesntly that phrase comes in !
It may be —
1. The senate includes eminent names
2. The wish ,, ,,
3. The expression „ „
or quite the revuss, or any way you chews — it's elygant
however you take it.
And "did it not appear that there does not exist that
unanimity of feeling, I should have felt both the greatest
pleasure and pride" — there's a happy modesty about that
igspreshn which amounts to perfect Poitry. Unless the
Universaty's unanimous — unless every man — every poor
curick in Northumberland — every pius Bishop in Wes-
224 1N CAP AND GOWN.
mister — is brought to see that the Prince must be Chans-
lor, that it's impawsible to think of any other, — to ignolledge
that His R. H. is the man, as you ignolledge a Star or a
Comick in Heaven — he can't come forrards. There never
was such an instants of amiable diffidents. But the Eds of
Ouses woodn let H. H. off. Our reveared Bishops sor his
tricks — they knew what was for the good of Hengland and
the advancement of learning ; they took his Roil Highness
nolus bolus, (to use a Lating igspreshun,) and carried him
blushing to the head of the pole.
In that ellyvated poast I am proud to see him; and
what's mor, I hope when little Mary Hann and Jeams are
arrived at the proper age, I shall be able to take them to be
confummed by that exlent prelick (and at present most
Independent minister), Bishop WhyewyouwhooilL
I look forrard, I say, to see him on the Bench — an ideer
which am sure has never entered into the head of that
" honored and beloved man." I say he deserves it ; and Y ?
because he's worked for it. And I present my respeckfle
complymence to Anti-Junius and the sperrited proprietors
of the Times.
Your obeajnt savnt,
JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
(W. M. THACKERAY.)
THE CAMBRIDGE ADDRESS TO PRINCE
ALBERT.
This free rendering of the speech delivered by the Public Orator on the
installation of Prince Albert, which was written by Mr. Thackeray ;
appeared in "Punch" vol. x':i. Thomas Crick, of St. John's (M.A.
1826), held the office of Public Orator from 1836 to 1848. // may be
pointed out that Thackeray's gibes at the orator's expense are scarcely fair,
for he only delivered the oration as a public official, and registered his
vote for Lord Powis.
We have received a version of the above document, freely rendered
into English by a gentleman of the name of Gyp, of Trinity College,
Cambridge.
STERN fate hath clipped, with cruel shear,
In spite of all physick,
A worthy duke, a noble peer,
To virtue and to Cambridge dear,
(Says Reverend Mr. Crick.)
He ruled us but for seven short year,
His death was all too quick ;
We howl, and drop the briny tear
Upon his lamentable bier,
(Says Reverend Mr. Crick.)
About his venerated dust,
Our tear-drops tumble thick ;
He was our champion kind and just,
In him was all our hope and trust,
(Says Reverend Mr. Crick.)
226 IN CAP AND GOWN.
But weep and blubber though we must,
For this of dukes the pick,
We must not cry until we bust —
Such conduct would inspire disgust,
(Says Reverend Mr. Crick.)
My Granta ! wipe your weeping face,
And be philosophick ;
Look round and see can we replace
In any way his poor dear Grace,
(Says Reverend Mr. Crick.)
Who is the man to meet our case ?
Who enters in the nick,
To take Northumbria's vacant mace ?
There is a gent of royal race,
(Says Reverend Mr. Crick.)
There is a gent of royal breed,
There is a princely brick,
Who doth on every virtue feed,
As wise in thought as great in deed :
To him we'll fly, (says Crick.)
O Prince ! come succour at our need,
This body politic ;
Heal up our wounds, which gape and bleed
Prevent us running quite to seed,
(Cries Reverend Mr. Crick.)
On thee our hopes and faith we pin ;
Without thee, ruined slick ;
To thee we kneel with humble shin ;
Stand by us, guide us, hem us in,
Great Prince ! (cries Mr. Crick.)
THE CAMBRIDGE ADDRESS TO PRINCE ALBERT. 227
Thou bright exemplar of all Prin-
ces, here your shoes we lick ;
Kings first endowed us with their tin,
Why mayn't we hope for kings agin ?
(Says independent Crick.)
Our tree is of an ancient root,
And straightway perpendic-
ular to heaven its boughs will shoot,
If you but listen to our suit,
(Says Reverend Mr. Crick.)
We grovel at your royal boot;
Ah ! don't in anger kick,
Great Prince ! the suppliants at your foot,
See how our lips cling fondly to 't,
(Cries that true Briton Crick.)
From faction's sacrilegious claws
Keep Church and Bishopric ;
Support our academic cause ;
Uphold our rights ; defend our laws,
(Ejaculated Crick.)
The speech was done. He made a pause
For Albert and for Vic ;
Three most vociferous huzzaws
Then broke from mighty Whewell's jaws,
Who, as a proof of his applause,
Straight to the buttery goes and draws
A pint of ale for Crick.
W. M. THACKERAY.
228 IN CAP AND GOWN.
THE NEW TRIPOSES.
In 1848 the advisability of introducing the study of natural and
moral science into the curriculum of the University was keenly debated.
Graces were offered to the Senate, and innumerable pamphlets written on
the subject. A 'set of Greek verses entitled " Fragmentum Incerti" were
written by R. Shilleto (see p. 237), an English version of which we
reprint. The New Triposes Jirst came into operation in 1851.
COME sing of the new Triposes, come sing a lively chorus —
No Mathematics now may vex, no Greek and Latin bore us !
Who now, but some few pedants of true dotardy the pattern,
Thinks aught of musty classic saws, old as the reign of
Saturn ?
No ! thanks to our new Triposes, the things to study now
are .
Your Natural-tQt, your Moral-bosh — The German School's
in power —
Go, Pollmen ! nay, ye needs must go ; for so the Heads
determine
(Like Gower-street's curst Academy and such-like stinking
vermin)
To men that rave of botany — to those consummate asses,
Who tell you of the loves of plants, and incest twixt two
grasses,
Who this tree male, that female call, in shameless ardour
vying
To outrage young men's morals — Heaven torment them for
their lying !
THE NEW TRIPOSES. 229
Yes ! by some sawbones you'll be coached — some cut-and-
slash physician,
Or mineral-delving connoisseur of wondrous erudition —
By some high-flown Geologist, one of those self-wise teachers,
Who talk at wines of whale's fins and the bones of monstrous
creatures,
Which labouring earth ere Adam bare — or canting braggarts
queerer,
And still more skilled than those I've named with lies to
bore a hearer. .
230 IN CAP AND GOWN.
A BOATING SONG.
The following appeared in " Sketches of Cantabs, " a clever little volume,
published in 1849. The author was John Delaware Lewis, of Trinity
College ', "who took his B.A. degree in 1850, and died in 1884.
You may sing of the joys of the gun and the bat,
Of winging a bird as he flies, Sir ;
Of hunting the hare-skin, and running the rat,
And fighting a cock without eyes, Sir ;
You may tell the sweet raptures of courting a lass,
And shooting a bolt from love's quiver,
But what in the world can those pleasures surpass,
That we boating gents find on the river ?
Tol de diddle tol lol, etc.
When the Chapel bells toll, as the herald of day,
And bright Phoebus exhibits his noddle,
And the mists of the night are all clearing away,
To the " Piece " in our great-coats we toddle,
When to keep up our wind three times round it we run,
And return with a pain in the liver ;
But what does it matter, my boys, when there's fun
To be found every night on the river ?
Then there's breakfast, you know, where stale bread's all
the go,
With beef-steaks as raw as my hand, Sirs,
A BOATING SONG. 231
And cigars were forbid 'cause they make us to blow,
And the nymphs 'cause they keep us on land, Sirs.
Next our blisters we scrub with the ointment they dub,
Dr. Hollo way's sweet " Solace-giver; "
But what though it pain us — ay, there is the rub,
When it's all for the sake of the river ?
At length comes the night, fraught with joy and delight,
Of the races. By Jove, it's like heaven,
With the men at the plough calling out, " Go it, bow ! "
And the men on the path, " Go it, seven ! "
Then awaiting the gun which announces the fun,
For an hour in our jerseys we shiver,
And " Two," a young fool that has scarcely left school,
Cries, " Can this be the fun of the river ? "
Hark ! the gun has gone thrice, and now off in a trice,
With the Johnians we're soon on a level,
When Hicks who's no dab with his oar cuts a crab,
And our coxswain he swears like the devil.
Still we gain, Sirs, we gain ! now we've bumped them, 'tis
plain,
How our hearts with excitement they quiver !
And we'll wap that young Hicks, since he might by his
tricks
Have lost us a place on the river !
J. D. LEWIS.
232 2N CAP AND GOWN.
ON HEARING THE BELLS RING FOR THE
NEW PROVOST OF KING'S, DR. OKES.
Dr. Richard Okes (B.A. 1822), the subject of this epigram, was ap-
pointed Provost of King's in 1850, and held office until his death in 1889.
Andrew Long (B.A. 1836) was for many years a fellow of King's
College, and died in 1887.
How Kings have slept in oaks of old,
Our English chroniclers have told ;
But Fortune now the changes rings,
for Okes to-night shall sleep in King's.
A. LONG.
233
THE TWO VOICES.
A STILL small voice spake unto me7
" Thou art so sure of thy degree,
Were it not well to have a spree ? "
Then to the voice I answer framed,
" Let me not in the gulf be named,
Who am so wonderfully crammed."
To this the voice rejoining — " Stop !
Last year I saw a Junior Op
Come from the Robe Purveyor's shop.
" Some hidden power had changed the blue
Of his old gown ; from cap to shoe
Hung mantling folds of sable hue.
" He tied his strings, like silk they shew'd ;
Thro' court and cloister, street and road,
A living Bachelor he strode."
234 IN CAP AND GOWN.
I said, " When first our year began,
Our freshmen through ten classes ran ;
I in the fifth the second man.
" They taught me Euclid, they imprest
Proportion, and, above the rest,
Equations on my head and breast."
Thereto the silent voice rejoined,
" Thy bumptiousness doth make thee blind
Look here, and learn a wiser mind.
" Will thirty coaches render plain
Deductions to thy shallow brain,
Or make thee rival Mould or Maine ? "
"Think'st thou that in this numerous list
There stands not many a Questionist
Of clearer brain and swifter fist ? "
It spake, moreover, in my ear,
" Tho' thou shouldst in the gulf appear,
The like doth happen year by year."
Then did my response clearer fall,
" No two in college or in hall
Have friends agreeing all in all."
To which he answered askingly,
" Poor souls ! and will they weep to see
-Their gulfed one's blank deficiency ?
THE TWO VOICES. 235
" What sire," he added with a scoff,
" Cares sixpence when his darling soph
Is polished by another off? "
I would have said " Thou canst not know
How fiercely up my sire would blow,"
But feared lest he should deem me slow.
Again the voice spake unto me,
" Thou art so sure of thy degree,
Were it not well to take a spree ?
" Thy senses thou dost oversteep
In cram, nor any limit keep ;
Thou canst not read, but thou wilt sleep ! "
I said, " I'm making some advance,
Though I make pale my countenance,
Let me not throw away a chance.
" Were it not well to spend mine hours
In taking altitudes of towers,
Or raising n to minus powers ?
" A wrangler's place I yet may take,
E'en yet." But he, " What coach can make
A shaky wrangler cease to shake ? "
I wept, " Though I be plucked, I know
Old Cam will to the ocean flow,
The slogger in his tub will row ;
2 36 IN CAP AND GOWN.
11 And Bachelors with bookwork fraught,
Forgetting all they have been taught,
Be Bachelors, though I am not ! "
This argument did floor him quite ;
He ceased, and hissing in despite,
Directed up the flue his flight.
C 237
EPIGRAM
ON MR. JOHN COWLING, OF ST. JOHN'S COLLEGE, WHO WAS AN
UNSUCCESSFUL CANDIDATE FOR THE REPRESENTATION OF CAM-
BRIDGE UNIVERSITY IN
Mr. Richard Shilleto, who was one of the finest Greek scholars Cam-
bridge has produced, graduated as a B.A. in 1832. Nearly the whole oj
his life was devoted to the drudgery of teaching, and he was never able to
do justice to his brilliant attainments. Indeed, leisure for independent
research was never given him tintil 1867, when he was elected to a fellow-
ship at Peterhoiise. He died in 1876.
Desinit in piscem teterrima vacca superne,
Minis in Ionia sus tibi grumit hara.
As I strayed by the side of the Johnian sty,
A new-farrowed comical pig did I spy,
With the head of a beast and the tail of a fish —
To abortions like this Alma Mater says, " Pish ! "
R. SHIL.LETO.
238 IN CAP AND GOWN.
THE SUMMER ASSIZES OF 1850,
AT WHICH THE JUDGES WERE MR. JUSTICE PATTESON AND BARON
ALDERSON, WHILE GUNSON, OF CHRIST'S, WAS THE PREACHER.
A JUSTICE — a Baron — a Preacher — sons three ;
The Preacher a son of a Gun is he ;
The Baron he is the son of a Tree ;
Whom the Justice is son of I cannot well see —
But Paterson, spell him, and then you'll agree
That the son of his Father the Justice will be.
R. SHILLETO.
C 239
A PARADOX.
These lines were written on the occasion of Dr. Guest succeeding Dr.
Benedict Chapman as Master of Caius in 1852.
OH ! men of Caius, I sympathize
In this your strange disaster,
Your Benedict unmarried dies,
Your Guest becomes your master.
R. SHIL^ETO.
240 IN CAP AND GOWN.
THE USELESS DON.
The close translation from the " 'Wasps " of Aristophanes which follows
tvas suggested^ no doubt , by the controversy on idle fellowships raised by
Dr. Todhunter's paper on the " University Commission " in the "Eclectic
Review" for 1852.
WASPS, regents, and non-regents, o-^Kes o£vKa/o8ioi.
But, alas ! we've drones among us, sitting each in easy chair,
Stingless as their lore is pointless, who devour our hard-
earned fare ;
Lolling idlers, without learning, without labour, without
care.
And to us this is most painful, when effete unlearned Don
Sups us up our porridge, who for Alma Mater has not one
Pupil, not one hour of teaching, not one headache under-
gone.
Graces henceforth I'll non-placet, which allow the useless
drone
Stingless should he be, to 'pocket wages which are not his
own.
R. SHILLETO.
THE DEATH-WARRANT.
In 1852 John Death, livery stable keeper, gave notice that he would sue
a member of the University for a debt of ^143, contracted while he was an
undergraduate. He was summoned before the Vice- Chancellor, Dr. Okes,
Provost of King's College, for allowing an undergraduate to contract a
debt of more than ^5. He came with his solicitor, Mr. Cooper, followed
by a mob. Mr. Cooper was reftised admittance, and Death refused to
appear unless accompanied by his attorney.
" Pallida Mors aequo pulsat pede pauperum tabernas
Regumque turres."
OUR Heads of Houses — 'faith, it takes one's breath
To think upon their boldness — summoned Death ;
And Death, to add new terrors to his name,
Backed by a lawyer, to the meeting came.
Ill-omened couple ! Their united powers
Might well dismay far wiser Heads than ours !
No wonder then they did what most would do,
Sported their Oaks against the awful two.
Balked of his speech, the lawyer homeward hied,
Pale as his client, and more mortified.
A. LONG.
242 IN CAP AND GOWN.
VALEDICTORY ADDRESS TO THE DEAN.
The ' ' Valedictory Address to the Dean " was written by the late J.
Clerk Maxwell, of Trinity College. This distinguished man of science
took his B.A. degree in 1854, and two years later was appointed to a
fellowship at Trinity College. After holding professorships at Aberdeen
and King's College, London, he returned in 1871 to Cambridge, to fill the
newly founded chair of Experimental Physics. This appointment he
held until his death in 1879. The Rev. J. A. Frere, Fellow and Dean
of Trinity College, was presented by the Society to the living of Shillington,
in 1852, but, according to cusfom, was enabled to hold his fellowship for
"a year of grace." The version of Clerk Maxwell's poem here given
is from a manuscript copy in the possession of Mr. J. W. Clark. It
differs in some particulars from that printed in Messrs. Campbell and
Garnet? s "Life ofj. Clerk Maxwell."
JOHN ALEXANDER FRERE, John,
When first we were acquent,
You lectured us as Freshmen,
In the weary term of Lent.
But now you're gettin' old, John,
Your end is drawing near,
So I think we'd better say good-bye,
John Alexander Frere !
John Alexander Frere, John,
How swiftly time has flown !
The weeks which you refused us
Are now no more your own.
VALEDICTORY ADDRESS TO THE DEAN. 243
Tho' time was in your hand, John,
You lingered out the year,
A year of grace and cash unto
John Alexander Frere !
There's young Monro of Trinity,
And Hunter bold of Queen's,
Who scorned the Chapel system,
And vexed the souls of Deans ;
But all these petty squabbles
More ludicrous appear,
When we gaze on thy departing form,
John Alexander Frere.
There's many a better man, John,
WTho scorns the scoffing crew,
But keeps with fond affection
The notes he got from you :
" Why Mr. Smith was out last night
Till two o'clock or near,
The Senior Dean requests to know ;
Yours truly, J. A. Frere.'1
John Alexander Frere, John,
I wonder what you mean
By mixing up your name so
With " me " and with " the Dean."
Another Don may dean us,
But ne'er again, we fear,
Shall we receive such notes as yours,
John Alexander Frere.
The Lecture Room no more, John,
Shall hear thy drowsy tone ;
244 IN CAP AND GOWN.
No more shall men in Chapel
Bow down before thy throne :
But Shillington with meekness
The oracle shall hear
That set St. Mary's all asleep,
John Alexander Frere.
Once more before we part, John,
Let all be clean forgot —
Our scandalous invectives,
And thy consummate rot ;
For still 'neath all conventions
The small heart lived sincere,
The kernel of the Senior Dean,
John Alexander Frere.
J. C. MAXWELL.
C 245 )
RIGID BODY SINGS.
GIN a body meet a body
Fly in' through the air,
Gin a body hit a body,
Will it fly ? and where ?
Ilka impact has its measure,
Ne'er a' ane hae I,
Yet a' the lads they measure me,
Or, at least, they try.
Gin a body meet a body
Altogether free,
How they travel afterwards
We do not always see.
Ilka problem has its method
By analytics high ;
For me, I ken na ane o' them,
But what the waur am I ?
J. C. MAXWELL.
2N CAP AND GOWN.
THE RAPE OF THE LOCK.
This, poem was written under the following circumstances. Mr. H. IV.
Lord, B.A., of Trinity College, who was then sitting for a fellowship ',
appeared in the summer vacation of 1856 with a moustache. He was at
once sent for by the dean, and ordered to remove it or to go down at once.
He chose the former course, and revenged himself by writing a Latin poem
on the subject, a copy of which he sent to the dean. 1 he verses were
aflerwards translated by him into English, for the benefit of the unlearned.
It is this translation which we print here.
FAREWELL, too little and too lately worn !
Let the rude breezes bear ye where they list :
For this defied I the chill dews of morn,
In rain or sunshine ne'er a chapel missed ;
Was never gated ; never drank too much,
Or, if I did, I ne'er behaved as such.
As the tall corn-ears bristle o'er the plain,
So scanty bristles o'er my lip were spread ;
As fields in summer bear their golden grain,
My lips bore golden crops, or rather, red.
Vain all my toil ! ah, had they never grown,
The grief of parting I should ne'er have known !
Each morn I used to dress them at the glass ;
I seemed to comb and count them as I slept.
In one fell swoop a month's long labours pass ;
The ruthless razor o'er those lips has swept.
Oh, what so hard but would some pity feel,
Save Deans and razors, and such things of steel ?
THE RAPE OF THE LOCK. 247
Dean ! is thy seat so lofty that its snows
Have sunk into thy heart and settled there ?
Can my beard mar the heaven of thy repose ?
So great a man and such a little hair !
A half-moustache ! yet what ourselves have reared
We love, though but a demi-semi beard.
Farewell, my greatest care by night and day ;
My greatest care, though for so small a spot.
What though the bitter scoffer call thee hay !
Ah, too prophetic of thy withered lot !
For thou wast cut as grass in early spring
Oh for a Pope this ravished lock to singl
Too soon, too soon ! for scarce had ye been taught
To bear my fondling fingers' tender twirl :
Scarce coyly yielding learnt the while to court
The touch that strove to win ye to a curl.
How shall I mourn ? Oh, teach me how ye sung,
Foxes sans tail, and vixens too sans tongue.
Not more his lost See doth a Master mourn ;
That See whose sickness is but conscience' qualm,
His eyes again shall greet the fluttering lawn :
My shorn locks flutter nor in wind nor calm.
Not more do jesters- their lost jokes lament,
When Feasts and Fellows flourish — after Lent.
Adieu, dear relics ! breezes, waft them wide ;
Hurled be my chaff o'er every sea and coast.
Lo ! in dim future over Time's dull tide
A bearded few defy a beardless host.
More bald than bold the baffled heroes fly,
Or fall content in shaving's cause to die.
248 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Arise, Avenger, trom those locks of hair,
Break the shorn tyrant's serried panoply ;
Our youth the gift that Nature gives shall wear,
Our lips shall moult before no Dean's decree ;
And Seniors, pale with envy of our crop,
Shall beat their brains out with the shaving-strop.
H. W. LORD.
249
THE DEATH OF THE CAPUT.
The "Caput," over the death of which Shilleto here mourns, was jor
centuries one of the most important institutions in the University of
Cambridge. It consisted of the Vice- Chancellor and five others. Three
of the latter ivtre heads of colleges, or professors representing the faculties
of divinity, Icav, and physic, -vhile the other two were the senior mem-
bers of the Non- Regent and Regent House respectively . Tlie Non- Regent
House included all M.ASs of more tlian five years' standing ; the Regent
House, M.A.'s below that standing, who, ^lntil the practice of public dis-
putation ceased, presided in the schools (regeve in schola). Any member
of the "Caput" could veto any proposal brought forward or any grace
submitted to the Senate, and the Vice- Chancellor was supreme in the
" Caput." It was replaced by the Council.
A NAME hath perished, handed down from Great Elizabeth ;
Crowd, ladies old, and celebrate the last rites due to death.
Go ye upon your pious task, for the dead Caput mourn ;
The Veto, empty name, sleeps low in everlasting urn.
If a fond lingering regret for regent touch your hearts ;
If for non-regent, seniors both of Masters skilled in Arts ;
If for the vetoing power once given unto the Doctors three,
Who erstwhile went to represent each learned Faculty ;
Go ye in crowds, ye ladies old ; loose, Elegiac Muse,
Thy locks dishevelled : Granta sad her defunct Caput rues.
Ye Seventeen, who over halls or colleges preside,
Henceforth with you the reins of power the Senate shall
divide.
So we amongst ourselves henceforth our share of honour
hold,
So you'll not feather for yourselves your nests, ye ladies old.
250 JAT CAP AND GOWN.
See yonder man with drooping wings, Lord of Emmanuel,
To whom his wondrous archness gives his name's first
syllable,
Who seeks, as duck at thunder-tide, with uprolled eye the
clouds,
And in his toga's ample fold his sacred loins enshrouds.
Why, old man holy, weepest thou ? A council shalt thou
see,
Where the Vice-Chancellor is past and ever past shall be.
So shall a Caput still be left albeit the Caput's dead :
So, as before, a Caput yet reigns in the council Head.
Nor add we one, but four beside ; a portent strange and
greater
Than Hydra docked by Hercules brings forth our Alma
Mater.
So shall thy forehead's solemn grace preserve its honours
due;
So shalt thou haply be thyself part of the council new.
Still Corrie's firmness shall survive ; we shall be still
beguiled
By Whe well's courteous gentleness, and Cartmell's wisdom
mild.
R. SHILLETO.
THE UNIVERSITY BOAT-RACE.
These verses on the University Boat-race appeared in a short-lived
periodical entitled" The Realm" -which was edited by Mr. G. J. Cay ley,
and numbered Mr. Mortimer Collins and Mr. Arthur Lodier among its
contributors.
WHICH of ali moments of life brims over with glory
supremest ?
Sweet, Senior Wrangler and Smith's Prizeman, to pass
Double First !
Sweet, in your maiden speech to astonish the Treasury
Benches,
While even Palnierston grunts, " 'Gad ! here's a chap that
can speak."
Sweet, amid lime-trees' blossom, astir with the whispers of
springtide,
Maiden speech to hear, eloquent murmur and sigh.
Ah, but the joy of the Thames, when Cam with Isis con-
tending,
Up the Imperial stream flash the impetuous Eights !
Sweeping and strong is the stroke as they race from Putney
to Mortlake,
Shying the Crab-tree bight, shooting through Hammersmith
Bridge ;
Onward elastic they strain to the deep low moan of the
rowlock j
252 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Louder the cheer from the bank — swifter the flash of the
oar!
Ay, and the winners that day, whether light blue win it or
dark blue,
Seldom hereafter in life glory supremer shall know !
MORTIMER COLLINS.
253
YE MOST PLEASAUNTE DREAME OF
COELEBS, YE CAMBRYDGE FELLOWE.
The Celibate question was very much debated in 1856-7. The late Dr.
Potts issued a printed letter, suggesting that a memorial should be pre-
sented on the subject to the University Commissioners. Shilleto wrote one
of his brilliant Aristophanic dialogues •, tailed "Ex Satyri <pi\oyd[j.ois
'Eratpois," while " Ye most Pleasaunte Dreamc of Coelebs, ye Cam-
brydge Fellowe," which was written by Mr. Cuthbert Bade, appeared
in " Punch," and is here reprinted by permission,
A FELLOWE it was of Trinitye,
And he laye on ye grassye grounde,
On ye hither ripe of ye muddy Cam,
In a drearnye summer swound.
Like ye mains pastor dormivit he
Supinus lay and snored ;
And he slept soe sounde, it was plaine to see
With his bedde he was not bored.
A resident Fellowe he was, I wis,
He had no cure of soules ;
And across ye Bridge of Sues 1 he'd come
From playinge ye game of bowles.
1 Vulgariter, Sighs.
254 IN CAP AND GOWN.
And now, aweary, he laye and slept,
As lazye as was the river ;
And ye limes made a shadye networke
About his head to quiver.
Ho ! Fellowe, what are your thoughts, I aske :
Ho ! Fellowe, what do you dreame ?
He dreameth, alas ! what comes not to pass
On ye banks of that sluggish streame.
He dreams of a bright-eyed, browne-haired girl,
Sprightly and gleesome enow,
Who, in an aunciente Rectory e house,
Is keepynge their trewe love vowe.
She has waited and watched for wearye years, —
Tis a long engagemente, I ween ;
And her face doth 'gin to pale and to thin, —
Though not by her it is seen.
Yet others are quick to mark what Care
And anxious Wai tinge have done ;
Others can trace in her patiente face
Ye wrecke that Time hath begunne.
She has no fortune, save hersen,
Though that is a treasure, I trow,
Yet not enow for ye keepynge of house,
As times and taxes goe.
And he has nought but his Fellowshippe,
And not marrye on that he maye :
For gin he marries, his Fellowshippe
He loses for ever and aye.
YE DREAME OF COELEBS. 255
And soe they are in a dysmal plyghte, —
Tethered and tied to a stake, —
Bound by a vow, like an iron chayne
That they maye not snappe or breake.
******
Ho ! Fellowe, why starteth thou now in thy sleepe ?
Is ye gadde-flye styngynge thy nose ?
Not soe ; for he smyleth ; and gadde-flyes' stynges
Are productive of cruelle woes.
'Tis a pleasaunte fancye that haunts his dreame ;
Ye Fellowes, their prayer hath been hearde,
And heads of Housen, and Vice-Chancellere
Injudgemente good have concurred.
It hath been decreede, that ye Fellowes may wed,
And settle in College walls ;
And wake ye echoes of cloistered lyfe,
With their lyttel chyldren's squalls.
And Coelebs seeth that brown-haired girl,
No longer wan and dree ;
But buxomme, and blythe, and debonaire,
Converted to Mystress C.
He seeth her seated in easye ehaire —
A sunbeame amid ye gloome —
Braydynge a lyttel Babye its cappe,
All within ye College roome.
He seeth her walkynge in College courtes,
Admyred of all spectators,
With her olyve branches buddy nge arounde,
Or stuck in perambulators.
256 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Wives and childrenne of Fellowes he sees,
Swarmynge ye classic shades,
While, with many a laughe, ye studentes chaffe
Ye prettye nurserye maydes.
Ye Trinitye Fellowe giveth a starte ;
Too bright the vision doth seem !
And Coelebs waketh to bachelor life,
And finds his marriage a dreame.
CUTHBERT BEDE.
257
A SATIRE.
"A Satire," as well as the Trinity Boat -song and " Advertisements "
-which follow it, appeared in a periodical called " 7 he Bear" of which the
editor, and sole attthor, was G. 0. Trevelyan. Only one mimber oj
" The Bear" appeared, in October, 1858, and it was intended to bur-
lesque the first number of an undergraduate journal called " The Lion,"
edited by H. R. Haweis (see p. 267). " The Bear" has several times been
republished by request, the last edition bearing the date 1862.
THROUGH every College of this town of ours,
From Magdalene Bridge and royal Margaret's towers,
To where, 'midst Downing's solitary grove,
One pensive freshman sighs his unshared love,
Each thinks his favourite pursuit the best,
Talks of it only and ignores the rest.
Bedecked with horse-shoe pin and various rings,
See Publius lounging past the screen of King's :
Publius, whose idle stare and ready laugh,
Whose pear-shaped pantaloons and flaunting scarf,
Whose plastered shining hair and heated cheek,
Where the crude fumes of last night's claret reek,
Prove that he's earned the noble title well
Of Granta's flashiest son and haughtiest swell.
If some allusion to our books we drop,
Publius straight bellows out, " Let's have no shop ! "
But, dearest Publius, you must surely see
That from this charge not even you are free.
s
258 IN CAP AND COWX.
Is it not shop which th'rough our ears you bawl
At luncheon, supper, lecture, chapel, hall ?
Your Fitz and Happyland; your "take you; done !"
How much Lord Derby lost, Sir Joseph won ;
How you deceived some poor confiding fool ;
How well you fared at Brag, how ill at Pool ;
Who, while each beef-fed toper stared aghast,
Swilled the most bumpers, and was sick the last.
Yes, you may talk the vilest shop, although
More than your duns you dread the Little-go ;
Though you are posted dullest in your College ;
Though fractions are your proudest claim to knowledge ;
Though you had rather swim from John's to Clare
Than tell the colour of Minerva's hair ;
Though you would sooner float from Clare to John's
Than name Achilles' sire or Tarquin's sons.
There is a corner in our spacious hall,
Retired from view and comfortably small ;
In winter genial, and in summer cool ;
Where no gin-breathing bedmaker holds rule,
No waiter tears away the half-cut meat :
One well-fee'd gyp attends with ready feet.
There long we sat, a band of ancient friends,
With common pleasures and with common ends ;
There would we share our joys, impart our grief;
There praise the audit and abuse the beef;
Discuss the latest scholar's age and race ;
Guess at each freshman's class, each wrangler's place.
Till one ill-omen'd evening Varus came,
Crooked alike in form and mind and name ;
Full of the choicest anecdotes from Searle's,
As fools to swine fling forth the glittering pearls ;
With what swift strokes past Grassy Magdalene pulls ;
Wrhat odds are offered on the College sculls ;
A SATIRE. 2-g
How Caius is spent with ceaseless steaks and toil ;
How Sidney's crew are nightly bathed in oil ;
What Milo thinks — Cease, driveller, 'tis true
Milo talks boating shop as well as you ;
But Milo's tall and strong, and twelve stone one,
And Cambridge hails him as her pluckiest son ;
Like young Alcides, when in youthful pride
He pulled the Argo through the Euxine tide.
Each gay Oxonian's face grew pale and grave
As Milo's oar came slashing through the wave :
And when, 'midst eddying wash and clouds of foam,
With dauntless hearts we charged the Johnian home,
As our victorious crew came sweeping in,
'Twas Milo's name rose loudest o'er the din.
But you, with boating shop to stun our ears,
At whose round back each passing bargeman jeers !
You the most clumsy booby in our club,
The yearly jest of every freshman's tub !
On whose stupidity the breathless cox
Exhausts his store of oaths before the second locks.
'Tis passing sweet, some sultry Sunday night,
Amidst the dense perspiring mass of white,
To watch, while vainly striving to be cool,
Some stripling fresh from cricket and from school :
The smooth and healthful cheek and waving hair,
No marks of late debauch, or pain, or care ;
The figure trained in many a manly game,
Glowing with dreams of liberty and fame.
But sweeter far through coming years to trace
That young form's growth in stature and in grace ;
To see that brow so promising and brave
Return each autumn browner and more grave :
Till, from the race of honours nobly run,
With cups and scholarships and medals won,
260 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Conscious of power, burning for the strife,
He parts to battle in the field of life.
But some, in spite of whiskers and of years,
Are schoolboys still, with schoolboy hopes and fears ;
Whose conversation reeks with bat and ball,
With " love games," " long field on," and " fourteen all : "
How by a brilliant hit or clever catch
They saved the fortunes of the desperate match ;
Why, for some puzzling and recondite reason,
Their score has made so poor a show this season.
What though in scholarship you vie with Cope ?
Though you be Hopkins' dearest pride and hope ?
You think it more that on some lucky day
Wisden or Grundy praised your style of play.
Talk as you will, deny it if you can,
Cricket and raquets do not make the man.
Nought will avail the highest average,
And the score stretching over half the page ;
Nought will avail the shirt of varied hue,
And the proud scarf of yellow mixed with blue ;
Unless their owner shun with honest shame
All that becomes not well the Cantab name ;
Unless his heart be good, his word secure,
His reputation as his jersey pure.
Give me, I pray, the virtues of the mind ;
Be just and generous, temperate and kind ;
Careful of conscience and of honour's laws ;
Proud of your college ; ardent in her cause ;
And when amidst your glad eleven's roar,
Hit all across you gain a clumsy four,
Then will I shout, as shouted Harrow when
Fell Waller's stumps for fivescore runs and ten.
Yet foolish though it be, I know full well
How fondly still on school-day tales we dwell.
A SATIRE. 261
Oft, when the heart within is vexed and weary,
And all without seems cold and hard and dreary,
Far, far away the wounded spirit strays
To the dear seat of purer, happier days ;
To the old school-house, and the favourite grove,
Scene of our brightest joy and fondest love ;
There were our earliest, sweetest triumphs won,
Ere pain, regret, and care had well begun.
Lives there a slave with soul so dead to shame
Who would not peril bear, and toil, and blame,
For that dear hearth, where when 'twas idlesse all,
And comfort reigned throughout the social hall,
'Midst tried and faithful friends he lounged away
The lazy eve of some November day ;
Recalled the sad mischances of the match,
Each fiery charge, and each disputed catch ;
And with resistless logic showed how mean
Our foes, how pure our every act had been ?
G. 0. TREVELYAN.
TRINITY COLLEGE.
262 IN CAP AND GOWN*
TRINITY BOAT-SONG.
i.
DRINK to first Trinity's conquering boat ;
The best piece of timber that e'er was afloat !
Drink to the men, who so trusty and strong
'Midst danger and treachery, pulled us along,
As Englishmen should, to the head of the river !
Drink to our boat, and three hearty cheers give her !
II.
Drink to four and to five, the pride of our crew,
Who lifted her in with the oars of light blue.
At Putney the Oxford lads hopelessly tried
By straining and tugging, to keep at their side.
And while the bank rang with a Trinity cheer,
The red shirts of John's were left far in the rear.
in.
Drink to our stroke ; send the bowl briskly round :
To our bow ; whom the scull-race with glory has crowned
To the freshmen, who showed to her Ladyship's crew
What pluck and a love for your College can do :
Drink to the nine once again ere we part,
Whose names are engraved on each Trinity heart.
TRINITY BOAT-SOXG. 263
IV.
And now, one more glass to our own noble Club,
From the 'Varsity oars to the lads in the tub.
Long may she flourish, successful, united ;
Shamed by no friend, by no enemy blighted !
And may all her true sons labour early and late,
To keep what she won in the year fifty-eight.
G. O. TREVELYAN.
264 IN CAP AND GOWN.
A D VER TISEMENTS.
The advertisement of James Johnson, who is willing to touch up old
hats, is to be found on p. 358 of the second "volume of Sir George O.
Trevelyarfs " Life of Lord Macaulay," as well as in " The Bear." It
occurs in a letter from Lord Macaulay to Mr. Ellis, and is prefaced by
these words : " I send you some exquisite lines, which I saw placarded on
a wall the other day. The versification and diction seem to me perfect.
Byroni's ' My tune, oh ye Muses,* is not so complete in its kind"
As the expenses of this publication will fall heavily on an individual,
seeing that all the editors, with one exception, have relused to con-
tribute to the support of the magazine, we have been reluctantly com-
pelled to raise funds by inserting any advertisement which may be
sent us.
ON Balaclava's fatal plain
A wounded soldier lies,
And as he thinks upon his home,
Tears dim his hardy eyes :
His dying charger struggling near,
Pants answer to his sighs.
" Curse that jack-boot ! " he sadly cried ;
" They said 'twas shot-proof, but they lied ;
The villains took me in.
Would that, like Captain Gray, I'd bought
At Samuel Green's, 6, Lombard Court,
Of Bishopsgate Within ! '
ADVERTISEMENTS. . 265
The mother sees a hectic flush
Steal o'er her darling's face :
She sees consumption's fatal touch
That well-loved form embrace \
And tearful murmurs, as she views
The dread disease's trace,
" Woe worth that sad November day,
When on the grass my child would play
In shoes of texture thin.
Alas, alas I they were not bought
At Samuel Green's, 6, Lombard Court,
Of Bishopsgate Within."
A century hence, when we are dead,
Some pensive Hindoo swain
Will find a mouldering pair of Boots
On the wild Indian plain :
And he'll exclaim, as eagerly
He stoops the prize to gain :
" The hero's name has passed away,
His sword is rust, his form is clay ;
He fell when England's firm array
The Kaisembagh did win.
His boots remain, for they were bought
At Samuel Green's, 6, Lombard Court,
Of Bishopsgate Within."
ALTHOUGH it is wrong, we must freely confess,
To judge of the merits of folks by their dress,
Yet we cannot but think that a shocking bad Hat
Is a very poor sign of a man, for all that.
266 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Especially now that James Johnson is willing
To touch up your old ones in style for a shilling ;
And give them a gloss of such beautiful hue,
As makes them look newer than when they were new.
FOR prices wonderfully small,
Jones sells superior Tea to all
Who to his house repair.
Where else, he asks, can people find
Goodness and cheapness so combined ?
And Echo answers, Where ?
G. O. TREVELYAN.
THE CAMBRIDGE DIONYSIA.
A CLASSIC DREAM.
" The Cambridge Dionysia" by (Sir) G. O. Trevelyan, was published in
I 858, and is an attack upon No. 2 of " The Lion," a periodical edited by
ff. R. Haweis. It is reprinted here from " The Ladies in Parliament
and other Pieces" published by Messrs. George Bell and Sons.
In the year 1858 there appeared at Cambridge "The Lion," a maga-
zine very creditably conducted, written chiefly or entirely by under-
graduates. It displayed Transcendental tendencies, which, combined
with the belief that some of the contributors knew a good deal of
German and the certainty that others knew very little Latin, excited
the bitter wrath of those young men who aspired to classical honours,
and among them the author, who parodied the first number in a per-
formance entitled "The Bear." A second number of the obnoxious
publication soon followed, and produced "The Cambridge Dionysia,"
which was written in a frenzy of boyish indignation. " The Lion " sur-
vived this renewed assault, and got eventually into a third number —
which for a University periodical may be considered an instance of
longevity.
The plot, and much of the text, are in pretty close paraphrase of " The
Wasps." By a fortunate chance the names of the two principal
characters in the original play required nothing but the elision of a
single letter to adapt them for Cambridge use.
TRINITY COLLEGE, November, 1858.
ON the first Audit day of this year Shillibere told me that
as it was the TnQoiyia. x he would excuse my reading with him,
1 The classic mind of the great coach might well find an analogy
between the day in the rubric of old Athens which derived its name
from the opening of the casks to taste the wine of the preceding year,
and the day in the calendar of modern Trinity when by solemn custom
the fresh brew of college ale flows in mediaeval abundance.
268 IN CAP AND GOWN.
but bade me get up the subject of the Dionysiac festivals
against our next meeting. I took a longer walk than was
my wont, and by hall-time was quite ready to appreciate
the fact of its being a feast. After dinner Barlow, the
Bachelor Scholar, came to my rooms, and we sat up late,
drinking sherry and discussing the merits of the ale at the
different colleges. When he had gone I took down "The
Wasps," but somehow or other I could not make much
of them. So I drew my easy chair to the fire, filled my
pipe, and opened Smith's Antiquities on the article "Dio-
nysia." But the Greek words bothered me, and I was
too lazy to rise for a Lexicon. So I fell a-thinking on
Athens, and what glorious fun the festival must have been.
I can recollect nothing more till I found myself in the midst
of a strange dream. And yet, marvellous as it was, nothing
seemed to surprise me ; but I took it for granted that every-
thing was perfectly natural and consistent. And the dream
was as follows : —
I was still sitting in my rooms with my books before
me : but it was broad daylight, and a lovely morning, such
as sometimes breaks upon us, even at Cambridge, in the
beginning of November. The courts were very quiet, but
I heard a constant shouting in the distance, as if there was
some tumult in the streets. Suddenly the door flung open,
and Barlow appeared. He looked flushed and excited ; on
his head was a garland of ivy-leaves, and he swung in his
hand a pewter. " Shut up your books," he cried : " no
reading on the -mOoiyia.. If you do another equation I'll
inform against you for impiety. The God, the jolly God,
hates Colenso worse than he hated Pentheus. I've come
to fetch you to the theatre, whether you will or no.
There is a new comedy to be represented, and all the
University will be there. By Hercules, I hope they'll hit
the authorities hard. When the performance is over we
THE CAMBRIDGE DIONYS1A. 269
sup with Rumbold of Caius, culinary Caius, the head-
quarters of good living. I am king of the feast, and not
a soul shall get off under three bottles. We have stolen
the chaplets from the Botanical Gardens ; Ingrey sends the
dessert, and Stratton has promised to bring two flute-players
from Barn " Here I started up, crying, " Barlow, lead
on ! I'm your man." And we danced out of the New
Court gate, and up the lane into Trinity-street. And there
was a sight that made my heart leap.
The whole road was crowded with men, all in the wildest
state of joy and liquor. Every one acknowledged the
presence of the God, to whom liberty and licence are dear.
Laughing, singing, cheering, jesting, they were pouring in
an unbroken stream towards Magdalen-bridge. Gyps mingled
with the throng, enjoying perfect freedom and equality on
this day of the year. Ever and anon some fresh band of
revellers issued from the colleges and lodging-houses on the
way, and swelled the main flood. Here came a mob of
Queen's men, sweeping the street, and roaring at the pitch
of their voices, " For he's a jolly good fellow ! " referring
probably to the late senior wrangler. There, from the
great gate of Harry the Eighth, streamed forth the whole
club of Third Trinity. In front, arm-in-arm, strode the
victorious four; while elevated on the shoulders of the
crew of the second boat sat the secretary, his temples
crowned with roses, riding a huge barrel, and bearing in
his hand a silver bowl foaming with cider-cup. As we
passed All Saints'-passage, from the direction of the Hoop
Inn there moved a goodly company, twenty-five or thirty
in number, and my companion whispered me. that this
was the Historical Society, and bawled out to them to ask
whether Elizabeth was justified in putting Mary to death.1
1 The Historical Society took its rise at a time when the debates at
the Union had given such an impulse to oratory, that men were found
270 IN CAP AND GOWN.
And just inside the gateway of St. John's College, there
was a group of young men who successively tried to dance
on an inflated pigskin. And he who danced best received
a draught of their ale. And presently there came by a
drunken Trinity sizar, who, after a successful trial, took
the flagon, but when he had tasted, he cursed, and spit,
and swore no Trinity shoe-black would condescend to
drink it. Upon which a stout Johnian kicked his shins,
and, as it was evident that trouble would ensue, and that
we as men of the same College would be implicated in it,
we hurried away, not wishing to desecrate the festival of the
God by evil feelings. And on Magdalen-bridge was seated
a knot of idle fellows who chaffed all the passers-by. And
among others they told a solitary individual in a Downing-
gown that he was so few that his College did not think it
worth its while to brew for him, but had sent out for a
gallon of swipes from the Eagle for his special consump-
tion. So at last we arrived at the gate of the theatre,
and after paying threepence each, which had been furnished
us from the University Chest, we went in and sat down.
One side of the Castle-hill had been hollowed out into
a spacious theatre. Tier above tier the long benches rose
to the summit of the slope. In the front seats were the
Vice-Chancellor, and the heads of colleges, and doctors of
divinity, and professors, and noblemen, and all who could
claim founders' kin. And the rest of the space was filled to
overflowing with undergraduates and bachelors. But all
females were excluded from the spectacle. And the throng
was very clamorous, and many were provided with oranges
and nuts, and even stones, wherewith to pelt the unpopular
who thought once a week not often enough for discussing to what extent
Hampden was legally authorized in resisting the imposition of ship-
money, and whether Addison or the Duke of Marlborough most
deserved the admiration of posterity.
THE CAMBRIDGE DIONYSIA. 271
actors. And in the orchestra was an altar, at which Shilli-
bere stood, crowned with ivy, and robed in a long white robe.
And from time to time he poured copious libations of ale
upon the ground. And the stage was veiled with a great
curtain, embroidered with the loves and deeds of ancient
and godlike men. And there I saw how the chosen heroes
had launched a boat of pristine build, and ventured down
the river in search of the Golden Fleece, where, as rumour
said, the beer which the immortals drank was brewed.
And I saw too how,- as they passed along the black water,
the first prow which had ploughed those waves, the men of
Barnwell came down to the shore to wonder at the strange
sight. And how, near the Stygian ferry, they came upon
a fierce race, who seized their boat with long poles, and
threw with unerring aim brickbats which ten bargemen
of these days would in vain attempt to lift. And how,
when at length they had found the Golden Fleece, their
young chief was captured by the landlord and his friends,
and locked up in darkness and solitude. But the black-
haired daughter of the inn, who was cunning at medicating
ales and knew the virtues of strychnine and all bitter
herbs, was charmed with the flowing ringlets and easy
tongue of the youth. And she stole the key from her
father while he was overcome with drink, and eloped to
the boat with her new lover. All this I saw, and much more.
And next me sat a staid bachelor, who seemed as if he had
taken no part in the jollity of the morning. So we fell into
conversation, and he told me how the theatre had been built
under the inspection of Dr. Donaldson, from a comparison
of plans furnished by freshmen in the Trinity College ex-
aminations. And he said that the festival of this year was
jovial beyond any that had preceded it ; for that the public
mind had just recovered from the painful excitement caused
by the mutilation of the statues on the roof of Trinity library :
272 IN CAP AND GOWN.
which act men had suspected to be part of a plot for over-
turning the constitution of the University, and delivering us
over to the Commissioners. And that report said there
would be two Choruses in this play. And that fourteen
First Trinity jerseys had been ordered from Searle's, and one
of great size for the Coryphaeus. And he would have said
more, but a tipsy Pembroke man bade him hold his tongue,
or he would bring against him an action of sacrilege at the
next private business meeting in the Union, for disturbing
the worship o£ the God. So we looked, and the curtain
had already been drawn down. And the scene disclosed
was in the Old Court of Trinity, letter Z ; and two gyps were
asleep outside the door ; and the clock struck six, and first
one started up and then the other.
Gyp A. I dreamed we both were waiting in the Hall
Serving refreshments at the Bachelors' Ball.
There, gayest trifler in the throng of dancers,
Was Clayton * cutting figures in the Lancers.
Gyp B. Well dreamt ! But I have dreams as fine as you.
Here's one as marvellous, and just as true.
Methought I heard our Rhadamanthine Mayor
Deal justice from the magisterial chair.
A Corpus sizar had been well-nigh slain
By fifteen blackguards in St. Botolph's-lane :
The Mayor approved his fellow-townsmen's pluck,
And fined the plaintiff two-pound-ten for luck.
As pensively he rubbed his broken head,
" Confound old Currier Balls ! " * the gownsman said.
1 This gentleman preached an annual sermon against the Bachelors'
Ball : a festival about which reading men talked a great deal, but at
which they would as soon have thought of appearing as Mr. Clayton
himself.
2 In this autumn frequent collisions occurred between the boating-
men of the University and the police. The most obnoxious member
THE CAMBRIDGE DIONYSIA. 273
Gyp A. Come now, I'll chat a little with the audience.
Our master here, who keeps in the top-story,
Honest Philoleon, for his first three years
Led a most quiet and gentlemanly life.
He was not gated more than twice a term ;
He read three hours a day, rode every week ;
Last year pulled seven in our second boat.
In all things "moderation" was his motto.
But now he's gone stark mad ; and you must guess
What sort his madness is.1 \T& the spectators.
Gyp B. That Queen's man there
Says that he's bent on being senior wrangler.2
Gyp A. No, no ; he won't be old enough these ten years.
Gyp B. And that black-whiskered noisy party yonder,
Sitting amongst a group of Harrow freshmen,3
of the force was a certain 20 C, or 20 K, who is more than once
alluded to in the course of this drama. Mr. Balls, the Mayor for the
time being, had pretty constantly to sit in judgment on cases of assault
and battery.
1 £?rel Toiro^iere.
TIpovdirov ty-^ff* ovroffl
("Wasps, "line 7 3.)
* Queen's College carried off the blue riband in the years 1857 and
1858, in the persons of champions who, according to the gossip of the
Senate-house, were by some years senior to their competitors.
3 During the spring of 1858 a ministerial crisis occurred in the Union
Society. The official element had become unpopular among the mass
of the boating-men, whom in their turn the bureaucracy stigmatized by
the epithet of " the bargees." The most noisy orator of the opposition
was a Harrow freshman, who, upon one occasion, began a withering
peroration with the words, " There they sit, compact, united" — indicat-
ing at the same time the Government bench by a sweep of the arm —
an amount of gesticulation so unprecedented within those walls as to
convulse the audience with emotion. Party spirit at length ran so high,
and the attendance was consequently so large, that a stand-and-fall
division was taken in the neighbouring auction-rooms ; the Union itself
274 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Guesses he aims at office in the Union.
Gyp A. What, to be called united and compact ?
And to be chaffed in the suggestion-book ?
Not quite so low as that. Come, try again.
D'ye give it up ? Well, listen, and I'll tell you.
One Sunday evening last May term at tea
He met by chance a troop of roaring Lions,
And came back swearing he must join their number,
Or give up hopes of immortality.,
From that day forth he ran about the college,.
Talking of " Truth," and " Realised Ideals ; '
And asking men to give him a TTOV O-TW : l
And telling them he saw within their eyes
Symptoms which marked affinity of souls.
So, in this state of things, his younger brother
Bdelyleon came up this term to College,
A sensible sharp-tempered Eton freshman ;
Who, when he saw his brother's strange distemper,
Blushed for himself and for the family.
And first he tried by pleasing the old fellow
To wean him from his hobby ; taught him songs,
And took him out to supper : but whenever .
His health was drunk, and he was asked to sing,
He spoke straight off a canto from " St. Clair ; " 2
And then he dressed him in his best and washed him,
And got him made a member of the Musical :
But, at the first rehearsal, off he ran,
His fiddle on his back, and never stopped
Till he was inside Palmer's Printing-office.
having become nearly as uncomfortable as the House of Commons on
an ordinary business night.
1 " Give us a irov aria, and we will move the world." — Extract from
the Preface to "The Lion."
2 A poem in octosyllabics, entitled "St. Clair," was among the
contributions to "The Lion," which was published by Mr. Palmer.
THE CAMBRIDGE DIONYSIA. 275
So, vexed and wearied at his constant folly,
The young one locked him up within his rooms,
And placed us here on sentry day and night.
But the old chap is sly, and full of tricks,
And loves his liberty. [PHILOLEON appears at the window.
Phil. Hallo, you scoundrel !
Just let me out : 'tis time to go to lectures.
Gyp A. Why, you're a questionist : you have no lectures.
Enter BDELYLEON.
Bdel. Was ever freshman plagued with such a brother?
What have I done that I deserve this evil ?
I never was undutiful ; I never
Have read a line of Alexander Smith ;
Nor picked a pocket ; nor worn peg-top trousers ;
Nor taken notes at any college lecture.
Who calls Dame Fortune blind, does not bely her.
Phil. I want a supper order from my tutor.
Bdel. No, no, old boy, I took good care of that :
I got you an aegrotat. Sold again !
Where are you now ? Good heavens !
[PHILOLEON puts his head out of the chimney.
Phil. I'm the smoke.1
BdeL Confound the man who altered all our chimneys !
Jackson, run up, and beat him with the pewter
Till he backs water ; then clap on a sack.
[PHILOLEON reappears at the window.
Phil O Lord St. Clair, on bended knee
I charge you set the maiden free !
BdeL In mercy stop that nonsense quick :
Your Lion always makes me sick.
1 BA. OUTOS, T/S e? <rb ;
670)7' e£fpxoucu.
("Wasps," line 144.
276 IN CAP AND GOWN.
I feel as ill as when I tried
My first and only Smoker's Pride.
Phil. O may the curses of the Gods light on you !
And may you wallow in the lowest Hades,
Along with all the men who've struck their tutor,
Or laid against the boat-club of their College,
Or caught a crab just opposite the Plough :
In that sad place of punishment and woe,
Where lectures last from early dawn till noon,
And where the gate-fines rival those at Christ's,
And there's a change of Proctors every week ! *
Then you'll repent of having used me thus.
Bdel. You blasphemous old villain ! Come, you fellows,
We all must need some coffee this cold morning.
Enter Chorus of writers of " The Lion? preceded by
a chorister bearing a lantern.
Chorus A. Rosy-fingered dawn is breaking o'er the fretted
roof of King's.
Bright and frosty is the morning. Sharp and clear each
footfall rings.
Gyps across the court are hurrying with the early breads and
butters.
Blithely hums the master's butler while he's taking down
the shutters.
In our rooms we left the kettle gaily singing on the coals ;
And within the grate are steaming eggs and ham, and toast
and rolls.
Soon we'll have a jovial breakfast, with the members of our
mess,
Chatting of our darling project, future hopes, and past
success.
1 New Proctors are as much dreaded in the quadrangles as new
ministers in the public offices.
THE CAMBRIDGE DIONYSIA. 277
We have come to fetch our brother. What can cause his
long delay?
It was not his wont to keep us shivering here the livelong
day.
He was always sharp and sprightly when " The Lion " was in
question ;
Ever ready with an Essay ; ever prompt with a suggestion.
Surely he must be offended
At our leaving out his poem :
Yet no insult was intended,
As our want of space must show him.
Or perchance he came home jolly,
Wishing to knock down the porter,
And lies cursing at his folly,
With a tongue that tastes like mortar.
Show yourself upon the landing :
Hear your loved companions' groans :
For our feet are sore with standing
On the rugged Old Court stones.
[PHILOLEON shows himself at the window.
Phil. Comrades, when I heard your voices, how my heart
within me leapt !
Thoughts of happier days came o'er my spirit, and I almost
wept : —
Those bright days when free and happy with some kindred
soul I strayed,
Talking of The Unconditioned up and down the chestnut
glade.
Now a cruel younger brother keeps me under lock and key :
Those I hate are always by me. Those I love I may not see.
O my own, my cherished Lion, offspring of my cares and
toil,
Would that I and thou were lying underneath the All Saints'
soil!
278 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Drop your voices, dear companions, lest you rouse a sleep-
ing Bear.
Chorus A. Does he then despise our anger? All men
know who ate Don't Care.
Never fear him. We'll protect you. Do not heed his
threats and frowns.
Say your prayers, and jump down boldly. We will catch
you in our gowns.
[PHILOLEON places his leg over the window-sill, but
is seized from behind by BDELYLEON.
Bdel. Not so fast, you old deceiver ! From your evil
courses turn.
Never will I tamely let you join in such a vile concern.
Sooner than behold my brother sunk to such a depth of
scorn,
Gladly would I bear to see him walking on a Sunday morn
'Twixt a pair of pupil-teachers, all the length of Jesus -lane,
With a school of dirty children slowly shambling in his train :
Or behold him in the Union, on the Presidential seat,
Shakespeare smiling blandly o'er him, freshmen ranting at
his feet.
Get you gone, you pack of scoundrels ! Don't stand bawl-
ing here all day.
Williams, fetch me out the slop-pail : Jackson, run for 20 K !
Chorus A. Slay the despot ! Slay the tyrant ! Him who
cannot brook to see
All his neighbours dwelling round him peaceable, secure,
and free.
Well I know you've long been plotting how to seize the
Castle-hill
With a band of hired assassins, there to work your cruel will.
Let the man who wrote the " Sirens " make a feint upon
the door :
Bring us ladders, ropes, and axes; we must storm the
second floor.
THE CAMBRIDGE D10NYSIA. 279
Enter Chorus of First Trinity boating-men.
Chorus B. Here they are. Upon them boldly ! Double
quick across the grass !
Cut them off from Bishop's Hostel, lest along the wall they
pass !
Forward, Darroch ! Forward, Perring ! Charge them, Lyle !
And now remember
'Gainst what odds you fought and conquered on the fifth of
last November :
When you broke with one brave comrade through an armed
and murderous mob :
Fear not an aesthetic humbug, you who've faced a Cambridge
snob.
Men of twelve stone, in the centre ; coxswains, skirmish on
the flank !
You're too eager there, you youngsters : Jones and Prickard,
keep your rank !
Do not stay to spoil the fallen while a soul is left alive :
We must smoke them out and kill them, now we've caught
them in the hive.
\They charge the writers in " The Lion" who fly
in all directions.
Victory ! Victory ! now for a shout !
As when we bumped the Johnians out !
Vain was the might of Elective Affinities
When brought face to face with our valiant First Trinities.
Victory ! Victory ! Huzza ! Tantivy !
For when a man
Who can hardly scan
Talks of " the pictured page of Livy,"
'Tis time for every lad of sense
To arm in honesty's defence,
280 IN CAP AND GOWN.
As if the French were steaming over
In rams of iron from Brest to Dover.
[BDELYLEON comes out leading PHILOLEON, dressed
in a First Trinity costume.
BdeL Thank you, my brave allies ! And now to prove
The confidence I have in your discretion,
I here entrust to you my elder brother,
To watch his morals, and to cure his madness.
So treat him kindly ; put him in a tub,
And take him down the river every day ;
And see that no one asks him out to supper,
To make him tipsy. Be not hard upon him,
But let him have his pipe and glass of sherry,
Since he is old and foolish. And if ever
He comes back sound in body and in mind,
I'll stand you claret at the next club-meeting.
[Exit BDELYLEON.
PARABASIS.
We wish to praise our poet, who, despising fame and pelf,
Flew like a bull-dog at the throat of the jagged-toothed
monster itself,1
Which rages over all the town, from Magdalene-bridge to
Downing,
With the bray of a dreamy German ass, 'neath the hide of
Robert Browning.
But some of you good fellows think, as the poet grieves to
hear,
That you are laughed at in " the Bears," the play he wrote
last year :
1 6pafff{i>s (TVffras evdirs
OTT' apxiis avrcf rep Kapxo-p^ovn.
(" Wasps," line 1031.)
THE CAMBRIDGE DIONYS2A. 281
So he assures you faithfully no insult was intended.
Do not cherish bitter feelings; for, least said is soonest
mended.
And next he bids us tax our wit
To tell some members of the Pitt,
Whose names he knows not. when they meet
Him passing into Sidney-street,
Not to bawl out " The Bear ! The Bear ! "
First because he does not care :
Then surely for a man of taste,
It is a sin and shame to waste
In calling nicknames near the Hoop
The breath that's given to cool our soup.
So, being a good-tempered bard,
Whichever of them leaves his card
He'll ask him out next week to dine,
And shake hands o'er a glass of wine.
And now he bids you all good evening, and farewell till next
October ;
And hopes to-night you'll sup like princes, and that none
will go home sober.
If policeman K arrests you, let not that your spirits damp :
Break his head, and shave his whiskers, and suspend him to
the lamp.1 [Exeunt.
G. O. TREVELYAN.
1 This advice was taken only too literally. The officer in question,
on the night of the First Trinity boat-supper, ventured within the gates
of the college, and was there maltreated in a manner that led, if the
author's recollection serves, to the incarceration of some of the offenders.
The prosecutor commented with much severity upon the concluding
lines of the Dionysia.
282 IN CAP AND GOWN,
THE LAUREATES BUST AT TRINITY.
A FRAGMENT OF AN IDYLL.
This admirable parody of Lord Tennysoris " Guinevere" -written by
Tom Taylor, was suggested by the refusal of the Master and Seniors of
Trinity College to allow Tennyson's bust to be placed in the library, on
the ground that the Laureate was still alive. It is reprinted by permission.
So the stately bust abode
For many a month, unseen, among the Dons.
Nor in the lodge, nor in the library,
Upon its pedestal appeared, to be
A mark of reverence for green gownsman-hood,
Of grief to ancient fogies, and reproof
To those who knew not Alfred, being hard
And narrowed in their honour to old names
Of poets, who had vogue when they were young,
And not admitting later bards ; but now,
Last week, a rumour widely blown about,
Walking the windy circle of the Press,
Came, that stern Whewell, with the Seniors,
Who rule the destinies of Trinity,
Had of the sanctuary barred access
Unto the bust of Alfred Tennyson,
By Woolner carved, subscribed for by the youth
Who loved the Poet, hoped to see him set
THE LAUREATES BUST AT TRINITY. 283
Within the Library of Trinity,
One great man more o' the house, among the great,
Who grace that still Valhalla, ranged in row,
Along the chequered marbles of the floor,
Two stately ranks — to where the fragrant limes
Look thro' the far end window, cool and green.
A band it is, of high companionship, —
Chief, Newton, and the broad-browed Verulam,
And others only less than these in arts
Or science : names that England holds on high.
Among whom, hoped the youth, would soon be set
The living likeness of a living Bard, —
Great Alfred Tennyson, the Laureate,
Whom Trinity most loves of living sons.
But other thought had Whewell and the Dons,
Deeming such honour only due to those
Upon whose greatness Death has set his seal.
So fixed their faces hard, and shut the doors
Upon the living Poet : for, said one,
" It is too soon," and when they heard the phrase,
Others caught up the cue, and chorussed it,
Until, the poet echoing, " Soon ? too soon ? "
As if in wrath, Whewell looked up and said ;
" O Laureate, if indeed you list to try,
Try, and unfix our purpose in this thing."
Whereat full shrilly sang th' excluded bard :
" Soon, soon, so soon ! Whewell looks stern and chill !
Soon, soon, so soon ! but I can enter still."
" Too soon, too soon ! You cannot enter now:"
" I am not dead ; of that I do repent
But to my living prayer, oh now relent : "
" Too soon, too soon ! You cannot enter now."
284 IN CAP AND GOWN.
" Honour in life is sweet : my fame is wide.
Let me to stand at Dry den's, Byron's side."
" Too soon, too soon ! You cannot enter now."
" Honour that comes in life is rare as sweet ;
I cannot taste it long : for life is fleet."
" No, no, too soon ! You cannot enter now ! "
So sang the Laureate, while all stonily,
Their chins upon their hands, as men that had
No entrails to be moved, sat the stern Dons.
TOM TAYLOR.
THE CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY BOAT OF
1860.
The following poem is reprinted from " Macmillaris Magazine" for
May, 1860.
BY G. O. TREVELYAN, TRINITY COLLEGE, CAMBRIDGE.
In accordance with a custom established for some years past, the
following lines were written, by request, before the event of the contest.
Whether they had a Tyrtsean effect may be doubted ; their prophetic
attributes cannot be denied. The allusions are of a local nature, but the
general interest excited by the race may justify their insertion. It may
be well to remind our readers of the names of the oarsmen, and their
position in the boat.
1. S. Heathcote, Trinity. 6. B. N. Cherry, Clare.
2. H. J. Chaytor, Jesus. 7. A. H. Fairbairn, Trinity.
3. D. Ingles, Trinity. 8. J. Hall, Magdalene.
4. J. S. Blake, Corpus. J. T. Morland, Trinity.
5. M. Coventry, Trinity Hall. (Coxswain.)
SOME twenty years back, o'er his nectar one day : —
King Jove to the gods in Olympus did say,
" Degenerate mortals, it must be confessed,
Grow smaller each year round the arm and the chest.
Not ten modern navvies together could swing
The stone that great Ajax unaided did fling.
They may talk of their Heenan, and Paddock, and Nat :
I'll bet that old Milo, though puffy and fat,
Would thrash the whole ring, should they come within
range,
From slashing Tom Sayers to sneaking Bill Bainge.
286 IN CAP AND GOWN.
I've determined, as plain as the staff of a pike,
To show to the world what a man should be like.
Go fetch me some clay; no, not that common stuff,
But the very best meerschaum — and fetch me enough.
I'll make eight hearty fellows, all muscle and bone,
Their average weight shall be hard on twelve stone ;
With shoulders so broad, and with arms so well hung,
So lithe in the loins, and so sound in the lung ;
And because I love Cambridge, my purpose is fixed, I
Will make them her crew in the year eighteen-sixty."
Stand by me, dear reader, and list to my song,
As our boat round Plough-corner comes sweeping along.
I'll point out each hero, and tell you his name,
His college, his school, and his titles to fame.
No fear of a crowd ; towards the end of the course
They have left all behind but a handful of horse.
To keep at their side on the gods one must call
For the wind of a tutor of Trinity Hall.1
One stroke, and they're on us. Quick! Left face and double !
Look hard at the bow ; he is well worth the trouble.
'Tis Heathcote, the pride of First Trinity Club,
The boast of our Eight, and the tale of our tub.
No Oxonian so gay but will tremble and wince
As he watches the oar of our gallant Black Prince.
Who can think on that morn without sorrow and pain,
When valour proved futile, and skill was in vain ?
As they watched the light jerseys all swimming about,
The nymphs of the Thames, with a splash and a shout>
1 An allusion to Leslie Stephen, the king of length-runners, in days
before length-running became a profession.
THE CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY BOAT OF 1860. 287
Cried, " Thanks to rude Boreas, who, wishing to please us
Has sent to our arms Harry Chaytor of Jesus." *
Next comes David Ingles, and long may he live,
Adorned with each laurel our river can give.
Had the Jews seen our David but once on the throne,
They would not have thought quite so much of their own.
Deign, then, to accept this my humble petition,
And make me your chief and your only musician :
And so, when you've passed, as you will do with ease,
I'll sing you my David, a Song of Degrees.
Oh, blame not the bard if at thought of his section
The blood in his temples with vanity tingles :
Who would not dare deeds worth a world's recollection,
With a sergeant like Heathcote, a corporal like Ingles ?
Old Admiral Blake, as from heaven he looks down,
Bawls out to his messmates — " You lubberly sinners,
Three cheers for my namesake ! I'll bet you a crown
He'll thrash the Oxonians as I thrashed the Mynheers."
But oh for a tongue of a Dizzy or Cairns,
Thou fairest and strongest of Trinity's bairns,
To tell how your fellow-collegians in vain
Of the veal and the Peter-house pudding complain,
Of the greasy old waiters, and rotten old corks,
And the horrors that lurk 'twixt the prongs of the forks.
Men point to your muscles, and sinews, and thews, sir,
The wonder and envy of many a bruiser ;
And say that our grumbling exceeds all belief,
So well have you thriven on Trinity beef.2
1 The Cambridge boat was swamped in the race of 1860.
2 The burning question with Trinity undergraduates in 1860, as it
always had been, and perhaps always will be, was the alleged badness
of the dinner in halL
258 IN CAP AND GOWN.
But how shall I worthily celebrate you,
The hope of our colours, the joy of our crew?
Shall I sing of your pluck, or the swing of your back,
Or your fierce slashing spurt, most redoubtable Jack
The world never saw such a captain and cargo
Since Jason pulled stroke in the good ship the Argo.
And oh, when you pass to the mansions above,
Look down on your Cambridge with pity and love !
Then, on some future day of disaster and woe,
When the wash surges high, and our fortunes are low,
When Oxford is rowing three feet to our two,
And victory frowns on the flag of light blue,
Oh, then may our captain in agony call
On the Varsity's guardian angel, Jack Hall !
You may search the whole coast, from Land's End to
North Foreland,
But where will you find such a steersman as Morland ?
Let all honest Cambridge men fervently pray
That our pet Harrow coxswain, for once in a way,
Though as valiant a sergeant as any we know,
On Saturday next may show back to the foe.
So at night, when the wine-cups all mantling are seen
(Whatever the mantling of wine-cups may mean),
With your temper at ease, and your muscles unstrung,
And your feet 'neath the table right carelessly flung,
As you press to your lips the beloved nut-brown clay,
So cruelly widowed for many a day :
Oh, then as one man may the company rise,
With joy in their hearts, and with fire in their eyes,
Pour out as much punch as would set her afloat,
And drink long and deep to our conquering boat !
G. O. TREVELYAN.
YE CRUELLE COX WAYNE.
"Ye Cruelle Coxwayne" is reprinted from the "Light Blue" a
magazine which appeared twice a term from the Lent Term, 1866, to the
May term, 1871. It -was weighted with a long and tedious serial story,
and cannot be regarded as a successful publication.
S'R,
I have noted with considerable satisfaction the essays of some
of the youthful alumni of our Alma Mater in the alluring meads of
periodical literature ; a satisfaction not unalloyed by the circumstance
that no small portion are wanting in the dignity of theme and sedate
gravity of language that beseems even the juvenile members of a learned
university. Yet, even so, you too may some day say with the Umbrian
bard, that it is your joy to have cultivated Helicon in early youth. To
mark my sense of complacency with your attempt, I forward with this
a fragment which I have recently discovered in my elaborate researches
on the important subject of the pedigree of the Bloggs, of Blogg Hall,
co. Salop. Its archaic character may perchance serve to excuse its
frivolous tone, which sometimes seems to approach that object of my
utter aversion, burlesque. With hearty wishes for the success of your
magazine,
I remain,
Your very obedient servant,
VERRIDRY RYGHTER, LL.D., F.S.A.
[Endorsed — " Wrote bye my brother Hal, hys hande, at ye College
of Corpus Christi and ye Blessed Virgin Marye in Cambridge, in ye
month of October, A.S. 1597.]
NE yette ye fowlest monstre have I sunge
Which with hys creweltie doth us affryght ;
Of hym I stryve to telle with prentice tonge ;
Ye dredde of rowers alle : — ye Cockswayne hight,
u
290 IN CAP AND GOWN.
In sooth hee is a fiers and seely wight,
As ever tim'rous menne dyd quayle before :
In raymente warm and thycke is hee bedyght,
Ye while he joys to see us atte ye oare
Swinking alle lyghtlie cladde, til harte and hande be sore.
Smalle is hys guize ! yette sternely doth hee wreke
Hys wrath on any who from Rawleigh's weede
Dare in hys presense rayse ye comelie reeke,
Ne doth hee never piteous cravings heede,
Whenne for more beere in summer-tyde we plede ;
But h aught and stoure, as barron in hys halle,
With squeeky voyce, when as in soarest neede
Of reste we pant inspyring, hee doth calle,
"Fyve! are you nerelyreddy? Look sharpe ! Now row
on alle."
Ah ! what Hyrcanian tyger broughte thee forthe,
What amphisbaena of ye Lybian wylde,
What beare in forrests of ye salonge Northe ?
Certes, no gentle mother called thee chylde,
Ne hast thou never played with sisters mylde,
But some fowle fiend didde bryng thee from hys denne,
And us some spelle of grammarye beguyled.
But never shalt thou rule owr skyffe agenne,
Thou scorne of goddes above, and lothsome dredde of
menne.
C 291 )
HIC VIR, HIC EST.
" Hie Vir, hie est" by Charles Stuart Calverley, appeared in " Verses
and Translations," the first edition of which ivas published in 1862. The
author is so well known that little need be said concerning him here.
He was educated at Harrow, and in 1850 entered Balliol College, Oxford.
Here he found the discipline irksome, and removed in 1852 to Christ's
College, Cambridge. Of the many stories current about the Oxford days
of Mr. Calverley, or, as he was then called, Mr. Blayds, the follorving is
the best known. When he was admitted to take the oaths of a scholar in
the college chapel, he had just finished smoking a pipe. " On withdraw-
ing from the chapel," we quote from Mr. SendalVs biography, "Dr.
Jenkyns, the master, turned to the fellows, who accompanied him, and said,
' Why the young man is redolent of the weed, even now ! ' " // was no
doubt this remark of the famous old master of Balliol, which afterwards
suggested to their unknown author the following lines, which, like the
" Sic vos non vobis" of Virgil, received their first publication in the form
of a mural inscription —
* O freshman, running fast to seed,
O scholar, redolent of weed,
This motto in thy meerschaum put,
The sharpest Blades will soonest cut.'
To which Calverly at once replied : —
' Your wit is tolerable, but
The case you understand ill ;
The Dons would like their Blayds to cut,
But cannot find a handle.' "
After a brilliant career at Cambridge as an undergraduate, Mr. Calverley
was second in the first class in tJie Classical Tripos in 1856, and two years
292 IN CAP AND GOWN.
later was elected a fellow of the College. In his youth he was celebrated
for feats of physical prowess,' as well as for the elegance of his scholarship.
An accident in 1866 debarred him from taking a share in active life, and
it is as the most accomplished writer of playful verse since Praed that he
will be remembered.
OFTEN, when o'er tree and turret,
Eve a dying radiance flings,
By that ancient pile I linger
Known familiarly as " King's."
And the ghosts of days departed
Rise, and in my burning breast
All the undergraduate wakens,
And my spirit is at rest.
What, but a revolting fiction,
Seems the actual result
Of the Census's enquiries
Made upon the i5th ult. ?
Still my soul is in its boyhood ;
Nor of age or changes recks,
Though my scalp is almost hairless,
And my figure grows convex.
Backward moves the kindly dial ;
And I'm numbered once again
With those noblest of their species
Called emphatically " Men " :
Loaf, as I have loafed aforetime,
Through the streets, with tranquil mind,
And a long-backed fancy-mongrel
Trailing casually behind :
Past the Senate-house I saunter,
Whistling with an easy grace ;
me VIR, me EST. 293
Past the cabbage-stalks that carpet
Still the beefy market-place ;
Poising evermore the eyeglass
In the light sarcastic eye,
Lest, by chance, some breezy nursemaid
Pass, without a tribute, by.
Once, an unassuming Freshman,
Thro' these wilds I wandered on,
Seeing in each house a College,
Under every cap a Don :
Each perambulating infant
Had a magic in its squall,
For my eager eye detected
Senior Wranglers in them all
By degrees my education
Grew, and I became as others ;
Learned to blunt my moral feelings
By the aid of Bacon Brothers ;
Bought me tiny boots of Mortlock,
And colossal prints of Roe ;
And ignored the proposition
That both time and money go.
Learned to work the wary dogcart
Artfully thro' King's Parade ;
Dress, and steer a boat, and sport with
Amaryllis in the shade ;
Struck, at Brown's, the dashing hazard ;
Or (more curious sport than that)
Dropped, at Callaby's, the terrier
Down upon the prisoned rat
294 2N CAP AND COW*,
I have stood serene on Fenner's
Ground, indifferent to blisters,
While the Buttress of the period
Bowled me his peculiar twisters ;
Sung " We won't go home till morning ; "
Striven to part my back-hair straight ;
Drunk (not lavishly) of Miller's
Old dry wines at 78.
When within my veins the blood ran,
And the curls were on my brow,
I did, oh ye undergraduates,
Much as ye are doing now.
Wherefore bless ye, O beloved ones : —
Now unto mine inn must I,
Your " poor moralist," * betake me,
In my " solitary fly."
* *' Poor moralist, and what art thou ?
A solitary lly."
C. £. CALVERLEY.
"595 )
THE TATLER IN CAMBRIDGE.
" The Tatler in Cambridge" from which we extract three papers, and
which must not be confounded with a more recent journal entitled the
" Cambridge Tatler" was published weekly during term time, and lasted
from May, 1871, until Eastes, 1872. It was edited by Mr. (now the
Rev.} V. H. Stanton, and Messrs. A. W. Verrall and Christopher
Wordsworth were among its contributors.
No. 5. Friday, May 5, 1871.
Oi &\\oi TTot-nrai 8ia rrjs /-Ujinfj trews ri\v
Sfhytlffiv iroiovvrai.
PLATO.
A FEW days ago I was surprised, and not more surprised
than pleased, to receive a Visit from my old Friend the
Vicar of Flounder's End in this neighbourhood. I saw,
as he entered, that he was in high Good-Humour. Bethink-
ing me what could be the cause of his exceptional Spirits,
I said after the first Greetings were over, "I hope that
nothing has happened to either of your excellent Church-
wardens." " Nothing," he replied, with less Cheeriness
than might have been anticipated. "Surely the Lay-
Rector " But a rising Frown warned me from the
Subject. "No, my dear , the Parish is in every way
what it was ; but other Business has brought me here
to-day. In brief, I have seen your Paper, and hope you
will favour me, for old Friendship's sake, by introducing to
296 IN CAP AND GOWN.
General Notice a little thing of Charlies, you remember my
Son." Here it flashed upon my Mind that the Young Man
had been up a Year, and I had never asked him to Break-
fast. But before I could recover sufficiently to make my
Apologies, my Friend had blushed, produced a Packet from
his Coat, laid it on the Table and was gone. I opened
the Manuscript. Poetry ! I exclaimed, as I sat down in
earnest to the Perusal of the " Georgics, a Poem in four
Books, after the Latin of Publius Vergilius Maro." It is a
remarkable Production, and I regret that I have not Space
to lay the Whole before my Readers. I must confine my-
self to a few Extracts. As a Good Sample of his Style I will
quote a spirited Passage on Phospho-Guano.
"Far on a Rock amid Pacific Foam
The crop-winged sea-birds make their social Home ;
Their social Home with odorous Plenty reeks,
And soon the once inhospitable Peaks
Grow hoary — not with Eld, and on the Blast
Floats the mild Savour of the Banquet past.
Here (happy Kind, if Phosphates had not been ! )
In Peace they think to brave the stormy scene.
Alas ! our atmo-ponto-poric Age
Outrages far the elemental Rage :
Alas ! the swiftest Hurricanes that fly
Lay far behind 'James Gibbs and Company. "
Lo ! on th' Horizon's limitary Blue
A Speck, — a Cloud, — a Stream of coalish Hue !
It comes — the Steam-propelled ! — in wild Affright
The flopping Creatures fly the awful Sight,
And leaving, Bee-like, all their fragrant Store
To spoiling Hands, seek out another Shore.
Thus have I seen, with Ditton full in View,
The hapless Student in a frail canoe
THE TATLER IN CAMBRIDGE. 297
Start from his Dreams of Comfort at the Cry,
1 The 'Varsity ! '—and Strength and Paddle ply :
Him, as he dashes sidelong to the Bank
And gripes with both his hands the grasses lank,
The Coxswain stern, too full of Scorn to speak,
Avoids, avoids, yet ever seems to seek ;
Each close at Hand his Oar a Moment poises,
Dyed in a strong Solution of Turquoises,
Then dips and strains it ; rise on either Hand
Ridges obliquely refluent to the Land ;
The Shallop rocks — ' Macgregor ' shrinks and twitches,
And fleels the sousing Flood in all his Breeches."
It may perhaps be complained that our Young Author's
Illustration is scarcely Virgilian in Feeling. Yet be it
observed that it possesses the Requisites of a Virgilian
Simile ; — it is lengthy enough, and has as little as possible
to do with the Subject in Hand.
I will give one more passage from the First Book — the
Lines on " Prognostics."
" To hire the Steam-Plough for a certain Day
Portendeth Frost ; to hear a Neighbour say
That he hath hired it signifieth good —
Light Showers, quick easy Work, and softened Mud.
The Town too hath Prognostics ; you shall know
By many signs what sort of Wind will blow —
If ' Sports ' are on, expect a chilling Gale,
Though once this Portent has been known to fail.
The one perpetual Sign you may perceive,
Whose faithful Warning rarely will deceive ;
Plight o'er one Market-place at least there stands
A Constellation known 'in many Lands'
298 IN CAP AND GOWN.
As Jonas Webb, and when you see it there, \
Be sure of baleful Mist, or Parching Sere, I
Or leaden Cold as fits the time of Year. j
Not even he whose Face is in his Books
Is all unconscious how the Weather looks ;
His Vellums warp 'neath Summer's fell Sirocco,
And Mildew-Damps assail his best Morocco.
An empty Hall implies Newmarket Runs,
Fine Evenings, Proctors, and wet Mornings, Duns,
And almost any weather (such is Fate)
The Composition-Lecture will be late."
The last Line is really too bad. And I am glad to see
the worthy Vicar thought so too ; for he has drawn his
Pen through it and has written underneath —
" The Thieves will have a Grip at Church and State."
Though the Poem is divided into four Books, Virgil's Order
is not followed. The First and Second of Charlie correspond
to the First and Third of Publius. My last two Extracts
were from the First ; I will conclude with a Passage from
the Second on a Breed overlooked by Virgil — the " 'Varsity
Grey."
" If for the Honours of the ' Heath ' you burn,
Why any fretful Colt will serve the Turn ;
If Tow-paths please you, and the sober Course,
Well may you ponder ere you choose your Horse.
He must not shrink at Objurgations loud,
The plashing River, and the pushing Crowd,
Must boldly pass the Railway-Bridge, nor dread
To hear the hollow Rattle overhead,
Must trust the moving ' Grind/ nor seem to feel
The hideous Chiding of the creaking Wheel,
THE TATLER IN CAMBRIDGE. 299
Must never start at any distant Gun,
Must patient wait the Signal — Three— Two — One ;
Ears he may have (but very little Ear),
And Eyes enough his jostled Way to steer,
Must never move a Hair unless expected,
And O ! if ' Fiery/ must be quite •' Collected.'
In Paunch, at least not shorter than in Wind,
Stout if you like before, and 'not less stout behind.'
For Colour some the Chestnut, some the Bay
Prefer, but leave to me the ' Honest Grey ' —
Such shall you see bear G — Id — e through the Throng,
Or other Hero of Putneian Song.
t And such the Form (if Legends Truth declare)
That each Unsociable is doomed to wear,
To toil unthanked where others win the Prize,
A mere dumb Plodder in a brutish guise." f
This is evidently closely modelled in Parts on Virg. G.
iii. 72-94; but I am sorry to be unable to subscribe to the
ingenious Version of "honesti Glauci;" "obesa terga" also is
too much expanded, and " collectum ignem " quite misunder-
stood. The last four Lines are clearly an Insertion by the
Vicar. Poor Man, he was a Genius in his Day up here, but
his Conversational Powers quite ruined him !
A. W. VERRALL.
3oo IN CAP AND GOWN.
THE TATLER IN CAMBRIDGE.
No. 63. Friday, April 27, 1882.
" Vix illigatum te triform!
Pegasus expediet Chimaera."
HORACE.
MY Friend Narcissus, to whom I would crave leave to
introduce my Readers to-day, has two Peculiarities, — he is
always in Love, and always describing his Pangs in Verse.
Many and many a Note-Book, supplied to him by that
excellent Bibliopole Mr. Johnson to be filled with Notes on
Aristotle and Thucydides, bears Witness in immortal Rhyme
to the Perfections of Lalage or the heartless Conduct of
Lydia. Many an Hour, which should be devoted to the
Mastering of the Intricacies of Pindar or the Mysteries
which encircle the Indo-European Group of Languages, does
this unhappy young Man spend in the Composition of
thrilling Lyrics and Heart-rending Odes. Sometimes I have
walked behind him on the Trumpington Road, and have felt
sure that he was engaged in composing a new Poem ; and
I have generally felt sure, too, that it was in Honour or
Reproach of some new Flame. On such Occasions, he
usually walks very quick, and a low Muttering occasionally
catches the Ear of the Listener; he sometimes grasps his
Walking-Stick with Vehemence and strikes down imaginary
Obstacles with it in the Air ; sometimes his Pace quickens
still more as with Hope, and sometimes becomes slow and
THE TATLER IN CAMBRIDGE. 301
languid as though in Despair. On these occasions he is as
likely as not to run foul of a Perambulator which is being
pushed by a Pensive Nursemaid ; or to find between his
Legs a Hoop that is being trundled by some little Boy in
that guileless Disregard of the Comfort of his Elders, which
is the most charming Characteristic of innocent Boyhood.
For some Years past I have had the Honour of playing
the Part of Confidant to Narcissus ; and whenever he be-
comes entangled in a hopeless Passion (which occurs about
twice every Term) his First Measure is to write an Ode,
his Second to send this Ode to me. At first I used to be
seriously alarmed for my Friend ; and to imagine that either
his Reason was in Danger of being disturbed, or his Happi-
ness was quite destroyed. I would therefore hurry off to his
Rooms prepared to comfort, to admonish, or to reproach,
according as I thought it best for him, or according to my
own Temper at the Time. But as I invariably found him
thoroughly cheerful, not to say complacent, and once even
engaged in altering one of his most melancholy Compositions
to suit the Circumstances of his last Misfortune, I at length
learned to receive these Poems, however great the Despera-
tion expressed in them, with those resigned and softened
Feelings with which I generally hear of Misfortunes which
only affect my Friends.
As I am much above having any Respect for the touching
Confidences which Narcissus reposes in me, I intend to
present my Readers with one or two Specimens of the
Verses with which he has from Time to Time favoured me.
The following came by the Penny-Post
" Once on the Border-land of Sleep and Waking,
After a Day of Tears,
Just as the Morning in the East was breaking
A sweet Sound filled my Ears.
302 IN CAP AND GOWN.
"Sweet-dropping Whispers of a Voice that filled me
With a strange new Delight ;
Soft Velvet Touches of a Hand that thrilled me,
Like a sharp Beam of Light.
" And She stood near, and listened to the Story
Of my long Love and true ;
And I lay basking in the Love-lit Glory
Of the sweet Eyes I knew.
" Wherefore. Sweet Vision, are ye swiftly vanished ?
Why fade, Oh Radiance, in such Cruel Haste ?
Stay ye fond Dreams of Love all lost, and banished, —
Dreams of a Sweetness that I may not taste ! "
After the Receipt of this I went in the Evening to visit
my poor Friend, and found him entertaining a somewhat
noisy Supper-Party, he himself appearing by no Means the
least cheerful of the Group. I took a Seat near him, and
accepted his hospitable Proffers of Oysters and Porter, and
by-and-by I took an opportunity of laying a " Soft Velvet
Touch " upon his Arm, and saying in a " Sweet-dropping
Whisper " that I was glad this was not " a Day of Tears "
also. He gave me a look of mingled Reproach and
Anguish, and swallowed Two Oysters without Speaking.
Again, on one of the finest and most beautiful Days in
the May Term, Narcissu? Gyp brought me the following
Wail of Despair.
" Ah! not for me the Glory of the Spring,
Ah, not for me !
What though the Linnet plume a gayer Wing
On many a Tree ?
THE TATLER IN CAMBRIDGE. 303
"What though the Bud be bursting to disclose
Its fresh Green Heart ;
And many a Flower from Winter's dead Repose
By Magic start ?
" What though Fond Lovers look with softer Eyes
Upon each other,
And pure Breasts heave and pant with tender Sighs
They cannot smother?
" Ah, not for me the Glory of the Spring !
Ah wasted Youth !
Oh Days gone by that backward none may bring !
Ah tarnished Truth !
Ah Love that in my Heart might bloom and sing,
If Sin and Time could cease their Darts to fling ! "
I thought this a little more Serious than most of my
Friend's complaints, because it had somewhat less Love in
it. I therefore went my Way to see him. I found him
lying on his Sofa, by his Open Window, smoking a Pipe,
and reading a Novel; the Room was full of Violets and
other Flowers; the Window looked out into a Pleasant
Garden, and through it a most deliciously soft and fragrant
Spring Breeze was gently blowing; his Face wore that
fresh, sleek and glossy Appearance, which a Man's Face
does in the Prime of Youth and Health, when he is
smoking his First Pipe after Breakfast, and has not left his
Tub more than Half an Hour. By his Side stood a Pewter
filled with that delicious Drink compounded of Beer and
Gingerbeer. He looked the Picture of Indolence and
Comfort After regarding him for a few Minutes in Silence,
while filling my own Pipe, I remarked with my usual easy
wit, "Then I suppose Sin and Time have stopped their
304 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Shooting-Match ? " He did not blush or frown, but looked
at me with the ineffable Contempt felt by a Poetic Soul for
Prosaic Vulgar Ones.
I have learnt now, therefore, to receive these Effusions,
however tragic, with a serene Assurance, that whatever
Sorrows my gifted Friend experiences are entirely consoled
and dissipated by the Delight he takes in depicting them :
and that from the Chimaeras of his Brain, whatever they
may be, his Pegasus — even though it be represented by the
veriest Screw to be found in all the Cambridge Livery
Stables, or even by an Animal still humbler, — is all-sufficient
to release him.
E. S. SHUCKBURGH.
( 305 )
THE TATLER IN CAMBRIDGE.
No. 72. Friday, May 17, 1872.
" All the other Colleges in Fesse hold some Resemblance with this,
and in euery of them are Readers or Professors in diuers Sciences pro-
hibited by the Founders." — PURCHAS.
ALTHOUGH I never intended to supplement the Labours of
the reprinting Societies, I do not scruple to put before the
Learned the following Passage which my Friend Charlie
Highandry has decyphered from the Binding of a late
xiv1* Century Manuscript of the Golden Legend in the
College Library. He is of Opinion that it originally formed
the Conclusion of the i7th Chapter of the Voiage and
Travaile of Sir John Maundevile, Kt. (p. 186, in HalliwelFs
Reprint), but was suppressed by the Authority of the
"holi Fadir" the Pope as involving the Heresy of the
Antipodes.
"... And now I have seyd 3U the roundnesse of the
Firmament and wytethe wel that if a man schal take
Schyppyng and Mete and Drinke ynow, and schal flote stil
to Est fro the Londe of the grete Chane of Cathay, he
schal com, 3if he saile wyth Sotyltee, to Yles as our awen,
where men speken as wee in owr awen Tonge ; saf onlie, as
I wene, thei stonden feet a3enst feet with us, 3it ben thei nat
sicke ne da3yd — for thei ben so accostomed fro their 3outh
upp. Now in the firste of these Yles there ben felonous
306 IN CAP AND GOWN.
and dispytous Folke and wykked : for the lewed Peple
hiden hem in ambusch, and whanne thei se the Lordes of
the lond, thei sleen hem with Schottyngs. And these
others ben in gret Tribulacyon and mochel Drede of those.
And the He is cleped Yrelonde, sith the people ben ryghte
yrous and ful of Wrath. And in this Yle ben none Frossches
ne Todes ne Neddres ne Ratouns ne Mees ne Ewtes ne no
maner Venym, for their Seynte, as men seyn, ffrayed away all
manere soch Filthes, that there ben non left. And the peple
drinken Wyn of Greynes cesoned with Smoke : and whanne
thei ben wel dronken, thei fyghten wyth Battes and staves,
and syngen and maken Melodye as thei can.
" And in the next Yle ben Folk seefarying and Fysscher-
men wherefor men elepen that Contree Angle Lond in hir
propre Tonge. For at certeyn Cesouns cometh gret plentee
of Fysches so that man may nat unethes se but ffyssches : and
men take als many as hem liketh, and elepen hem Bloteres,
for a few of hem ben ynow to fil a man so that hee lakketh
nat Viaundes much mo.
" And herein ben many gode Townes, whereof one Town
is Grantebrigge, where ben Clerkes ryght plentwyse : 3it
can thei not syngen no maner Prickeson ne Psawtere : and
whanne thei se a Mynstralle or Jogulour thei have him not
ynto hir Hows wyth hys Organs or Psauterie, but thrusteri
him into the Waies and 3even him Money, two Pens, to
depart him unto the nyghe Strete; wych ys to me grete
Mervaylle. And thei han dyuers straunge Costomes, sum
gode and sume euyl, whereof I schall devyse 3ou but few,
sith Tyme ys short. Also I was not there ; but oftsythes I
have sen them that were. The $onge Men of hem grynden ;
but the olde Clerkes plow3en. And thei sailen gladly upon
the Flora Cham, which ys not so grete als Nilus by an
halfendelle; and for Symplenesse thei han ne Pylot ne
Lodesman to guide hir Schyppe, saf sely Cockes onlie, as
THE TATLER IN CAMBRIDGE. 307
men seyn, and when oon Schyp smytith an odir Schyppe
thei cryen, A Foule. Now they maken all hire Busynes and
Dyligeance for to ben held gode Roweres in Boots; and
thereto thei eten Colops of flesch of Beves rawe, and Eyren,
for to wexen strong, and thei drynken gode Beverage and
swete and norysshynge, but sum drynken Wyn prevyly, as the
Sarrazines don. For $if thei dronken it openly thei scholde
ben repreved. But thei deeme it gret synne to a scholay
in travaile of Bokes. For him which sitteth sadlye at
scripture of Bokes, which is a3enst Kynde, of hym sykerly
shul the chief Clerkes taken no Kepe : but of tho which
plaien and abyden abroad in the Nyghte cesoun, thei taken
note, and leet make a Bille of hire Names ; and on the
morwe the Dene of hire Chirche sendeth for hem to don
hem reverence. And oon of hem seyd, that 3if hee peyned
hym to abide abroad alle Night and retourned him not tyl
the morwe, the Maister or Abbotte hym self schall calle hym
to don hym the more Honour. And $if he $it abide abroad
oon nyghte or twey, then hee schal presently let remeve him,
sith he is preved wel conynge and parfeit, and apt to lernen
others and no longer to scolay. And als many, as gon
abroad in the Nyght, schuln araye himself in a long Goune,
for terrour of the Dogges. For there ben many Bulle
Houndes in thilke Citie, full flete and fiers ; that ys a grette
Plague ; and thei han thys kynde, that whanne thei sen
one go in thys Apparyl, thei grucchen, yet leten hym passe ;
but if one goe withouten that Rayment, anon thei lepen
upon him for to devouren • hym. And for so moche as that
is gret Peryl, thei appoynten four strong Prestes everyche
3eer, that han Wytt and Spede, for to suen tho Bestes. And
thei clepen hem Procurator es^ for that thei taken care of the
jonge Scoieres. And if oon of tho Dogges takyth ony man,
anon comith the Preste, and manassith thi Hound, and
chaceneth him, and worschipeth the man, and letteth him
308 IN CAP AND GOWN.
go, when he hath axid hym of hys Name and hys Duelling.
Yit ben thei covytouse and demannden of the folysche
$outhe so moche for hise Delyvrannce, VI pieces of Sylver
or mo, that full ofte a Man wole sunnere fle away, 3if that
hei maie, then dispende so gret Ricchesse for hys Sal-
vacyoun.
" Also thei estemen most worthi hym, who shall be found
aftre Ynquisycyon the most unlernyd in the Mathima-
tykes ; and thei toke hym a mighty grete Spone of Tre, for
that hee ys meet to suppe wyth the Fende hym selve for hys
noblenes. And when oon of the auncient Clerkis wil
maken a solempne Feste, hee 3iveth Billes of the Viaundes
to hys Guestis, but he endytith hem in an outlandish Tonge,
for hit ys not leful for hym to speke moch of that he eteth.
And yt is not leful in this Ryaum for a man to take mo
than oon Wyf; and sume take nat any, which is to me
grete Mervaylle, for thei ben restrayned by Lawe and de-
fended. Now understondethe wel, the Men of this Contree
ben gode Christen men as thei seyn ; howbeit thei don 3ive
worschypp to Ydoles and Symulacres according to hir
Noblesse and Paupertee, as I schal say jou. The olde
Clerkes worschippen Stockes and Rotes of Grew, and som
don honour to noysom and hydous Mostres, as Bestes wyth
III Feet, and thei clepen hem Tripoes, which ben a3enst
Kynde and felonous ; but the 3onge men maken homage
to lytille Go, and to Shippes and Destreres. And wytethe
wel, that thei ben Wynbibers, and folke glotenous ; for thei
make nat the mede of Delyvernesse als the men of Grew in
Elis and Olympia, of Appulles and soch Thynges ; but
Appules thei eten for Delyte sodden as Sawse with Gees,
and Parslyes thei leet kytten smale and sowcen hem in
Botyre and suppen hem wyth Flessche of Moutons seethyd :
but thei eten gladlyest of Pynes, and there of thei maken
gret servyse for Lordes. But for medes thei taken Cups of
THE TATLER IN CAMBRIDGE.
309
Sylver to drynken Wyn withal. And mo I wyl not now sey
3011 at this present cesoun, lest 3011 ben da3yd. Wherfore
Aristotle seyth in Moralibus, Haec missa faciamus> that is to
seyn, We may maken theise Mattres in a Messe."
CHRISTOPHER WORDSWORTH.
/,V CAP AND GOWN.
OCTOPUS*
BY ALGERNON CHARLES SIN-BURN.
The following three parodies, together with " 7 kings not generally
known" appeared in " 7^ Light Green," perhaps the most brilliant
periodical which the University of Cambridge has produced. Only two
numbers of it were published, the first in May, the second in November,
1872. It was entirely written by one undergraduate of St. fohrfs College,
named Arthur Clements Hilton (B.A. 1873), w^° unfortunately did not
live to fulfil the promise of these clever parodies. "The Light Green,"
Nos. l and 2, are still reprinted by Messrs. Metcalfe and Son.
STRANGE beauty eight-limbed and eight-handed,
Whence earnest to dazzle our eyes ?
With thy bosom bespangled and banded
With the hues of the seas and the skies ;
Is thy home European or Asian,
O mystical monster marine ?
Part molluscous and partly crustacean,
Betwixt and between.
Wast thou born to the sound of sea trumpets ?
Hast thou eaten and drunk to excess
Of the sponges — thy muffins and crumpets,
Of the seaweed — thy mustard and cress ?
Wast thou nurtured in caverns of coral,
Remote from reproof or restraint ?
Art thou innocent, art thou immortal,
Sinburnian or Saint ?
1 Written at the Crystal Palace Aquarium.
OCTOPUS. 311
Lithe limbs, curling free, as a creeper
That creeps in a desolate place,
To enrol and envelop the sleeper
In a silent and stealthy embrace ;
Cruel beak craning forward to bite us,
Our juices to drain and to drink,
Or to whelm us in waves of Cocytus,
Indelible ink !
O breast, that 'twere rapture to writhe on !
O arms 'twere delicious to feel
Clinging close with the crush of the Python,
When she maketh her murderous meal !
In thy eight-fold embraces enfolden,
Let our empty existence escape ;
Give us death that is glorious and golden,
Crushed all out of shape !
Ah, thy red lips, lascivious and luscious
With death in their amorous kiss !
Cling round us, and clasp us, and crush us,
With bitings of agonized bliss :
We are sick with the poison of pleasure,
Dispense us the potion of pain ;
Ope thy mouth to its uttermost measure,
And bite us again 1
A. C. HILTON.
312 IN CAP AND GOWN.
THE HEATHEN PASS-EE.
BEING THE STORY OF A PASS EXAMINATION. BY BRED HARD.
WHICH I wish to remark,
And my language is plain,
That for plots that are dark
And not always in vain,
The heathen Pass-ee is peculiar,
And the same I would rise to explain.
I would also premise
That the term of Pass-ee
Most fitly applies,
As you probably see,
To one whose vocation is passing
The "ordinary B.A. degree."
Tom Crib was his name,
And I shall not deny
In regard to the same
What that name might imply ;
But his face it was trustful and childlike,
And he had the most innocent eye.
THE HEATHEN PASS-EE. 313
Upon April the First
The Little-Go fell,
And that was the worst
Of the gentleman's sell,
For he fooled the Examining Body
In a way I'm reluctant to tell
The candidates came,
And Tom Crib soon appeared ;
It was Euclid.. The same
Was " the subject he feared ; "
But he smiled as he sat by the table
With a smile that was wary and weird.
Yet he did what he could,
And the papers he showed
Were remarkably good,
And his countenance glowed
With pride when I met him soon after
As he walked down the Trumpington Road.
We did not find him out,
Which I bitterly grieve,
For I've not the least doubt
That he'd placed up his sleeve
Mr. Todhunter's excellent Euclid,
The same with intent to deceive.
But I shall not forget
How the next day at two
A stiff paper was set
By Examiner U
On Euripides' tragedy, Bacchge,
A subject Tom " partially knew."
314 2N CAP AND GOWN.
But the knowledge displayed
By that heathen Pass-ee,
And the answers he made,
Were quite frightful to see,
For he rapidly floored the whole paper
By about twenty minutes to three.
Then I looked up at U
And he gazed upon me ;
I observed, " This won't do ; "
He replied, " Goodness me ;
We are fooled by this artful young person,"
And he sent for that heathen Pass-ee.
The scene that ensued
Was disgraceful to view,
For the floor it was strewed
With a tolerable few
Of the " tips " that Tom Crib had been hiding
For the " subject he partially knew."
On the cuff of his shirt
He had managed to get
What we hoped had been dirt,
But which proved, I regret,
To be notes on the rise of the Drama,
A question invariably set.
In his various coats
AVe proceeded to seek,
Where we found sundry notes
And — with sorrow I speak —
One of Bohn's publications, so useful
To the student of Latin or Greek.
THE HEATHEN PASS-ER. 315
In the crown of his cap
Were the Furies and Fates,
And a delicate map
Of the Dorian States,
And we found in his palms which were hollow,
What are frequent in palms, — that is dates.
Which is why I remark,
And my language is plain,
That for plots that are dark
And not always in vain,
The heathen Pass-ee is peculiar,
Which the same 1 am free to maintain.
A. C. HILTON.
316 IN CAP AND GOWN.
THE VULTURE AND THE HUSBAND-
MAN.
BY LOUISA CAROLINE.
N.B. — A Vulture is a rapacious and obscene bird, which destroys
its prey by plucking it limb from limb with its powerful beak and
talons.
A Husbandman is a man in a low position of life, who supports him-
self by the use of the plough. — JOHNSON'S Dictionary.
THE rain was raining cheerfully,
As if it had been May,
The Senate-House appeared inside
Unusually gay ;
And this was strange, because it vras
A Viva-Voce day.
The men were sitting sulkily,
Their paper work was done,
They wanted much to go away
To ride or row or run ;
" It's very rude," they said, " to keep
Us here and spoil our fun."
THE VULTURE AND THE HUSBANDMAN. 317
The papers they had finished lay
In piles of blue and white,
They answered everything they could,
And wrote with all their might,
But though they wrote it all by rote,
They did not write it right.
The Vulture and the Husbandman
Beside these piles did stand ;
They wept like anything to see
The work they had in hand :
" If this were only finished up,"
Said they, " it would be grand ! "
" If seven D's or seven C's
We give to all the crowd,
Do you suppose," the Vulture said,
" That we could get them ploughed ? "
" I think so," said the Husbandman,
" But pray don't talk so loud."
" Oh, Undergraduates, come up,"
The Vulture did beseech,
" And let us see if you can learn
As well as we can teach ;
We cannot do with more than two,
To have a word with each."
Two Undergraduates came up,
And slowly took a seat ;
They knit their brows, and bit their thumbs,
As if they found them sweet ;
And this was odd, because you know
Thumbs are not good to eat.
3i8 IN CAP AND GOWN.
" The time has come," the Vulture said,
" To talk of many things —
Of Accidence and Adjectives,
And names of Jewish kings ;
How many notes a sackbut has,
And whether shawms have strings.'*
" Please, Sir," the Undergraduates said.
Turning a little blue,
" We did not know that was the sort
Of thing we had to do."
" We thank you much," the Vulture said
" Send up another two."
Two more came up, and then two more,
And more, and more, and more,
And some looked upwards at the roof,
Some down upon the floor,
But none were any wiser than
The pair that went before.
" I weep for you," the Vulture said;
" I deeply sympathize ! "
With sobs and tears he gave them all
D's of the largest size,
While at the Husbandman he winked
One of his streaming eyes.
" I think," observed the Husbandman,
" We're getting on too quick ;
Are we not putting down the D's
A little bit too thick ? "
The Vulture said with much disgust,
"Their answers make me sick."
THE VULTURE AND THE HUSBANDMAN. 319
" Now, Undergraduates," he cried,
" Our fun is nearly done ;
Will anybody else come up ? "
But answer came there none ;
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd ploughed them every one !
A. C. HILTON.
320 IN CAP AND GOWN.
THINGS NOT GENERALLY KNOWN.
THAT Trinity men are meek and humble, that Jesus men
are gentle and undemonstrative, that Sidney is the place for
high culture and refinement, that Corpus is an intellectual
College, that Emmanuel is in the vanguard of progress, and
where deceased Proctors go to.
Useful Definitions.
Don. " An abridgment of all that's unpleasant in man."
Dean. Another way of spelling Don and a much cusseder
one.
Bedmaker. A necessary evil.
Gyp. More evil and less necessary.
Tubbing Freshmen. A 'Varsity Oar's dream of bliss.
A. C. HILTON.
( 321 )
EPISODE
IN THE UNIVERSITY CAREER OF OUR OLD FRIENDS BROWN, JONES,
AND ROBINSON.
This "Episode" is reprinted from " The Cantab" a periodical which
appeared in Cambridge in 1873.
THREE students sat writing with lips compressed,
In a well-known house with their heads bent down •
Each thought of the " tip " that might serve him best,
And the Proctor came rustling up, all hood and gown.
For men must work, and little they'll sleep,
If Dons be cruel and papers be deep,
And the Church and Bar be waiting.
Three Dons sat sipping at something hot
By a flickering lamp when the sun went down ;
They looked at each blunder, and crib phrase, and "shot,"
And they marked down a D with a sigh and a frown.
For men must work — but little you'll sleep,
If a man with a cornet should under you keep,
And the Church and Bar be waiting.
Three travellers puffed out a fragrant cloud,
One Saturday morn, when the men went down ;
322 IN CAP AND GOWN.
Though they travelled first class, you could see they were
ploughed,
And oh ! they were Robinson, Jones, and Brown !
For men won't work, and little they'll sleep,
If the wine be good and tobacco be cheap,
Though the Church and Bar be waiting.
( 323 )
IN ME MORI AM.
ROBERTI BENDALL, TONSORUM ULTIMI.
/;/ olden times the college barber was an important personage in
Cambridge. Mr. J. W. Clark, in his chapters on Cambridge published
in the "Portfolio" says, "In the old statutes of Trinity the barber was
in the foundation, like the cook. Most colleges had a barber's shop. At
King's, each fellow paid for his own shaving, but that of the provost was
defrayed by the college." In the last century the barber powdered the
fellows' wigs every day before hall. As to the practice which prevailed
about the year 1800, the following extract from Pry 'me 's "Recollections"
will give some idea : " 7 here were two or three undergraduates who wore
powder. . . . The rest of us wore our hair curled. . . . Wigs were still
worn by the Dons and Heads with few exceptions. Cory, the Master of
Emmanuel, was, I believe, the first to leave his off, complaining of head-
ache. Dr. Barnes of Peterhouse (died 1838) preserved his to the last..
In Mr. Daniel Sykes's time, which was twenty years before mine, the
Senior Fellows of Trinity wore wigs, and he was, as he told me long after-
wards, concerned in a practical joke respecting them. There was a
barber's shop just within the gate of Trinity, near Bishops Hostel, where
the Fellows were powdered and the wigs dressed. It existed even in my
time. Sykes and some others bribed the barber one Saturday night, w/ten
he had the Sunday wigs to dress, to give them up ; and getting out on the
Library parapet, placed them on the heads of the four statues which face
the hall. The next day the Seniors, missing their best wigs, were in a
state of great excitement, and obliged to go to dinner in their old ones.
Coming out of hall into Neville's Court, and looking up, they s,aw them
on the statues. The perpetrators were never found out. "
A very celebrated barber in the last century was Bob Foster, the flying
barber of Clare. He used to shave Dr. Farmer, tfa Master of Emmanuel,
to whom he was also privileged to retail news. " One morning," says
Gunning, ' ' when the barber was performing his accustomed office, he
324 IN CAP AND GOWN.
said in reply to Farmer's remark — * Well! what news?' '/ saw Tom
yesterday ', and he made such a bad remark about you!'' ' What
was it ? ' asked the doctor. ' Indeed, sir, I could not tell you, for it was
too bad to repeat ! ' Farmer still urged the point, when the barber (having
first obtained a promise that his master would not be angry] replied with
much apparent reluctance — ' Why^ sir, he said you wasrft fit to carry
guts to a bear / ' ' And what did you say ? ' asked Farmer. The barber
replied with much energy and seeming satisfaction — ' / said, sir, that
you was.' " The race of college barbers has only become extinct during the
last fifteen years. Bendall of Peterhouse, the last of his class, died in
1875, and *t was in memory of him that Shilleto wrote the following
epitaphs.
'* Tumulo Licinus jacet.'
TIME, whose sure scythe brings to an end all,
Mows down our last of barbers Bendall,
Whose hand and foot like lightning sped,
As wig he trimmed and chin and head —
Who waked us — on occasion bled —
And shaved our lazy ones in bed.1
The sole surviving college barber
We, Peterhouse, no longer harbour ;
For he, who others shaved without
A scar, himself is clean shaved out
Clotho has spun his thread of years,
And Lachesis not interferes,
So Atropus has ta'en his shears,
Shears, sharper than her own, and shorn
The feeble yarn, at length outworn.
Greet, chafer, bason, powder, pole,
Comb, napkin, soap, the good old soul —
Greet him all Barbers' solemnly
Incorporated Company,
Before whom ye have reached the goal.
1 See Wordsworth's " Social Life at English Universities," pp. 130-138.
IN MEMORIAM. 325
Ye shades of Barnes and Smyth of old
Whom oft he powdered, oft he polled,
Vouchsafe to him your welcome best
Within the islands of the blest —
We bid his gentle spirit rest.
IN Peterhouse not fruitlessly
At students' doors did Bendall knock.
Not trulier told the hour than he
The chapel bell — the chapel clock.
Now at St. Peter's gate he stands,
His task here done, his wages ta'en.
He knocks, and with uplifted hands
Asks entrance — nor asks he in vain.
R. SHILLETO.
326 IN CAP AND GOWN.
THE BATTLE OF THE PONS TRIUM
TROJANORUM.
A LAY SUNG IN THE TEMPLE OF MINERVA GIRTONENSIS.
This parody of Macaulayfs "Lay" was written by the Rev, E. W.
Bowling, of St. John's College (B.A. 1860), when, in February, 1881,
three " Graces" were passed admitting ladies of Newnham and Girton
to be examined and classed in the Tripos Examinations. " Parvus
Mariensis " (stanza 9) is the Rev. W. H. Guillemard, Vicar of Little
St. Mary's; " Pottius" is Dr. Potts, of Euclid fame ; " Generalis
Post-Magister" is Henry Fawcett, at that time Postmaster- General ;
" Dilkius Radicalis^ is Sir Charles Dilke ; " Grants Professor/us,
beloved of fair Sabrine," is the late Dr. B. H. Kennedy, who was for
so many years Head Master of Shrewsbury School ; " Fabrorunt
Maximus " is Mr. Hamblin Smith ; and Peronatus is Dr. Perowne.
I.
^EMILIA Girtonensis
By the Nine Muses swore
That the great house of Girton
Should suffer wrong no more.
By the Muses Nine she swore it,
And named a voting day,
And bade her learned ladies write,
And summon to the impending fight
Their masters grave and gay.
ii.
East and West and South and North
The learned ladies wrote,
£ATTLE OF THE PONS TRIUM TROJANORUM. 327
And Town and Gown and Country
Have read the martial note.
Shame on the Cambridge Senator
Who dares to lag behind,
When female voices call him
To improve the female mind
HI.
But by the yellow Camus
Was tumult and affright :
Straightway to Pater Varius
The Trojans take their flight —
" O Varius, Father Varius,
To whom Trojans pray,
The ladies are upon us !
We look to thee this day ! "
IV.
There be thirty chosen Fellows,
The wisest of the land,
Who hard by Pater Varius
To bar all progress stand :
Evening and morn the Thirty
On the Three Graces sit,
Traced from the left by fingers deft
In the great Press of Pitt.
v.
And with one voice the Thirty
Have uttered their decree —
" Go forth, go forth, great Varius,
Oppose the Graces Three !
328 IN CAP AND GOWN.
The enemy already
Are quartered in the town,
And if they once the Tripos gain,
What hope to save the gown ?
VI.
" To Hiz, the town of Offa,
Their classes first they led,
Then onward to Girtonia
And Nunamantium sped :
And now a mighty army
Of young and beardless girls
Beneath our very citadel
A banner proud unfurls."
VII.
Then out spake Father Varius,
No craven heart was his :
" To Pollmen and to Wranglers
Death comes but once, I wis.
And how can man live better,
Or die with more renown
Than fighting against Progress
For the rights of cap and gown ?
VIII.
" I, with two more to help me,
Will face yon Graces Three ;
Will guard the Holy Tripod,
And the M.A. Degree.
We know that by obstruction
Three may a thousand foil.
Now who will stand on either hand
To guard our Trojan soil ? "
BATTLE OF THE PONS TRIUM TROJANORUM. 329
IX.
Then Parvus Mariensis,
Of Bearded Jove the Priest,
Spake out, " Of Trojan warriors
I am, perhaps, the least,
Yet will I stand at thy right hand."
Cried Pottius, " I likewise
At thy left side will stem the tide
Of myriad flashing eyes."
Meanwhile the ladies' Army,
i Right glorious to behold,
Came clad in silks and satins bright,
With, seal-skins and with furs bedight,
And gems and rings of gold ;
Four hundred warriors shouted
" Placet " with fiendish glee,
As that fair host with fairy feet,
And smiles unutterably sweet,
Came tripping each towards her seat,
Where stood the dauntless Three.
XI.
The Three stood calm and silent,
And frowned upon their foes,
As a great shout of laughter
From the four hundred rose.
And forth three chiefs came spurring
Before their ladies gay ;
They faced the Three, they scowled and scoffed,
Their gowns they donned, their caps they doffed,
Then sped them to the fray.
330 IN CAP AND GOWN.
XII.
Generalis Post-Magister,
Lord of the Letter-bags ;
And Dilkius Radicalis,
Who ne'er in combat lags ;
And Graecus Professorius,
Beloved of fair Sabrine,
From the grey Elms — beneath whose shade
A hospitable banquet laid,
Had heroes e'en of cowards made —
Brought " placets " thirty-nine.
XIII.
Stout Varius hurled " non placet "
At Post-Magister's head :
At the mere glance of Pottius
Fierce Radicalis fled :
And Parvus Mariensis —
So they who heard him tell—
Uttered but one false quantity,
And Professorius fell !
xiv.
But fiercer still and fiercer
Fresh foeman sought the fray,
And fainter still and fainter
Stout Varius stood at bay.
" Oh that this too, too solid
Flesh would dissolve ! " he sighed ;
Yet still he stood undaunted,
And still the foe defied.
BATTLE OF THE PONS TRIUM TROJANORUM. 331
XV.
• Then Pollia Nunamensis,
A student sweetly fair,
Famed for her smiles and dimples,
Blue eyes and golden hair,
Of Cupid's arrows seized a pair,
One in each eye she took :
Cupid's best bow with all her might
She pulled — each arrow winged its flight,
And straightway reason, sense, and sight
Stout Varius forsook.
i XVI.
" He falls ! " the Placets thundered,
And filled the yawning gap ;
In vain his trusty comrades
Avenge their chief's mishap —
His last great fight is done.
They charge ! Brave Pottius prostrate lies,
No Rider helps him to arise ;
They charge ! Fierce Mariensis dies.
The Bridge, the Bridge is won !
XVII.
In vain did Bencornutus
Flash lightnings from his beard ;
In vain Fabrorum Maximus
His massive form upreared ;
And Lumbius Revisorius —
Diviner potent he ! —
And Peronatus robed in state,
And fine old Fossilis sedate,
332 /AT CAP AND GOWN.
All vainly stemmed the tide of fate —
Triumphed the Graces Three !
XVIII.
But when in future ages
Women have won their rights,
And sweet girl-undergraduates
Read through the lamp-lit nights ;
When some, now unborn, Pollia
Her head with science crams ;
When the girls make Greek Iambics,
And the boys black-currant jams ;
XIX.
When the good man's shuttle merrily
Goes flashing through the loom,
And the good wife reads her Plato
In her own sequestered room ;
With weeping and with laughter
Still shall the tale be told,
How pretty Pollia won the Bridge
In the brave days of old.
L. W. BOWLING.
( 333 )
A BALLAD OF BOTHERS.
" A Ballad of Bothers," as -well as the " Ten Triolets," was printed in
the " Cambridge Meteor" which appeared diiring the "May Week" in
1882. The " May Week" in this year fell for the first time in June.
FROM country, from coast, and from city,
From nowhere and goodness knows where,
The visitors come without pity,
There is not a corner to spare ;
And students with work to prepare
Must charter a captive balloon
And study aloft in the air,
For the May Week has fallen in June.
The grinding of feet that are gritty
So ceaseless on landing and stair ;
The notes of some drawing-room ditty
Disturb the recluse in his lair,
And cause him to clutch at his hair
As he toils in the hot afternoon,
But nobody hears if he swear,
For the May Week has fallen in June.
Then the damsels, supposing it's pretty
Their art-curtain patterns to wear,
And the youths who conceive they are witty
Come round to be stared at, and stare,
334 IN CAP AND GOWN.
And amateur buglers that blare,
And singers that howl to the moon,
Are more than the system can bear ;
For the May Week has fallen in June.
ENVOI.
Friend, do not be caught in the snare,
And strive not to sing or to spoon ;
Your tripos is all your affair,
For the May Week has fallen in June.
A. R. ROPES.
( 335 )
TEN TRIOLETS.
I.
WHAT a slave one is made
To another man's sisters !
They must be obeyed.
What a slave one is made !
One's bills are unpaid,
And one's hands are all blisters.
What a slave one is made
To another man's sisters 1
n.
We are packed in a boat
To row to the races,
Parasol, hat and coat,
We are packed in a boat,
Like Tritons afloat
With a cargo of Graces
We are packed in a boat
To row to the races.
in.
Time, bow, do you hear ?
Don't stare at the ladies,
How are we to steer ?
Time, bow, do you hear ?
IN CAP AND GOWN.
One never feels clear
As to where your oar's blade is :
Time, bow, do you hear ?
Don't stare at the ladies.
IV.
Mind your oar. Easy all ;
We will get out at Ditton.
Take care you don't fall,
Mind your oar ! Easy all.
Just hand out a shawl
For the ladies to sit on.
Mind your oar — easy all ;
We will get out at Ditton.
v.
Was that the first gun,
Or was it the second ?
I have only heard one,
Was that the first gun ?
We shall soon see them run,
If it is as you reckoned ;
Was that the first gun,
Or was it the second ?
VI.
Well rowed — put it on —
Pick it up now — you're gaming !
There's half a length gone ;
Well rowed ! put it on !
Just see that fat don
Who is puffing and straining ;
Well rowed ! put it on !
Pick it up now — you're gaining.
TEN TRIOLETS. 337
VII.
Push off now, be quick ;
Get ahead of the hustle :
The boats crowd so thick —
Push off now, be quick —
If we stop we shall stick
Till the end of the tussle.
Push off now, be quick;
Get ahead of the hustle.
VIII.
Are we over ? not quite,
It is only our rudder.
There is no cause for fright ;
Are we over ? not quite.
I will keep you all right,
My dear — so don't shudder ;
Are we over ? not quite,
It is only our rudder.
IX.
There's a concert at King's
To follow the rowing ;
You must see some more things,
There's a concert at King's :
All angels have wings,
Yet must you be going ?
There's a concert at King's
To follow the rowing.
x.
I am left all alone
With a rose that is faded ;
33g IN CAP AND GOWN.
My charmer has flown.
I am left all alone,
And I cannot but groan
When I think what my " May " did ;
I am left all alone
With a rose that is faded.
A. R. ROPES.
( 339 )
A VERY DOLOROUS BALLADE OF
, CAMBRIDGE.
(SEE 4 AND 7, KING'S PARADE, ETC.)
This "dolorous ballade" appeared in the " Cambridge Review" for
February 18, 1885. Greef t Sadd, Dtath, Carver, and Pain, we know,
but who is Wrencher?
FROM bud of youth to age's haulm,
Down Cambridge streets flow small and great ;
Here pass men seeking labour's balm
In Fenner's, football field, or eight ;
Here flies the undergraduate
While Proctors toil behind in vain,
Whom watch from dawn till even late
Greef, Sadd, Death, Carver, Wrencher, Pain.
Here oft on summer evening calm,
Or when the north howls desolate,
Float fragments of the chanted psalm,
Fly cries of choirs reiterate ;
The chapel door pours forth its freight
Of folk to daily life again,
Where grimly ambusht for them wait
Greef, Sadd, Death, Carver, Wrencher, Pain.
340 IN CAP AND GOWN.
So Dante saw (with scarce a qualm)
Above Hell's portal desperate
The obverse of Paradise's palm
Engraved for Satan's front-door plate ;
Nay, even that dread scroll of fate
Ran with less grim foretaste of bane
Than this malignant rune irate,
Greef, Sadd,. Death, Carver, Wrencher, Pain.
ENVOY.
Prince, in the midst of college state,
For all thy robes of Tyrian grain,
Forget not these outside thy gate,
Greef, Sadd, Death, Carver, Wrencher, Pain.
ARTHUR PLATT.
A GIRTONIAN FUNERAL.
" A Girtonian Funeral" appeared in the "Journal of Education" for
May i, 1886.
The Academy reports that the students of Girton College have
dissolved their " Browning Society," and expended its remaining funds,
two shillings and twopence, upon chocolate-creams.
LET us begin and portion out these sweets,
Sitting together.
Leave we our deep debates, our sage conceits, —
Wherefore ? and whether ? •
Thus with a fine that fits the work begun,
Our labours crowning,
For we, in sooth, our duty well have done
By Robert Browning.
Have we not wrought at essay and critique,
Scorning supine ease?
Wrestled with clauses crabbed as Bito's Greek,
Baffling as Chinese ?
Out the Fun Album's mystic heart we took,
Lucid of soul, and
Threaded the mazes of the Ring and Book ;
Cleared up Childe Roland.
We settled Fifine's business — let her be —
(Strangest of lasses ;)
Watched by the hour some thick-veiled truth to see
Where Pippa passes.
342 IN CAP AND GOWN.
(Though, dare we own, secure in victors' gains,
Ample to shield us ?
Red Cotton Night-cap Country for our pains
Little would yield us.)
What then to do ? Our culture-feast drag out
E'en to satiety ?
Oft such the fate that findeth, nothing doubt,
Such a Society.
Oh, the dull meetings ! Some one yawns an ayey
One gapes again a. yea.
We girls determined not to yawn, but buy
Chocolate Menier.
Fry's creams are cheap, but Cadbury's excel,
(Quick, Maud, for none wait)
Nay, now, 'tis Menier bears away the bell,
Sold by the ton-weight.
So, with unburdened brains and spirits light,
Blithe did we troop hence,
All our funds voted for this closing rite, —
Just two-and-two-pence.
Do — make in scorn, old Croesus, proud and glum,
Peaked eyebrow lift eye ;
Put case one stick's a halfpenny ; work the sum ;
Full two and fifty.
Off with the twine ! who scans each smooth brown slab
Yet not supposeth
What soft, sweet, cold, pure whiteness, bound in drab,
Tooth's bite discloseth ?
Are they not grand ? Why (you may think it odd)
Some power alchemic
Turns, as we munch, to Zeus assenting nod
Sneers Academic.
Till, when one cries, " 'Ware hours that fleet like clouds,
Time, deft escaper ! "
A GIRTON1AN FUNERAL. 343
We answer bold : " Leave Time to Dons and Dowds ;
(Grace, pass the paper)
Say, boots it aught to evermore affect
Raptures high-flying ?
Though we choose chocolate, will the world suspect
Genius undying ? "
344
IN CAP AND GOWN.
THE POETS AT TEA.
Mr. Pain's excellent parodies were printed in " The Cambridge Fort-
nightly" one of the most recent of the University periodicals, three
numbers of which appeared during the Lent Term of 1888.
Macaulay,
who made it.
I.
POUR, varlet, pour the water,
The water steaming hot !
A spoonful for each man of us,
Another for the pot !
We shall not drink from amber,
No Capuan slave shall mix
For us the snows of Athos
With port at thirty-six ;
Whiter than snow the crystals
Grown sweet 'neath tropic fires,
More rich the herb of China's field,
The pasture-lands more fragrance yield ;
For ever let Britannia wield
The teapot of her sires !
Tennyson,
who took it
hot.
II.
I think that I am drawing to an end :
For on a sudden came a gasp for breath,
And stretching of the hands, and blinded eyes,
And a great darkness falling on my soul.
O Hallelujah ! . . . Kindly pass the milk.
THE POETS AT TEA.
III.
As the sin that was sweet in the sinning
Is foul in the ending thereof,
As the heat of the summer's beginning
Is past in the winter of love :
O purity, painful and pleading !
O coldness, ineffably gray !
O hear us, our handmaid unheeding,
And take it away !
345
Swinburne,
who let it get
cold.
IV.
The cosy fire is bright and gay,
The merry kettle boils away
And hums a cheerful song.
I sing the saucer and the cup;
Pray, Mary, fill the teapot up,
And do not make it strong.
Cowper, who
thoroughly
enjoyed it.
v. .
Tut ! Bah ! We take as another case —
Pass the bills on the pills on the window-sill ;
notice the capsule
(A sick man's fancy, no doubt, but I place
Reliance on trade-marks, Sir) — so perhaps
you'll
Excuse the digression — this cup which I hold
Light-poised — Bah, it's spilt in the bed ! —
well, let's on go —
Hold Bohea and sugar, Sir ; if you were told
The sugar was salt, would the Bohea be
Congo ?
Browning,
who treated
it allegori-
cally.
346
Words-
worth, who
gave it
away.
IN CAP AND GOWN.
VI.
" Come, little cottage girl, you seem
To want my cup of tea ;
And will you take a little cream ?
Now tell the truth to me."
She had a rustic, woodland grin,.
Her cheek was soft as silk,
And she replied, " Sir, please put in
A little drop of milk."
"Why, what put milk into your head?
'Tis cream my cows supply ; "
And five times to the child I said^
"Why, pig-head, tell me, why?"
" You call me pig-head," she replied ;
" My proper name is Ruth.
I called that milk " — she blushed with prid<
" You bade me speak the truth,"
Poe, who
got excited
over it.
VIJ.
Here's a mellow cup of tea — golden tea r
What a world of rapturous thought its fragrance
brings to me !
Oh, from out the silver cells
How it wells !
How it smells !
Keeping tune, tune, tune, tune
To the tintinnabulation of the spoon.
And the kettle on the fire
Boils its spout off with desire,
With a desperate desire
THE POETS AT TEA.
And a crystalline endeavour
Now, now to sit, or never,
On the top of the pale-faced moon,
But he always came home to tea, tea, tea, tea, tea,
Tea to the n — ith.
347
VIII.
The lilies lie in my lady's bower
(O weary mother, drive the cows to roost),
They faintly droop for a little hour ;
My lady's head droops like a flower.
She took the porcelain in her hand
(O weary mother, drive the cows to roost) •
She poured ; I drank at her command ;
Drank deep, and now — you understand !
(O weary mother, drive the cows to roost) »
Rossetti,
who took
six cups of it
IX.
Weel, gin ye speir, I'm no inclined,.
Whusky or tay — to state my mind
Fore ane or ither ;
For, gin I tak the first, I'm fou,
And gin the next, I'm dull as you,
Mix a' thegither.
Burns, who
liked it
adulterated.
One cup for my self-hood. Walt wwt-
3 man, who
Many for you. Aliens, camerodos. we wilt didn't stay
more than a
drink together minute.
O hand-in-hand ! That tea-spoon, please, when
you've done with it.
34^ IN CAP AND GOWN.
What butter-colour'd hair you've got I don't want to be
personal.
All right, then, you needn't. You're a stale-cadaver.
Eighteen-pence if the bottles are returned.
Aliens, from all bat-eyed formules.
B. E. O. PAIN.
INDEX.
"Academic Glory," statue of, 25
Albert, Prince. See Prince Consort
Allott, Rev. R., 80
Anatomy schools attacked by the
townsmen, 199
"Anti-Junius" and the Times, 221
Arden, R. Pepper, 45
B
Banks, W. J., 118, 120
Baratta, 25
Barber, The, 49, 323
Barker, E. H., of Thetford, xv. ;
his " Anecdotes " referred to,
84.
Barnes, Dr. F., Master of Peter-
house, 323
Bartlow Hills, barrows opened on,
149
Battle of Peas Hill, The, 200
Bear, The, xiv., 257
Bede, Cuthbert, 253
Bendall, Robert, the last of the
barbers, 323
Bene't College, 76
Bentley, Richard, 16 ; verses upon,
18; 25
Bentley 's Miscellany, 195
Beverley, R. M., 134
Blayds, C. S. See Calverley
Ely the, Dr., 12
Bourne, Vincent, 20
Bowling, Rev. E. W., 326
Brame, James, of St. John's College,
189
Brimley, G., xiv., 169
Brookfield, W. H., 124
Browne, Sir Thomas, 15
Bull-dogs, The Trinity, xxvi.
Burne-Jones, E., xiv.
Burrell, Mr., 25
Byron, Lord, at Cambridge, 105
Caius College, the place of good
eating, xxv.
Caius Gown, The, 139
Call, W. M. W., xiv., 169
Calverley, Charles Stuart, 291
Cambridge Dionysia, The, 257
Cambridge Fortnightly, The, 344
Cambridge Meteor, The, 333
Cambridge Review, The, 339
Cambridge, The Tatler in, xiv.
Cambridge University Magazine,
The, xiv., 169
Campbell and Garnett, Messrs.,
" Life of J. Clerk Maxwell," 242
350
INDEX.
Cantab, The, 321
Caput, The death of, 249
Cardinal's Cap, The, 5
Cayley, C. B., of Trinity College,
189
Cayley, G. J., editor of the Realm,
251
Celibate Question, The, 253
Ceres, statue of, 94, 98
"Cergiel." See Le Grice
Chancellorship of the University,
election for, 207-227
Chapman, Dr. Benedict, Master of
Caius College, 239
Clare, Greyhounds of, xxvi.
Clark, Dr. W., Professor of
Anatomy, 199
Clark, Mr. J. W., 80, 94, 242, 323
Clarke, E. D., 94, 98
"Club Law" performed in Clare
Hall, 199
"Codex Bezae," Dr. Kipling's
edition of, 57
Coleridge, S. T., 205
Colleges, characteristics of, xxii.
Collins, Mortimer, 251
Commencement, The Public, 84
Cooper, Mr., attorney, 241
Copley, Sir J. Singleton, 118
Cory, Dr. R. T., Master of Em-
manuel College, 323
Covvper, W.j translation from
Bourne by, 20
" Crackling," xxiii.
Crew of Kind London Gossips, A,
4,7
Crick, Thomas, public orator, 225
D
Death, John, livery-stable keeper,
241
"Death Riot," 200
Dilke, Sir Charles, 326
Dons, recurrence of stories against,
xx. ; the enemies of undergradu-
ates, xxii.
Douglas, Dr. Philip, 76
Doves of St. Catharine's, The, xxvi.
Doyle, Sir Francis, 198
Eagle, The, record of expenses for,
34
Election for the Chancellorship,
207-227
Elections, Parliamentary, at Cam-
bridge, 1 1 8, 1 20, 237
Emmanuel College, Jubilee at, 82
Erskine, The Hon. Thomas, 49
*' Facetiae Cantabrigienses," xii.,
H3. IH
Farmer, Richard, Master of Em-
manuel, 82, 87, 323
Fawcett, Henry, Professor, 326
Fawkes, Fr., 108
Feast-day, A College, 89
"Fierce Freestone," 199
Foster, Bob, the flying barber of
Clare, 323
French, Dr., Master of Jesus
College, 218
Frere, Rev. J. A., 242
Frere, Temple, 154
Frere, William, Master of Down-
ing, xviiu
Gage, John, 153
Galvanist, The, xv., 99
INDEX.
351
Garnett, Professor. See Campbell
and Garnett
Gentleman's Magazine quoted, xxii.,
xxiv.
Girton (see Newnham), Browning
Society at, 341
Gloucester, Duke of, Beverley's
letter to, 134
Glynn, Dr., Eccentricity of, xix.
Gooch, Sir Thomas, 24
Gordon, Henry, 80
Gosse, Mr. Edmund, on Christopher
Smart, 31 ; his edition of Gray,
46
Goulburn, H., 118
Gownsman, The, xiii., 127
" Gradus ad Cantabrigiam," xxi.,
39
Gray, Thomas, parodies of, xv.
Gray, Thomas, at Cambridge, 46
Gregory, D. F., 161
"Grex Porcorum," xxiii.
Greyhounds of Clare, The, xxvi.
Guest, Dr. Edwin, Master of Caius
College, 239
Guillemard, Rev. W. H., 326
" Gulfed " explained, 169
Gunning, Henry, "Reminiscences"
quoted, xviii., xix., xx., 44, 199,
323
"Gyp" explained, 89
II
Hardinge, Nicholas, 25
Hartshorne, ' ' Book Rarities of the
University of Cambridge," 48
Haweis, H. R., xiv., 257, 267
Hilton, A. C., of St. John's College,
310
Hinchcliffe, John, Master of
Trinity, 79
Hobson. Thomas, the University
carrier, I
Hogs, The Johnian, xxiii.; origin
of, xxiv., 88
Hopkins, William, mathematical
coach, 161
Hooper, Dr., declamation prizes
left by, 105, 205
Isthmus of Sues, xxiv.
Jenkins, Dr., Master of Balliol
College, 291
Johnian, Praed's reference to the,
xxiii.
Johnian melodies, 104
Journal of Education, The, 341
Journalism at Cambridge, xii.
Jowett, Joseph, Tutor of Trinity
Hall, 54
K
Kays, Culinary, xxv.
Kennedy, Dr. B. H., 326
Kipling, Dr. Thomas, of St. John's
College, 57, 78
Kotzebue, "die Spanien in Peru,"
74
Lamb, Charles, translation from
Bourne by, 23
Lambert, James, 98
Le Grice, Charles, 205
Lewis, J. D., of Trinity College,
230
352
INDEX.
Light Blue, The, 289
Light Green, The, xiv. , 310
Lion, The, xiv., 257, 267
Locker, Arthur, 251
Long, Andrew, Fellow of KirgY
232, 241
Lord, H. W.,246
Lounger, The, xx., 42
M
Macaulay, Lord, 120, 264
Macmillan's Magazine, 285
Magdalene, Simeonites at, xxvi.
Mansel, William Lort, xvi., 76,
105 ; verses by, 76-85"
Maps, 87
Mathematical books, translation of,
into English, 161
Maxwell, J. Clerk, professor of ex-
perimental physics, 242, 245
Middleton, Conyers, 25
Midwife, The, 31
Milton, John, epitaphs on Hobson
by, 2, 3
Mitre Tavern, The, 4, 36, 42
" Moderator" explained, 31
Monmouth, Duke of, his picture
burnt, 12
Moore, Dr., Bishop of Ely, 15
Moral Science Tripos, introduction
of, 228
Morris, William, xiv.
Morritt, R., 99
Moustaches prohibited at Trinity
College, 246
N
Natural Science Tripos, introduc-
tion of, 228
Newbery, John, 31
Newcastle, Duke of, Chancellor of
the University, 39
Newnham and Girton ladies .ad-
mitted to Tripos examinations,
326
Newton, Isaac, referred to, 17, 23
Non-Regent House, The, 249
Northumberland, Duke of, death
of, 207
O'Brien, Stafford, 210
Ogden, Dr. Samuel, 44
Okes, Dr. Richard, Provost of
King's, 232, 241
"Orders and Regulations," 39
Owls of Sidney, The, xxvi.
Oxford and Cambridge Magazine,
The, xiv.
Pain, B. E. O., 344
Palmerston, Viscount, 118
Parr, Dr. Samuel, 55
Payne, John, Portrait of Hobson
by, I
" Pendennis " quoted, xiii.
Pennington, Sir Isaac, 104
" Pensioner " explained, 84
Perowne, Dr. E. H., 326
Perry, Dr. C., Bishop of Melbourne,
I65
"Pi-man," The, xxi.
Planche, J. R., 114
Platt, Arthur, 339
Person, Richard, xv., 56 ; verses by,
56-75, 92
Powis, Lord, a candidate for the
Chancellorship, 207
Potts, Dr. Robert, 142, 253, 326
INDEX.
353
Praed, W. M., quoted, xxiii.,.xxv.
Prince Consort, H.R.H. the, elected
Chancellor, 207 j hat invented by,
209
Pry me, Professor George, " Re-
collections," xix., 54, 78, 98,
323
Punch referred to, xii. ; Cambridge
men connected with, xvii.
Ramsden, R., 78
Randall, Dr., Professor of Music,
84
Randolph, Thomas, referred to,
xxii. ; poems by, 4-11
Realm, The, 251
Reformer, The, xv.
Regent House, The, 249
Ropes, A. R., 333-338
Rose Crescent, fights in, 199
Rossetti, D. G., xiv.
" Rowing " man, The, xx.
" Run," The, xx.
St. Catharine's, doves of, xxvi.
St. John's College, -unpopularity
of, xxiii.
Savile, The Hon. and Rev. P. Y.,
142
Sedgwick, Professor Adam, " Four
Letters," 134 ; 149 ; on the elec-
tion of the Chancellor, 207
Selden, John, referred to, 17
" Sexagenarian," The, referred to,
xv.
" Shakespeare gang," The, 82
Shilleto, Richard, xvi., 237; pieces
by, 237, 238, 239, 240, 249, 324
Shuckburgh, E. S., 304
Sidney, owls of, xxvi.
Simeon, Rev. Charles, 108
Simeonites, xxi. ; at Magdalene,
xxvi., 1 08
' 'Sizar "explained, toS
" Sketches of Cantabs," 230
Slang at Cambridge, xxi.
Smart, Christopher, xxi., xxv. ;
poems by, 31-38 ; his condemna-
tion of his University, 34 j " Yawn-
ing," 108
Smedley, Edward, "A Few Verses,"
102
Smith, Mr, Hamblin, 326
Smyth, Professor William, 94
Snob, The, xii., 124
Snout, the Johnian's, 36
Society for the Prevention of Cruelty
to Undergraduates, 165
Soone, William, 199
Soph, 1 8
Square Cap, The, 48
Stanton, Rev. V. H., 295
Stepney, George, Verses by, 12
Stokes, C. S., 154
Student, The, xv., xx., 31
Suppression of Monasteries, De-
bate on, at the Union, 189
Swine. See Hogs
Sykes, Daniel, 323
"TandB,"xxi.
Tart, The Cambridge, xii.
Tatham, Rev. R., 104, 207
Toiler in Cambridge, The, 295
Taverns at Cambridge, 4
Taylor, C. J., Fellow of Clare Hall,
Taylor, Tom, xv., xvii. j verses by,
195, 200, 282
2 A
354
INDEX.
Taylor, "Turk," a drayman killed
by, 199
Tennyson, Alfred, parodies of,
xv. ; bust of, in Trinity Library,
282
Thackeray, W. M., his connection
with the Snob, xiii., 124 ; his con-
nection with the Gownsman, 127;
pieces by, 124, 132, 221, 225
Thornton, Bonnel, 31
Tillet, Titus, 12
Tindal, Sir Nicholas, 120
Todd, W. W., 108
"Tom Thumb Riot," 199
Totemism at Cambridge, xxvi.
Town and gown rows, xix., 7, 142,
199
Trapp, Dr. Joseph, 15
Trevelyan, Sir G. O., xiv., 257-281,
285
Trinity College, dignity of, xxii. ;
sparrows in, 21; Bursar's accounts
at, 34 ; first stone of new build-
ings laid, no; new regulations
relating to attendance at chapel,
165; the judge's carriage at, 195;
commemoration at, 205
Tufts of Trinity, The, xxiii.
Tuns Tavern, The, 39, 42
U
Union, debate at, on suppression
of monasteries, 189
University Library, gift of books to,
IS
University society, exclusiveness of,
xviii.
Vansittart, A. A., of Trinity College,
233
Verrall, A. W., 295
Vice-Chancellor, right of,,to license
public-houses, 147
W
Watson, Richard, Bishop of Llan-
daff, 57, 78
Webb, Dr. William, Master of Clare
Hall, papers bequeathed by, 86 ;
207
Wharton, Tom, 15, 31
Whewell, Dr. W., 149 ; his dispute
with the judge, 195; "Plurality
of Worlds," 198 ; part taken by
in Prince Consort's election, 207
Whiston, William, 16
Whittington, W. D., 99
Wigram, W. K., of Trinity College,
193
Wilcox, C. B., xiv., 169
Wilcox, John, Master of Clare, 24
Wish, landlord of the Tuns, 39
Wood, Rev. James, 104
"Wooden Spoon" explained, 169
Woodward, Dr. I., 16
Wordsworth, Christopher, 295
Wrangham, Francis, of Trinity
Hall, 54, 86
Wray, Daniel, 26
PRINTED BY WILLIAM CLOWES AND SONS, LIMITED, LONDON AND BECCLKS.
LF Whibley, Charles
129 In cap and gown ^d ed.
1898
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